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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried sick and annoyed with ExH

76 replies

Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:12

Have a DD of 4 with ExH. He usually pays 15% of his net income in maintenance plus half of her nursery / school fees. I also work nearly full time.

He was made redundant 2 months ago. He used some of his redundancy pay to pay the maintenance for the 3 months, so next payment is due at end of June.

He lives 200 miles away and does not therefore help out at all with school holiday care / after school etc.

I spoke to him last night and he has not yet found another job. AIBU to be annoyed that hes only looking for jobs over a certain £ and in his chosen career? He's a solicitor, but should he not be looking for any work that puts money in the bank rather than holding out for the ideal job?

I'm scared to death that without the maintenance there is no way our DD can stay in the school she's currently in (and has been in since she was 6 months old). Also I would find bills / food etc very difficult to pay for without the maintenance.

I've asked him if his father could contribute at all (I know its not his responsibility) but my ExH has saidd he has no money.

I'm really angry because if I lost my job and then didnt take anything, but held out for a 'good job' then surely our DD would starve?

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 27/05/2009 14:19

Why are you paying the debt that he left though? If that is the case it is unfair of you to struggle and pay his debt.
First thing you need to do is sit down and work out how much you have coming in and how much you pay out.
You will have to seriously consider sutting huge corners though and at this time selling the house isn't realistic and as for nursery fees that might be non negoitiable if it is nursery fees but if it is school (reception class, whatever then it may be something you have to consider. If it is a private school is it not possible that the school may have schemes in place to help with financial support at this time until your ex is covering half fees again.

Also it all sounds like silly stuff but look at menu planning, really think about regular treats you buy your daughter that may only seem like a few puounds here and there because all these things do make a huge difference sometimes and you may shock yourself with how many things you are paying out for that you don't really need

BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 14:20

Not at all IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern. I agree with you totally as I dont think a 4 yo child wont or shouldn`t cost £1000pm!

dollius · 27/05/2009 14:21

How horrendous is the local school, really?

I bet it's not that bad - and if you sent your DD there you could get involved with helping to improve it. Then other parents would start to come back to it, and it would get better for everyone.

Real, proper sink schools are very few and far between.

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 14:21

Thank you- I will do budget planner on that Martin Lewis website too, although the thought is scaring me!!

We do spend a lot on food I think and dont really 'plan' meals. Are there weekly menu planners on here? I'll have a hunt through.

Thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 14:25

Dollius - the Ofsted report said the children's literacy DECREASED after going into the school and it got the lowest marks in every area.

She is very happy at her current nursery (which is part of the school) and they have been fantastic for the last nearly 4 years. I do understand that needs must though, and if we really had no money then keeping her at that school would simply not be an option. However, I would like to look at reducing all over possible outgoings first.

The debt was even more than that originally (less the £20k I paid to buy him out of house). I have no idea how he ran it up (and it was him, not us), to save going to court with the divorce we simply split the debt down the middle. So I have to pay back my half plus the £20k.

OP posts:
BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 14:29

yes but you bought! him out of house so its not really his debt. You got the house. So dont consider this as his! debt.

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 14:32

true - the debt is £36K without the £20k i bought him out with.

OP posts:
honeyandlemon · 27/05/2009 15:39

Worriedunfortunately - I think it might be useful to sit down with him and talk through all the options. Look at reductions is sensible.

There were some comments earlier about maintenance being towards food, clothing etc. This is not my understanding at all - it is a contribution towards all those things a child needs - food, clothing, and a home to live in.

I would look at food shopping as a definite area. Not sure how much you spend but I have recently reduced my food shopping bills by quite a lot, without compromising on what we like to eat (make better use of freezer etc).

You might also be able to pay back the debt at a lower interest rate or over a longer period, which could help in the short term. There are some quite good deals at the moment. (? include mortgage etc??)

MissSunny · 27/05/2009 16:05

Message withdrawn

MissSunny · 27/05/2009 16:09

Message withdrawn

sparkybabe · 27/05/2009 16:35

Worried - I dont understand why you got saddled with £36K of HIS debt AAND had to give him £20K for half the mortgage????? Surely you shuld have negitiated for £36K LESS the £20K ie to be saddled with £16K of debt ??

Voltaire · 27/05/2009 16:42

YABU.

I think you are a long way off worrying about your daughter starving if you are still managing to pay school fees.

MissSunny · 27/05/2009 16:50

Message withdrawn

IamNOTspartacus · 27/05/2009 16:55

I think you're all being really harsh on the OP TBH. And I do think it's because she mentioned private school and the £500pcm.

Op, YANBU IMO. My DH is a solicitor. If he were to be made redundant today he'd be straight to all the bars and supermarkets looking for something to help tide us over until something else came along.

Just because some Expartners on here are tossers who contribute just £5a month does not mean that this OP should count anything as a good thing. She is being perfectly reasonable to expect her Exh to contribute half of what it costs to bring up their daughter and she shouldn't have to scale everything back so that half is minimal.

Have you asked him what he can pay this month? Can you arrange a one or two month payment holiday on the mortgage?

mondaymonday · 27/05/2009 17:00

I think YABVU to expect the maintenance to cover half of your mortgage/bills etc. You chose to take on extra debt to buy him out of the house. If you can't afford the mortgage, why didn't you move somewhere cheaper? If you meet a new partner, will you still expect your ex-dp to pay half of your mortgage? If you didn't have DD, you would still need somewhere to live - why should you ex-dp finance that? imo that is not what maintenance is for!

Quattrocento · 27/05/2009 17:06

I agree with Spartacus

Might it be possible to adapt your life to being one where you don't have to rely on your ExH? To a position say where you use his maintenance (when/if it comes) as something you save up with - for university perhaps.

mondaymonday · 27/05/2009 17:11

sorry but I also think that maintenance shouldn't be used to save up. Why should an ex-dp be subsidising the savings of a pwc? Even if it is ultimately used to go towards university expenses, this means that the ex-dp will be paying twice, as he presumably would also be contributing towards university expenses when that occurs. I guess that's part of the problem of basing maintenance as a % of earnings, rather than capping based on cost

Rindercella · 27/05/2009 17:20

Worried, what annoyed me about your initial post was your reference to asking your exH for his father's help. You have since acknowledged that this is indeed unreasonable.

I think thus far your ex-H has behaved pretty reasonably - he has paid you 3 months' money up front. Surely this is a pretty responsible thing to do? Spartacus makes a good suggestion in asking your exH what he can afford to give you after June if he has not been able to find suitable work.

When one parent loses his or her income, both parents need to make sacrifices, to have a look at their priorities. This should happen regardless of whether they are still together or not.

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 17:40

Hello all

Thanks for your comments.

He actually gives me £420 a month, sorry. This is 15% of wages plus half the nursery fees. At the moment (before he got made redundant) he was giving me £80 extra a month becauses he owes me £1000 and I said he could pay it £80 a month. He still owes me £600 of that.

He has indeed been reasonable in paying me the 3 months up front out of his redundancy pay, I agree.

I understand that I may have upset people by saying that we would starve. What I was trying to express was that I did not feel it was right for him to waive responsibility to pay for his daughter (and I was saying that if I too didnt work we'd have no money at all and therefore no cash for food / mortgage). I truly believe that to support your family you should take any job while obviously still looking for the job you ultimately want.

She is currently in transition where she attends the school 2 days a week (and nursery the other day). She has lots of friends there who have been with her since she was 6 months old. I understand that if needs must she would have to come out of that school and into a state one. However, for the sake of continuancy and due to the fact that the other school is so dire, I would rather she didnt.

I do not live a life of privilege, we do not have holidays abroad or anything other than camping in the UK. My car is very old. I dont spend money on haircuts / clothes anything for me. My money all goes on the debt and the house / bills / nursery fees.

In relation to maintenance not being for the mortgage I disagree. Yes I would have to pay a mortgage if I didnt have a dd, but it could be on a small 1 bed flat with no garden if I had no dd. We also wanted to stay in this house to give her some stability as her father and I were divorcing and he was moving away. We wanted to try to keep one thing stable for her.

OP posts:
edam · 27/05/2009 17:48

Agree with you that maintenance is about mortgage/rent and all the expense of running a house - it's not some pocket money for the child, it's about keeping them fed, housed and shod and all.

ChippingIn · 27/05/2009 17:50

worriedunfortunately - I understand where you are coming from and agree that your DD is half his responsibility and therefore you shouldn't need to be in a postion to treat his maintenance money as a 'bonus/extra/luxury' and of course it is also to provide a roof over her head (I simply do not understand anyone who says otherwise. Her Father is equally responsible for this). However, I think I would rest better at night if this wasn't the case.

Is there any chance you could talk to him and ask what his plan is to pay his share of maintenance. Surely he understands you need this money, given he knows your financial situation (re house/loan/school fees etc).

legalalien · 27/05/2009 18:09

In response to the original question, given the timing of redundancy, and assuming he is working in a corporate / banking area or city firm, as opposed to in a high street firm, I think it's reasonable for him to be job-hunting for a job starting in Sept. It is less likely that someone would take him on for a mid-summer-holiday start. If he does not find a job by say, end of July, I think that (from his career perspective) it would be reasonable for him to either start looking at in house jobs (assuming he's not in house already) or to consider locum or contract positions to keep the income coming in.

I put it this way to give you some idea of what I think is reasonable from his career perspective - obviously if he wants to change career / earn less that's a completely different story - a story in which I think your rights are more in the nature of being kept informed / being entitled to a fair hearing in terms of DD's real needs, than anything else.

Nighbynight · 27/05/2009 18:09

Have no time to post anything thoughtful, but I think worried didnt deserve such a hard time on this thread.

honeyandlemon · 27/05/2009 19:51

absolutely agree that maintenance is for share of mortgage/rent, food, clothes and bills. It is all of those things.

I wouldn't want to disrupt your daughter either, since she is very happy where she is. I also think you have had a very hard time, unfairly, and I'm afraid a lot of that seems to be about resentment about partners that don't pay.

You seem very focused. I think I would:

a) discuss further with him - it could be that the shock has knocked his self esteem, and he is reeling from that but that will improve when he's got his head in the right place

b) make sure he is clear that he will need to pay you the £600 back anyway.

c) see if you are entitled to anything additional (credits etc)

d) make savings anyway just in case

e) talk to the school to see if they can help/wait

f) have some fun on ebay and sell some stuff!

sorry about the list. by the way I have been through something similar- circumstances slightly different but financial challenge. let us know how it goes. x

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 21:21

Thank you Honeyandlemon, I appreciate your post.

Your list looks good to me. I will definitely speak to the school re a bursary and look into tax credits.

Sorry to hear you have gone through something similar but thank you for sharing your experience it is very constructive and has given me lots to think about x

OP posts: