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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP I won't be parenting the same way as him next week?

66 replies

BayFever · 24/05/2009 11:46

My partner has just got a 40 hour week job which means I will be the sole carer for the children during the half term holidays.

Obviously I'm used to taking care of my own kids but next week I will be taking care of DSS on my own too.

She's a good kid but she's one of these that just expects everything done for her.

My children have not been brought up like that and will get their own breakfasts, lunch, clothes etc etc whilst DSD sprawls out on the sofa and waits for everything to be brought to her.

I'm not prepared to carry this on during the holidays. If I don't run around after my own kids, I don't see why I should run around after DSD.

She will not take too kindly to being forced to do stuff for herself and I think she will kick up a fuss about DP going to work and 'leaving her'.

Am I just going to make things more awkward and should I just back down or stick to my guns?

She is 12 btw.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 24/05/2009 11:47

at 12 you can explain to her, in a firm but kind way.

violethill · 24/05/2009 11:50

Sounds like she's been thoroughly indulged. Her father is only doing what normal - a 40 hour a week's work is nothing earth shattering is it! Has she been living in some cosy cocoon where he's been waiting on her hand and foot?

Treat her the same as your own DCs. She may well kick up a fuss - that's one of the difficulties of step parenting, you may have different views and ways of doing things. But it will make life a hell of a lot worse in the long run if you give in!

ellingwoman · 24/05/2009 11:52

I wouldn't expect miracles next week, you can't expect a child to suddenly start taking care of themself. You and dp need to explain what you would like her to start doing. You should use next week as a learning curve. Your children have had all their lives like this so it's natural for them. Remember she WILL feel alone next week - be kind!

Original poster
BayFever · 24/05/2009 12:07

I'm thinking of getting all 3 kids sat down and telling them all together that I expect each of them to

a) get their own breakfasts/drinks/snacks
b) sort out their own clothes

that way, she's not being singled out. I will also have a word with DP and tell him what I'm doing.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 24/05/2009 12:15

good idea

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 24/05/2009 12:18

FFS, at twelve I was basically sharing as much as possible with my mum - single parent and doing full-time shift work meant I was a latch key kid and it made me grow up properly. No-one to wait on me hand and foot. She needs to learn and this will do her a lot of good.

I see no problem with singling her out either. Let her know that such behaviour is not normal and not acceptable.

How old are your DC? Has she not seen them doing for themselves before, does she not realise this is how it is in your house?

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 24/05/2009 12:21

Sorry, just re-read what I wrote about being a latch key kid. Not as awful as it sounds, mum looked after me wonderfully. It's just that I had to look after myself sometimes too. And I tried my hardest to look after her when she came home tired after a late shift.

Basically, we looked after each other. Still do. It's called respect.

Original poster
BayFever · 24/05/2009 12:29

I agree completely cheeseandpickle.

My children are 10 and 8 so are actually younger than her. She see's them making scrambled egg, toast, cereal, sandwiches etc and she just shouts "dad, they're having eggs, can you make me some?" he says "can't you make it? you're 12" and she replies "awww can't you? I'm tired/can't be bothered..." etc.

He just sighs and starts to do it for her.

She doesn't do anything for herself. He even packs her school bag, leaves it near the front door for her etc. It's ridiculous.

OP posts:
ellingwoman · 24/05/2009 12:33

Yes - you are right it is ridiculous but her dad is to blame not her. She needs to be taught these things and not be compared to your children.

TheFallenMadonna · 24/05/2009 12:34

It all sounds awfully separate. Couldn't you try all having breakfast together, with every one doing something to help? And if she misses that, then she makes her own?

JoPie · 24/05/2009 12:37

I agree, its not fair to blame her, its his deal, not hers.

And isn't this the same 12 year old that you have just very recently turfed out of her room and moved in with your 2 children? Do you not think maybe you are being a bit harsh expecting her to just change everything in the space of a few weeks and listen to everything you say?
YABU, totally. She's 12, you're the grown up. I think you need to be a bit kinder to her altogether.

Original poster
BayFever · 24/05/2009 12:37

Ellingwoman, I blame DP 100%! What 12 year old wouldn't make the most of having someone wait hand and foot on you? I know I would have done.

OP posts:
Original poster
BayFever · 24/05/2009 12:38

We didn't turf her out of her room?!?

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 12:40

OMG, even my 20m old manages to get himself a yoghurt from the fridge if he wants one. My 10 yr old makes them breakfast every day. she needs a reality check and soon!!!

ellingwoman · 24/05/2009 12:40

God, you're a hard lot....

TheFallenMadonna · 24/05/2009 12:46

Do you really leave your 8yo and 10yo to get their own breakfasts and lunches? I think you'd be more likely to get her contributing if you did more things together, really.

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 24/05/2009 12:48

JoPie 'She's 12, you're the grown up' !!!

What kind of excuse is that??? How the hell is she supposed to grow up FFS????

And yes, put some of the blame on DP but honestly, anybody (child or adult) who actively lets someone else do all the work is a selfish little bitch, IMO, and deserves to have the rug pulled out from under them.

The shock of having to do for herself might wake her up to what her father's been doing for her and might just save any relationship she has as a 'grown up', where she has to share responsibility and work!!

Ivykaty44 · 24/05/2009 12:50

Tell your dsd that you will show her how to cook and make toast etc, get breakfast. Perhaps she is not comfortable or experianced in doing these things and feels incompetent especially when there are younger dc in the same house doing it.

TBH I couldn't cook at 16 let alone at 12. I learnt to cook when I left hme as I got lots of recipe books from the library.

If I had been hungry I would have made a snadwhich all the time

Kimi · 24/05/2009 12:53

Your house your rules and if you are looking after someone else child they shold abode by the rules of your home, If she dose not like it and starts send her home

SlartyBartFast · 24/05/2009 12:55

no, i agree with ivykaty,
you must be kind to her - don't talk about turfing her out.fgs

Original poster
BayFever · 24/05/2009 12:56

we all live together Kimi. This is her home.

FallenMadonna, they do get their own breakfasts, yes. I don't want to raise any man-child types.

With lunch it depends ... if they want the same as what I'm having, I'll make enough for all of us. If they want something else, they make it themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
BayFever · 24/05/2009 12:58

Another thing is that she won't do any jobs around the house. My kids take turn with the washing up, putting the bin out etc ... when it comes to DSD's turn she suddenly develops violent stomach/head pains and has to go and lie down. Then DP is all over her with paracetamol asking if there is anything she needs bringing upstairs

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 24/05/2009 13:00

What and your dc never argue about the washing up or putting the bins out - I want your secrets - now

Cos I have never been able to get either of mine to do the jobs I ask every single time without a moan or groan and sometimes I resort to bartering

TheOtherMaryPoppinsDiets · 24/05/2009 13:01

It's not her fault bless, you need to show her how to do things not just let her flail about trying, we don't come into the world knowing automatically how to scramble eggs for instance.

Be gentle with her, it's what she has lived with and not of her own making. You could have a rather streszsful week if you go in all guns blazing and all in a "how brill my kids are and you are shite" manner.

How long have you all lived together for? Surely you could have been slowly changing things rather than let it come to a head like this? then would that not be partly your fault too along with your DP?

ellingwoman · 24/05/2009 13:01

Well perhaps she doesn't know how to....

I'm feeling more and more sorry for her. She must know she doesn't live up to your standards and she is probably dreading next week. Use the week to your benefit and spend more time getting to know her. It will be worth it