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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off that sil set up a meeting between our ds and estranged gp's behind our back

23 replies

mum2samandalex · 17/05/2009 09:09

mil cut ties with us 4 years ago even our son who was 1 at the time after a fall out. Since then weve had the odd card for ds1 but shes never apologised or taken it back. She made no effort with ds2 whos 1 year not a hello, card or present nothing. Weve not really spoke in 4 years although have crossed paths at family get togethers. However dh and her have yet to make amends.

Sil looked after ds1 for the first time and pils happened to pop around 30mins after the agrees time we dropped him off. Dh only knew they were coming around because he was late dropping ds around coincidence????

Then sil was called them nan and grandad-these are people who are strangers to him whoo chose not to be apart of his life our lives in fact. Why cant they just ask us??? Ive said before 6mths after we fell out she didnt have to cut ties wuth the kids and she said she would come around and see him but never bothered.

Dh thinks its a conincidence that they popped around but i dont.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 17/05/2009 09:12

Your SIL should not have done this without asking you. Of course it isn't coincidence (your DH sounds incredibly naïve).

It sounds as if your family might need a bit of family therapy to understand what is going on...

pottycock · 17/05/2009 09:15

That is bang out of order imo.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 17/05/2009 09:15

im more miffed that for 4 years theyve let this go and theyve obviuosly wanted to see him but did nothing. Their pride was more imported. I extended a olive branch and they never took it. So what do i have to do beg them to see our children or turn a blind eye and alow my sil's to set up meetings behind our back so mil saves face. This isnt about being spiteful against her or us stopping her seeing them this is us protecting our children. She cant just cut ties with people when things dont go her way.I know how manipulative she can be and i dont trust her. Surely she should make the first move if they are really that important to her?

OP posts:

l39 · 17/05/2009 09:18

It doesn't sound like a coincidence, and you're not unreasonable at all. You made the offer for the grandparents to see your son, they did nothing. Now they're going behind your back? They are totally in the wrong.

frumpygrumpy · 17/05/2009 09:28

Pesonally, I would be so angry and I wouldn't have SIL babysit again. Its not her business to become involved.

SammyK · 17/05/2009 09:34

I also would not have SIL babysit again, even if she were my only option - would rather pay someone from sitters. It is not a coincidence and she has totally betrayed your trust.

If your MIL is to see your DCS it should be with your or your DH present. Can't believe they now have a 'nan' and 'grandad'announced to them! Your eldest must have been confused!

chocolateismyonlyweakness · 17/05/2009 09:47

Tricky one .... your mil sounds like she always has to be the person in the right and doesn't apologise.

As Frumpygrumpy says, you could go down the route of not asking sil to babysit again.

Your mil did say she would come round to see your dc, but for some reason she can't bring herself to do this. I have an idea that you could contact her and say "I know you've seen my ds, if you'd like to continue seeing them, maybe we could meet somewhere?" That way you would be there, and seeing them on neutral ground may be a way of building bridges. She will probably never apoligise. But of course, that's only if you want your dc to have a relationship with them.

Overmydeadbody · 17/05/2009 10:01

YANBU

I would be livid

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 17/05/2009 10:29

your right she is the type of person never to apologise and never will.And to be honest im not sure if i want her to have a relationship with them purely because she is controlling and manipulativeetc but then they are dcs grandparents. Im pissed off that if they do care and want to see them that theyve gone behind out back. Also livid with dh as he thinks it was a one off.But was stood there whilst sil was calling them nanna and greatdad.

Its been hurtful that they havent made contact with them especially seeing as she hasnt even bothered to see ds2 since hes been born. And its hurtful and infuriating that theyve gone behind our back. Its stirs up all the old emotions as to why we fell out in the first place.

OP posts:

katiestar · 17/05/2009 18:18

It may well have been a coincidence.Parents dropping in on their daughter does not sound unusual to me .I see my parents nearly every day ! Am a bit confused what you think your SIL shoulkd have called them ?
Why couldn't your DC continue to see your SILs at her house ? Don't let your or their pride stand in the way of them having a relationship with their grandkids.It is not fair your DC should have to miss out.

AnguaVonUberwald · 17/05/2009 18:26

I would also want them only to see your PIL with you present, if she is so manipulative, you don't know what she might say to them!

SalBySea · 17/05/2009 18:29

I would be furious! SIL would not be babysitting again!

katiestar presumably they have first names which they could have been called by

slowreadingprogress · 17/05/2009 18:39

I agree with Katie that your children could get something really positive from this if you and their grandparents are able to rise above the dispute that after all was absolutely nothing to do with them.

Why not suggest to your SIL that the children could meet the GPs there now and again.

Your DH can drop off/pick up, if he's able to keep it civilised and nothing to do with the adult's issues

Grandparents can be such a special thing for kids, this at least deserves a go IMO

If they muck it up, then at least you can have total peace of mind that you went the extra mile for your children

SmileyMylee · 17/05/2009 20:02

I agree with slowreadingprocess and chocolateismyonlyweakness. Mykids don't have grandparents and I would love them to have this relationship. Just rise above your MIL's pettiness and try to encourage a relationship on neutral ground if possible and preferably with you present.

Make this about the kids and not you, your DH or PIL.

SalBySea · 17/05/2009 20:27

when the grandparent thing is good it is a wonderful thing

but not all grandparents are good grandparents

just because these people gave birth to one of the OPs children's parents does not mean they will necessarily conform to the lovely grandparent thing!

These people have put everyone in a crappy position by sneaking around with the kids - how positive would their presents in the kids lives really be if that is the way they behave?

SalBySea · 17/05/2009 20:28

presence not presents!
presents are almost always good!

mrsjammi · 17/05/2009 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SalBySea · 17/05/2009 20:32

other than teach them to sneak around behind their parents back and go against their parents' wishes that is!!

cory · 17/05/2009 20:35

would she have to apologise in order for you to let her see her grandchild?

because some people just find that incredibly difficult

thinking about it from a child's perspective: my mum and her MIL did not get on at all

my Gran could never see when she was in the wrong, so I very much doubt that she would have given in if my Mum had pushed for an apology

but if my Mum had let that stop contact, then I would have resented it

SoupDragon · 17/05/2009 20:36

without knowing why ties were cut it is impossible to know if YABU or not.

RedCharityBonney · 17/05/2009 20:49

YANBU, I think. I can see that it might be a tricky situation for SIL though if her mum and dad pressured her in any way. (If, indeed, it wasn't a coincidence.)

You must have known that your boys bumping into their GPs would be a possibility when you arrange for her to baby sit at her own house?

What did they DO??

Servalan · 17/05/2009 22:12

If it wasn't a coincidence (suppose it's possible...) then YANBU at all! That's bloody outrageous of your SIL!!!

If she was being pressured by your MIL, surely the thing to do would have been to speak to you and your DH about it and try to set something up acting like an intermediary, rather than going behind both of your backs.

She shouldn't be making decisions like that about your children without consulting you. I would be furious and she certainly wouldn't be babysitting again.

Weegiemum · 17/05/2009 22:26

YANBU. I'd be fuming.

For many and various reasons I don't talk to my mother. If is discovered one of my sibs was even passing on info about me (which I have asked them not to do) I would be livid. None of them would ever facilitate my children seeing my mother.

Grandparents can be great (my kids have several varieties of other Grandparent figures) but they do not have an automatic right to see grandchildren. If your parents or inlaws are too toxic, you have every right to insist that this does not happen. If I were you, SIL would not be babysitting for you again.

Agree it was not a coincidence. Your dh is accepting and naive, no?

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