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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend that I'm upset with her?

52 replies

DaisyOinkSwiner · 08/05/2009 11:02

Ds2 was admitted to hospital on Tuesday night after vomiting up blood and for severe dehydration. On Wednesday morning dh phoned a friend of mine, L, and asked her if she could look after ds3 after preschool as he had to go to work (taking time off would have been very very difficult for him). To put it into context, I have looked after her preschooler on several occasions for less 'serious' reasons such as her going shopping, dentist's appointments etc etc at the drop of a hat.

She told him that it wasn't convenient because she was taking her ds to have his eyes tested. Now personally, I wouldn't have hesitated in the same situation and I feel quite hurt that she didn't feel able to help us out at a worrying and stressful time. I thought we were friends, but I'm questioning whether it's a bit of a one-way thing.

I'm not the sort of person to let things fester and if I'm upset about something I'll generally say so - not in a nasty way, I would just say 'L, I'm feeling a bit hurt that you wouldn't look after ds3, I would have done for you'. But maybe I'm being unfair to her or perhaps I should just keep my gob shut? What does the Mumsnet jury think?

OP posts:

Original poster

DaisyOinkSwiner · 08/05/2009 11:04

Just in case it's unclear, I was in the hospital with ds2, which is why ds3 needed to go home with someone else after preschool.

OP posts:

MayorNaze · 08/05/2009 11:05

did she know why you needed your ds looked after?

TrillianAstra · 08/05/2009 11:06

How small are your ds3 and her ds? If she has an appointment to get her ds's eyes tested and they need a buggy or carseats or something then it's preferctly reasonable for her to say no.

Presumably you looked after her ds 'at the drop of a hat' because it happened to be convenient/easy for you to do so.

So, assuming that taking your ds3 along to the eye appointment would have been difficult/awkward, YABabitU.

(hope your ds2 is feeling better now)

MummyDragon · 08/05/2009 11:07

YANBU at all. Surely she could have taken your ds3 along with her for her ds's eye test? (As an aside, I'm curious to know how seriously ill your children would need to be for your DH to actually take some time off work. That would be worrying me a bit more, frankly - although I realise that jobs are not necessarily secure due to the recession etc and I am not trying to criticise your DH at all, just wondering if it's something you might like to address with him now that the panic is over?).

I hope your Ds2 has recovered - it must have been a horrifying experience for all of you, hope all is well now x

BoysAreLikeDogs · 08/05/2009 11:07

YABU she already had plans, and although you think that she would have been able to accomodate your child she obv didn't think so.

Sorry your child was poorly

malovitt · 08/05/2009 11:08

I would do anything, inconvenient or not, for someone who had a child in hospital. End of.

MummyDragon · 08/05/2009 11:09

P.S. Yes, speak to her but 1) do it when you are feeling totally calm, and 2) be prepared for her to overreact/shout at you/get upset etc - because that's what a lot of us do when we're feeling under attack! x

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/05/2009 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

traceybath · 08/05/2009 11:10

Well i personally wouldn't say anything but perhaps you may want to cut back on looking after her dc.

Perhaps she thought your DH should have taken the time off work or perhaps she didn't appreciate the seriousness of the situation.

She may have had a good reason that she didn't want to share with your DH.

I'd just move on if i were you.

cory · 08/05/2009 11:12

Eye tests with young children can actually be quite stressful, particularly if eye drops are used. Some children get absolutely hysterical. I'm not sure I'd want another child there tbh. Not the same as taking them to the park or round the shops at all.

I understand it made life difficult for you, but I really wouldn't mention it to her.

TotalChaos · 08/05/2009 11:13

not sure on this one. out of interest, do you know if it was a bog standard high st opticians type appointment, or a hospital/clinic type appointment?

etchasketch · 08/05/2009 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos · 08/05/2009 11:14

cory - you read my mind there, I was just thinking along those lines - as my experience of hospital type eye appointments is drops/longish waits etc so I could understand not wanting a pre-schooler around.

Original poster

DaisyOinkSwiner · 08/05/2009 11:18

Yes, she knew why my ds needed to be looked after, dh told her.

I don't have a problem with dh not taking time off work - he is madly busy at the moment and it would have caused major problems for him. We weren't massively worried about ds2 once the doctor had seen him on Tuesday night and reassured us that the blood in vomit wasn't serious and the dehydration would resolve itself once he'd had IV fluids (although I wouldn't have left him in hospital on his own) Dh has in the past dropped everything and driven hundreds of miles when one of the other children was taken into hospital.

Oh and it was 'just' the 3-4 year eye check (my ds3 is 3 btw, hers is 4) - no drops involved. I have in the past taken another child to one.

As it was, another friend offered to look after ds3, so it worked out OK, I just feel hurt that she felt unable to put herself out a tiny bit for me. To me, that's what friends do, they put themselves out even when it isn't 100% convenient and I wouldn't have hesitated in the same situation.

OP posts:

MummyDragon · 08/05/2009 11:20

In that case, Daisy, YAdefinitelyNBU.

smee · 08/05/2009 11:22

Depends on the eye test and how important it is/ age of that child, etc. I had to take DS for eye tests and it was horrendous and very stressful. You most definitely wouldn't want another child to cope with at the same time. Also depends on how far she had to take her child? We had to go miles to a hospital clinic.

traceybath · 08/05/2009 11:22

Well if she is generally a good friend i'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe she had some embarassing illness she just didn't want to discuss with your Dh.

Has she been in contact since?

dingledangle · 08/05/2009 11:22

Hello

YANBU to tell you friend that you are upset with her.

Whether she was being unreasonable depends on her explanation as to why she unable to look after your DC.

mumto3boys · 08/05/2009 11:23

I wouldn't say anything TBH, but chalk it up to experience. I have come across people like this and at least you know where you stand now. My DT's have had numerous emergency hospital admissions and although some people always say they would be there in an emergency, they never are. Where as I am the local drop in centre for children whose mums have hair appointments and the like.

Glad you lo is ok now, must have been very scary.

smee · 08/05/2009 11:24

Must have posted same time - thing is Daisy, I still think she could have a point. Even with standard tests, my son's a nightmare to get into the doctors, etc and it just wouldn't work to take another child with me. Is your lo okay now? Really hope so. x

Original poster

DaisyOinkSwiner · 08/05/2009 11:25

Oh, and should have mentioned, that what has slightly rubbed salt into the wound in my eyes, is that she phoned me this mornining and didn't even ask how ds2 is. Had she phoned and asked after him and maybe said she was sorry she couldn't look after ds3 I would have just got over it and not said anything.

I did say 'DS2 is fine by the way, how did the eye appointment go?' so she may have a hint that I'm unhappy with her!

OP posts:

traceybath · 08/05/2009 11:26

Well i think you've got your answer - she's just not a great friend really.

Don't think it would serve any purpose in you saying you were upset with her.

But i'd keep things very casual with her in the future.

ChippingIn · 08/05/2009 11:27

Daisy - YANBU in the same situation I would have had your little one, even if it wasn't 'convenient'. I would have just taken him with us, if that wasn't possible due to car seats or something, I would have rescheduled the appt. However, not everyone is the same and for some people taking another one anywhere is a major drama - let alone to an apt. She's someone who might be nice as a casual friend, but not someone I would rely on x

MoreSpamThanGlam · 08/05/2009 11:28

I feel for you, I really do. But her child had an appointment regarding his/her health. Your child was in hospital.

If anything I think your dh was being unreasonable.

I know its difficult times, but woe betide any boss that cops the hump because an employees child is in hospital.

Im sure she would do it at any other time, but it justr wasnt convenient, and she may be worried about her childs eyesight.

MoreSpamThanGlam · 08/05/2009 11:31

Damn - just read rest of messages from you Daisy - YANBU. She is selfish

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