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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son was so, so rude today

69 replies

junglist1 · 21/05/2009 19:43

I'm posting here because I feel like I need some straight talking, and I deserve it. Me and DC's went to a friends after school and my 6 year old was being really hyper and rude, stuck up his middle finger at hosts, and called one of the adults ugly when they told him off. I'm so embarrased and feel like a shit parent. Sometimes he's so seet but every now and then he goes off on one, and is so disrespectful. My older child isn't like this. It's because I'm in an abusive relationship isn't it .

OP posts:
Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 19:44

Not seet sweet

OP posts:
Morloth · 21/05/2009 19:46

Well if you are in an abusive relationship then by extension your DS is as well.

He is learning how to behave from a man who is clearly not up to the job.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/05/2009 19:46

I don't know - is it? Does your H behave like this to you or other people round him?

What did you do to punish him?

Goober · 21/05/2009 19:47

Are you for real?

RedCharityBonney · 21/05/2009 19:48

Could be trauma, could be less-than-effective parenting, could be a 'condition', could just be a bit of acting up. I don't think we can tell from here.

When i was about 8 I told my friend's brother to "fuck off" and got in immense amounts of trouble. I didn't turn delinquent or anything though.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/05/2009 19:48

Why wouldn't she be for real?

thisisyesterday · 21/05/2009 19:48

junglist, children do tend to learn behaviours, so if he is seeing your partner behave like this then he may be copying it.

what I would worry about more is not just the copying behaviour, but that it's indicative of another unrest. he is probably not doing it just to be horrid, but because it's a way of expressing how he is feeling inside.

you aren't a shit parent. otherwise you wouldn't care about it enough to post here

wotulookinat · 21/05/2009 19:49

how did you deal with his behaviour?

RedCharityBonney · 21/05/2009 19:50

Chat with school, see if they notice problems. Maybe get ed psychs involved and behaviour plans etc (if needs be).

Maybe ditch your abusive partner and have a nice life instead?

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 19:50

My P calls me all the names under the sun sometimes, then I'm trying to defend myself against him, instead of focusing my attention where it's needed, for example if DS is playing up, I might not notice? I don't know. For punishment he didn't get ice cream and the others did.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 21/05/2009 19:51

Well junglist1, how did you deal with your DS's rude behaviour?

What kind of role models does he have? If he constantly witnesses disrespectful and rude behaviour at home then of course he is going to copy it. If your DS is witnessing the abusive relationhip you're in then he is in it too, and suffering too. Poor thing.

What are you going to do about it?

cory · 21/05/2009 19:51

I think if this were my child I would take him straight home after the first incidence of rudeness to his hosts (apologising profusely as I dragged him out of the door).

It is hard for him in an abusive relationship, but you still have to provide the security of letting him know that you will keep him safe from getting into trouble,

wotulookinat · 21/05/2009 19:52

Overmydeadbody has hit the nail on the head - your DS is seeing your DH treat you with utter disrespect and thinks that is acceptable.
You need to do something about the role models you provide for your DS.

RedCharityBonney · 21/05/2009 19:52

Cory, same here. And straight to bed.

thisisyesterday · 21/05/2009 19:54

forget about the punishments and focus on WHY he might have behaved like that.

i doubt he did it because he just felt like it, or because he is "naughty" or has any kind of psychological problem.
I would think it's more to do with something upsetting him and him being unable to deal with it, and it externalising like this (possibly because this is how he sees other people react when upset?)

the thing you need to ask yourself is not "how can I stop him from doing this", but "WHY is he doing this, and how can I help him?"

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 19:55

My plans for this "relationship" are to leave as soon as I've finished my degree, and have the opportunity of getting a good enough job to support us. I'm under no illusions here. I just haven't got anywhere else to go right now.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 21/05/2009 19:56

hmmmmm

well, personally I don't think that punishment will work. It's not directly related to the 'crime' as you say. It's not a direct consequence. Did he care? Was he apologetic and sorry?

If he witnesses his dad calling you all the names under the sun and getting away with it then no wonder he is rude.

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 19:56

Analysing it now he got very defensive when told off. Exactly because this is how I am when the bastard kicks off.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 21/05/2009 19:57

junglist, how far away is that?
I am sure there are places that can help you, but it's not my specialist subject i'm afraid. you shouldn't have to stay until you can afford to leave

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 19:59

I've got a year of degree left. Can't bloody wait.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 21/05/2009 20:00

How long bfore the degree ends? I think your DC deserve better than this. What will they be like if you continue to put them through all this? I've been there, I know! I got out before too much damage to my DC was done...

Mamazon · 21/05/2009 20:01

I don;t know your back story but yes. i would bank quite a fair bit of money that the way he is speaking is because he has seen adults behaving like it. if the people is is told to look up to do not show each other respect then thats what he learns.

but its not too late.

DS was 4 when we left my x. He was awful when he was angry or upset. the things he would say would make a sailor blush.

thankfully since he has beenf ree from that environment he has improved. he still comes out with some beauties but they are very much a slip of the tongue when very angry.

you don't need us to tell you what to do, your child is!

Overmydeadbody · 21/05/2009 20:01

You need to get out of this relationship now, not wait another year.

For your DS's sake, if no one else's.

thisisyesterday · 21/05/2009 20:03

agree, you need to get out asap. a year is a long time junglist.

as I say, I can't help with the intricacies of leaving and what you'd be entitled to, but I am 100% sure that it can be done

Overmydeadbody · 21/05/2009 20:03

agree wholeheartedly with Mamazon.

If you care about your son, don't wait another year.

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