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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its really selfish to dress your kids in rags when you yourself have a new outfit on every day!!

85 replies

memoo · 11/05/2009 09:11

Yes I am judging but can't help it.

I know a mum though the school that I work in. One of her DC is in my class. Every day he arrives wearing clothes that are literally falling apart.

He wears the same trousers every day that have a big hole in the knee and his jumper has frayed that much on one sleve that it is almost half way up his arm.

She never sends any lunch money in or a pack lunch. School of course won't let them go hungry so give them a dinner anyway, at the last count she owes school £70.

Now I know some people genuinely struggle finacially, I have been there myself. But this women honesty has new clothes on every week and she drives a new people carrier.

I know her clothes could be from primark or even oxfam but why can't she make the same effort for her DC!!!

Last week we were getting changed for PE and her DS was upset and embarressed because his underpans had a gapping hole at the front.

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 11/05/2009 18:41

Agree with katiestar that this parent could be a very middle class lentil weaver.

juuule · 11/05/2009 18:42

I don't know about the lentil weaver but I think katiestar makes a lot of good points.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 11/05/2009 18:47

Not if you've read the OP she doesn't... Child doesn't get sent in with lunch, mother has been called in re non-payment of school lunch money, and is wearing herself what looks like new clothes every day - hardly lentil-weavery...

laweaselmys · 11/05/2009 18:55

So do middle class lentil weavers never ever abuse their kids?

You are all absolutely right there could very easily be nothing going wrong. But none of us KNOW that. So it is totally wrong to assume that their definately isn't. It should be investigated.

TheFallenMadonna There is a massive difference between well loved clothes which yes definately includes frayed edges, stains etc. Clothes that smell clean/don't smell but have a few marks or small holes are just worn. I don't think anybody would bat an eyelid at that kind of thing.

Huge rips/holes that aren't sewn up/replaced, clothes that are superficially dirty (ie fresh mud etc) worn repeatedly without any attempt to wash, very smelly clothes, clothes that are inappropriate for the weather (in small children only obviously - we all know it is impossible to get some older kids to wear a coat!) clothes that are much too small (to the point of being uncomfortable to the child)
This kind of stuff is an indicator that something might be wrong. It doesn't necessarily mean abuse, obviously. But especially in conjunction with other things in this case the not caring about how the boy is being fed through the day indicates something is probably wrong even if it isn't abuse. Could easily be a whole host of things that just mean the parent(s) aren't coping very well and could do with some help.

juuule · 11/05/2009 18:58

"Huge rips/holes that aren't sewn up/replaced, clothes that are superficially dirty (ie fresh mud etc) worn repeatedly without any attempt to wash, very smelly clothes, clothes that are inappropriate for the weather (in small children only obviously - we all know it is impossible to get some older kids to wear a coat!) clothes that are much too small (to the point of being uncomfortable to the child)"

Good grief
How have you got to that from this

"He wears the same trousers every day that have a big hole in the knee and his jumper has frayed that much on one sleve that it is almost half way up his arm."

ScummyMummy · 11/05/2009 19:01

Course m/c lentil weavers can be abusive sometimes. But there is a definite tradition of posh kids being allowed, maybe even encouraged, to be scruffy, I think. And memoo has specifically said he's well looked after in other ways.

cornsilk · 11/05/2009 19:02

Maybe he likes the torn clothes? I've had to hide a frayed swearshirt from ds as he insists on wearing it. It's a bit like a comfort blanket thing to him.

laweaselmys · 11/05/2009 19:06

juule I was answering somebody else's question, not the OP. I was trying to point out the difference between kids being a bit scruffy and something that teachers/careworkers might note as a bit odd.

To be honest I have gone off the point of the OP quite a bit. But child protection is serious and I don't think it's up to a load of randomers online who have never even seen this child to decide what further action is or is not appropriate.

mehdismummy · 11/05/2009 19:06

its the other way round for me!! ds looks like he stepped out of gq and me out of primark!!! i am obsessive about clothes since we left h we have gone to charity shops and got given things and now he has 30 pairs of trousers!! st clares hospice here i come!

ScummyMummy · 11/05/2009 19:08

So why are you, another randomer, urging investigative action, I wonder?

runnyhabbit · 11/05/2009 19:08

Katiestar - I can see where you're coming from, and I know which camp I'm in Although fwiw, I don't care how others see me and my family. For me, being clean and tidy is how it should be.
Everyone in this house starts the day clean. How we look at the end of the day is an entirely different matter

katiestar · 11/05/2009 19:09

But the OP says the boy seems well cared for in other ways and happy . I didn't see anything (but I do often miss things !) about the clothes being dirty or smelly- just in poor repair.
The reason I am arguing this so much is that I know a couple of families in my village whose kids are just like this.In both cases the mothers are very successful and busy in terms of their career they care a lot about their kids and have great relationships with them It is just the minutiae of daily life , getting organised to buy/mend school uniform ,sort out packed lunches ,tidy the house etc does not seem very high up their agenda.

laweaselmys · 11/05/2009 19:13

Just giving the other side.

Think of it this way, if you asked about something in AIBU to do with your job and everybody told you to do one thing it would put you off doing the opposite even if that was what you had really wanted to do. I wouldn't want that to happen when the job involved looking after kids (in whatever capacity) and the issue involves potentially child protection.

So I will always urge investigation in things like this. Because that's all it is. It's investigation. It doesn't mean anything is going to happen. It certainly doesn't mean SS are going to come in and steal her child away because she sent him to school a bit scruffy. But it means if something is wrong it has been spotted early and they can get some help.

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/05/2009 19:14

Poor little boy, hopefully the school will keep an eye on him and report if they see fit. I cant imagine anybody not sending their child with lunch.

Uniform is extremely cheap from supermarkets etc so no excuse really for sending him in that state, especially when the parent seems to find time to shop for themselves. I dont like seeing scruffy/too small clothes at school, for playing out in the mud etc at home yes but not for school.

laweaselmys · 11/05/2009 19:17

I wasn't talking about the OP. I was answering a specific question asked about what childcare people might note in terms of appearance.

I was trying to be reassuring to everybody that has scruffy kids that nobody thinks they are being abused just because they are a bit scruffy!!

To me, in the OP in sounded a little like the disrepair was a bit much to have not been replaced. But that was firstly taking what was written at face value and secondly it is not a definate indication that anything is wrong!

juuule · 11/05/2009 19:21

Presumably the school has it's own child safeguarding procedures.
Rather than encouraging the op to call ss it might be more appropriate to suggest she speaks to whoever is responsible for child protection in the school. Although I would imagine if there was a problem they would be onto it already.

Happymummyofone "I dont like seeing scruffy/too small clothes at school, "
but it's not really about what you are happy with. It's more what the family concerned is happy with.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/05/2009 19:21

But Happymumofone, why not for school? My DC get filthy at school (and hurrah for that). I tend to view their uniform at this age rather as I would a boiler suit

And why on earth should I replace something after a few weeks because it is worn, even if it is cheap (apart from to avoid a judging)? What a waste.

juuule · 11/05/2009 19:23

Absolutely TheFallenMadonna.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/05/2009 19:23

God - am now actually slightly concerned about someone initiating an SS investigation into my scruffy children. And if anyone doesn't think being investigated by SS would be anything other than distressing, even if concerns were deemed unfounded, then they are surely kidding themselves.

laweaselmys · 11/05/2009 19:27

juule Fair enough, especially since I appear to have confused everybody that probably would make far more sense. (Can I have a I just had a baby free pass please?!)

laweaselmys · 11/05/2009 19:30

THEY WON'T I promise.

A SS investigation involves quite a lot before they even go near the family anyway. They need to be pretty convinced before they turn up at your door. SS are not going to do that for merely scruffy kids.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/05/2009 19:32

That's all right then.

Dillydaydreamer · 11/05/2009 19:54

YANBU! At first I was ready to say YABU because my dds 3 and 1 trash all new or good clothes playing outside at farms/parks so they wear ebay stuff or cheap brands....but holes fgs. No excuse imho Poor boy

wobbletastic · 11/05/2009 20:10

Sadly some people put themselves and their needs and wants before those of their children.

Kimi · 11/05/2009 20:15

YANBU, poor child.
I think the "mum" needs to be educated in how to look after a child

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