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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thought about this all night and am getting more and more upset about it .

61 replies

Comewhinewithme · 11/05/2009 08:56

You can accuse me of been PFB I can take it .

DS is 11 on Friday 17 year old SIL asked if she could take Ds out for day . She said she was taking him to a little village in the countryside which had activities and a farm . We let him go and thought it was really nice of her to offer.

He did not get back until 8.30pm and when they came in sil said that she had forgot to tell us in the morning that she couldn't get tickets for the village so had taken him to the seaside instead . Then they sat giggling about the fact she had taken him on the pirate ship didn't sit with him and he almost slid out according to them he does have a massive welt across the back of his legs where he hooked his legs under the seat . She also let him go on a gravity wheel and the rides he couldn't get on she left him stood alone while she went on them.

So I know I sound a bit precious but I am pissed off about been lied to about where they were going ds has his ticket and it was booked in advance so there was never any intention of going to the village . SO I thought he was in one place all day and he was in another I am also upset about the rides .

SIL knew I was not impressed but part of me thinks I shouldn't make an issue of it and that it was lovely of her to take him out but then I get angry thinking about the fact we were lied to because she knew I wouldn't let her take him to the seaside alone and that mil and fil lied about where they were going aswell.

Just so you know I am not doing an AIBU by stealth I have had issues with MIL in the past over her thinking she can do what she wants wrt to my children we have only just started talking again and I don't want to start another row which will drag on for ages .

OP posts:

KingCanuteIAm · 11/05/2009 10:40

I would, personally, leave it now. She knows you were not impressed. Next time she offers to take them anywhere accept graciously but ask, on the day, where are you going, when will you be back, what are you doing when you get there.

Tell her when she offers that you need to know where they are for safety reasons - eg if you had to take yourselfdc tpo hospital in an emergency you may need someone to collect them or contact them. Yes it is worse case but it has happened. Also tell her that you appreciate her doing it and the dc love being with her, you just need her to be a bit more upfront.

Other than that, it sounds like he had a great time - oh wrt the falling out thing, if that had happened when you were there and he was a bit worried when he got off what would you have done? I know I would have made a joke out of it and tried to jolly him through it rather than leaving him scared, perhaps that is all she did?

wishingchair · 11/05/2009 10:42

Lying not on. If something had happened to them (road traffic accident etc), you would have had no idea where they were or where to start looking. Absolutely not unreasonable to want to know that much.

However I did my fair share of lying at that age. It was just an easy way to get what I wanted without the hassles and arguments actually discussing it would entail. Wasn't malicious, I just thought I was streetwise and could handle whatever life threw at me. Suspect she is the same.

I would say something like glad you had fun time but you must never lie to me again (giving aforementioned hospital/disaster reasons) and ask why she couldn't just say that was her plan.

NoseyHelen · 11/05/2009 10:49

It's not on for her to lie to you so worth having a word.

However, it's nice you have family to take your children off your hands. I'd love that occassionally.

FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 11:05

YANBU

She lied to you, planned to deceive you and imo it is only good luck that nothing really terrible happened to him.

smee · 11/05/2009 11:23

Ah come on FBG, they only went to the fair..

FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 11:26

Without permission.

The SIL obviously knew CWWM would say no so didn't ask.

smee · 11/05/2009 11:28

Yes, I know. Am not excusing the lie honestly, but still it was only the fair, so: 'it's only good luck that nothing really terrible happened to him' seemed a bit ott to me.

ruddynorah · 11/05/2009 11:28

something terrible like what? having to spend the day on a farm rather than at the fair?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 11/05/2009 11:32

If someone's looking after your kid, you need to know they're not going to lie to you. About anything. And location of your child is super important. Whether he had a good time. That is utterly beside the point. The kid probably enjoyed the deception too (in a mischievous kind of way) but that doesn't make it o.k.

FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 11:34

He was left alone. Yes, anything could have happened.

smee · 11/05/2009 11:41

left alone for a few minutes while she was on a ride. He's 11 not 6. She shouldn't have taken him without permission or lied about it.

SoupDragon · 11/05/2009 11:52

YANBU about being lied to. I would have a friendly, quiet chat about how you need to know where DS is in case there is an emergency. Start by saying you're pleased they had a good time and that she wants to spend gime with him etc but you do need to know in advance where they'll be.
YABPFB abut the standing by the ride (but you knew that )
Did he have a great time? If yes, don't make a big deal about it, if no, mention to SIL during your friendly chat that it wasn't an appropriate place to go.

SoupDragon · 11/05/2009 11:54

Blimey, at 11 I was going shopping with 11 yo friends in the nearest town, a 20 min bus ride away. Standing by a ride is nothing compared to that.

FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 11:56

Okay

spokette · 11/05/2009 12:11

One wonders how humans ever evolved before being tied to apron strings until age 21 became mandatory for 21st century survival.

YANBU about the lying but you are being waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over the top about an 11yo boy standing by himself for two minutes.

titchy · 11/05/2009 12:17

God I left ds aged 7 standing by the exit to Dragon's Fury at Chessington while I went on it with dd

WinkyWinkola · 11/05/2009 12:21

Isn't it more about the lies?

The fact that he almost slid out of some of the rides would piss me off too.

Don't think your SIL is very responsible TBH. I wouldn't leave my kids with her.

letswiggle · 11/05/2009 12:23

I would be cross about the whole lying thing. But I expect that you're mil and fil thought you were being ridiculous in putting this prohibition on where he went, and that's why they colluded in the lying part. When I was 11 I would have gone to the seaside with my 11yo friends for sure. I wouldn't worry much even about 7yo ds standing by a ride for a few minutes, though wouldn't love it. At 11 I can't imagine why it's a problem.

MmeLindt · 11/05/2009 12:25

I would speak to her (or get DH to speak to her if they are good terms) and tell her that she will not be allowed to take any of the DC out unless you know where they are going. Fair enough, if it had been a last minute change of plans, but she did not tell you as she knew you would object to the fair.

Normally the operators of the rides would not allow a child on the ride if they are under the height limit. I expect they might be exaggerating a bit there, but would make a point in telling her that you were concerned when you heard that. She might tell a different story when your DS is not in the room.

The leaving him standing alone is a non-issue.

kidowner · 11/05/2009 12:32

They knew you would not let him go so they had to lie.

He really wanted to go (what 11 year old boy wouldn't)

There was some sort of family discussion/conspiracy to enable him to go (unwise but then maybe you wrap him in cotton wool too much?)

They giggled because they managed to sneak there and the deception probably added to the adrelanin rush. They had a conscience that it was something you'd disapprove.

Where do you want to go from here? Turn it into a family rift?

My advice would be to take him next time so that you can check he's ok.

Laugh with them but tell them for security reasons no more lies, but that you will be more receptive to his ideas about what he wants to do so that he doesn't feel he has to go behind your back again.

If you over react you risk your ds going off anyway and you will be lied to as a matter of course, no conscience.

He is 11 and you need to find ways to give him more responsibility and make his own decisions so that you don't alienate him now he's turning into a young man.

WinkyWinkola · 11/05/2009 12:45

"They knew you would not let him go so they had to lie."

That's the weirdest logic I've heard in a long time i.e. in order that I could do what I want to do, knowing it's what you didn't want to do, I simply lied and got my own way.

Oh, o.k. then.

They didn't have to lie at all. They should respect the parents preferences, whatever they might think about it. Whether it's PFB syndrome or not. Decisions like that are not up to anyone who is not the parent especially if it involves lying.

Original poster

Comewhinewithme · 11/05/2009 13:08

Ok My ds is not tied to any apron strings he goes swimming with friends goes on sleepovers and shock horror plays out . He also went away for a week recently and did stuff like absailing and rock climbing .
The difference is I know where he is then .

I have already said I do not want to cause a row with the family as I do happen to like my sil .

As for the in laws thinking I am ridiculous I was never asked so they had no reason to think it aand FWIW they have taken to the seaside . If sil had taken ds where she said said she was going then next time had she asked if she could take him to the seaside I probably would have said yes.

TBH I was been a bit OTT about him standing alone but I do feel upset at been lied to about the whereabouts of my child .

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 11/05/2009 13:10

I think they probably hatched plan together - she knew that he wanted to go so made up story about farm so you would let her take him out for the day. To be honest, I would be surprised if an 11-year-old was keen to go to a farm for the day. Lying isn't great but, on the bright side, it might be a sign of blossoming independence...

KingCanuteIAm · 11/05/2009 13:13

I think some of you are projecting a bit much! There is nothing here to suggest CWWMs son had any idea or was complicit in any way or that anything worse is going on than SIL being a bit dizzy and dishonest!

KingCanuteIAm · 11/05/2009 13:14

My 11yo - and my previous 11yolds (IYSWIM) would have loved going to a farm with an aunt/sister/whatever! Why on earth is that surprising?

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