To tell DP I won't be parenting the same way as him next week?

[BayFever]

My partner has just got a 40 hour week job which means I will be the sole carer for the children during the half term holidays.

Obviously I'm used to taking care of my own kids but next week I will be taking care of DSS on my own too.

She's a good kid but she's one of these that just expects everything done for her.

My children have not been brought up like that and will get their own breakfasts, lunch, clothes etc etc whilst DSD sprawls out on the sofa and waits for everything to be brought to her.

I'm not prepared to carry this on during the holidays. If I don't run around after my own kids, I don't see why I should run around after DSD.

She will not take too kindly to being forced to do stuff for herself and I think she will kick up a fuss about DP going to work and 'leaving her'.

Am I just going to make things more awkward and should I just back down or stick to my guns?

She is 12 btw.

i don't understand. is this your house or dp's house? does dsd live with you all the time? who brought her up?

would it not be kinder to work with her on this ie 'let's make breakfast'..show her how to make stuff, lay it all out etc or whatever it is you want her to do. if it's laundry then ask her to help you with it, don't just tell her you expect her to do it.

It's not the helping out that I'm about. It's the lack of communality (is that a word?). What's wrong with eating together and working together rather than each to their own ends?

And Good God Almighty at the "selfish little bitch" comment...

I see, sorry I thought she was just staying for the holidays.

Don't do for her, tell you DP he needs to stop his guilt fest or what ever it is he has going an and make her pull her weight.

I am sorry but if she will not help then do not give her treats, if she will not get her clothes sorted out take her out in her nightdress and if she will not get her breakfast she can be hungry, I give it less then a week till she bucks her ideas up.

Everyone ran aroung after my sister and now she finds the real world one hell of a shock, your DP is not doing this child any favors by letting her lord it up and not help out.

"And yes, put some of the blame on DP but honestly, anybody (child or adult) who actively lets someone else do all the work is a selfish little bitch, IMO, and deserves to have the rug pulled out from under them."

Minesacheesepickle, you should be ashamed of talking about a child like that. It is repulsive.

mmm I don't think it's unreasonable to make breakfast or lunch for DCs of 8, 10, 12!

Mine do get their own cereals on school days because we don't sit down together (too hectic) but I always check they've each had breakfast and juice. But I get breakfast for us all as a family on weekends and hols. And I make lunch for all of us - they get what the rest of the family gets! Although I sometimes get them to lay the table/pour drinks/scrape plates and put them in the dishwasher.

They have to put their own clothes away, but I do make sure uniform is out and ready, and check PE bags are packed on the appropriate days. If everyone is having a drink I make it, but they get their own of it's just them.

I am their mum. It is part of my job! DSD sounds quite normal to me

I think scrambled eggs is surprisingly tricky, actually.

If you all do stuff nicely together, it would be much better. Show her how to do stuff, rather than ganging up on her and mocking her because she doesn't know how. Make a game of it. Play at Masterchef or Hell's Kitchen!!

Oh my kids complain all the time! not many kids will willingly offer to wash up! I wish! but they know that if they don't do it, their pocket money gets docked. There are consequences. This is supposed to be the system with DSD too but DP always comes out with "but she can't really help having stomach ache so maybe we should let her off this time?"

Her dad brought her up. It's his house, we moved in last year.

I have tried involving her in cooking, she just moans that she can't be bothered.

I never mock her btw, I've never once said anything to her about not being able to cook ... I simply offer to show her how. But she replies with "its ok, my dad will do it"

That said, OP, the pretending to be ill and DP pandering to her would drive me around the bend! And him chipping in and doing stuff for her that the other DCS don't get done.

IME the kindest and easiest thing to do in these situations is for you and DP to come to an agreement of what is going to be the done thing and both enforce it - and for the decided 'done thing' to be somewhere in between what the old routines were. That may be tosh advice - it's just what worked for us

A similar (but different) thing occasnially drives me mad in our household. If we go out somehwere (swimming, the beach, anywhere really) I have too many DCs to be able to carry all their stuff, so in general each has to carry their own bag, or if they take their fleece off they have to tie it round their own waist etc, and each has to be responsible for picking their things up if we stop and not losing them!

But DH didn't use to be in that situation with DSC so he, completely without thinking, carries DSC's bags, or his jacket etc and it makes me feel that it is unfair on my DCs. However he really does try hard to remember that we are one family and have to try to live by one set of rules. It's just habit. And DSC isn't lazy at all. DSC is lovely

You can't bring a child up one way for its entire life then suddenly expect them to adhere to a different set of rules IMO!

BayFever is this the same dsd who has had to swap bedrooms to cater for your ds's? The same one you have just recently moved into the home of?

I'm sorry, but I don't see any reason why I shouldn't call somebody selfish if that's what they are. Being twelve doesn't make you blameless. I've known enough twelve year olds to know that they can be just as bad as adults. All they need is to be shown their behaviour is unacceptable and praised when they behave in a proper manner, ie. helping out sometimes. Like I said earlier, looking after each other, it's called respect, and this child seems to have none for her father or for the OP.

Yes, she's still a child, but her father is going to keep her that way for her whole life if this continues and my point is that by the sounds of it, she's going to let him. This will eventually ruin any chance of proper happiness she has in her relationships with men, unless she is lucky enough to find some moron who will continue where her father left off!

One of the reasons we have a generation of teenagers and young adults who can do sweet FA for themselves and think that the world owes them a living is that some parents think it's ok to baby they until they are useless to themselves or anybody else.

she isn't childish. she's the product of the upbringing her father has given her.

you have moved into her and her dad's house. you have come along with different ways of doing things. you are taking your frustration out on a child. your dp is probably shit scared of upsetting her as he's just had you and your kids move into their house. it's a big deal for them both. you can't just expect them both to dance your tune.

I wouldn't do it my sis is a lazy mare. But when I take care of her she knows I can't do it as I am pg and have a 3 year old. My mum has only her. She knows this actively helps and realises that although I may not run round after her there are some good points as I am not as strict as my mum on other things. It makes her realise that not all people are the same. At first she was horrified at having to make her own drinks now she likes it as she is starting to get a little independance now she offers to help even if I don't ask. But I do compromise slightly and not make her do as much as I would if she were my dd.

saying that we did take it slowly, Little bit at a time. I also had to show her how to do some things don't expect things to change overnight. I would start by making her pass you the things to make the cereal.

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich well tbh I think your parents messed up on the basic decency stuff.

it is inexcusable to call a child a selfish little bitch.

end off.

Baystar

I bet a part of you is thinking next week will be an oportunity to 'sort out your DSD'

but in reality it is your DP that needs to change.

I ama stepparent and it is hard but being a step child is probably harder.

I would use next week not as a time to get tough but as a time to lay the foundations.

i agree she should do her own breakfast and I think explaiining to them all together is a good idea.

Then for lunch do it in a fun way, tell all three of them that they are doing to do a week of picnics, and that each of them is responsible for a different day. they have to (with your help) choose a menu and help make it.

Look at some recipe websites with them for ideas.

have the picnic in the garden or park.

make biscuits/cakes with all of them.

View it as a week to show your DSD that mucking in cn be fun.

otherwise you will be the big bad woof (or evil step-mum...my nickname in this house

then sort it out with your DP. You need to start parenting together or else you will have serious problems as they all hit their teens.

he is the one who needs a kick up the bum by the sound of it.

I think you need to think longer than next week tbh. First you and your DP need to sit down and agree what you want to have the girls doing...

If you don't do this, and your DP will only relent then you will waste a whole week causing hassle and having fights, only at the end of it for him to undermine you and things will only go back to the status quo at the end of it. Nothing will be gained at all unless he is on board too.

If you do get DH on board and working with you, then this scenario can be a good catalyst for change. You will have her over a barrell as it were - for if your DH is not around, then if she doesn't make her own breakfast then she'll go hungry (my 5 year old has to get her own breakfast at the weekends, so such things really is not unreasonable to expect - and if she doesn't bother, she goes hungry!) Same will go for lunch. If your DH is on board, then positive reinforcement from him at the end of the day (I heard you got your own lunch today , well done!) will help bring in the change.

But nothing will change unless your DH is on board. If he is not, then he will simply undermine all your hard work by doing things for her, everything will revert back to the norm, nothing will change except you will have had a week of arguments and possibly a bit more resentment from you to him and her to you!

HTH

Most parents make the meals for their chidlren of that kind of age actually. I get breakfast for my 10 year olds and I work full time and I am the sort of mother who leaves children go get on with things on their own. She's only there for a week and probably won't often say with you. Also she's 12 which is a dreadful age to be - the hormones are seething. it's a horrible horrible feeling.

My 10 year olds often get their own lunch or dinner (or breakfast if I'm away on business) but it's never been a chore or a job. They sat down with their big brother and he showed them things like how to make pancakes. Its' a fun thing not a discipline thing and then the child has such a sense of achievement that they've learned how to do X. On the chores my solution has always been to hire a cleaner but assuming that's not an option, then nothing wrong with children doing their bit but for a week when she's been foisted on strangers which in a sense is probably morally wrong why should you have to look after her. You are her mother's and her father's repsonsibilty

Is this the same DSD though who has moved rooms to accomodate your boys?

Xenia, she lives with the OP. She won't only be there for a week. The week refers to the half term holiday.

And if it is did she agree to move with good grace?

12 is a difficult age for a girl and she is being asked to make a lot of changes to her life. None of which will seem to her to be beneficial at the moment.

You need to take it really really slowly.

Apologies if I'm not thinking of the right person!

If you have only been together as a family for a year then I think you have to take things slowly. I agree her father is not doing her any favours, and that she is probably taking advantage, but that doesn't mean she is a bad child, or that she won't/can't learn to contribute more as time goes on.

But if she has lived with just her and her dad for a long while they will have got into a pattern of doing of things which are now totally disrupted. Perhaps all the tummy aches etc are her wy of getting proof that she is still special in her dads eye? Suddenly having to share with three other people is a uge change for anyone, let alone a 12 year old.

What sort of relationship do you have with her? Can you talk to her about how things should work, what being the eldest might be like, how she might like the household to run? Not so that she can dictate, but so that she has some input and then you can work out a new way of doing things which everyone signs up to.

I remember opting out of household tasks in a similar way at a fairly similar age, because my older sister was so incredibly good that I felt anything I did would be over looked (I didn't realise at the time this was because she needed the brownie points for other things!). Forward two years later and I was cooking the main meal twice a week. Change is possible!

Agree with Noonki and the advice she has given.

Its easy to forget when you are having to deal with the fall out, but you can't forget that this is how she has been brought up and it is not Dsd's fault that the goal posts have suddenly changed. How can that be her fault?

I think we forget how tough this must be and as for minesachesseandpickle , lets not forget we are talking about a 12year old girl, who, though I don't know the circumstances, must have gone through a great deal of upheavel in her life. The words you used are appalling in the context of a young girl.