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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

in being a bit miffed when i post a long and personal post .....

101 replies

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 09:50

and then MNHQ come along and delete it.

It took me ages to type it all out in a non emotional way and to try and put across my point whilst giving my own backgrund and grounds for my opinion.

it wasn't the most pleasant thing to do but i thought it may have been of benefit to the OP.

just gone and seen that its been deleted.

AIBU to be a bit gutted that i wasted the enegery. i wish if a thread got deleted it still showed up for a short time in our Threads im on. at leastthat way we could save the messages somewhere.

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 11/05/2009 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 10:15

Reality I also had most of the same photos on both profiles, so it was obvious if you were nosy.

I don't have a clue what to do, he was away with work all last week and is going away again. He had an opportunity to move to New York but I told him not to for the DC's sake. I somewhat regret it now.

I'm not sure what it will take for me to make the proper clean break.

Original poster
Mamazon · 11/05/2009 10:18

maybe if he breaks a bone, or hits one of the dc's?

just sit and think about what your childrens face will look like when they walk in one morning to you battered and bruised with broken nose/arm/leg.

I know its not easy. it took me 7 years.
Only you will know when the time is right for you. and lets face it, until that time comes it doesn't matter what anyone tells you. youknow you should leave. but you can't. you will have a thousand reasons why you can't that swim around your head. and until your ready they will always win.

but you must understand why some people could get frustrated that you just can't seem to see what they see.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 11/05/2009 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 10:21

Oh I know Mamazon, this is why no one knows he's been staying, not my mum, not my best friend. I can barely even admit it to myself.

I need to draw a line, maybe a good first step would be sending a man with a van over to his house with all his bits and pieces that are still here?

I had to buy theatre makeup as I had a big meeting last week and couldn't go with the bruise on my face, that should say it all really.

memoo · 11/05/2009 10:21

I don't know the full story here but think DWP that you will reach a point where something just clicks in your head and you will find the strenth to leave this man.

Please listen to all the advice you are being given but it has to come from you, you have to want to make the break.

mrspnut · 11/05/2009 10:24

Mamazon, I'd been trying to post on that thread too and thought there was something wrong with my computer. I thought your post was really good and I admire you.

I shall just post it here instead.

Call Women's Aid, they will listen to you, they will believe and support you and they will help you to come to the best solution for you.

They won't tell you what to do and they won't judge you at all, in fact some of our workers and many of our volunteers have been in the same situation you're in now.

MadameCastafiore · 11/05/2009 10:25

Wait unti you hear 'Daddy, please don't hit mummy' - that is when you realise who is really being damaged by your relationship - when DD at 2.5 said that I realised I could put up with the damage being done to me but as her mother I had to protect DD.

CountessDracula · 11/05/2009 10:25

He hit you and you are letting him stay in your house

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 10:27

It's not the first time CD, that is why we are getting divorced. But it's so hard to just let go.

Thanks all for your advice, I can't talk to anyone in RL about this, I'm too ashamed.

I'll try womensaid.

wtf is wrong with me? I'm so strong and determined in every other thing I do.

daftpunk · 11/05/2009 10:27

tdwp....very sorry this is going on (had no idea)..CAT me if you ever need any help...we don't live too far from each other.

AitchTwoOh · 11/05/2009 10:28

is there a part of you that enjoys the drama, though, dwp? you know he's reading this right now... what does he think of the fact that you post here and everyone tells you to leave him? is all this just designed to be a shot across his bows?

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/05/2009 10:28

DWP - I feel for you. FWIW I w as with DP for 8 looong years, the last 4 of which were when I was trying to leave. He was a control freak, I left 3 times and always went crawling back. We even got engaged in this time. All the time I knew that it was going nowhere but I was so ground down by it all that even when I summoned up the strength to leave him on those occasions, I felt too stupid and weak to be able to get through without him.

In the end though something just cracked, I told him I was leaving and moved out (yeah, yeah, he probably though) cut all ties and communication (though he followed me around a bit, hassled my mum and dd etc) and in the end moved 150 miles away.

You will know deep down it is wrong. But for gods sake please don't do what I did - I really regret tooing and froing with dd all that time, how awful for her it must have been, and for god's sake I wasted the best part of my twenties feeling beleaguered and full of self loathing. If I had my time again etc etc. Don't waste any more time on something which you probably know deep down inside you is a complete and utter waste of your life.

MadameCastafiore · 11/05/2009 10:30

Look at your DCs and think what the hell you will say to them when they come home battered and bruised after their partners have beaten them. How will you be able to say it is wrong?

And think what you would do and how you would feel if a stranger in the street did what DH does to you - you would be appalled, you would ring the police and press charges. Now remember your DH is supposed to love and respect you - he is not a stranger - he respects you less than a stranger in the street and you are sharing a bed with him???????????????????????????

Overmydeadbody · 11/05/2009 10:30

That does say it all.

For goodness sake DWP do what you know you have to do.

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/05/2009 10:31

Madame, ds1 was 22m old when he said the same thing to his father. "Daddy don't hit mummy hit me"
the very next morning he was gone. Sadly ds1 now 10 still remembers....

CountessDracula · 11/05/2009 10:32

Has he coerced you into letting him stay then?
How did he get to come back?

FWIW I think you should tell some people
that might make it real
Then he can't hide from it
and nor can you

AitchTwoOh · 11/05/2009 10:32

are you sure that posting on here where he will see it isn't just another attempt to keep him on his toes and make him change?

Original poster
Mamazon · 11/05/2009 10:32

please don't feel im judging you DWP. i am in no position to.
i put my DS through hell by staying. i cannot even tell you how many times he tried to get in front of his father to prevent him hitting me ( we left when he was 4 so it tells you how young he'd have been)
it is something i am deeply ashamed of.

even when i left and wen to the refuge i was still going back to visit. in my head i was allowing him to see the children but each and every time i went back he would be abusive in some way.
when i left the refuge and got a house he found me. i thought it was easier to just let him in and have him stay rather than have him kick off outside the house.

yet again, more violance in front of teh children.

it took me a further 18 months after leaving that initial night, befoere i was properly free from him. and by that i mean in my head, not just physically away from him.

Your not weak. he is just stronger and more capable of manipulation.
do not blame yourself for any of this situation. none of it is your fault, but know that only you can stop it.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 11/05/2009 10:33

It's not you who should be ashamed, it's him.

Are you trying to protect him?
I really think his reputation is the last of your worries. Think of your children.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 10:43

Aitch maybe you are right.

Thanks all for sharing your horrid experiences. It's left me with my stomach in knots. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I might call my family GP and see if he'll talk to me over the phone, he's in Yorkshire, he's done it for me before. He was at my birth and is amazing in times of crisis.

CountessDracula · 11/05/2009 10:49

have you had any counselling/therapy?
I think you could use it if not
Help you sort out what you really think/feel

AitchTwoOh · 11/05/2009 10:55

are you sure that posting on here where he will see it isn't just another attempt to keep him on his toes and make him change?

AitchTwoOh · 11/05/2009 10:56

sorry, refreshed and that reposted.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/05/2009 11:00

Argh I don't know.

I started posting on here and it would have been confusing and/or obvious if I'd namechanged to continue posting. And I can hardly ask for the thread to be deleted given the title of the thread, ha ha.

My GP is calling me this afternoon. I might get my best friend round tonight and confess all, she will give me the short sharp slap I need, for certain.

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