AIBU to be envious of my DH?

[NoseyHelen]

AIBU to be envious of my DH?

We had DD in Sept 06 and DS in Aug 08. I feel my social life has ground to a halt and I'm stuck in our 4 walls whilst DH isn't. DS is still not on a bottle so I can't really leave him and even if I could leave him we don't have babysitter due to no family locally and friends who are not interested in babysitting.

DH has lots of events planned for himself over the summer - lots of cricket, football, even helicopter rides. He asks if I'd like to join him - 'Yes, of course, but I can't leave my breast at home whilst the children look after themselves'. So, he's been kind eneough to give me first refusal on joining him but we both know I'll be at home looking after the children.

We went into town today. I never get to do this on my own, literally not for 3 years, and we ended up looking at watches for him. He already has a £1700 one but 'needs' a £200-300 watch whilst the first one is being fixed. I haven't even got a watch. We took ages over this whilst the children cranked up their crying and I said I had to go to the newsagents for some choocie (seriously, I spend half my time dehydrated and hungry). DH acted like I was being selfish, gave me the house keys and told me to go home!!!

This post isn't specifically about today. AIBU to want more from my humdrum life, to want parenthood to have affected him the same way it's affected me or would I be better off accepting that this is how it is for most women?

Agree Springfleurs - babysitters are expensive and its ridiculous to have to pay out for them when her DH is there!

The problem is he is using BF as excuse for not being able to babysit. Would be much easier if she could get this sorted out.

I breastfed to well over 12 mnoths with all 5 children but I also worked full time. Why not return to full tiem work. That often cheers women up and you'll have more than enough money to buy your own watches and much more equality at home. Never mind therapy, depression, your husband - just go out and get a job like most women with under 5s do.

Not sure it's most women with under 5s work full time, but does anyone know the statistics?

Oh! I really feel for you. You seem to be in the middle of a mess and can't see your way out.
Get a piece of paper write down the suggestions here.
Work your way through them.
Don't dismiss things some things are impossible but even more so if you don't give them ago Experiment with new ideas.
Give them longer than one or two times.
Your DH doesn't come across as selfish, just you haven't told him what you need or want Men are not mind readers TELL HIM!
Mine brought me a handbag after I asked not a sexy one. a practical across shoulder. He wasn't impressed but happy that he could provide for his family.
With his money you can pay for a topnotch babysitter. etc....
Sometimes change means feeling uncomfortable.
Remember it take a village to bring up children go out and find that village. It's hard but the best things in life means a little struggle.

Whatever you do, do go back to a different doctor and try again. And then consider making a complaint against the first one - I won't believe you're depressed until your husband says so? WTF?

You are (and I don't mean this harshly, so please don't take offence) putting up obstacles to sorting this out for yourself. This is in itself a symptom of depression, but it needs working on. Your DS will have to drink out of a cup at some stage. Perhaps your husband is the person to persevere on this while you're out - if your DS is thirsty and there's no boob in sight he may need to accept there's no other option?

BTW, how's your money divided up? Does your husband keep most of his wage for himself? I'm slightly perturbed by this watch situation...

NoseyHelen - I agree with Springfleurs - you are obviously depressed, which is horrible for you, and this means that you're not able to deal practically with your problems at the moment. Go to your GP again, or ask to see a different GP (with the kids in tow if necessary) and be honest with him/her, and CRY - he/she will do something, I promise. As for your DH - well, what would he do if you were so poleaxed with depression that you couldn't get out of bed??? I'm not suggesting that you put on an act, but he really needs to man up and accept responsibility for his children, and to help his wife - that is part of his job as your husband. Do you ever cry when you're with him? What does he say?
Could the breastfeeding be making you feel more tired? Could you try introducing one bottle of formula that your DH could give the baby? (If he's that thirsty he WILL take it eventually, even if it takes days, and you would still be able to breastfeed for as long as you wanted to ...)
Let us know how you're feeling today. There's lots of advice and support on here, but I honestly think the first thing you should do is get yourself down to the doctor's pronto. Some counselling services do let you leave your kids with the receptionist, or have toys for kids etc. Some of them actually come to visit your in your home. Your GP should have a list, or go through the Yellow Pages. It isn't always easy to find them, but there are resources there for you. x x

xenia, i think some of your comments are pretty obnoxious.

i think this is quite a sad thread in some ways, but lots of mothers have experienced aspects of this, and can help each other. i hope its not going to deteriorate into instructions, commands, and insensitive 'get a life, 'get a job' jabs.

by the way, lots of women who work do not have equality at home, some even have less. a woman with a baby IMO cannot be "equal" in the way you say anyway - she has a dependant and needs suppport!!!!

Ilovemydog - Xenia is right. From the ONS figures from 2008

"Of working-age women with children aged under five, 57 per cent were in employment. This compared with 71 per cent for those whose youngest child was aged five to ten and 78 per cent whose youngest child was aged 11 to 15."

www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=1655

Although reading Fleetwoodmac's comment - when I said Xenia was right, I meant on the assertion that most women with under-5s work.

While I think that having the structure of a job can be helpful for some people with depression, I would never describe it as a cure-all. And I'm not sure in this case it would necessarily help.

NoseyHelen Good luck. We all have our obstacles. Mine is sitting here instead of excercising, making the bed. I hating my job (so don't feel guilt about not working ha ha!)not studying to be a tourist guide even though I really really want to. Having to do more hours at work to support my family.
Comedy far as I'm concerned it the best antidote. Hunt it out were ever you can find it!
You are not alone, just we all have different problems as varied as our DNA!

OK, but that's in employment, rather than full time employment.

Am happy to be wrong, but I thought that most women with children under 5 are part time workers?

Yep! I'm part-time.

Xenia is very forthright in the way she says things, but she's got a point. When someone is depressed, they do block any possible ways to improve the situation.

A 9 month old probably won't drink from a cup if he's never had to, because mum is always available 24/7 with a boob. If you aren't available, that baby will learn alternatives! It's a simple fact!! I continues bf all mine til they were over a year, but i worked too. I expressed, or they drank from a cup.

Money doesn't seem to be a huge problem (£1200 watch ) so pay a babysitter. Go out for an evening with your DH. And get him to babysit so you can have a night out yourself.

A mother who is never separated from her children, who never goes anywhere, is probably going to make the husband feel pretty sidelined. Yes, the OP's husband may well be a selfish git - but I imagine if I were him, I'd also feel pretty sidelined because he clearly is never expected to look after his own kids.

Exercise is an effective treatment for depression in many cases - how about going for a 30 minute run befor your dh leaves for work in the morning even if you have to get up at 5am to do it?

OR do a workout video in the evening?

I think you need energy to get out of your rut and the depression means you haven't got that energy - so tackle the depression first.

And try writing a big "wish list" of what you would like to be able to do at the moment that you can't. Then try to see how you can start to do one or two of the things and build up. Online shopping is a great suggestion to give you a free couple of hhours on a Saturday.

NoseyHelen - Re DS not drinking from a cup.. which sort have you tried?

It really may just be a matter of finding one he can get on with.. perhaps the best thing to do is to see if you can get him drinking from a bottle.. one like the tommee tippee closer to nature bottles.

If not, and you'd rather try a cup, there is one thats again, Tommee tippee but its a 'Nuby' and it has a silicone teat and my DS found it much easier once he started bottle refusing at 11mo

You might want to start working on moving him to taking an expressed bottle or cup now. It might take a little bit, but at least you know you have a goal in mind which will give you more freedom.

As far as your DH is concerned, him looking after the kids is not "babysitting" them, it's called parenting. Talk to him and tell (don't ask - TELL) him that you need time to yourself regularly each week - maybe a 1/2 day on the weekend so you can go into town and at least one evening during the week where he can handle the bedtime routine and you can relax a bit (soak in the tub, have a glass of wine, whatever). And the first day you go into town, buy yourself a watch!

Oh, and in regards to your GP - go back into the office, demand to see a different GP, and don't leave until they have done something to help you with the depression! And then make a complaint about the original GP that felt your DH needed to verify it - that is absolutely not appropriate!

Erm you sound depressed but you don't sound like you have medical depression it sounds like you have a selfish wanker for a DH, for which there are 2 cures. Either stand up for yourself or leave him. I suggest the former before the latter. By acting like a downtrodden housewife you are allowing him to act like a selfish wanker.

At 9 months even if your DS isn't taking any other liquid from any other person you can still leave him for 3-4 hours (if not longer).

Also why can't you take your DC to the football/cricket etc? DS was watching cricket at 5 days old and was taken to a premiership rughy match at about 3 months.

How often does your DS feed? If he is Bf even every 3 hours you can get out and if I were you I would, just for the sake of getting out. Go for a walk, nip to the shops, leave both children with your "d"H...

Morning Nosey Helen

There are 3 parts to your post:

1. Your lack of social time

Do you go to any groups during the week with the children? have any mummy friends?

Why not do things with them as well as the children during the summer - plan days out to the beach/train rides/local museums or even fun at home - a picnic in the garden, a sports day, a bbq etc - Do 1 or 2 of these each week and put them in the diary, that way you'll have plenty of things to look forward to this summer too.

You said you had friends who weren't interested in babysitting - would they mind coming to you with takeout and wine on one of the evenings that DH/P is out so that again; you have something to look forward to, you have some social time and you don't need a babysitter?

1. Your son

How many feeds are you giving your 9 month old during the day? Is it on demand or at set times?

I agree that he will drink from a cup or a bottle if that is the only thing on offer. I have worked in a nursery where parents have been upset saying their child will only drink juice out of a bottle and actually been surprised to see them drink water out of an open tommy tippy cup weeks later, and nannied for a child who wouldn't hold their bottle and wanted the adult to do it - would kick up a fuss if you didn't - but I held her hands around it and she had to hold onto it as I wasn't going to sit and feed her as she was old enough to do it herself.

1. Your husband

How much quality time do you have as a family? as a couple? Is this part of the resentment?

I would suggest sitting down and having a date night - even if it has to be at home - but think a babysitter could def watch the children if they were asleep upstairs. and discuss anything but the children/grievances/bills etc.

I would also do a lot more family bonding - if ds is only fed by you - whats the bond like between father and son / also father and daughter - it sounds like he feels pushed out. Give the children time for 1 on 1 time or even just family time - ie at the beach, local park, playground, or go and mumsnet whilst they play in the garden/he does lunch etc - and let him be the parent/boss don't butt in and tell him he's doing it wrong etc

Excellent advice there twims.

Thanks everyone for your advice and tips.

On what kind of bottle etc: I have tried a huge range of bottles, cups, teats etc. He will actually play with DD's cups but won't drink. I've nto tried for a month because it was a daily stress that I decided to do without for a while.

GP: the one I saw is actually the good one at my practice and I have to admit I was astonished at what he said. He said more that was even worse but best not go there. I think I have to go back though and tough it out with him. However, are pills the answer. What's the point spending lots of time making organic home-made meals for DS if I'm going to give him breastmilk with anti-D in them. I'm going to work on what Twims has recommended.

Money: I am 'paid' a 6 monthly housekeeping budget. If I need more I can have more but I rarely spend anything on myself. I haven't got time to think about what I want for me, let alone go and buy it. I am also uncomfortable spending money on me and yes, I know what a therapist would make of that! DH has never refused a request for money and when I'm finally out of my 3 years of maternity and breastfeeding clothes he is funding some nice new clothes, if only I had half an idea what fashion is these days.

Social life: DH and I have no shared social life, I feel that I've lost my non-mummy friends too so trapped in this boring hum drum world.

DH and DS: they have had limited nice time together because DS only wanted me but in the last few weeks DS has started to smile and giggle with DH and finally DH is softening towards him. I'm sure soon DS will only have eyes for daddy and his first word will be 'dadda'.

Anyway, have to go, dinner is ready - see. DH isn't as bad as he's been painted here. My thread was about how envious I am not what a @rse he is!

Actually that post made your DH sound even more of an arse, but as much as it's easy to blame your DH it's you who lets it happen.

I honestly am not sure you have actual depression rather than just being depressed about how your life is at the moment, something you can do something about.

Good Luck.