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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with my au pair for going into my room

97 replies

nvj · 22/05/2009 23:57

and getting a book off my bedside table that she had lent me, I'm in the middle of reading it and I come back from rare night out with my husband and she said i'm just borrowing this book back and then sat on the sofa reading it for 20 mins and has now gone to her room with it!
i was really looking forward to reading it and now am going to have to ask if i can borrow it again plus i am still a bit annoyed that she's gone in my room and taken it back! i'd never go in her room and take something even if it was mine!!!
sorry, feel better now that i've ranted!

OP posts:

gerontius · 23/05/2009 19:44

When you lend things to people, surely it's polite to not take them back without asking? Especially when it's just a book. It's not as though you borrowed her car and she needed it back for something....surely she could have waited?

stuffitlllama · 23/05/2009 19:57

Yanbu, but maybe you need to make the boundaries clearer. Our staff are absolutely not on any account to go into our bathroom or bedroom but we made that clear at the beginning as it would be unreasonable to expect them to know that without it being explained.

You can't assume everyone has the same boundaries, that would be unreasonable.

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/05/2009 20:01

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starkadder · 23/05/2009 20:02

YANBU.

But what was the book??? That's what I really want to know.

Quattrocento · 23/05/2009 20:02

Whenever we've had aupairs I thought they would go and have a root around tbh. Not that it was ever agreed or anything. Losing your privacy is part of the deal with aupairs.

stuffitlllama · 23/05/2009 20:08

ghastly isn't it shine but it's not like that not at all it

It doesn't have to be part of the deal. You just have to say "family only in these rooms". And that's that.

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/05/2009 21:36

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shockers · 23/05/2009 21:45

nvj... you might have already answered this one ( although I've had a good look and can't see it)... WHAT WAS THE BOOK!!
Do you think she's a secret MNetter who's read your post and that's why she's off with you?? She might see a night on MN as 'homework!! (no offence to any au pairs intended!)

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 21:58

you know the thought had crossed my mind shockers... maybe she has seen my posts on mumsnet
the book is twilight by stephenie meyer....

had an ok evening anyway and she seems to be ok now but no sign of book! lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 21:59

OP posts:

Millarkie · 23/05/2009 22:13

I was wondering if she was 'off' because she'd read this thread My AP is very aware of my MN addiction habit and I do worry at times.

blueshoes · 23/05/2009 22:19

Agree with quattro.

The aupair should not have gone into your room to retrieve a book behind your back. I would not do the same nor gone into her room had the shoe been on the other foot.

But the fact she actually went into my room would not particularly bother me per se. She does have to clean the whole house and that includes our bedroom. She is the only one in the house when she does the cleaning. She would have gone in there before.

I assume with all help, that they would probably have had a peek in the drawers and wardrobes.

That's the deal with cleaners and I would expect it with live-in aupairs.

SerendipitousHarlot · 23/05/2009 22:28

I fucking KNEW it was Twilight!

It's an obsession. She is in love with Edward. She knows not what she does.

MollieO · 23/05/2009 22:35

Does she know that she isn't allowed in your bedroom. You say you treat her as family. When I lived at home I would go into my parents bedroom when they weren't there and wouldn't expect to be told off or banned.

Quattrocento · 23/05/2009 22:38

'You just have to say "family only in these rooms".'

Ah. Therein lies the difference. See I've always undertaken to treat aupairs as a member of the family.

TheOtherMaryPoppinsDiets · 23/05/2009 22:48

YADNBU

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 23:20

MollieO - i'm sorry but when i was at home i wouldn't just go into my parents room and have a snoop around let alone take anything - no way!!! why would you want to?! so if you had your sister or your parents to stay at your house and they unpacked their stuff you'd then go and have a snoop around their room?!
If you had read all my posts you would see that i haven't said my room is not to be entered.. she has come in here to talk to me and when my kids are in herem but why should she need to come in our room?! if she really wanted the book back that badly then she should have just asked me earlier in the day, there was every opportunity.

blueshoes - no she doesn't clean the whole house at all, she only cleans the areas that she uses and my kids rooms. I have never asked to clean my room so there is no real reason that she has to come in here.

Serendipitousharlot - lol!! maybe that's what it is?! but don't give away too much . remember i'm only a third of the way through the book!!

OP posts:

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 23:23

and yes we do treat her as family, we include her in everything, we make sure she is well fed, we give her lifts and pick her up from places and we talk to her about her day, her aspirations etc etc... that as far as i'm concerned is treating her as family so :p

and QuattroCentro - what are you talking about - i've never said that?!

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 23/05/2009 23:26

No, not you - it was a piece of advice from Stuffit. Made me feel uncomfortable - the idea of having an ap but having rooms they were not allowed into.

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 23:29

no i would never do that either, our au pair can go into any room but just like i wouldn't go into her room without being invited i wouldn't expect her to just walk into our room. it's just a manners thing IMO just as I wouldn't walk around my best friend's or my parents bedroom without asking first!!

OP posts:

nannyL · 23/05/2009 23:32

ok im a nanny (not an au pair) but i have no problem going into my bosses bedroom (of for example i am looking for something which might be (and often actually is) there...

my bosses also have no problem with it and if i ask where something is they may say "on my bedside table" or might even call me and ask me to go into there room to look for something specific etc.

I really dont see the problem with the fact that she entered your room.....
if she entered your room and decided to snoop through your drawers that would be a different matter, but to go into your room and pick up HER book which was in an obviosue place IMO is NOT at all unreasonable.

I wouldnt take a job where i was banned from entering my bosses bedroom.... if they trust me to look after their children, then they should (and do) trust me to enter their room if for some reason i need to...

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 23:40

ok let me establish i haven't got a problem with my au pair going in my room when she is looking after my children or i have asked her to for some specific reason but there is no reason why she should need to go in there really as she has no jobs in there and my kids don't play in there.
secondly, she lent me the book to read and i was only a third of the way through it... if she had said to me i need it back by such and such a date or do you mind if i have it back cos i really want to read it again then fine go and get it but the fact is she didn't!!

nannyL - are you telling me that if you had lent your boss a book a week ago that you said she could read and then you fancied reading it again you would just go and take it from her bedside table even though it is obvious she is still reading it?!

OP posts:

6inchnipples · 24/05/2009 00:14

When i worked as a nanny i avoided going in the parents bedrooms as i felt it was an invasion on their privacy. I'm sure it would have been fine if essential but its just manners to repect that their bedroom is their own space.

I think you sound nice nvj and YANBU at all.

Hope you get the book back soon, maybe just say to her 'do you mind if i finish reading that when you are done with it(again!!), i didn't get a chance to finish it'.

RFV · 24/05/2009 00:35

I think we have exhausted this topic to death....its not really that interesting anyway.

stuffitlllama · 24/05/2009 04:55

I'm quite interested

Maybe it's different for au pairs then, but even members of my family have boundaries. A tap on the bedroom door before walking in and so on. Have to say though, even with an au pair I would feel no obligation to allow her into my bedroom and bathroom, none at all. Nor would I wander into her bedroom. Why? Even if she's cleaning the house, I would (I DO) clean my own bedroom and bathroom in order to retain a level of privacy.

I don't see anything wrong or unfriendly with this at all. And basically, you are employing them. It's perfectly respectful.

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