Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I wasn't or maybe I was

54 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 00:33

To have checked my ds1's emails....and now feel so sad having found this email he sent his father....

Hi B,

I am hoping you get this email. Because there are a few things i need to say.

I am almost 11 yrs old now and for all different reasons I have not had you in my life. Sometimes because of me and sometimes because of you.
All through the years it is Mummy who has looked after me and in the last 3 1/2 years my Dad has as well.

I need you to understand that I feel now that I have done all i can to let you be my dad. You have always found reasons not to be there, but none of it matters anymore.

When we met a few months ago I wanted to tell you so many things but you did not even come to see me on your own you brought your girlfriend and her son who is the same age as me, do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like you have replaced me without giving me the chance to know you. You don't understand how much it hurt me.

I asked you if my dad could adopt me and you have said yes. Ok that is what I want BUT you could have said no, you could have made me feel like you wanted me. instead you just gave up without any of that, you really made me feel the way i have for a long time....like you have never wanted me. Thank you DAD!! oh no sorry but thats not you is it? you are not the person who has taken care of me in the night while mummy had my brother, you were not the one wo stayed off of work to take me fishing, theme parks, come and see my plays, choir recitals, nothing at all, you were not the one who looked after me for the week my mummy was in hospital no that was my DAD not you , my FATHER....I understand now what people mean when they say anyone can be a father but only a real man can be a DAD, You are not a real man you are not a dad....or maybe you are just not to me.

I will never talk about you as if you are my dad or my father in fact i don't care where you are in life or what you do anymore, i hope you are happy with your make believe son.....maybe one day he and his mum will see you for what you really are SELFISH. You could not even pay for us to bowl when we met your GIRLFRIEND did....at least one of you cared enough.

OP posts:
Kimi · 24/05/2009 10:38

You and your partner must be proud of this wonderful young man, he will grow up to be a loving dad I am sure.

I am sorry he has such an areswipe as a biological father, but I truly think he is better off without this male in his life.

X

HuffwardlyRudge · 24/05/2009 10:45

Gosh, I wish you hadn't posted it on a massive public forum.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 24/05/2009 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FairLadyRantALot · 24/05/2009 11:04

LadyEvenStar,
looks like your son has worked out what a worthless piece of crap his "Father" (using the term losely here) is...and I think that that realisation will really help him. Especially as he seems to realise that whilst it made him feel like crap (that his Father agreed to adoption so easily) he also seems to to realise that it isn't a reflection of him, but the worthlessness of his father, who sounds like a complete tosser.

Tbh, your son feels pretty much about his father as I always have (and still do) about my own...only I could have never expressed myself so brilliantly...

I think it is also important that you yourself remember that what other people do is not within your power. You are doing the best you can and that is all you can do...and it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job with your son...

audreyraines · 24/05/2009 11:18

Oh what a beautiful lovely sensitive boy. It is sad, yes, I feel the same about my 'father', but I think it's so positive that he sees what a great mum you are and what a great dad your partner is. I really admire his depth of understanding at such a young age.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 12:30

Thanks Ladies, I just wish I could take the hurt away for him, I guess I forget he is growing up. I have no understanding of how a father walking away feels I always had Mum and Dad iyswim?

OP posts:
chegirl · 24/05/2009 18:49

Wow!

What an amazing boy you have there.

I am so sorry for the pain he is feeling but boy does he know how to express it!

He has worked out that his birth dad is a selfish idiot. It also seems that he has grasped that its not his [your son's] fault. That is surely testament to your parenting?

I am aware that I will be facing a similar issue with my DS when he begins to understand that his birth mum let him go.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 20:34

Chegirl,
You know for some unknown reason I feel I can say to you I am and have always been "hard" on him. I have tried my best to be mum dad teacher trainer carer etc to him and maybe just maybe it has paid off..

OP posts:
chegirl · 24/05/2009 20:43

I think you have every right to say that Evening. He shows remarkable emotional maturity.

Its crap that our kids have to deal with these feelings of rejection. The best we can do is to arm them with all they need to cope. It does seem like you are succeeding.

I am sure (unfortunately) that you will hit some rocky patches as he hits his teens but you have a good foundation there.

His birth dad sounds a right arse BTW

chegirl · 24/05/2009 20:44

I meant Evenstar NOT Evening DOH - Sorry.

FabulousBakerGirl · 24/05/2009 20:45

I couldn't read all the OP.

I know exactly where you son is coming from and huge credit to you and him that he can write such an amazing email at 11 fgs.

He is a very special boy.

MiniMarmite · 24/05/2009 20:51

Made me cry too!

It is sad, but how wonderful that he is able to express himself so well.

msdevine · 24/05/2009 21:14

Wow that made me really cry brings the pain back of rejection from my own father.

What is really good is that he has your partner there for him now as a dad. Obviously its going to still be painful, I am grown up and have my own family now but i am still hurting.

However i have never said these things to my father that your son has said in his email, i have never had the courage, keeping that in causes so much hurt.

So you should be very glad that he has been able to do this. It is a way of saying goodbye but also seems like a plea for an explanation or maybe to see if he can get any kind of love out of his father.

How awful that he brought his girlfriend and his son to see Your son. I really feel for him i really do it brings up all my feelings from my past.

I think your son may have made his own decision that it is time to move on. Good luck to the both of you.xx

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 24/05/2009 22:45

Thankyou Ladies xx

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 24/05/2009 23:09

TLE, I read the email out to dh, bawled crying while reading it and now dh is planning a trip away, just himself, ds1 and ds2 as a "bonding" thing so your ds has inadvertently given 2 boys in Ireland the trip of their dreams! ( Man U will be involved!)

I can't imagine how hard it was for you to read that.

But, yes, it is heartbreaking, yes your ds has had to realise too early the difference between a "Dad" and a "father" but look at it this way, doesn't it show how well you have chosen your current dp? How you have given your ds the "Dad" that his father could never have been?

And, my goodness, how eloquent your ds1 is and how well he can express himself, You have a writer in the making there!

You should be so, so proud, both of the choices you have made and of your fabulous son!

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 25/05/2009 23:31

Hi ladies, well it seems like he has read DS1s email as tonight i got a txt saying

It all seems too much trouble lets leave things the way they are

so i replied but thats not what ds1 wants remember there is more than one person involved here

so he replied

what do you mean more than one person this is between ds1 and me,

so i said
no actually it involves ds1 dp, dss1 ds2 and me
and ds1 wants you to talk to dp first.

he replied
I am not prepared to do that so tell him things ARE staying as they are whether he likes it or not.

To which i replied

I will take it through the courts if need be, my sons wants are more important than you and yours, and just think you will be financially free of him then. I think you will find that as he was born in 1998 you have no need to give your permission anyway and especially as you were never given parental rights. My son is who matters and his happiness, not you telling me this is giving you liver problems. Maybe if you had not been on the brink of alcoholism your liver would be fine now!

To which he replied

Well if you can get it done in a week do it or forget it.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 25/05/2009 23:31

Hi ladies, well it seems like he has read DS1s email as tonight i got a txt saying

It all seems too much trouble lets leave things the way they are

so i replied but thats not what ds1 wants remember there is more than one person involved here

so he replied

what do you mean more than one person this is between ds1 and me,

so i said
no actually it involves ds1 dp, dss1 ds2 and me
and ds1 wants you to talk to dp first.

he replied
I am not prepared to do that so tell him things ARE staying as they are whether he likes it or not.

To which i replied

I will take it through the courts if need be, my sons wants are more important than you and yours, and just think you will be financially free of him then. I think you will find that as he was born in 1998 you have no need to give your permission anyway and especially as you were never given parental rights. My son is who matters and his happiness, not you telling me this is giving you liver problems. Maybe if you had not been on the brink of alcoholism your liver would be fine now!

To which he replied

Well if you can get it done in a week do it or forget it.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 25/05/2009 23:46

TLE - he really is a prize wanker isn't he. I presume you are keeping these delightful messages from him?? I hope you get it done ASAP. I wonder what the 'in a week' is all about? Or is it just general game playing??

Your son did so well when he met up with him and has obviously still been processing it. Now he has sent this incredibly well thought out and written (heartbreaking) email... he's a strong little boy.

I understand how you want to protect him from this and how much it's hurting you, but all you can do is keep being there for him.

Why not tell him you got this text from his biological father and see if you can get him to talk a bit.

He's lucky to have such a great Mum & DAD x

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 26/05/2009 00:12

Chipping you are totally right there he is a prize wanker!

Afaik he is not on MN lol.

I can't tell ds1 about the texts as it will knock him for six and it has taken him so long to get to where he is iyswim? I am going to go to a solicitor this week and find out what i need to do with regard to parental responsibilty and adoption. My only worry is that if courts contact him then he will say no to it anyway....

OP posts:
Alambil · 26/05/2009 00:19

LES you have an awesome son.... I only hope and pray my own DS turns out the same

does bio-dad have parental responsibility?

does this help?

Alambil · 26/05/2009 00:20

TLE = not LES

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 26/05/2009 00:21

ooppss misread that, yes i have saved the messages

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 26/05/2009 00:26

Lewis, no he doesn't have parental responsibilty

OP posts:
Alambil · 26/05/2009 00:31

well, that link says your sons dad can adopt without the bio-bloke's say so, so you could do it and just say "too late - its done"

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 26/05/2009 00:42

Lewis, was just reading it...THANKYOU!!!!

OP posts: