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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset over being un invited to a wedding because someone i've never spoken to has decided she hates me?

97 replies

Mamazon · 11/05/2009 09:09

My friend is getting married in Vegas so they are throwing a big wedding party when they return for the people who couldn't attend the actual wedding.

I was invited to this reception.

I have just received a message on facebook! saying

hi hun how are u? well i dont really no how to put this but basically xxx wont come to the reception if u go so im really sorry to have to ask u not to come, i feel really bad i didnt even no things were that bad between u, i hope u understand that this is nothing to do with me and i would of loved for u to of come, sorry xx

Now admitedly the person in question is the grooms cousin so i could understand her predicament BUT i have never even had a conversation with this woman. I have only even spoken to her when she has been with other friends and i've said something like hi or sorry for brushing past or whatever. literally no more than 2 words.
and this is because i have picked up on the fact that she didn't seem too welcoming.

TBH if it were me i would tell this woman ( who is widely known as a vile drunk) to grow up and stop being pathetic. but i fear they have done this because they know she will be drunk and will undoubtedly cause a scene.

I am a lot more upset than i care to admit in RL.

OP posts:
EyeballsisonaDietAgain · 11/05/2009 11:40

Well I've met you, you were probably drunk and won't remember and we exchanged even fewer words than you have with this witch woman and I think you're lovely (and gorgeous ).

Ditch the traitor friend. What the hell kind of person does that to a friend anyway? Or has Facebook lost her the use of her balls tongue?

Gorionine · 11/05/2009 11:43

Yanbu.

It is your friends wedding, surely she should be the one having the last word WRT the guest list, not the grooms cousin!

I would not bother trying to find out what the problem is, mainly because I think it is irrelevant.

Your friend says she does not want to get involved but she is effectively getting involved by cancelling your invitation on someone else's say so!

StealthPolarBear · 11/05/2009 11:47

oh get her to find out what the problem is, but then still don't go
I agree with whoever said spend the money you would have spent at the wedding to have a night out, and the money you'd have spent on a present to treat yourself to something!

Blu · 11/05/2009 11:52

LOL at your friend going as far as uninviting someone without even finding out why 'because she doesn't want to get involved'. That's RIDICULOUS - it's extreme involvement to tell someobne they can't come!!!!

I would send her a letter saying that you have agreed not to go because you understand she has accepted the cousin's ultimatum because she needs to do what she needs to do fo a quiet day, but that you had been looking forward to the day tremendously, and wanted very much to celebrate her big event. That you are concerned about the cousin's attitude because you really have had no contact, and that you are upset that other friends may take it that your absence is because you have done something wrong.

Tell her you are disappointed that she took the cousin's ultimatum without any challenege , and that you feel very hurt and sad that you cannot attend.

Her behaviour has been truly awful - this message gives her a chance to think twice and redeem herself - and if she doesn't, well then, she does sound a very weak, fickle and pathetic friend.

Sorry.

junglist1 · 11/05/2009 12:04

I was asked to be maid of honour by by ex best friend a few years back and then the groom asked someone else because I wasn't the right religion. She was cut off after that. Don't waste your time with someone who can't be bothered to stick up for you.

PlumBumMum · 11/05/2009 12:06

So what happens if the rest of your friends say they don't want to go because you can't go?
I think your 'friend' isn't avery good friend at all, and like others have said she should have put the cousin in her place as soon as she mentioned it

FrankMustard · 11/05/2009 12:12

YANBU - and for the bride to say she doesn't know why this woman dislikes you but that she doesn't want to get involved, just takes the biscuit! If one of my future inlaws said to me they wouldn't come if one of my friends was coming, I'd make sure I found out why because it's not a reasonable (or mature) stance to take. Sounds like playground fodder...I'm not coming if she's coming...nerner-nee-nerner.
Plus, sending you a message on FB is crass. Ditch the wedding, get a refund for the present and spend it on a great day out for yourself!

StealthPolarBear · 11/05/2009 12:15

oooh yes can all your friends refuse to go (or threaten) because this woman will be there?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 11/05/2009 12:19

Erm, IMO friendship over!

I would reply in a personal handwritten note and say,

"Dear Weirdo Friend,

Thanks for your classy Facebook message uninviting me to your wedding.

Of course, if you would rather I was not there, then that is absolutely fine. I have myself never heard of guests dictating the bride's guest list though. I thought it was your day, not .

It is a pity that despite our never having even had a conversation, she feels the need to decide for you who should come to your wedding.

However, if that is fine with you, then it is fine with me, as it is your wedding. Will be deciding where you honeymoon and when you have your first baby too?

I wish you all the very very best for your big day and your married life.

With love,

Your friend,

Mamazon

geordieminx · 11/05/2009 12:27

What grimupnorthsaid - fab letter!!!

Confuzzeled · 11/05/2009 12:39

Sorry, but both the other woman are being horrible. Either your friend is weak and rather silly or she's an asshole too. I cannot believe that someone would uninvite their friend on from a wedding on fb.

If it was me I would -

  1. Put my fb status to "Mamazon - is feeling snubbed and dissapointed at her so called friend"
  1. Send a fb message back to friend and say I was really hurt and feel like the one not being picked for rounders because everyone else will be going. Also I would say I was sad that my friendship meant so little.
  1. I would contact mutual friends who were going to the wedding and say how sorry I was that I wouldn't be seeing them because I have been uninvited to wedding because of some irrelevant cousin.

I know the bride may be stressed but I had a huge wedding (big family) and my parents don't speak, their family's and friends don't get on and I managed to organise them all and tell them to belt up or twunt off.

Theimperialcharliecat · 11/05/2009 12:42

A very similar thing happened to me years ago and it still stings even now, so no YANBU!

YanknCock · 11/05/2009 12:51

It absolutely sucks when someone you thought was a good friend lets you down like that.

What an idiot.

Not exactly the same situation, but reminds me of my wedding. Two very good friends had a spat, and the one decided not to turn up at my wedding. I had not taken sides, not gotten involved, and certainly didn't want/expect either to bow out. In fact, she was supposed to be my personal attendant! She never called, couldn't get ahold of her, and spent my wedding day worrying that she was dead on the road somewhere. Finally someone got through to her roommate who confirmed she was okay. She never explained it to me, and we've never spoken again. Really sad as we'd been such good friends (or so I thought) for years.

If either of them had demanded the other be disinvited, I would have told them to stuff it. The cousin wasn't being fair on the bride, but the bride was completely out of order to disinvite you.

Sidge · 11/05/2009 13:20

Crikey how old are they? 7? I don't like her, she can't come to your party

YANBU, I am not surprised you are upset. And to 'tell' you via Facebook rather than phone you is just cowardly.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/05/2009 13:45

YANBU to feel upset and hurt

what strikes me is the childish and imature behaviour of cancelling over FB

its pathetic enough to cancel you on the say so of a drunk, but if she feels she had to then why not ring

I understand you now feel you dont want to go, but I would ask the bride to find out what excalty is her problem with you

maybe the grrom (cousin) can shed some more light on it

ingles2 · 11/05/2009 13:47

There's got to be more to this.
I can't believe the bride has gone ahead an disinvited you without knowing the reason.
I reckon she knows but is going for the cowardly custard way out, of not telling you and posting childish note on FB.
Can you speak to a mutual friend and see if you can find out more before responding to bride?

screamingabdab · 11/05/2009 15:05

Sorry, call me old-fashioned, but isn't it just a bit bloody rude to un-invite someone on FaceBook?

YANBU

StealthPolarBear · 11/05/2009 15:32

There's no chapter on it in my etiquette book

caramelwaffle · 11/05/2009 17:58

What DOES the etiquette book say regarding dis-inviting a "friend" to your wedding via Facebook etc?

Goodness. A total lack of class in my eyes.

The cousin is obviously jealous of you my dear. Move on from the whole shabby lot of them.

Original poster
Mamazon · 11/05/2009 18:00

well indeed. i'd have been upset no matter what but at least if she had actually spoken to me about it and said that she had at least tried fighting my corner but it was family blah blah i could have gotten over it. but this was just so cold

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 11/05/2009 18:09

Agree with the jealousy angle- having met you in RL myself I can say that you could come across as envy-provoking due to your charisma and vivacious beauty, and lesser mortals with ishoos might get defensively bitchy as a result. That is their problem not yours. Obviously my own bonce is big enough to cope with the competition and I therefore think you are fabulous- perhaps you need to stick to mixing with with other magical creatures of gorgeousness rather than crabbit little pathetic ones who are so insecure that they turn into spiteful bitches? Just a suggestion- cheer up my love! And I agree, just quietly back off from your so-called friend with dignity- she should be ashamed of herself, but has probably got her head stuck up her illiterate arse because of the wedding.

squeaver · 11/05/2009 18:10

Bloody hell, the idiot cousin is bad enough; the "friend" who goes along with what she says is clearly a weak moron; doing the whole thing over Facebook is ludicrous...

But "hun" - well that's just unforgivable.

squeaver · 11/05/2009 18:12

And I've just looked at your profile and you are indeed a beauty and your norks are things of wonder.

It's all about jealousy.

Original poster
Mamazon · 11/05/2009 18:15

BitofFun you of course were not affected by the might of my norkiness as you are indeed a stunning creature. so stunning a world famous artist chose you as a muse, what greater accolade could there be.

but thank you, you have indeed cheered me upand i am blushing ever so slightly.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 11/05/2009 18:17

Gordon Bennett - rescinding a wedding invitation a) via facebook, b) in txtspk, c) with the acronym lol .

How rude!