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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

in being a bit miffed when i post a long and personal post .....

101 replies

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 09:50

and then MNHQ come along and delete it.

It took me ages to type it all out in a non emotional way and to try and put across my point whilst giving my own backgrund and grounds for my opinion.

it wasn't the most pleasant thing to do but i thought it may have been of benefit to the OP.

just gone and seen that its been deleted.

AIBU to be a bit gutted that i wasted the enegery. i wish if a thread got deleted it still showed up for a short time in our Threads im on. at leastthat way we could save the messages somewhere.

OP posts:

lowenergylightbulb · 11/05/2009 11:01

I'm not judging, but I'm confused. DWP had loads of support last year with regard to her husband, and it seemed like she'd made the break. Even a couple of months ago in March she was referring to him as the exH and spoke as if he lived apart from her.

Now 2 months later they are husband and wife again and it's all down the shitter again, apparently.

Mr Head, meet Mr Brick Wall.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 11:02

He does, he has his own flat. It's shit.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 11/05/2009 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

theBFG · 11/05/2009 11:11

So what's changed? You have been getting support on here for the past two years and still you keep doing your own thing.

Are you getting something out of the drama?

Original poster

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 11:14

come on now ladies.

DWP has admited that there are issues in her relationship, she acknowledges that she should leave but for her own reasons can't.

i really dont see how making her feel guilty because you have offered advise that she has not jumped striaght to, will help.

life isn't black and white.

OP posts:

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/05/2009 11:16

DWP, let me see if i understand this.

You and EXH have split up, he has his own flat but you are letting him sleep at yours?

If this is the case i i can understand

After years of physical and mental abuse your confidence will be low, you will feel like it is never going to be any better so why does it matter if he stays...well it does matter everytime you let him stay you are telling him "I need you and I cannot cope without you"

BUT you can and will.

Letting him stay is not and will not do DC any good at all, it will do them more harm than good.

If you can't make the final break for yourself you need to make it for your dc. You are giveing them the message that it is ok for women to sit back and take the abuse time and again and if you have ds's you are letting them learn that as males they have the upper hand and can dictate to a woman.

Please take a step back look at the situation and get the hell out of it.

junglist1 · 11/05/2009 11:25

I agree the break needs to be made permanently DWP, you and DC's deserve better!! I appreciate it's hard for you though, and not as clear cut as it may sound. The dynamics of abusive relationships are very very different to the norm, and some abused women do go back and forth a few times, BUT the break will be made! Good luck

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/05/2009 11:29

I know how hard it is, when ex and i split up I felt worthless because of the mental and physical abuse not to mention the emotional abuse. I let him come and stay a few days here and there...then something inside of me snapped and i had to get rid of him once and for all. Did me the world of good and ds1 was a better person for it!

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 11/05/2009 11:33

DWP.....dunno if you do hugs but just a ((((((())))))).

It is possible to get 'addicted' to bad treatment. Not through choice but through conditioning over an extended period and the person that you become loses the capability to make rational, and apparently logical decisions that may seem so obvious to others.

Guilt about DC's is part and parcel of it, but there is no shame to be felt. Finding that place in yourself to move on to something better takes courage that you will find. The line you draw may be one of the hardest things you do, keeping it harder but one day, somewhere down the road, you and your DC's will have the future you know in your heart you deserve, and hopefully someday soon will find the strength to fight for. Maybe focussing on that dream will give you something to believe in. Something that gives you a reason to make the changes.

I hope, with all my heart that someday I read posts from you that are from a place that you have moved on to, that isn't dogged by fear, helplessness and insecurity.

You may mourn the loss of the relationship you wanted it to be, and that is OK, then it will be time to let go and move on.

Original poster

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 12:32

By fattiemumma on Wed 10-May-06 23:17:16
hi sorry if i droan on a bit but i need a couple of monutes to just think about something else.
I had 6 years of extreme violence and sexual abuse from my XP. he is now taking me to court over access to the children and i am trying to stop all contact. there is now to be a fact finding hearing and i have to write a statement.
i have put it off for as long as i can because i just couldnt face having to think about everything that he has done.

its hard for people to understand why i cant just write it all down in order to get hi out of my life for good, but its just not that easy.
I hid what was going on for such a long time just speaking about it openly is difficult. but to sit and write it all down so that its in black and white is just so distressing.

having to remember as many incidents as i can, remembering what was said, how and when he hit me, what he did in order to force himself on me. its the worst thing i have ever had to do and quite frankly on more than one occasion tonight i have wanted to just stop and give in.
I am always asked why i never went to the police about the rapes. my answer has always been becasue it wouyld have been my word against his and i just couldnt cope with being told im lying by somesnotty lawyer...and here i am facing that very prospect.
i cannot beleive he is such a coward he is actually denying everything he has done to me and the children. he never directly hurt the children per se but DS (5) was always there and witnessed far more than he should. he is now left with severe behavioural problems which i beleive are caused by what he has seen.
XP would scream at him that he was not his dad, your slag of a mother will get you a new one. dont try and protect her she's a slag she will have a new bloke in here soon and she'll get rid of you......he was left cowering in teh corner terrified. i am in tears just remembering some of the things that have happened and i am only just about into the 2nd year.
i dont think i can keep going. the amazing thing is that he still phones me to ask em to take him back! and yet he will sit there in court and tel me i am making all this up! there was one time that he raped me and i ended up pregnant ( i know it was from that time as he was not living with me at the time and i certainly wasnt having sex with anyone else) the baby was ectopic ....this sounds awfull but i was almost glad as i just couldnt face the thought of being prgenant around him again and i did not want to be pregnant like that.

i was booked in to terminate the pregnancy the following day. he came round and when i told him it was ectopic he didnt beleive me. he beat me up and punched me in teh stomach. i felt sick and went to the toilet to throw up...he follwed me in and as i was being sick he said " well is it dead then? have i killed the bastard?" this is the man that the courts want me to allow near my kids once a fortnight?
i know i ned to getthis done to have any chance of getting him out of our lives but its just so hard. sorry. i just needed to have a bit of a moan and its so much easier just typing it all into cyberspace than speaking to someone in the flesh about it.

i was trying to find one of my other old posts but found this instead.

it still upstes me now, reading it back.
im posting it because i want you to see the difference a couple of years can make.

I now have a wonderfull lovely Dp who my children and i adore. i am blissfully happy with him and he does everything he can to make me happy.
My Ds' behaviour problems have eased because he is no longer surrounded by such agression.
my life is back on track and i am back to the happy bubbly strong person i was before him.

Life now is shit and you can't see how it will ever get batter, but it will. i promise.
you just need to take that first step

OP posts:

MNHQ

JustineMumsnet · 11/05/2009 14:31

Hi Mamazon - we deleted the thread in question at the request of the OP because of concerns she raised about her personal safety. We do tend to delete on request on these grounds for obvious reasons.

As a rule, though, we don't just delete threads because the OP wants us to, for the very reason you outline - namely it's really annoying for those who've taken the trouble to respond and often their advice/thoughts are useful to others.

Hope that explains why your words went up into the ether. (ps if you have any questions/concerns about what we're up to here at MNHQ always best to raise them in site stuff which we monitor a bit more closely than other threads)

Thanks,
MNHQ

Original poster

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 14:52

no, honestly i realised why you deleted the thread and i have no issue with that really.

it was more a moan than an actual request for you not to do it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/05/2009 17:22

mamazon, I had no idea you were fattiemumma

cripes, I do admire you

(smashing norks and pretty face too )

Original poster

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 17:40

your the second person today thats been shocked i was Fm.
Didn't realise it wasn't common knowledge

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 11/05/2009 17:52

TDWP- just checking in to offer my support and love. I missed your thread yesterday- now I'm worried about your injury you mentioned yesterday? And the one before my DP's show? You sound in a bad way- I wish you could talk to me. Anyway, you know where I am

Original poster

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 17:55

Same here DWP. I've emailed you so you cancontact me via that but if you want i can give you my mobile number. Like i've said, ive been there myself and wont judge you.
but if you want someone to just listen and tell you what you already know im more than willing

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 11/05/2009 17:57

< gives Mamazon a companionable squeeze >

Original poster

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 18:08

OP posts:

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 19:19

Thankyoou loads for everyone offering support, I've had a bit of a wake up call this afternoon and hope it's not just another I'll forget about.

I won't post anymore on here, at least not with this name.

Original poster

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 19:22

whilst im glad you seem to have made some decisions i hope its not the sort of wake up call that is usual for this type of relationship. [worried]

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 11/05/2009 19:24

it would be a shame to lose your support network, dwp. if you CAT a few people your new name i'm sure you won't.

BernardsCat · 11/05/2009 19:26

oi aitch
i emailed you yest about aslan

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 19:27

mamazon I've emailed you.

I plan to ring BoF once the kids are settled

Horton · 11/05/2009 19:30

Hope you're okay, TDWP. I don't really 'know' you (have lurked on some threads where you were talking about stuff in the past) but it sounds like you are in a horrible place. Hope you can get out soon.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 19:35

Oh and the wake up call is nothing to worry about, just some cold hard words from someone I trust,

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