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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP I won't be parenting the same way as him next week?

66 replies

BayFever · 24/05/2009 11:46

My partner has just got a 40 hour week job which means I will be the sole carer for the children during the half term holidays.

Obviously I'm used to taking care of my own kids but next week I will be taking care of DSS on my own too.

She's a good kid but she's one of these that just expects everything done for her.

My children have not been brought up like that and will get their own breakfasts, lunch, clothes etc etc whilst DSD sprawls out on the sofa and waits for everything to be brought to her.

I'm not prepared to carry this on during the holidays. If I don't run around after my own kids, I don't see why I should run around after DSD.

She will not take too kindly to being forced to do stuff for herself and I think she will kick up a fuss about DP going to work and 'leaving her'.

Am I just going to make things more awkward and should I just back down or stick to my guns?

She is 12 btw.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 24/05/2009 21:41

Bella - I don't think it's the same person. I read that thread too - but the OP on that thread was saying they were about to move in together - and BayFever says they've been living together for about a year.

OP - I do think you've got this week down as the week you will prevail. And tbh I think it's asking for trouble! I agree she has to do more but you'll do more by just including her. If she refuses to help out, encourage her to, and don't bring her anything - but don't tell her off - just say, well it's there in the kitchen when you're hungry

BigBellasBeerBelly · 24/05/2009 22:09

Fair enough josie!

Agree with noonki as well.

Take it slow. Be kind.

cory · 25/05/2009 09:57

Remembering what it was like to be 12- and watching my own 12yo, she will feel nervous and helpless when things change. And nervous headaches and tummy aches are entirely normal for that age, not necessarily a sign of fibbing, just that this is not an age that copes well with sudden upheaval because there is so much upheaval in their lives already.

I would get her to do things, but in a tactful way that doesn't show her up in front of the others; if you just tell her what she is expected to do and she doesn't know how to , she will freeze and be incapable of doing anything. Make it a game, do things together, let her see that you think it's fun doing things together.

I consider myself a good cook, but I was 40 before I learnt to scramble eggs, because we never did that at home. Not necessarily a sign of incompetence.

RumourOfAHurricane · 25/05/2009 14:15

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mrsjammi · 25/05/2009 14:33

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minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 25/05/2009 15:05

Could people please read things properly before judging. I said 'anybody (child or adult) who actively lets someone else do all the work is a selfish little bitch'. I don't know this child but I have known plenty of twelve year olds who are quite mature enough to know exactly what they are up to and play on an adults feelings of guilt, which is what it sounds like this child is doing.

OP, please correct me if I'm wrong and you think she doesn't realise and is innocently reacting sub-consciously to the changes in her situation. If so then yes, I agree with what a lot of posters have said. Take it slowly and just let her know in a gentle way that you are not her father and you expect some help around the house.

Noonki Again please read posts before responding. I mentioned about being brought up by a single mother who worked full-time doing shift work and I had to look after myself some of the time. She did a bloody marvellous job and I'm incredibly proud of her and I made sure that I helped out when I could. I'm not saying I was a perfect teenager but I bloody well didn't expect anybody to run around after me without some sort of return gesture. Like I said several times, it's called respect.

Oh, and as for the basic decency stuff, I was also brought up to speak as I find.

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 25/05/2009 17:27

BayFever I think a worry you've only vaguely voiced here is the effect this behaviour will have on your own kids. They are surely going to start feeling resentful when they see her getting away with doing nothing to help about the house, especially the closer they get to their teens. You mentioned they argued, like kids will, though still got on and did what you asked. How long will it just be like this, do you think?

You said you moved in with DP and DSD last year, so are we talking a year with them, longer, six months? Did you say anything about this to DP when you agreed to live together? Do you think it's been long enough for her to be used to things as they are now?

mrsjammi · 25/05/2009 18:02

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minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 25/05/2009 19:11

LOL re snot and phlegm, mrsj

I have such joys ahead of me!!!

katiestar · 25/05/2009 19:35

I think its sad that your meals seem so separate - everybody only making their own.

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 25/05/2009 22:19

katie the OP just mentioned breakfast. Do you have breakfast at the same time as the rest of your family every day? OP also said that if they wanted the same as she was having for lunch then she made for everybody. I think the main problem she's having with DSD is that she never gets off her arse to do anything for anybody else, but expects her father to do for her. BayFever sounds like she's worried DSD will expect this of her this week and will get arsey if it doesn't happen.

BayFever are you still about?

Judy1234 · 27/05/2009 10:02

She moved like a cuckoo in the nest into this poor 12 year old girl's home so she could take over and sleep with her father. What girl is really going to want that at that age. No wonder she's fed up. I was assuming the SD was hardly every there and just difficult on visits not that her whole life had been changed by an interloper who has different standards. Surely the person who moves in should accommodate to the standards of the people who are already there not the other way round?

But all teenagers are difficult. I don't sort out teenagers' rooms. They have to deal with it themselves and with the daily.

Actually that's one solution - women go forth, earn a fortune and pay someone else to come in and sort out the mess. It's THE best solution by a long way to family and domestic issues. Women earning a lot of money in good careers and outearning men - key to happiness and domestic harmony every time - free yourself from the shackles of domestic slavery. Get your business tui on and go out and out earn all the men and leave them to clear up the dirty plates.

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 27/05/2009 15:36

Xenia I love the idea of leaving the men to clear up. Can you teach mine to see the mess that needs cleaning??!!

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 27/05/2009 15:38

And Xenia, you have a point if it feels like that to the DSD. But the OP hasn't been back for ages to explain further.

Pepa · 27/05/2009 15:50

Love Noonki's suggestion....definately catch more flies with honey as the saying goes...

Judy1234 · 28/05/2009 14:00

Men clear up if women earn over £100k and they earn less. It's the simple formula and girls can make that happen by making wise career choices in their teens. It's also more fun. But I've never since my divorce lived with a man so I don't really have the practical experience of being a step parent.

Advice to single women is don't go near men with chidlren with a barge pole when there are plenty of unencumbered men around.

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