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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its really selfish to dress your kids in rags when you yourself have a new outfit on every day!!

85 replies

memoo · 11/05/2009 09:11

Yes I am judging but can't help it.

I know a mum though the school that I work in. One of her DC is in my class. Every day he arrives wearing clothes that are literally falling apart.

He wears the same trousers every day that have a big hole in the knee and his jumper has frayed that much on one sleve that it is almost half way up his arm.

She never sends any lunch money in or a pack lunch. School of course won't let them go hungry so give them a dinner anyway, at the last count she owes school £70.

Now I know some people genuinely struggle finacially, I have been there myself. But this women honesty has new clothes on every week and she drives a new people carrier.

I know her clothes could be from primark or even oxfam but why can't she make the same effort for her DC!!!

Last week we were getting changed for PE and her DS was upset and embarressed because his underpans had a gapping hole at the front.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 09:13

If his atire is that bad why have teh school not contacted SS?

or at the very least bought mum in for a friendly chat.

LovingTheRain · 11/05/2009 09:14

Do the school keep a log of everything? I agree with you that it is selfish and unreasonable for her to send her DS to school like this. If it was me i'd want to pass everything on to the child protection officer in the school and hope it got reported to social services. (Has this already been done? Are you the class teacher?)

runnyhabbit · 11/05/2009 09:15

Yanbu.

Is there anyway you can tell someone at the school your concerns?

Original poster

memoo · 11/05/2009 09:15

Believe it or not SS wont be concerned with a child wearing clothes that are falling apart as long as he he well looked after in other ways.

OP posts:

Original poster

memoo · 11/05/2009 09:17

School are aware of the situation too, especially as mum owes £70 for school dinners.

OP posts:

Greensneeze · 11/05/2009 09:17

Hmm, I was prepared to say something about uniform being utilitarian and it mot mattering if it's second-hand/faded/not immaculate, they only ruin it anyway...

but this sounds a bit more extreme, especially the holey underpants for pe, poor little devil

It's bizarre though, if she's keen on her own appearance why doesn't she care about his? Odd

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 09:18

if his clothes are torn and ill fitting and he is being sent to school without lunch then that is neglect. yes social services would be interested.
at the very least they would contact the mum to find out teh story and will continue to monitor thesituation. hopefully it would be enough for her to realise she needs to make more of an effort withhim.

Greensneeze · 11/05/2009 09:21

The lunch thing is worse than the holey clothes IMO. Poor child, he must feel really embarrassed and uncared-for

MummyDoIt · 11/05/2009 09:22

Poor little kid. Can the school not give him some uniform? We have a big box of donated uniform at our school which is kept as spares in case kids have accidents. I'm sure in circumstances like those, no-one would object to the kid being given some trousers and a jumper.

Original poster

memoo · 11/05/2009 09:26

I really wish SS would do something about it. They are crap in our area. I know the head has phoned up for various other things and they didn't want to know.

Our school has a high proportion of children who don't have great homes. The things we have to deal with in school sometimes are shocking, things that I wouldn't believe if I hadn't witnessed them myself.

It really does break my heart how sad and lonely some childrens lives are

OP posts:

Greensneeze · 11/05/2009 09:30

I know a little Y1 girl who arrives in school having had no breakfast every day - I wondered whether it might be a refusal-to-eat thing rather than neglectful, but she eats hungrily at school and isn't fussy. Though I suppose some children do eat better outside home. If she were mine I hope I would have found something she would eat for breakfast by now.

her little sister is enrolled at our nursery and only shows up every week or so - her mum can't be arsed to walk her to nursery unless she's going out anyway. She's one of the most delightful children I've ever met.

I try not to be judgemental about this sort of thing - I'm not the best parent in the world myself - but sometimes it can be to see such lovely children being shortchanged.

MissSunny · 11/05/2009 09:31

Message withdrawn

Fennel · 11/05/2009 09:34

I do agree you can't tell just from the clothes. My 8yo dd1 has nice clean new clothes but often prefers the old ripped scruffy clothes, often grubby. I try and make sure she doens't head off for school in the grubby old stuff but sometimes it happens, when we don't inspect her closely on exit. Some children are drawn to dirty ripped clothes.

MissSunny · 11/05/2009 09:41

Message withdrawn

neolara · 11/05/2009 09:41

Prehaps he won't wear any other clothes. My dd has a drawer full of clothes, yet will only wear one pair of very bedraggled trousers. She wears them every day and looks awful.

mychildrenarebarmy · 11/05/2009 09:43

It is selfish but it doesn't mean it shouldn't be addressed. Why hasn't anyone talked to the Mum about the clothes/lunch issue? If SS are bad enough in your area that complaints/reports from the head are going unchecked why hasn't someone complained about that higher up? Things won't change unless it is bought up that there is a problem.

nickschick · 11/05/2009 09:44

I used to volunteer at ds school and I was the clumsiest helper there I was forever spilling paint and water and milk on blooming kids and ended up having to wash lots of uniforms and several times uniform went missing and I would be unable to find it so we had to ask mum was it ok to get something from the 'box'.

Also I quite often had credit notes/vouchers for the school uniform shop from things Id taken back and would give them away.

I went without as a child.

MissSunny · 11/05/2009 09:44

Message withdrawn

Greensneeze · 11/05/2009 09:45

Yes, possibly. I don't have a non-eater, so no experience of it - must be very stressful.

I've known both girls for quite a while though and I'm afraid there is a minor neglect issue. I'm not about to start making anonymous calls to SS though!

Original poster

memoo · 11/05/2009 09:46

Miss Sunny, He has only been in our school a few months, He started in reception after the february half term.

Apart from the ripped clothes and lack of dinner money there are no other signs that anything is wrong or that he is being mistreated.

OP posts:

theDreadPirateDavina · 11/05/2009 09:48

Nothing constructive to add but I think I love Nickschick

Upwind · 11/05/2009 09:48

YANBU

symptomatic of more serious problems

Original poster

memoo · 11/05/2009 09:50

Mychildren, Its not that things are going unchecked. Mum has been spoken to about the dinner money, she actually got called into the heads office last week.

I think that she actually just doesn't give a toss what anyone thinks or says to her.

OP posts:

runnyhabbit · 11/05/2009 09:51

I agree with Miss Sunny.

Ds1 is 4, and there is no way he would be sent to school looking scruffy, in ripped clothes etc.

(However, what he looks like when he comes out of school, is an entirely different matter!)

Slammerkin · 11/05/2009 09:54

Has his mum been called in for a word at all, or even contacted about the money owed? Is it possible she's ill or depressed? Have you noticed her speaking to any other parents when she drops her DC off, does she seem approachable or not at all?

I think if it was the clothes alone, you might be able to feasibly conclude that he loses/rips clothes easily and mum is just fed up - although there's a difference between being a scruff and wearing the same clothes for a week or more. But I can't see any excuse for sending a DC to school without either a lunchbox or lunch money, and making no attempt to reimburse the school or even speak to somebody about why she can't afford to repay that money. What does she imagine her ds does for food all day? I've worked in a school, and for me, alarm bells would have been ringing if a child was not just persistently frayed around the edges, but never seemed to have a change of clothes and was repeatedly sent in lunch-less.

Is he an otherwise normal, bright and happy child, or is there anything which makes you worry about active as well as passive neglect or abuse at home?

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