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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son was so, so rude today

69 replies

junglist1 · 21/05/2009 19:43

I'm posting here because I feel like I need some straight talking, and I deserve it. Me and DC's went to a friends after school and my 6 year old was being really hyper and rude, stuck up his middle finger at hosts, and called one of the adults ugly when they told him off. I'm so embarrased and feel like a shit parent. Sometimes he's so seet but every now and then he goes off on one, and is so disrespectful. My older child isn't like this. It's because I'm in an abusive relationship isn't it .

OP posts:
Morloth · 21/05/2009 20:03

A year? You are willing to let this continue happening to your DC for year?

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 20:06

They definetely deserve better. I've managed to stop the physical violence by getting tough, haven't been slapped for 2 years now. I told him if he touched me again I'd go straight to police, and he's too scared to face those consequences. He's improved a bit because he knows I'm not going to need him anymore soon, but he still abuses me by playing games with my head, telling me I'll never hold a job because I'm too lazy etc, hoping I'll lose confidence. He'll be hoping a bloody long time.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 21/05/2009 20:07

but junglist, this is obv still affecting your kids.
it isn't just that they're copying behaviour they've seen. it's that they are being upset by this and that is how they are expressing it.

you can't only look at how they express themselves, you need to look at what they're trying to tell you too. which could well be that they're unhappy?

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 20:08

Bollocks to everything I just said. I'm still walking on eggshells. Improvement doesn't mean shit, he's just biding his time.

OP posts:
Latootle · 21/05/2009 20:09

junglist1 is it not at all possible to go to parents surely they would help out in this situation?. if not you must have word with your partner to try and behave decently in front of the children. They do copy and they do see far more than we give credit for. Have you tried to talk to your son to find out where he is "copying " his behaviour from?

good luck

thisisyesterday · 21/05/2009 20:10

junglist, why not start another thread and find out what you could do to leave this relationship?
there is financial support available to you, i know that.
I presume you would be a priority for housing tyoo, but don't know much about that.
you can do this

Morloth · 21/05/2009 20:11

There are other options junglist1 - they might suck but surely they are better than this?

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 20:13

Parents don't want us at their house. And the problem is, I pay rent myself and aren't entitled to benefits unless I give up my course, so I need his share of rent every month. Thanks ladies, most of my friends are in similar situations so I get understanding but no reality, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 21/05/2009 20:14

jung, have you looked at the relationship board? there is so much help and advice for you there.

you don't have to wait a year. really you don't.

thisisyesterday · 21/05/2009 20:15

well then put your course on hold for a year while you sort yourself out.

Morloth · 21/05/2009 20:15

Then (as harsh as this is going to sound, and I am sure to get my arse handed to me for it). You are selling your children's happiness for the price of half the rent. Is it worth it?

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 20:16

I wanted a good old fashioned AIBU butt kicking, TBH!

OP posts:
Mamazon · 21/05/2009 20:16

what is your current housing situation? council? private? owned? who is named on the tenancy/mortgage?

waiting until you finish your degree means nothing. when you finish you will be waiting until you get a job. then until your established. then you wont be able to leave because you'll upset your job. there will always be some reason for you not to leave.

your son has given you a wake up call. take it. or would you be happy for his future girlfriends to live in fear of him because he has learned that that is how you treat women.

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 20:17

Keep it up. I want to hear it.

OP posts:
Morloth · 21/05/2009 20:17

Why? Everyone on here is going to tell you to do what you know you have to. What do you want us to say?

Original poster
junglist1 · 21/05/2009 20:20

We are in private rented at the mo. If I have to go on full housing benefit and income support I will. If a job doesn't come straight away that'll be the only option.

OP posts:
Mamazon · 21/05/2009 20:21

you don't need to give up your course. if you leave you will be a single parent and will be entitled to a certain amount of housing benefit.

but at the end of the day you are placing your course and degree as more important than your children.

if you want the harsh truth you need to wake up and start putting yoru kids first. yes your degree will be of a help to them in the future but teh enagative impact of thsi relationship will far outweigh any good your future job will do.

deffer your final year, get out and get your kids safe and settled then go back to finish in a year or two.

your being selfish and as a mother you simply cannot do that

Noonki · 21/05/2009 20:23

well if you want one here goes:

you know that you are hurting your child by staying.

nothing will get better in the next year to make it any easier to leave

the situation will only get harder.

Your DC are more likely to have long term psychological damage the longer you stay.

A woman a week is murder by her partner.

it takes an average of 35 violent incidents before a woman calls the police for the first time

The children involved in abusive realtionships are more likely to be killed than any other children. they are also more likely to be abused as adults and abuse others. They are more likely to end up in care. They do worse at school an d are more likely to have psychological problems in adulthood

I could continue.

There are many options open to you, they may seem to difficult to do but they are all better for you and your children.

(was the sort of butt kicking you wanted?)

you are therefore indangering your and your childs life

RedCharityBonney · 21/05/2009 20:23

You want to hear it but you're not doing anything about it? It's odd. Why do you want us to kick your butt? Why do feel you need punishing? Do you not see anything odd in this at all?

slushy06 · 21/05/2009 20:24

why can't you get housing benefit while doing a degree my mum is a single mum my sister is 8 and my mum gets extra money given to her because she has gone back to gain qualifications. She can only work part time until my sis is older and she gets more money for studying than she would for working part time. We went into a womens refuge when I was a teenager and they sorted all my mums money out for her got her a new house away from my dad and she was given funding for new furniture. There were many women there studying various courses and getting money for rent.

mumonthenet · 21/05/2009 20:24

You should defer your final year. Depending on the course you're doing you may even be able to get a job based on the part you've done. Can you convert it into a foundation degree?

Think outside the box.

Overmydeadbody · 21/05/2009 20:25

You need to put your children first.

At the moment you are selfishly giving up their happiness for the sake of half the rent. You are living with a man just so he can pay the rent?!

For fucks sake woman. I am not going to be sympathetic while you moan on here and do nothing to actually better your situation.

Loads of women do it. Leave him. For God's Sake.

Mamazon · 21/05/2009 20:26

your options are either getting a court order to force him to move out, renting somewhere else and moving out or take yourself to a refuge.

the court order is simple enough but will cost you £70. you just go to the local county court and complete a form, sit in front of a judge and explain whats happened and why you need him removed from teh house.

if you go to a refuge you are only able to stay for 6 months. in that time you will regsiter as homeless with the local authority of your choice. the refuge staff will help with this. the authority have a duty of care to you as you have children. they WILL house you within teh 6 months, even if it is in temporary housing. (im just about to move out of temporary housing. i've been in my nice 3 bed house with huge garden for 3 years)
your rent will be about half of that of private renting.

If you rent privatly you will need to get a deposit together and organise all of this without your P finding out what your up to.

purpleduck · 21/05/2009 20:27

But won't you get more in terms of study grants etc?
(if you continue with your course)

slushy06 · 21/05/2009 20:29

There is help out there if you want it and you can continue your degree. But you have to want to leave him.

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