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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried sick and annoyed with ExH

76 replies

Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:12

Have a DD of 4 with ExH. He usually pays 15% of his net income in maintenance plus half of her nursery / school fees. I also work nearly full time.

He was made redundant 2 months ago. He used some of his redundancy pay to pay the maintenance for the 3 months, so next payment is due at end of June.

He lives 200 miles away and does not therefore help out at all with school holiday care / after school etc.

I spoke to him last night and he has not yet found another job. AIBU to be annoyed that hes only looking for jobs over a certain £ and in his chosen career? He's a solicitor, but should he not be looking for any work that puts money in the bank rather than holding out for the ideal job?

I'm scared to death that without the maintenance there is no way our DD can stay in the school she's currently in (and has been in since she was 6 months old). Also I would find bills / food etc very difficult to pay for without the maintenance.

I've asked him if his father could contribute at all (I know its not his responsibility) but my ExH has saidd he has no money.

I'm really angry because if I lost my job and then didnt take anything, but held out for a 'good job' then surely our DD would starve?

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 27/05/2009 13:43

I think YABU and I am in a very similar sitation.
EX has been out of work since chrsitmas he has been looking for jobs in a set line of work that is very well paid.
Yes my ex could take a lesser paid lesser skilled job but for one he could end up stuck in that for god knows how long and I am no maths expert but I know that 15% of minimum wage is way less than 15% of what he was earning before so really how are you (or I) going to be as well off and able to pay all those bills as we were before???

My ex is trained and spent years training to do the job he wants so why on earth would I ask him to find something elses. Also in this current climate it is hard for anyone to get a job and I doubt very much a skilled solictot is going to get a lesser paid job because an employer is going to know for sure that as soon as a more suitable oppertunity comes up he will be off like a shot which means the employer has to re-employ at a cost to themselves.

I have never been 100% reliant on my maintenance yes it was hard when it stopped coming but I was also placed well to manage without it, yes a lot of luxuries have gone for now but I always made sure I was in a position to cope by myself should I ever end up in this situaiton...and I did.

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:46

Im sure they're not all horrendous. The one that we're in the catchment area for is.

Maintenance is there to pay for the child's food, school uniform, light, heat, roof over head, travel etc etc. Funnily enough the roughly £500 a month he pays is half of what that costs a month.

IloveTiffany, there's nothing (apart from her school) I can cut back on. We dont holiday abroad and havent for about 10 years. I have an old second hand car, I dont drink, I dont have new clothes etc. When we do go on holiday we go camping.

I do understand that other people have different viewpoints, I just dont think they need to be put across so nastily. Yes, yes I know its AIBU but that doesnt mean you have to be insulting does it? Can you not explain your points any other way?

OP posts:
BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 13:46

I know! you seem to see the world from your pink glasses so you didn`t surprise me.

dollius · 27/05/2009 13:46

I'm afraid I agree with those saying look at state schools. She is only 4, so isn't exactly in the middle of her GCSEs or anything. It's hardly that disruptive. I would move my 4-year-old rather than ask my DH to make such a sacrifice to his career.

Can you move into catchment of a better school?

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/05/2009 13:47

I think yabu to ask him to ask his dad to pay.

Snorbs · 27/05/2009 13:48

But if he just took "any" job, 15% of his wages might well be substantially lower than the maintenance he was paying when he was a solicitor. He might not even be able to pay 50% of the school fees as well as have enough left for him to live on. What would you do then? Complain that he's not earning enough? Or expect him to continue paying the same maintenance etc as he was even though his income might've dropped substantially?

It's a very tough job market out there at the moment. I'd hazard a guess that your ex isn't looking for a reasonable-paying job specifically to annoy you, but because he feels that's the best option for everyone.

GypsyMoth · 27/05/2009 13:49

Missed she is only 4.

Well maybe cutting back on school is the way forward. How does your ex feel about that prospect? Maybe the thought it might become a reality will then spur him on to find a better job?

VinegarTits · 27/05/2009 13:50

Actually my viewpoint was put across very diplomatically (unusually so for me)

I still think YABU, maybe now might be a lesson to you in learning to cope better finacially on your own

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 27/05/2009 13:51

Snorbs said it better than I did.
Ok you got £500 a month maintenance and you think that is half of what your dd needs to survive on for clothes, food etc a month I usually hate to get into these bun fights but gee whizz I really think that you need to lookn at your outgoings and cut back severely if your outgoings for dd are £1000 a month.

silverfrog · 27/05/2009 13:52

I htink you need to cut him some slack.

He was made redundant, he didn't leave voluntarily.

He is looking for work.

He shouldn't take any old job that comes along, as a) it probably wouldn't pay enough to keep your dd at her school, and b) it isn't always that easy to get back out of the basic job treadmill once you are on it, even if you do already have the qualifications.

The situation has changed - it has changed for him, and it also means that things have to change for you and your dd too. that's just the way it is.

Please do try to be open minded about this - he isn't doing it to spite you, and he is probably just as worried about your (pl) dd as you are. Please don't just keep demnading he pays the same level of costs, whatever happens - he is only human, and that level may not be possible anymore.

hedgiemum · 27/05/2009 13:52

Worriedunfortunately-
I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect your ExH to bring money in any (legal) way he can until he gets back on his career ladder again - its what I would do myself, and would expect my DH to do, whether we were still together or not, as being in the best interests of our DC.

Personally, I know (as it has happened once before, a very long time ago when we were first married) that my DH would take ANY job going rather than living on benefits if he could find a job and was fit to work; Benefits are surely there for those who cannot work, because of things like disability/ill health, maternity leave, being a carer, or not being able to find any job at all?

Although I don't think you're being unreasonable in your expectations, I think that it is an issue that you ultimately have very little control over, so doing anything you can to plan for this difficult period is on your own shoulders. It must be tough. Is your ex-h totally behind the private education choice? If he isn't, and you couldn't afford it on your own, then it may be time to reappraise, tough as that would be. If he is behind it then I guess you should keep lines of communication open between you, be honest that you worry about having to take her out, and go to the school to explain the situation and see if there is a temporary bursary you could claim. Schools are very understanding when circumstances are explained.

Hope he gets something soon...

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 27/05/2009 13:52

Actually I think you ae being reasonable, your ex-H has a responsibility - his daughter - and if that means working a job he feels beneath him then so be it.(perhaps PT so he can still job hunt in his market)

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:52

Probably I am being unreasonable (get me bending and all!!) to ask him to ask his father, I do understand that its not his dads responsibility. I suppose I'm just desperate to not move her school.

I've thought about moving to be in a better catchment but think a move (with fees etc) would cost about £10k straight away and also I couldnt afford the mortgage on somewhere in a better catchment area (even without the school fees).

I (seriously) would like all those with say £5 a month maintenance to tell me how they cope, even if you took her school fees out the equation I still wouldnt cope without his money. Honestly Im not being sarcastic, all tips very gratefully received.

That may be because I had to buy him out of the house when we divorced and he also left me with £36k plus of debt (£56k with the money to buy him out the house). I have to pay that back every month.

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/05/2009 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:58

Good idea re the bursary - thank you, I will look into that.

Thank you to all of you who have been there, its interesting to read your stories.

I wouldnt insist he paid maintenance at the original rate if he didnt have a job or had a lower paid one, of course. What I was trying to say is that 15% of something is better than 15% of nothing (and vice versa for him, 85% of something is better for him and his life than 85% of nothing).

The £1,000 figure is what she costs in terms of school fees (thats £500 straight away), uniform, meals, portion of mortgage / heat / light / travel / toys / shoes etc. Actually I thought of somewhere I can cut down shes been invited to 6 children's parties over last 3 weeks at £10 a present thats £70 (one is a joint party!)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 27/05/2009 13:59

If you really can't afford to feed/clothe a 4 year old child then you seriously need to rethink!!! I have 5 DC and we get by. You cut back on food, petrol, trips out......clothes and toys for dd ...... Try eBay to buy/sell

If you still can't manage then a switch of residency may be the answer!

BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 14:00

And IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern, I woulndt put it better then you. Totally agree with you.

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 14:00

Of course she doesnt cost £1000 a month to feed and clothe, its for school fees / portion of mortgage etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 14:02

Thanks IloveTiffany, such a lovely constructive thing to say, 'a switch of residency may be the answer'.

Just because its an anonymous forum doesnt mean to say you have to be a nasty person does it? Did I miss that bit in the MN philosophy??

OP posts:
IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 27/05/2009 14:03

Actually Reality reading over a previous post I think what the op is saying cost £1000 is half the bills, roof over dd's head etc as well as all her basic needs and I asked dp about this as I was reading.

Dp is not hte childrens father but neither of us expect the maintenance to cover rent bills etc that is our job the maintenance is too meet the needs of the children. Help with clothes, possibly food etc.

The fact that you rely on your maintenace op to cover your mortgage etc is the point those of us are trying to make about not relying on it. I live in a house that costs us a lot to pa for and live in but we took it on knowing we had to cover that and when ex goes back to work we are not relying on that money to keep our heads above water and pay our bills, rent whatever. I think that is the mistake you have made here and why you are now in such dire straits financially now that you are no longer getting your maintenance payments.

alittlebitshy · 27/05/2009 14:04

I rarely spend more than £5 on party presents. If it is a good friend (ie family friend who has been really good to us, is extra important in our lives) i may splash out - but I could never afford to spend that much on parties. Some of the pressies my dd gets are clearly £££ and although much appreciated by us, I can never reciprocate. Buy a bulk load of books on book people or a load of craft stuff from Baker Ross and dole them out as appropraie...

(i know this is not about parties and presents but I could see somewhere you are spending more than you need to).

BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 14:05

Oh, now you decided to take advice. Big improvement.

GypsyMoth · 27/05/2009 14:06

No, it's not nasty.

It's what I think. A switch in residency if you seriously cannot cutback further, meet your bills or support your dd.

Maybe your ex and his father can budget better? Are they in a better school catchment area?

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 27/05/2009 14:07

Thank you bluegreen

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 14:08

Ineedacleaner - you are probably right. We bought the house together before we had DD, so obviously had both full time wages coming in. We then split when she was 18months. I bought him out of house (unfortunately at height of market!) and had to take a loan out to do so.

I can only work the hours I do if DD goes to nursery 3 days a week, my parents have her another day. This nursery costs circa £500 a month.

I am taking the maintenance to pay towards the bills too (not all the bills obviously), eg portion of mortgage, water, council tax etc.

I really would like advice though on budgeting, because it sounds as though you all manage on less than I do and I have no idea how! Although as I said previously, because of debts ExH left I have to pay £600 a month out on repayments.

OP posts:
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