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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neither me or DH think so, what about you guys?

58 replies

StripeyOss · 10/05/2009 19:00

I have an elderly grandmother, she's got early stage dementia and lives on her own.

She calls my parents a lot, and just recently, if she cant get hold on them has been ringing me and basically treating me like my parents Secretary/Diary Keeper and wanting to know where they are, what they're doing and when they'll be back.

Today i tried to call them to let them know Nan was after them and couldnt get a response from either the house phone or dads mobile... which is a work mobile so switched off out of work hours.. he just checks the messages every now and again.. so we're talking it could be 3-4hrs before he gets one you've left on it.

Later, we went over and asked where they'd been and why hadnt they called us back and as it turned out they'd been in the garden, heard the phone and thought it was Nan and not bothered picking up

As not being able to get them when Nans phoned me has happened a few times, i made a simple request.

That they keep moms mobile on them and SWITCHED ON at all times when they're out so that if Nan cant get hold of them and calls me in an emergency, that i can phone them and get them immediately... i wouldnt use the number unless it was a REAL emergency.

They refused and i actually got into an argument with my mother over it, they seem to feel just using dads mobile and checking the messages is good enough.

I asked what the point in mom having a mobile was (she's always had one) if its just left in the house and never used!

They refused again so i said "fine, i'll just keep fielding your mothers calls because you can't be bothered to answer the phone to her"

Mom snapped something about me bein a martyr and stormed off back in the house

AIBU? Mom and Dad are on Nans emergency call list if she has an accident (she's got one of those red button things in her house) but i get called if they're not available.

I really dont think IABU to ask they have a phone i can ALWAYS get them on if that happens.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 10/05/2009 19:02

Maybe they just needed a break?

I think a bit U, yes...

DoNotAnnoy · 10/05/2009 19:05

I think that what you are asking is fairly reasonable - given that they are the first degree relative and you are "only" second degree.

However, watching my own mother being at the beckon call of my nan 24hrs a day for her last few months of her life I can see that it may take it's toll on your parents. However, you taking the calls occassionally - will relieve the burden for them. However, I do believe that they should always be available to answer to you should you need to relay a genuine emergency message.

PieceNharmoknee · 10/05/2009 19:06

My mum does the same thing as your nan and as much as I love her it drives me crazy. After 20 phonecalls all asking the same thing I do sometimes switch my phone off. Then the guilt gets to me and I have to switch if back on. But I know if I don't answer she will ring someone else in the family, I just think tough, they can share the load for a change.

So I do think YABU.

MadameCastafiore · 10/05/2009 19:06

"I'll just keep fielding your mother's calls" - she is your grandmother too, maybe you could help out as well - your parents are probably a bit tired of having to be the ones answering the phone all of the time.

bubblagirl · 10/05/2009 19:08

i think if your nan is calling al the time mentally they need to have a bit of a break from it all its hard work being the carer as if someone is lonely and as you say early stages of dementia it can be calls over nothing alot of times in one day

dont be so hard on them they are doing good and have been consistent but cant be at her beck and call all day every day they have life to live too and deserve some them time

it really is tough emotionally caring for a loved one dont see them as being mean they just need to relax a bit

Itsjustafleshwound · 10/05/2009 19:10

Perhaps the reason for the increase in the frequency of calls is because your gran is panicked when she doesn't get a response from them?

I know it is a pain, but surely the dementia is a big reason to be on hand and cut your gran some slack?

YANBU!

bubblagirl · 10/05/2009 19:10

maybe you can say to your nan if you cant reach them then there busy so phone me maybe if you were on the receiving end all the time you would then understand it really is hard and you have to step back for your own sanity at times

ConnorTraceptive · 10/05/2009 19:10

I think they are under a lot of stress and YABU a liitle although I can understand why you would want them to be contactable.

Could you perhaps ask the to let you know in advance that they making themselves unavailable for a while so atleast you know that your nan may phone you and you don't need to try and get hold of them, just leave them a message.

They really will need your support here

GentlyDoesIt · 10/05/2009 19:13

YABU. It is very hard to deal with a needy elderly relative. Offering criticism to your parents in how they are handling it is bound to cause difficulties.

Possibly they are doing what I do with my elderly rel who uses the phone in this way - occassionally letting it go to answerphone and then picking it up 30 seconds later to check whether it's an emergency.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/05/2009 19:14

My grandad had dementia and while living alone would make upwards of 50 calls a day to my mum, at all hours of the day and night. It was too much. Far too much. And I think your comment about "your mother" was harsh. But I do think perhaps it might be time soon to talk about your grandmother's care.

Surfermum · 10/05/2009 19:15

Maybe they're of the generation that just don't "get" mobile phones. I know my parents are like this - they have one, but never take it out with them or have it charged, which defeats the object!

In fact I'm much the same, I have one but I don't have it close by all the time and I'm forever missing calls and texts, and I can go a good couple of days before I realise that the battery has gone flat.

She may not be deliberately being out of contact, she is just used to not relying on a mobile phone maybe?

bigchris · 10/05/2009 19:22

yabu
I don't have my mobile on me in the garden either
why can't you help them out a bit?

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 10/05/2009 19:25

I think YANBU over this, I think you should offer to help, maybe do "shifts" on who is answering the phone but your parents should have discussed it with you in the first place instead of just acting like children.

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/05/2009 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stillenacht · 10/05/2009 19:30

I think YAB a little bit U

Your parents prob need a break i would guess from it all.

Original poster

StripeyOss · 10/05/2009 19:43

I dont know what some of you were reading there, but all i'm asking them for is they keep a phone on them that if there is an EMERGENCY, that i can get them straight away instead of having to leave messages all over and hope they get it!

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/05/2009 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FrannyandZooey · 10/05/2009 19:48

yes i think YABU

PieceNharmoknee · 10/05/2009 19:48

People did manage to live before mobile phones were invented. Its not essential that people carry a phone with them everywhere they go.

ilovetochat · 10/05/2009 19:49

but you didnt phone them for an emergency, you phoned and questioned where they had been and why they didnt have the phone and stressed them about having a short break in the garden.
yabu, you need to share the load with them a bit.

GentlyDoesIt · 10/05/2009 19:50

If there is an emergency, wouldn't your grandmother would use her red button? Sure, her next of kin would need to be informed as quickly as possible, but unless they live with your grandmother your parents can't be relied on for 24 hour on-call nursing care in additional to many many phone calls to entertain and provide emotional support, can they?

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh. I know that when an elderly relative is being very demanding, it can make everyone feel defensive and as though they're not doing their best, even when they are. That's probably exactly how your Mum felt today, and perhaps you're feeling that way too?

GentlyDoesIt · 10/05/2009 19:52

Why is it that when I am trying to be diplomatic I say things like "in additional" and "wouldn't your grandmother would?"

ConnieComplaint · 10/05/2009 19:52

YANBU.

Dh's gran is also in the early stages of dementia, it's difficult

She has 2 daughters who both live close by, but MIL (her eldest daughter) rarely answers her phonecalls either.

And it's not good enough that she calls me or Sh or even SIL, as it's actually MIL she's after!!

It makes no difference if I call by 10 times a day... it's MIL she will ask for!!

MIL has no patience with her, no compassion whatsoever...and spends all her time trying to convince her that she's be better off in a home.... when MIL goes on holidays (for about a month at a time) Dh, SIL & I take it in turns to see gran, make her dinner etc....but she counts down the days til MIL is home!!

Her other daughter is so good to her, visits every day, bathes her, cooks her dinner....but, you guessed it....she asks for MIL!

ConnieComplaint · 10/05/2009 19:54

GRan has a red button too... and MIL is listed as her next of kin.. yet if there's an emergency I get called at work as MIL never answers her phone.

I DO get where you're coming from, all you want is your mum to answer her mobile when you cal, hardly a lot to ask for!!

spicemonster · 10/05/2009 19:56

It's not a very easy OP to read to be honest because you're saying two different things. First you're saying that you don't want to have to field calls for your parents (which isn't what you want people's opinions about, true but you mentioned it so you're going to get them). And I think YABU about that. I have an elderly grandmother too and we try and share the load among us all. It's bloody exhausting otherwise.

Second, you're asking your parents to get a special phone that you can contact them on in an emergency seeing as they're not great at answering their other phones. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Having said all that, it might not be a bad idea to sit down calmly and discuss how you're going to cope with your gran going forward - if she's wearing your parents out calling all hours of the day and night, it might be time to start looking at alternative accommodation for her.

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