Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I wasn't or maybe I was

54 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 00:33

To have checked my ds1's emails....and now feel so sad having found this email he sent his father....

Hi B,

I am hoping you get this email. Because there are a few things i need to say.

I am almost 11 yrs old now and for all different reasons I have not had you in my life. Sometimes because of me and sometimes because of you.
All through the years it is Mummy who has looked after me and in the last 3 1/2 years my Dad has as well.

I need you to understand that I feel now that I have done all i can to let you be my dad. You have always found reasons not to be there, but none of it matters anymore.

When we met a few months ago I wanted to tell you so many things but you did not even come to see me on your own you brought your girlfriend and her son who is the same age as me, do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like you have replaced me without giving me the chance to know you. You don't understand how much it hurt me.

I asked you if my dad could adopt me and you have said yes. Ok that is what I want BUT you could have said no, you could have made me feel like you wanted me. instead you just gave up without any of that, you really made me feel the way i have for a long time....like you have never wanted me. Thank you DAD!! oh no sorry but thats not you is it? you are not the person who has taken care of me in the night while mummy had my brother, you were not the one wo stayed off of work to take me fishing, theme parks, come and see my plays, choir recitals, nothing at all, you were not the one who looked after me for the week my mummy was in hospital no that was my DAD not you , my FATHER....I understand now what people mean when they say anyone can be a father but only a real man can be a DAD, You are not a real man you are not a dad....or maybe you are just not to me.

I will never talk about you as if you are my dad or my father in fact i don't care where you are in life or what you do anymore, i hope you are happy with your make believe son.....maybe one day he and his mum will see you for what you really are SELFISH. You could not even pay for us to bowl when we met your GIRLFRIEND did....at least one of you cared enough.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 24/05/2009 00:40

Oh god, that must make you just want to weep!!

On the plus side, you have a superbly emotionally literate boy there...he will be fine!

I just want to send you both a huge hug btw- really I do...< huge hugs >

lisad123 · 24/05/2009 00:41

oh what a heartbreaking letter, but can i say so well written. He sounds like a lovely boy.

skramble · 24/05/2009 00:44

Your son is amazing and very inciteful, I hope my son has that clarity of though some time and can see his father for what he is too. Very sad but also heartwarming too.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 00:48

He is a lovely boy even if he is a tyrant at times lol.

I feel guilty for checking his emails but in a way am glad i did. I just wish he was able to NOT be this mature in his feelings iyswim? just a regular little boy with none of the adult concerns he has.

OP posts:
tigana · 24/05/2009 00:49

Will not comment on why you were looking at his emails. What do I know? My DS is 3!!

But..wow, great email and what a great DS to have worked all of that out and expressed it so well. Bet it was cathartic for DS to write as well.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 00:50

Skramble, I guess that fact that this has gone on since he was 22m old and in July he will be 11 has had some impact. He carries a lot of hatred for this man and I wish i knew how to help him release it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 00:51

Tigana, I always check his emails since his father sent him a nasty one which totally screwed him up telling him that to get on with his life he needed to forget ds1.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 24/05/2009 00:52

Just noticed it was you LES, how you doing? he is a brill boy but you know that already.

tigana · 24/05/2009 00:55

See, exactly, ladyevenstar..what do I know!?

I think this email will have helped him release some of that anger in a pretty safe way. It reads like he is trying to 'move on' and give himslef some (cliche alert!) 'closure'.

if I'm not expressing myself too well (and typing v poorly!) I apologise, and point at the gin bottle!

skramble · 24/05/2009 00:59

Agree think he was releasing some anger himself with this email in a very constructive way, I think this is a positive thing for him to have done.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 01:01

Lisa, I am doing great. I know he is a brill boy, just wish i could help him more here!

How are you all????

OP posts:
lisad123 · 24/05/2009 01:02

you help him enough by being there for him.

We are doing ok, thanks for asking

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 01:03

So do I tell him i have seen his email and see if he wants to talk about it or do i just wait and see if he opens up? I don't want him to know i have been checking looking at his emails

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 01:05

Lisa, am glad all is going well!! I take it there have been good improvements?

OP posts:
skramble · 24/05/2009 01:06

I wouldn;t tell him you have seen the email, just make time and opportunities for him to talk and accept it if he doesn't want to, maybe he feels he needs to deal with some of this himself right now, give him the space to do that.

BitOfFun · 24/05/2009 01:06

I would just just leave it, but be extra loving to him and watch out for him. You must be so proud, what a great job you're doing!

staylucky · 24/05/2009 01:25

I get that you're proud but did you have to publish it here??!! Can the kid have no privacy?

skramble · 24/05/2009 01:30

Thats a stupid comment.

MagNacarta · 24/05/2009 01:30

I don't know your storey, but fwiw I'd say that writing that email will have helped your ds a lot. I still wish I'd told my Dad how I feel, I've cut him out of my life but still feel frustrated that I haven't been able to tell him. I could have done, but didn't have the guts to, well done to your son.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 24/05/2009 01:44

What a lovely boy you have. And what an utter tosser his bio-father must be not to love and appreciate him.

Though I have to say that I do, sort of, see staylucky's point, that is such a beautifully-written articulate letter that it could get picked up by (for instance) some trawling journo and publicized a bit more widely than your DS would have wanted.

makipuppy · 24/05/2009 08:49

He sounds like a really lovely boy and quite secure in the love of his true family. I think this disappointment about his father is better for him than constantly striving pointlessly for his attention.

I agree with staylucky and solidgold though, I actually felt guilty reading his personal thoughts - is nothing sacred!

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 09:13

I didn't put it on here because i was proud, I was and still upset by the email....its awful to read for me.

OP posts:
justaboutspringtime · 24/05/2009 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KingCanuteIAm · 24/05/2009 09:23

Morning Lady! Your sons words made me cry

Can you talk generally about his father rather than mention the email? This sounds, to me, like a final word. Like he is having his say and he wants an end to it. If he confirms that could you maybe block his fathers email address and let him know all emails come through you from now on as ds wants nothing more to do with him?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 24/05/2009 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn