Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neither me or DH think so, what about you guys?

58 replies

StripeyOss · 10/05/2009 19:00

I have an elderly grandmother, she's got early stage dementia and lives on her own.

She calls my parents a lot, and just recently, if she cant get hold on them has been ringing me and basically treating me like my parents Secretary/Diary Keeper and wanting to know where they are, what they're doing and when they'll be back.

Today i tried to call them to let them know Nan was after them and couldnt get a response from either the house phone or dads mobile... which is a work mobile so switched off out of work hours.. he just checks the messages every now and again.. so we're talking it could be 3-4hrs before he gets one you've left on it.

Later, we went over and asked where they'd been and why hadnt they called us back and as it turned out they'd been in the garden, heard the phone and thought it was Nan and not bothered picking up

As not being able to get them when Nans phoned me has happened a few times, i made a simple request.

That they keep moms mobile on them and SWITCHED ON at all times when they're out so that if Nan cant get hold of them and calls me in an emergency, that i can phone them and get them immediately... i wouldnt use the number unless it was a REAL emergency.

They refused and i actually got into an argument with my mother over it, they seem to feel just using dads mobile and checking the messages is good enough.

I asked what the point in mom having a mobile was (she's always had one) if its just left in the house and never used!

They refused again so i said "fine, i'll just keep fielding your mothers calls because you can't be bothered to answer the phone to her"

Mom snapped something about me bein a martyr and stormed off back in the house

AIBU? Mom and Dad are on Nans emergency call list if she has an accident (she's got one of those red button things in her house) but i get called if they're not available.

I really dont think IABU to ask they have a phone i can ALWAYS get them on if that happens.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 10/05/2009 19:56

YANBU

What is the point of them bneing emergency contacts if they don't bother answering their phone?

scottishmummy · 10/05/2009 19:57

understand your consternation and concerns BUT your parents are adults wholly responsible for their actions and decision making.if they chose not to have 24/7 availability that is up to them

perhaps they are tired/stressed/just need a wee break.

cajoling and arguing with them most likely wont change their behaviour/choices - probably make things more entrenched

essentially you do what you want and allow them to do likewise,even if you don't concur with decision

Triggles · 10/05/2009 19:57

YANBU - if they are stressing over her calls, they should make arrangements with you PRIOR to being unavailable - like saying ok on this day and this day of the week, we're going to be out, can you take her calls? And then they can still keep the mobile on in case of emergency.

But the point is, if they are on her contact list for emergencies, they should be able to be reached. end of.

Original poster
StripeyOss · 10/05/2009 19:57

ilovetochat - No, it wasnt an emergency today, but it could have been.. and they were uncontactable for four hours! The fact they were just in the garden ignoring the phone is neither here nor there in the scheme of things... they could have been out somewhere.

OP posts:
qwertpoiuy · 10/05/2009 19:59

YABU. My mother shared the burden of looking after my grandmother and I used to help her to take the burden off her - and my dcs were small at the time.
Instead of being furious with your parents, help them out.

stillenacht · 10/05/2009 20:00

agree with qwertpoiuy - am loving your name too qwertpoiuy - oooo its feels good qwertpoiuy

Sorry OP

warthog · 10/05/2009 20:02

but - you tried to get them today and it wasn't an emergency. so are you promising to only call them in an emergency from tomorrow onwards?

yabu - i think your parents just needed a break and enjoy their garden a bit. so your nan phoned you instead. now you know what they deal with day in day out.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/05/2009 20:04

If there were an emergency, would you (or another family member) be able/prepared to deal with it? Does it have to be them, on call 24 hours a day?

For my mum it was, because her sisters and her and their children did not live locally. It was a huge pressure, and not a manageable one in the end.

DoNotAnnoy · 10/05/2009 20:14

I think that (having seen my mum in teh same situation as your parents)

It is NOT UNREASONABLE (but not necessarily reasonable IYSWIM) that they screen for calls from your nan/switch off for a short period as long as there is someone else (e.g. you) who can take emergency calls. By the sounds of it - although you would rather that this doesn't happen - you are not necessarily asking if this aspect of your OP is unreasonable.

If I understand your OP correctly - you are asking if it is unreasonable that you can't get hold of your parents (to relay emergency messages). I am of the same opinion as you here - they should be a bit more prepared to acknowledge that there is good reason for you needing to be able to contact them

qwertpoiuy · 10/05/2009 20:16

Thank you, Stillenacht - at least I never spell it wrong when logging in!

Original poster
StripeyOss · 10/05/2009 20:16

Nans Emergency contacts are my Uncle as he's closest, then my Dad.

she has my phonenumber incase my parents are unreachable because i usually know where they are, and if i dont, only live 10mins away and can drive over to my parents house to see if they're in.

OP posts:
ilovetochat · 10/05/2009 20:20

stripey, i get your point it could have been an emergency but noone can be on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. if they have your nan phoning all the time and then you phoning and wanting them to carry a special phone too it is a lot of pressure on them.

Me and my mom looked after my nan when she was ill after a stroke and were her emergency number for her red cord and we answered a million calls and biked it 2 miles to her house for emergencys all the time, which turned out to be mail she didnt understand or the tv not working cos she had the wrong remote. and we biked there when she had real emergencies like falls, strokes etc and never minded at all. but there were times when we were in the garden and didnt have a mobile and werent contactable or had to have a holiday and then the 2nd contacts had to take a turn and we were very grateful but didnt feel like we had to phone the 2nd contact every time we were going to the shop just in case.

KirstyJC · 10/05/2009 20:22

YABU and YANBU at the same time....It sounds to me like your parents are at breaking point with this...and you're not too far off!

Caring for someone with dementia (and they are caring, even though they are providing emotional support only) is hugely draining - and people tend to get horribly defensive because of the guilt they feel at not being able to make it better.

How about you ask them to tell you when they are turning the mobile off so you know what to say to your Gran? That way you will know when she is likely to call you, and they will get a break sometimes.

If they aren't already involved, the Community Mental Health Team may be able to offer you and your family some extra support (ask your GP).

I hope things get a bit eaier to manage - it is hard enough to deal with a relative with demtentia without having additional family problems. Good luck

hatwoman · 10/05/2009 20:23

I'm not going to say whether yabu or not. too loaded a question with too much potential to upset. what I will say, fwiw, is that the current situation doesn't seem to be working (for anyone) and that the adults involved need to work out a new way of dealing with it. your parents need a break sometimes and you need the reassurance of knowing you can contact them in a genuine emergency. imo the obvious thing to do is to have a genuine emergency phone - a new mobile number for your parents, that you have, and the red button people have but your grandma doesn;t. and agreement from you parents that it doesn;t get switched off or left unanswered. and agreement from you that it will only be used in a genuine emergency. it would also be good to plan a bit - someone else said your parants could let you know when they're having a bit of a break (and they do need one sometimes) and you could offer to take calls then. you could even look into having calls diverted sometimes. it's a difficult situation and it would be good if you could pull together - the reality is that it's almost certainly going to get worse. you could pick up the phone now, call your mum and ask if you can have a calm chat and come to some form of agreement.

hatwoman · 10/05/2009 20:26

[hatwoman wonders why qwertpoiuy isn't called qwertyuiop but still admires the name]

TotalChaos · 10/05/2009 20:27

agree with Kirsty. YANBU to want a way to contact them in case of real emergency, but YABU to think they aren't entitled uninterrupted time. Try and discuss something amicably say so maybe your folks have set hours agreed with you in advance when they are off the phone

namebacon · 10/05/2009 20:32

YABU - nobody has to answer their phone or front door bell, it's optional. If they don't wanna answer they don't have to answer. Why on earth should your parents be available to you by telephone 24 hours a day 7 days a week 52 weeks a year on the off chance that one day, there might be an emergency.

If there's an emergency with your gran, ring an ambulance. If it's not an emergency it can wait.

You sound like a selfish and demanding child.

saintmaybe · 10/05/2009 20:33

Why do you need to call your parents, or drive 10 mins to their house? Can't you sort out emergencies yourself?

edam · 10/05/2009 20:41

wow, namebacon, don't hold back there, tell us what you REALLY think!

Stripey, I can see why you are frustrated. You all need to be working together on this - currently your parents are dropping you in it without warning you. As others have said, would be better if they could let you know when they need to be out of reach for a while.

(Also wondering why Qwerty's not in the right order..)

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 10/05/2009 20:45

namebacon, it's not really about her parents being available to her it's about her parents being available to THEIR parents 24/7. You know the parents who looked after them 24/7 when they were babies.

Whilst I agree the OP should help out her parents her parents should be adult enough to ask her.

namebacon · 10/05/2009 20:47

I was asked what I thought so I told.

I've got a suspicion the OPs parents are a tad fed up of demanding parents and children and wanted to spend a couple of peaceful hours on a sunny Sunday in their garden.

stillenacht · 10/05/2009 20:48

I sort of have the same opinion as namebacon. OP comes across as a bit of a stroppy DD.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 10/05/2009 20:50

I don't get this, if I said my baby was too demanding so I was just going to leave it in his cot all afternoon whilst I spend a couple of peaceful hours in the the garden there would be outrage but apparently it's ok to abandon your elderly sick parents.

MmeLindt · 10/05/2009 20:52

I think that your parents are being unreasonable. If they really want a break from your gran they should leave your mum's phone on with the ringer off, and arrange with you beforehand that they are needing an afternoon off. That way, you can contact them if you need to (in case of a REAL emergency) but they have a break without feeling guilty.

orangehead · 10/05/2009 20:56

I think you all being unreasonable. Your poor nan. How scarey do you think it is for her? I know it is hard work and emotionally draining, we looked after my nan for ten years with Alzheimer's disease. She is your nan amd your mums mum. I'm sure she found it challenging the 24 hr care she gave your mum as a baby and young child. She is family and if your own daughter and granddaughter are trying to get out of getting calls from her at a time when she is probably very scared at what is going on, I feel very very sorry for her

Swipe left for the next trending thread