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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its really selfish to dress your kids in rags when you yourself have a new outfit on every day!!

85 replies

memoo · 11/05/2009 09:11

Yes I am judging but can't help it.

I know a mum though the school that I work in. One of her DC is in my class. Every day he arrives wearing clothes that are literally falling apart.

He wears the same trousers every day that have a big hole in the knee and his jumper has frayed that much on one sleve that it is almost half way up his arm.

She never sends any lunch money in or a pack lunch. School of course won't let them go hungry so give them a dinner anyway, at the last count she owes school £70.

Now I know some people genuinely struggle finacially, I have been there myself. But this women honesty has new clothes on every week and she drives a new people carrier.

I know her clothes could be from primark or even oxfam but why can't she make the same effort for her DC!!!

Last week we were getting changed for PE and her DS was upset and embarressed because his underpans had a gapping hole at the front.

OP posts:
Fennel · 11/05/2009 09:54

Neolora, do we share the same daughter?

I let dd1 wear scruffy holey clothes (not to school except when she slips through unnoticed, which can happen as we have 2 younger children and 2 jobs so our mornings are busy) because she's happy in them. She likes to play messy games outside, and she feels comfortable in old holey brown cords and scruffy old tshirts and sweatshirts. And then she wants to wear these same clothes to other places. And I don't want to force her out of them. I like her the way she is.

Dumbledoresgirl · 11/05/2009 09:55

Please don't call SS on the basis of holey trousers. My ds2 is in Year 6 and only has trousers with holes in them. I am not buying him new ones now as he only has a term to go before he changes schools and colour of uniform. I patch the holes, but he still looks like a street urchin some days. Come to think of it, some of his shirts have small holes in them too, most of his socks do, and his jumpers have grease stains on them that don't come out with washing . Oh and his hair is (badly) cut by dh. I wouldn't know what pants he wears but I hope I throw them out before they have holes in them (though not before threads start dangling). He is a much loved, nay 100% adored, son though.

I don't know about the boy in the OP. It sounds awful I admit, but plenty of mums don't mind sending their children out in ragged clothes, especially in the summer term, and she might just be forgetful about the dinner money. OTOH, it could be horrendous abuse I agree.

juuule · 11/05/2009 09:56

Have the school had a word with her?
I would have thought they would have called her in about the dinner money at least.
If his uniform is so bad, have they spoken to her about it?
Perhaps there are things going on that you don't know about.
If her ds has been okay at pe other times perhaps the hole in the u/pants day was a one-off mistake.
Maybe she has nice clothes because someone she knows passes them on to her.
The people carrier? could they be in debt because of it? Has she inherited it?
Is her ds upset about his uniform? How old is he?

Original poster
memoo · 11/05/2009 09:56

Slammerkin, Mum has been called in to speak to the head.

In every other way this child is a normal, happy and healthy little boy.

I think mum doesn;t send the money in because she knows we will still feed him.

Its catch 22! We can't leave a 4 year old child with no dinner.

OP posts:
juuule · 11/05/2009 09:57

"In every other way this child is a normal, happy and healthy little boy."

No need for ss then.

Original poster
memoo · 11/05/2009 09:58

juule, Apart from the inccident with the underpants her DS is not bothered about his clothes at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 11/05/2009 09:59

I agree that there is no need for SS, I just think she is a incredabley selfish

OP posts:
MissSunny · 11/05/2009 10:00

Message withdrawn

juuule · 11/05/2009 10:00

So it could be possible that it's a case of him not wanting to wear anything else or that it's late in the year and the mum reluctant to buy new at this point as someone else mentioned.

MissSunny · 11/05/2009 10:03

Message withdrawn

MissSunny · 11/05/2009 10:07

Message withdrawn

nickschick · 11/05/2009 13:20

Thanks for the lurrrveee .

My eldest ds actually leaves school in a fortnight -in Feb I bought him 3 white school shirts at about £8 - his shirts had ink stains on and although I knew he was going to be leaving he wears the uniform 5x a week and so even with only a few months left it was pennies per wear

For those of you that claim to have scruffy little urchins - a dirt uniform is a sign of a good day its not how clean they end the day its how clean they start the day.

laweaselmys · 11/05/2009 13:36

I find it a bit sad that so many people are keen to say don't call SS he seems happy therefore he is fine. Or that it is only ripped clothes and no dinners. He is four and hasn't been at school for more than a few months - I hardly think the mum has got fed up of school uniform prices already.

If he is a little boy being passively neglected/abused at home he wouldn't know any different so he wouldn't necessarily seem unhappy. Abused children aren't always easy to pick out of the crowd by their quiet solemn nature if they were it would be a helluva a lot easier to spot child abuse and stop it don't you think??

I think she should be reported, SS can decide for themselves whether there is more going on and a case or not. I would if I was his key worker.

runnyhabbit · 11/05/2009 18:00

nickschick - I totally agree with "a dirt uniform is a sign of a good day its not how clean they end the day its how clean they start the day"

I swear some days when ds comes out of school, it looks like he's rolled in mud, paint, food etc

But I can't understand the different standards between the mum and her ds. I wouldn't wear scruffy clothes for work, so why would I let my ds wear them for school?

LeonieSoSleepy · 11/05/2009 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PM73 · 11/05/2009 18:05

Aw that poor little boy,i hate to think of any small person walking round in ripped clothes. Mum sounds a selfish cow actually.

Its a very sad world when a 4 yr old feels embarressed,they should only feel joy & happiness at that age.

katiestar · 11/05/2009 18:10

Do you mind me asking

  1. how you actually know that she owes the school £70 , and how you know he never comes in with packed lunch /dinner money (please don'r tell jme your 4 yr old told you)and how you know he is not on free school meals ?
  2. Her clothes haven't been passed on to her ,or are from days when she was better off ?
  3. Why you think the DS has to come to school dressed as if he were going to a photo shoot ,rather than a day of rolling around on the grass,messy craft activities,playing and sleeve chewing?At playschool we wee always told to send them in old clothes ,why is reception different ?
juuule · 11/05/2009 18:15

Well said, katiestar.
Good questions.

runnyhabbit · 11/05/2009 18:17

Katiestar - Don't know about points 1 to 3, but point 4? Would you actually send your dc into school wearing torn/frayed clothes?

juuule · 11/05/2009 18:20

Mine have gone into school less than perfect at times.

One chewed the cuffs out of every sweatshirt he owned and always had holes in the knees of his trousers after around a week of wearing them. So much as I might try to keep on top of things it wasn't always possible.

Heated · 11/05/2009 18:25

That is very sad, both for the lack of meals (does he qualify for fsm?) and the underwear - he must feel very embarrassed poor wee lad.

Working as a trainee in a school some years ago we washed & dressed a child every morning as the clothes she was sent in with were so disgustingly dirty & smelly. She was 'known' to SS. We probably broke all kinds of official rules but the children didn't want to sit next to her & the teachers refused to leave her like that.

I see the mother has met the Head, what has the mother said about it? Is there a welfare team? e.g. school nurse/health Visitor/EWO

theDreadPirateRoberts · 11/05/2009 18:26

I may have given up trying to get the glue stains off DS's sweatshirts (uniform, logo'd), and the cuffs fray pretty quick (I've taken to oversewing the edges to make them last a bit longer) but I'd never send him in in holey underpants - I even make sure on PE day he's wearing Dr Who or footbally ones instead of Thomas the Tank Engine, cos it matters to them... These are the sorts of things you do when you care about your child, surely?

And the OP says she works at the school, hence all the info she provided.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/05/2009 18:30

May I ask those in the know how bad clothes have to be before it becomes an issue. My DC's school clothes are marked with ink and glue and all the other things they manage to get on them during the course of the school day, and DS's trousers are worn on the knees. They were new at the beginning of term, but he seems to spend most of his breaks on his knees. And DD's shoes are in a similar state. She wore through the toes of her last pair in a term, and this term's are going the same way. So, my children are not neglected (IMO anyway), but do wear worn clothes for sure.

I do pay for thier lunch though.

katiestar · 11/05/2009 18:35

You inow I think there is a big cultural divide when it comes to kids clothes.
One camp think that being immaculately dressed and groomed is fundamentally important to show you are respectable and your DC well cared for.
The other camp think clothes are no more than a necessity to cover their modesty and to keep them warm ,kids play and wreck their clothes anyway.Just as long as they washed ,ironing is a waste of time money and energy. Typically 'green parents' come into this group.
I think its very difficult for one camp to see the others POV

katiestar · 11/05/2009 18:38

Another question.Is the child supposed to be on packed lunch of school dinners ?
I ask because at our school we pay termly or half termly in advance by cheque.It is very common to hear parents going into the office many weeks after the start of term to ask if they have paid that terms lunch money or not.