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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thought about this all night and am getting more and more upset about it .

61 replies

Comewhinewithme · 11/05/2009 08:56

You can accuse me of been PFB I can take it .

DS is 11 on Friday 17 year old SIL asked if she could take Ds out for day . She said she was taking him to a little village in the countryside which had activities and a farm . We let him go and thought it was really nice of her to offer.

He did not get back until 8.30pm and when they came in sil said that she had forgot to tell us in the morning that she couldn't get tickets for the village so had taken him to the seaside instead . Then they sat giggling about the fact she had taken him on the pirate ship didn't sit with him and he almost slid out according to them he does have a massive welt across the back of his legs where he hooked his legs under the seat . She also let him go on a gravity wheel and the rides he couldn't get on she left him stood alone while she went on them.

So I know I sound a bit precious but I am pissed off about been lied to about where they were going ds has his ticket and it was booked in advance so there was never any intention of going to the village . SO I thought he was in one place all day and he was in another I am also upset about the rides .

SIL knew I was not impressed but part of me thinks I shouldn't make an issue of it and that it was lovely of her to take him out but then I get angry thinking about the fact we were lied to because she knew I wouldn't let her take him to the seaside alone and that mil and fil lied about where they were going aswell.

Just so you know I am not doing an AIBU by stealth I have had issues with MIL in the past over her thinking she can do what she wants wrt to my children we have only just started talking again and I don't want to start another row which will drag on for ages .

OP posts:

barnpot · 11/05/2009 09:05

I dont think your being unreasonable, and she needs to be told that this is not acceptable. anything could have happened. however it is done now so maybe a quiet word in her ear is the way to go. dont dwell on it, but be clear there must not be a next time. x

pollywobbledoodle · 11/05/2009 09:06

yanbu or pfbish....someone lied to you about where they were taking your child because they knew you wouldn't agree and did things you feel were dangerous....and then gloated told you about it....very manipulative....a b@llocking is completely in order imo...

StealthPolarBear · 11/05/2009 09:06

She does sound a bit immature (going on rides he wasn't tall enough to go on) - why wouldn't you let her take him to the seaside alone usually? (I understand I may have answered that!)

MagNacarta · 11/05/2009 09:08

Some of what you say is a little pfb-ish ie. him standing waiting while she went on rides, at 11 he's old enough. However the main issue is that she lied to you and I presume she did it because they thought you'd say no to the seaside. You are absolutely in the right and I would say something to both SIL and DS.

Original poster

Comewhinewithme · 11/05/2009 09:11

She is lovely and I trust her to babysit and she has taken dd's out before .
She loves to spoil them ....but she is very immature and tells a lot of silly lies .
I was a bit over her taking him out to the village but decided to let him go as she has been acting more grown up lately.
But if I had known it wa sthe seaside I just would not have been happy with her atking him on her own simply for the fact I knew she would go on rides and leave him stood alone .

OP posts:

Original poster

Comewhinewithme · 11/05/2009 09:14

But I wouldn't leave him stood alone in a town he has never been to before while I went on a ride . But I know it sounds PFB .

OP posts:

IDidntRaiseAThief · 11/05/2009 09:17

she didn't take him where she was supposed to, that would really piss me off so no yanbu. All sounds a bit sneaky tbh.

WinkyWinkola · 11/05/2009 09:18

Absolutely not YANBU. You need to know where your son is. You thought he was at the farm and he wasn't.

I would be raging actually. What if something had happened on those crappy rides?

I really would have words with your SIL tbh. Otherwise it's license to do what they like.

Your MIL is another issue. As a responsible adult, if she'd known your SIL wasn't telling the truth about where your son was, then she too is to blame.

They lied to you. That is a big deal IMO.

alicecrail · 11/05/2009 09:28

I would be raging if that happened. Next time she offers i think i would say : thats very kind but i don't feel i am able to trust you to take dc out by yourself again. I think that would be fair and to the point and i don't think anyone would argue with that. I'm glad he is ok though

ruddynorah · 11/05/2009 09:29

yanbu about the lie. however, yabu anbout the pfb stuff. he is 11 she is 17 i'd have been surprised they'd wanted to go to a village farm tbh and would have suggested they'd have more fun at the seaside! he's old enough to stand alone while she's on a ride. you kind of talk like he's 6 or 7.

Original poster

Comewhinewithme · 11/05/2009 09:39

You are right about him been old enough to stand alone I think I am just getting pissed off about been lied to and the fact that I thought he was in one place and she took him to another.

I just feel it was sneaky and underhand and I am not usually PFB about him I have 4 other dc and one on the way so I don't have time to be PFB he does all the things an 11 year old boy does I just hate the fact I was lied to and had no idea where he was all day.

WRT him enjoying the seaside more than a farm you are probbaly right too but I never had the option of deciding which he could go to afaik he was off to this village day out thing and she took him to a different place and lied about it .

OP posts:

theDreadPirateDavina · 11/05/2009 09:43

What does DH make of it? Maybe he should be the one to give SIL a bollocking talking to this time? If DS nearly slid out of a ride, then he was clearly not big enough to be on it safely, and regardless of anyone else's opinion as to PFBishness, that's clearly not on. YANBU, but can DH take some of the flak for you?

junglist1 · 11/05/2009 09:43

I don't think him standing alone is an issue, BUT you have every right to know where he's going to be, and rides have restrictions for a good reason, safety, so YANBU

cthea · 11/05/2009 09:48

Did your DS know in advance where he was going and being sneaky as well?

theBFG · 11/05/2009 09:56

Re standing by the rides, he is eleven and is not a baby so would not have come to harm during the two minutes it takes for the ride to do whatever it does.

I would have been upset by the lies, but, I also think that you have given too much adult responsibility to a girl who is essentially still a child, and as a result she has thought it ok to do as she wants, iyswim.

Seventeen year olds are generally not responsible individuals, and they rarely think of the consequences of their actions. I wouldn't have let my child go off for the day with a seventeen year old in the first place.

theyoungvisiter · 11/05/2009 09:56

I think you should have a serious word but concentrate on the main issue - ie that she lied about where she was going with your son.

The standing alone stuff is a bit of a distraction and she may argue about the rights and wrongs of that.

Make it clear that while you are happy for her to treat her nephew, you absolutely need to know where he is going and what he is doing and that this was unacceptable.

Ignore MIL and FIL issues. If they have anything to feel guilty about they will get the message via SIL.

You should also have a separate word with your DS to ensure he doesn't get the idea that this kind of thing is acceptable and that it is funny to behave like this.

theyoungvisiter · 11/05/2009 09:58

I think the sliding out thing is probably rubbish btw, those kind of rides are designed to feel precarious and he may have felt like he might slip out, but if there was really any danger then health and safety would have them shut down like a shot.

I would ignore all that in your bollocking. Also reading other replies, I think it may be a good idea to get DH to do the talking to.

Original poster

Comewhinewithme · 11/05/2009 10:11

BFG Yesterday was the first time she has taken my ds any further than the cinema . She has taken dd's out before shopping and to the cinema and babysit (although the longest she babysat for was a couple of hours) I obviously put my trust in her thinking she was trustworthy and she has proven herself not to be.

DS had no idea he was going to the seaside .

I know he wouldn't have fell out of the ride hopefully I am not impressed by the underhand way she went about things with my child.

OP posts:

saintmaybe · 11/05/2009 10:14

I'd be interested to know why she did it; it was planned. If you can have a talk with her, maybe try asking in an open way, before you give her a bollocking. Not that I think it's acceptable at all to plan to lie to you about where they were going, but if her reasons were that she wants a better relationship with him and she just went about it in a stupid way, there might be a different way forward than if her motivation was just mischief. She's 17, and if you get her onside now by being super reasonable she might end up being a really great part of your ds's life rather than part of the IL horror story.

smee · 11/05/2009 10:19

She is in the wrong, but if they were giggling it sounds like your son had fun and likes her a lot. I'm not excusing her lying as that was obviously premeditated, but I think maybe you are being a bit ott. I'd go a bit softer than most of you and talk to her as an adult. Have a chat and say, look I want you to have fun with him, but lying's not on as it's no example to him and not great in terms of our relationship either. Tell her to be honest with you and if she is you'll let her do things with him.

personally I'd let an 11 year old go to the fair with a mate and no adult, so I do think you're being a bit PFB about that. He's 11 after all.

ThingOne · 11/05/2009 10:21

I hate, hate lying. Being lied to drives me up the wall. so YANBU on that front.

I too would get my DH to do the talking.

themildmanneredjanitor · 11/05/2009 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruddynorah · 11/05/2009 10:29

you said yourself you wouldn't have let him go to the seaside with her. so she probably knew that, hence why she didn't ask you and made up a story about going somewhere childish that she thought you'd be ok with..which you were.

she also probably felt she knew better than you that the seaside would be more fun and that he'd be fine waiting while she went on rides and that they'd be home in one piece. and in a way..she was right

ok she shouldn't have lied to you, we all agree with that. BUT, if you were less pfb she wouldn't have had to lie and they'd have had a wonderful time WITH your permission.

Galava · 11/05/2009 10:33

She abused your trust, so in that respect YANBU.

But he is 11.

(Did he have a nice time ?)

lljkk · 11/05/2009 10:40

Why in the world couldnt she have rung at any time to tell you they went to seaside not village as originally said?
I think you are being a PFB about all the rest. What are you going to do when he goes to secondary school soon? You've got to let him out of your sight sometime. But not letting you know about complete change in a whole day's plans with someone else's under 16yo child, no excuse for that.

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