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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be envious of my DH?

62 replies

NoseyHelen · 09/05/2009 23:44

AIBU to be envious of my DH?

We had DD in Sept 06 and DS in Aug 08. I feel my social life has ground to a halt and I'm stuck in our 4 walls whilst DH isn't. DS is still not on a bottle so I can't really leave him and even if I could leave him we don't have babysitter due to no family locally and friends who are not interested in babysitting.

DH has lots of events planned for himself over the summer - lots of cricket, football, even helicopter rides. He asks if I'd like to join him - 'Yes, of course, but I can't leave my breast at home whilst the children look after themselves'. So, he's been kind eneough to give me first refusal on joining him but we both know I'll be at home looking after the children.

We went into town today. I never get to do this on my own, literally not for 3 years, and we ended up looking at watches for him. He already has a £1700 one but 'needs' a £200-300 watch whilst the first one is being fixed. I haven't even got a watch. We took ages over this whilst the children cranked up their crying and I said I had to go to the newsagents for some choocie (seriously, I spend half my time dehydrated and hungry). DH acted like I was being selfish, gave me the house keys and told me to go home!!!

This post isn't specifically about today. AIBU to want more from my humdrum life, to want parenthood to have affected him the same way it's affected me or would I be better off accepting that this is how it is for most women?

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 09/05/2009 23:49

why have you not been out on your own in 3 years?

ok you have a bf baby just noe but what about before that? does dh ever look after dd on his own?

will you be going out to work next year?

Original poster
NoseyHelen · 09/05/2009 23:54

I haven't been out becuase we don't have anyone to look after the children. Actually I've exaggerated though, I've been out to have my hair cut a few times.

OP posts:
violethill · 09/05/2009 23:56

You sound very resentful and possibly depressed.

As ruddynorah says, why on earth haven't you been out for 3 years? Ok, you are bf a baby, but many of us have been there - it doesn't mean your life grinds to a halt! I went back to work while bf - it's possible (though hard work) to express. And as for evenings out - find a local teenager - they are usually really keen to earn some extra money. Or join a babysitting circle if there is one, or start one up if there isn't. Loads of us don't have family on the doorstep - we make our own arrangements.

Sorry this sounds a little harsh, but you seem to have a very negative mindset about all this. Having a toddler and a baby just doesn't mean your life grinds to a halt! If you're that envious of your DH getting out of the house, then get yourself back to work. It'll mean sorting childcare, and it will be hard work for you both - but will give you more of a shared experience.

No - it doesn't have to be like this for mothers, unless you let it. But it means taking charge of your life. Have you thought about seeing your GP to investigate depression?

ruddynorah · 09/05/2009 23:57

but you have dh. did he ever have your first child while you went out? if he didn't then it's unlikely he'll have both children down the line when you stop bfing.

blossomsmine · 09/05/2009 23:58

.....Oh dear god, this doesn't sound good to me

You are still breastfeeding then? Do you not ever express? I was just thinking that then you would be able to get out abit?

As for the watch business.....my dh is a selfish pig and yours doesn't sound any better!!

You need to try to sort this out now or you are going to go insane, surely!?

JeanPoole · 09/05/2009 23:59

the youngest was born aug2008? leave them with your dh for the day and go out ds can without the bood for a few hours by now surely?

ruddynorah · 10/05/2009 00:04

yes that would make your ds what 9 months old? he'll be ok without boob for a few hours. arrange something for yourself. tell dh you're going out!

Original poster
NoseyHelen · 10/05/2009 00:06

Yes, I am a bit depressed. My HV told me to speak to GP, who in turn said he'd only do something about it if my DH came in to confirm whether I was depressed!?! That was 6 or so weeks ago. DH hasn't been in. Anyhow, the solution would be a) pills which I won't take or b) counselling (to which I'd have to take the children) so not sure there's much point.

I have looked for a local babysitting circle but no luck and all my mummy friends have local family so a babysitting circle isn't of interest to them.

My work before children was self-employed from home so if I went back to work I'd still be in these 4 walls and not earning enough to cover childcare.

I did express but DS won't take it. He has taken a total of 2oz in his entire life. It feels like breastfeeding will never end and I'm sick of trying to get him to take a bottle/cup and don't want to hear how others have done it because I've tried everything and got upset together with my son on many many occassions.

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 10/05/2009 00:10

will he sip water or milk from an open cup? ie no bottle no spout? dd never took to a bottle only straight to a sippy cup and even then an open cup was easier if slightly more messy. a shot sized glass can work really well!

i assume he's on solids anyway so will not go hungry if you were away for an afternoon?

now what about dh?

Original poster
NoseyHelen · 10/05/2009 00:12

No, DS will not take any liquid from any receptacle (sp?) from any person in any position.

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 10/05/2009 00:13

and what about your dh then? what is he doing to help you? your ds would be ok for an afternoon without milk

violethill · 10/05/2009 00:14

Right.

Go back to your GP. It's nonsense to suggest that you have to have your depression 'verified' by your DH!

However.... I can't help feeling that you are blocking every potential solution. Why wouldn't you take medication if it's prescribed? There are meds which are compatible with bf. Why wouldn't you try counselling?

The babysitting thing - find a reliable local teenager who wants to earn some extra money. I agree about baby sitting circles - when mine were small we lived in a village where everyone else seemed to have granny on call for babysitting, so no one wanted to joing a babysitting circle. So you need to get out there and find a solution.

BF won't go on forever - your baby is 9 months old so presumably is on solids and could drink from a cup.

If you hate staring at your 4 walls, why on earth, pre-children, were you working from home?!! Sounds like madness!

I think you need to have a fundamental change of mindset. There is nothing wrong with making changes! You don;t need to feel guilty. Many mothers would go mad staring at 4 walls. I know I would. I would have found it very hard to be a SAHM (couldn't afford it anyway, so no choice to make!).

Get back to the GP, and then start thinking about how you can get your life how you want it.

blossomsmine · 10/05/2009 00:15

You need to try the gp again, you do sound depressed. There is no reason at all that the doctor needs to see you dh..... I would make another appointment could you see a different doctor??

You could try the sippy cup, one of mine prefered that, it took alot of persevering but was worth it in the end.

Then you need to get your dh involved in babysitting, he really needs to help out here!

dittany · 10/05/2009 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NoseyHelen · 10/05/2009 00:18

I just don't want to take anti-depressents for personal reasons. I am not against counselling, in fact I'm very pro-counselling but I can't take children with me.

Pre-children, I didn't mind the 4 walls because I knew I could always escape.

DS does not drink from anything.

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 10/05/2009 00:19

has your dh looked after either or both of the children on his own?

violethill · 10/05/2009 00:23

Make it your mission to find a babysitter for your children while you have the counselling. A babysitter isn't going to drop into your lap - you'll have to get out there and search, and pay the going rate, but if you are determined you can do it. A counselling session won't last long, so your baby will manage without milk for that time. Good grief, many of us are out at work all day by the time the baby is 9 months, so this really isn;t a problem!

If you don't want to take anti depressants for personal reasons, then that's your choice. I think you need to take responsibility for your choices.Not meaning that in a nasty way - just that if it's that important to you not to take them, then you need to accept it may take longer to feel better - but that's your preferred option.

Original poster
NoseyHelen · 10/05/2009 00:23

He looks after them when I go to the supermarket on a Saturday morning - this is my only 'free-time' all week. How embarrassing!!!!

I think it's bedtime for me now - I just sound like an absolute saddo in this thread.

OP posts:
blossomsmine · 10/05/2009 00:24

You ds doesn't drink from anything at the moment but at some stage he will need to, you could start doing this now, for your benefit and in the end his aswell.

Some people are scared of anti depressants but if they are going to make you feel better and you are sensible i can't see the problem. But a doctor, a decent one, will surely talk you through this..??

You sound alot like many women with young children, i remember feeling quite similar at one time aswell. What you need is to find some freedom, to create some freedom if thats what it takes. You are really going to have to get your ds taking a cup or something.

I get the feeling you are so down that a small problem seems too much for you to handle right now..??

Original poster
NoseyHelen · 10/05/2009 00:25

blossomsmine - you hit the nail on the head.

Time for bed though...

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 10/05/2009 00:26

start doing your supermarket shop online when kids are in bed and use your saturday morning for your own thing.

blossomsmine · 10/05/2009 00:35

Noseyhelen, have a good nights sleep

Would love to chat with you more about this tomorrow, i am out till really late, but will check tomorrow night and see how you are.

But......if any problem is feeling too much for you and seeming like an impossible task, then it really sounds like you need some good sensible doctors advice. I know anti depressants can 'feel' scarey but they are there for a reason. Imagine not feeling how you do, imagine waking up and feeling happy and in control of your life and strong enough to organise things to your advantage..?? I would make your first step a doctors appointment (change your doctor!) and be truthful and honest when you go in.

One other thing, you are not alone with this, i think alot of mums of young children feel like this and once you get help you will be be able to take charge of other parts of your life.

Yeah, and go and demand a nice watch too!! Or some nice jewellery!!!

fleetwoodmac · 10/05/2009 09:35

hi there,

i breastfed my son till he was 4 years old - and it did mean there were some more restrictions than non-breast fed babies. so i do understand how you feel, and how attached you all are. i think there is a sense in which when children are as young as yours this sense of attachment is perfectly natural, and good for the children, though i know not everyone experiences that or agrees with that.

however, i guess if your husband can afford a £1700 watch, you could afford a nice, reliable babysitter, say once or twice a week, that the children get to know?

i was single and penniless when i started therapy (my son was 18 months), so childcare was a total no-no and i had to find some free therapy too. my baby actually sat on my lap for the first month or two, absolutely not ideal, but what was the choice? in the end i found a more suitable arrangement. i am sure you will start finding solutions. usually i find when i start positing problems/questions, and they are out in the open, i am already half way to finding the answer.

YorkshireRose · 10/05/2009 09:42

Your DS really needs to learn how to take liquids from somewhere other than a breast. He is 9mo.

I sympathise with the problem of getting a breastfed baby to take a bottle or a cup. It can be hard, i had a similar problem with my DD at 5mo. But you must persist, for his sake and your sanity. Have you asked for advice from HV or friends on how to do this?

Springfleurs · 10/05/2009 09:52

You don't sound like a saddo at all, you sound sad, which is very different.

Also you sound just like me a couple of years ago when I was very depressed. When you are depressed you will block any positive ideas because you can hear what people are saying but you just don't feel that it applys to you, you can't feel it iyswim.

I was in exactly this position a couple of years ago, right down to your ds refusing to drink from a bottle or cup. My dd breastfed till nearly 15 months and never once took a bottle or drank from a cup. Some babies just won't.

One thing I will say to you is this, if you don't force your dh to start pulling his weight with regards to childcare it really will get worse. With me and ex h it got to the point where he became annoyed about even being asked because he was so used to me doing everything. I know it is hard and you probably don't even feel like going out, so much easier just to stay in, but set a precedent NOW because later on it will be more difficult to change.

He sounds rather selfish tbh. I got to the point where I actually felt guilty and would apologise if I asked exh to have the dc while I went out or if I wanted to buy something expensive. Please don't get to that point because if you do it becomes almost impossible to turn it around.

Sometimes things are against you. I know people on her say "Oh get a babysitter" etc but I know how hard that can be. I have no family nearby and no money for babysitters. Babysitting circles? Not in the area I live in and so on. Your children have two parents, MAKE him pull his weight.

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