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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with my au pair for going into my room

97 replies

nvj · 22/05/2009 23:57

and getting a book off my bedside table that she had lent me, I'm in the middle of reading it and I come back from rare night out with my husband and she said i'm just borrowing this book back and then sat on the sofa reading it for 20 mins and has now gone to her room with it!
i was really looking forward to reading it and now am going to have to ask if i can borrow it again plus i am still a bit annoyed that she's gone in my room and taken it back! i'd never go in her room and take something even if it was mine!!!
sorry, feel better now that i've ranted!

OP posts:

FairLadyRantALot · 23/05/2009 09:27

but surely we all have the right of privacy....

turn it round:
Au Pair writes:
AIBU to think it is wrong that my Au Pair Family comes into my room whilst I am out, blablabla....

I think it is about respecting others basic need and right to have some privacy, and the personal bedroom should be it....

PuppyMonkey · 23/05/2009 09:37

I think if keeping my privacy like that was so very important to me, I would be thinking twice about the whole au pair route tbh.

FairLadyRantALot · 23/05/2009 09:46

why? Having an Au Pair should not mean you have to part with privacy completely? Surely...

Twims · 23/05/2009 09:46

I work as a nanny and although my boss trusts me with he rmost precious possessions (her children) I would not want to loose it by going into her bedroom to retrieve something even if it was mine.

I often do go in MB's room - to put her ironing upstairs, to chase the little one out of it, or to even bring the little one into see her if she calls out to us.

TBH I would speak to your aupair and just make sure that she knows that you didn't like her going into your room whilst you were out and to ask next time.

PuppyMonkey · 23/05/2009 09:56

Well take me for instance, I'd never have an au pair precisely because I'd be worried they'd be going in my bedroom and using my shampoo etc etc. But each to their own!

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 10:06

yes i agree you do lose a certain amount of privacy when you have an au pair but there has to be boundaries surely?

I've given our au pair loads of things to borrow - books, dvds, timetables etc but if i wanted one of them back i wouldn't just go in room when she was out and get it, i would wait and ask her for it... just manners surely?!
yes i know it's my house and i have every right to go in her room if i want but i just wouldn't. Same as if my mum or a friend was staying in the spare room, i wouldn't just go in there and take something i had lent them!!

PuppyMonkey - yeh there is a bit of that feeling initially but an au pair was the perfect choice for us financially and flexibility wise and to be honest it has mostly (90%) worked out really well having someone else living with us. It's hard though and would probably only recommend if the au pair has their own space inc own bathroom if poss! The experience is nearly over though and i wouldn't repeat in a hurry mainly due to the privacy issue!

OP posts:

junkcollector · 23/05/2009 10:38

YANBU. Even if I was staying at my parent's house (where I grew up) I wouldn't just walk into their room and take a book, even if it was mine. (Actually truthfully I probably would but I'd do it really secretively cos it isn't right, so YANBU either way)

DitaVonCheese · 23/05/2009 10:40

I've shared a flat with a friend of mine for most of a decade and I wouldn't go into her room even to get something of mine, and I wouldn't like her going into my room either. It's a private space. Also if someone took a book I was part-way through I'd be distraught!

YANBU

LolaTheShowgirl · 23/05/2009 10:47

Does she live in with you?

When I was a nanny I was always allowed in all of the parents rooms and can't imagine otherwise.

shockers · 23/05/2009 10:50

I agree with FairlLady... Why pick the evening you weren't in the house to get the book back? Especially as she had already read it. Sounds like a bit of an excuse for a shuftey round your room if you ask me. I don't get the post about buying the book if you can afford an au pair. If someone kindly offers to lend you a book that they've (apparently) finished with, it doesn't matter how rich you are!
Respect must be a two way street and whilst most of the house is access all areas, the resect you show your au pair but giving her privacy must be echoed in her behaviour.
Maybe you could say that you had left her birthday present on show because you didn't think she would go in and you hope she didn't see it... that would tactfully convey your expectations!

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 11:33

LolatheSHowgirl - yes she lives with us but does that mean she can just walk into my room whenever and help herself?! I wouldn't dream of walking into her room... when you were a nanny did your family just walk into your room when they felt like it?
of course she's 'allowed' in our room, it's not off limits as such and she comes in here sometimes when my kids are in here or if she needs to talk to me etc but i don't think it's right to come in here when we're out to be honest.

shockers - thanks for your post, her birthday was 2 mths ago so can't use that one but thanks anyway!!
in fact she has just come down for breakfast and is now reading said book at dining table! i can't bring myself to say anything.. i guess i'll just have to wait for her to finish it a second time! Bizarre if you ask me!?!

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 23/05/2009 12:43

Plenty of people like to read a book more than once, Thebolter. It doesn't mean anything other than you have enjoyed the book and want to read it again.

I was an au pair in Belgium many years ago and part of my job was to clean the whole house. I felt very awkward cleaning the parents bed and bathrooms even though I had permission to go in there. It is about bounderies and if you would prefer her to not go in your room, then you are within your rights to say so.

What book was it?

willowthewispa · 23/05/2009 12:51

Maybe you need to make it clear that your room is off limits? There's a bit of a blurred boundary between employee/family member with au pairs so maybe she didn't realise you'd have a problem with it?

I was an au pair and I went into the parent's bedroom - sometimes the children slept in there, or I needed to get towels or lanudry.

forehead · 23/05/2009 13:59

I think it was very rude of your au pair to enter your room without your knowledge. I would never dream of going into a room without cconsent. Not only did she take the book back she also had the cheek to read the thing. OP, You are obviously too accomodating and your au pair is taking advantage. When i was a student i was an au pair for a family.I lived with them for six months and never once entered my employer's room,even though i am sure they wouldn't mind me doing so. I would talk to your au pair and set out clear boundaries, but i would do this in a polite way.
I am surprised by many of the postings on this thread, who do not see how wrong the behaviour of the au pair was.I think the OP has been patient. If it had been me, i would have berated the au pair.

Millarkie · 23/05/2009 14:43

I wouldn't go into our au pair's room without good reason (the main fusebox is in there, so might have to go in an emergency) and certainly would not like to think that she would go into my room unless I'd asked her to...just as I wouldn't expect my own children to go into my room without good reason. so YANBU.

icedgemsrock · 23/05/2009 16:10

i don't understand what is so special and secretive about a bedroom !
It's just a room fgs.

StealthPolarBear · 23/05/2009 16:26

DO people really lend other people stuff on the understanding that they can take it back without asking at any point? Don't think I'll be borrowing anything in the future!
icedgemsrock, my bedroom is 'special' because it is precisely where I assume people won't go without being invited, so I shove all the junk in there when people are round MIL looks after DS once a week, I;d hate to have to tidy up in there as well in case she felt like having a nosey!

SugarBird · 23/05/2009 16:26

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your bedroom is your own personal space and if that's the understanding between you and your au pair, then she should have asked before going in to get the book. Or just asked for the book when you were around.

Re: the book - I would be pissed off if a friend had lent me a book that I was halfway through and enjoying and then they just took it back before I'd finished. If you lend someone a book to read, surely it's on the understanding that they're allowed to actually read it! Especially as you'd only had it for a week.

I read loads of books more than once but wouldn't reclaim one I'd loaned out until the recipient had read it.

YANBU on either count.

Podrick · 23/05/2009 16:26

YANBU but now you need to make it clear, in a nice way, to your au pair that your room is off limits. Perhaps she was brought up with different social norms?

StealthPolarBear · 23/05/2009 16:27

Go into her room, have a wander round. Personally I think that would be an invasion of her privacy, but apprently not!

SugarBird · 23/05/2009 16:37

nvj I would have been extremely annoyed if it had been me and I'm surprised at how many people think it was OK both to go into your room when you weren't there and to take the book you were in the middle of reading. Agree with StealthPolarBear!

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/05/2009 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 19:00

thanks guys, at least now i now i'm not being unreasonable! i think it's just a manners thing, maybe it's ok to just lend someone a book and then take it from them halfway through reading it in her country!
to those of you who have said it's ok, imagine i'd lent her a dvd (which i do many times) and she'd only watched half of it and then i decided to take it back cos i wanted to watch it again so i go into her room and take it back when she's out - do you think that's ok??! same thing isn't it?
anyway..... have had a lovely day with my family but turns out today that she's being off with me.... don't know what the hell is going on, think she might be getting bored/ready to go home.....
texted her earlier to ask whether she wanted dinner tonight and she texted back to say she didn't know what time she would be home! mmm. that's helpful!

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 23/05/2009 19:03

See, I do get the feeling it is the book thing rather than the bedrrom thing that's irritating you.

Anyway, I do wonder if she is miffed with ytou for another reason, and was making a point in some way.

Original poster

nvj · 23/05/2009 19:32

to be honest it's both things that have annoyed me fallenmadonna not just one or the other! even if the book had been downstairs it would have annoyed me as i was obviously in the middle of reading it - why shouldn't i be annoyed?!
no she's not miffed with me, we get on fine and had a laugh the other night over glass of wine and desperate housewives... who knows.. probably just bored with being an au pair to be honest, and i don't blame her! but i do think she could have been a bit more thoughtful over the whole thing... never mind i'm prepared to forget it all now....

OP posts:

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