Neither me or DH think so, what about you guys?

[StripeyOss]

I have an elderly grandmother, she's got early stage dementia and lives on her own.

She calls my parents a lot, and just recently, if she cant get hold on them has been ringing me and basically treating me like my parents Secretary/Diary Keeper and wanting to know where they are, what they're doing and when they'll be back.

Today i tried to call them to let them know Nan was after them and couldnt get a response from either the house phone or dads mobile... which is a work mobile so switched off out of work hours.. he just checks the messages every now and again.. so we're talking it could be 3-4hrs before he gets one you've left on it.

Later, we went over and asked where they'd been and why hadnt they called us back and as it turned out they'd been in the garden, heard the phone and thought it was Nan and not bothered picking up

As not being able to get them when Nans phoned me has happened a few times, i made a simple request.

That they keep moms mobile on them and SWITCHED ON at all times when they're out so that if Nan cant get hold of them and calls me in an emergency, that i can phone them and get them immediately... i wouldnt use the number unless it was a REAL emergency.

They refused and i actually got into an argument with my mother over it, they seem to feel just using dads mobile and checking the messages is good enough.

I asked what the point in mom having a mobile was (she's always had one) if its just left in the house and never used!

They refused again so i said "fine, i'll just keep fielding your mothers calls because you can't be bothered to answer the phone to her"

Mom snapped something about me bein a martyr and stormed off back in the house

AIBU? Mom and Dad are on Nans emergency call list if she has an accident (she's got one of those red button things in her house) but i get called if they're not available.

I really dont think IABU to ask they have a phone i can ALWAYS get them on if that happens.

I feel sorry for the gran too. What was she doing on her own on a Sunday anyway. Maybe next Sunday the OP could invite them all round for a roast dinner.

What do yuo think people did before mobiles?
I don't use a mobile and I never answer incoming calls unless i know who it is and the sky hasn't fallen in yet.
I would really resent someone expecting me to be on call all hours.

YANBU - my grandma now has alzheimers and is in a home but was very hard in the first stages.

They SHOULD be available at all times in case of an emergency OR should ask you beforehand if they need a break so you are prepared to field your Nan's calls.

HAve they approached the GP about possible home help to relieve the burden?

It is a horrible situation, awful - I feel for you

agree with mmelindt,if theyve agreed theyre number is first call on her red button thing ,yes they might need a break but should let someone-like you know that theyre unavailable.

when my mother in law was ill she had one o those button call necklaces and we were second on call,bil was first but never in and when he was he never answered.half the time it wasnt an emergency but the other half it was.i admit i did need a break from time to time and(i shouldnt say but will because its a bloody hard job)it could be frustrating at times but she was my mother in law,i loved her and i was there for her whenever she needed me-full stop.

Difficult one - it must be really hard on your parents, and they probably need a break at some stage if this is pretty persistent.

Remember too, that it must be emotionally very difficult for your Mum to see her mother declining mentally. However, by ignoring her calls, your parents are forcing the situation on you without discussing it with you first.

Is there potential to divide some of the responsibility between you? For example, you could have a dedicated mobile for your Nan to ring, and you & your parents arrange between you to have someone always available to answer it. It is probably quite stressful & panicking for your Nan not to know if she will be able to get through to someone.

Hope things get better.

The reason i cant help is because of several things.

a)I have a newborn and a 3yo
b)I dont always have the Car
c)If we get a call its not for help, she HAS help, thats what the button is for.. its to notify us there's a problem and that dad and uncle need to get over there.

Stripey, YANBU at all! Dealing with dementia can be really hard, and your Nan needs to know that she can reach someone when she needs to, however often that might be. If that is your parents and uncle, then they need to accept that or make other arrangements for her such as a care home or live-in help. My mum has dementia and had to go into a home a few years ago. However, my dad is often unobtainable by phone due to silly things like you mention - being in the garden all morning and not hearing the phone etc. I live about three hours away and, like you, have young children so can't just drop everything in an emergency. The scariest time was when mum had a stroke and had to go to hospital - the care home couldn't reach my dad or my sister who lives nearby so they called me. I was beside myself with worry nearly all day while Dad was blissfully unaware.

I hope you don't have a major falling out with them as this illness is stressful for all of the family. Good luck

YANBU at all. IMHO your parents ought to be glad that they have a daughter with a practical and responsible angle on issues that may well affect THEM in the future.
They will be old one day. If they are lucky.