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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend that I'm upset with her?

52 replies

DaisyOinkSwiner · 08/05/2009 11:02

Ds2 was admitted to hospital on Tuesday night after vomiting up blood and for severe dehydration. On Wednesday morning dh phoned a friend of mine, L, and asked her if she could look after ds3 after preschool as he had to go to work (taking time off would have been very very difficult for him). To put it into context, I have looked after her preschooler on several occasions for less 'serious' reasons such as her going shopping, dentist's appointments etc etc at the drop of a hat.

She told him that it wasn't convenient because she was taking her ds to have his eyes tested. Now personally, I wouldn't have hesitated in the same situation and I feel quite hurt that she didn't feel able to help us out at a worrying and stressful time. I thought we were friends, but I'm questioning whether it's a bit of a one-way thing.

I'm not the sort of person to let things fester and if I'm upset about something I'll generally say so - not in a nasty way, I would just say 'L, I'm feeling a bit hurt that you wouldn't look after ds3, I would have done for you'. But maybe I'm being unfair to her or perhaps I should just keep my gob shut? What does the Mumsnet jury think?

OP posts:
Blu · 08/05/2009 11:40

I would have dropped almost anything to help a friend with a child in hospital.
She sounds v self-centred.

smee · 08/05/2009 11:41

She didn't even ask how your lo was?! I take it all back - that's not a friend. Ditch..

Morloth · 08/05/2009 11:49

Going to go against the flow here.

I am confused as to why you have no problem with the your DH looking after your DS but have a problem with your friend not doing so. I would expect my DH to pick up the slack in such a situation and he would, regardless of work because they are HIS KIDS.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Just don't be so available to her to babysit if you think it is not going to be reciprocated. You might have had a point if she had just said "Don't feel like it". But she already had stuff planned and your kids are not her problem.

Morloth · 08/05/2009 11:50

That should be DH NOT looking after DS, obviously.

mum23monkeys · 08/05/2009 11:51

Daisy - I think you've just found out the quality of your 'friendship'. I personally don't like falling out with people so I probably wouldn't say anything (but I'm a wimp like that) but the days of me looking after her dc would be over.

Original poster
DaisyOinkSwiner · 08/05/2009 11:56

Interesting mix of views.

Why don't I have a problem with dh not taking time off? Probably because over the years he has taken masses of time off in similar situations and I know that if it was even a possibility, he would have taken the time off. He went in late and came home early, but had to be there for the bit inbetween.

I also know that my friend's dh wouldn't take time off work in the same situation - in fact this friend rushed to the other end of the country a couple of weeks ago to see her dying grnadmother. Her dh refused to take time off and I offered to look after her ds but in the end she took him with her.

OP posts:
namebacon · 08/05/2009 12:01

I don't think you're being unreasonable because I agree, friends do put themselves out for each other and suffer some small inconveniences from time to time so really, I'd casually take a few steps back from this friendship as it obviously isn't a two-way thing.

I do think your dh should have looked after his own child though. Of course he's busy, everyone at work is busy otherwise the company would make them redundant because they weren't busy.

cory · 08/05/2009 12:02

I think under the circumstances YANBU then

InsomniacMumontheRun · 08/05/2009 12:03

I would've expected DH to look after the kids. Whether it causes him problems or not they are his children and he should be their first port of call if possible. Work places and businesses have family friendly policies for this very reason.

As for you friend, if she was busy then that's fair enough but I would've expected her to at least ask after your DS2. Some people just can't see beyond the end of their noses. She doesn't seem like a great friend to me.

lilolilmanchester · 08/05/2009 12:06

YABU, given that it wasn't serious enough for your DH to take time off to be with you and your poorly DS. If DH had been at hospital with you then it would be different. I do hope your DS is better though.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/05/2009 12:10

i would have to say something to your friend - but thats just me

or i would fester about it

yanbu to ask her to take a 3yr with her to an eye test in an EMERGENCY which your obv was

though i also think maybe dh could have looked after your child as well

guess depends if you want this friend as a friend still?

MIAonline · 08/05/2009 12:16

YANBU, ime some people just don't know the meaning of putting themselves out for others.

I wouldn't say anything and just use it as a indicator of what sort of friend she is. I would move anything like that around or cope in order to help a friend out. But then I am loyal to my friends and think that what goes around comes around.

Glad your DD is ok.

MIAonline · 08/05/2009 12:16

Sorry meant DS!

screamingabdab · 08/05/2009 12:58

YANBU Your friend is either more self-absorbed, or less capable, than you.

I probably wouldn't say anything, but you know where you stand now.

FabulousBakerGirl · 08/05/2009 13:02

I would have said I would have your child but was it okay that he had to come to a prearranged appointment. Or I would have done what I have done in the past which is to get my PIL to have my kids so I can help someone else out.

moocowmrs · 08/05/2009 13:15

Not all dads can look after kids at the drop of a hat or are able to work around child care, my dh is a farmer and the cows still need to be milked fed etc regardless of the home situation, I would rely on friends and family in a situation like this to help out and they have done in the past.
Please don't judge the posters DH just because he could not help in this situation.

MorrisZapp · 08/05/2009 13:57

moocow, if not all dads can look after kids at a drop of a hat, then why expect that all friends can?

This friend had other plans, and she is a friend, not the parent of the child in hospital.

I think OP is BU I'm afraid. The dad wasn't able to help, and equally the friend wasn't able to help. That's life, let's not judge either of them.

junglist1 · 08/05/2009 14:16

I think she's shown her true colours by not asking how your DS was! There's no excuse for that. Concentrate on your other friends. I have found quite a few people who turn out to be all take and no give.

Original poster
DaisyOinkSwiner · 08/05/2009 15:19

Thanks for your thoughts. I've decided that I probably won't say anything, not least because her ds and mine are good friends and it would be a shame for that friendship to suffer if I say anything.

The thing about whether my dh could/couldn't have taken time off to my mind isn't that relevant because as her friend if L had asked me in the same situation if her dh couldn't/wouldn't then I would have put myself out to help her. If she doesn't 'get' that then me saying something to her won't make any difference, so I'll just chalk it up to experience and keep quiet (probably, lol!)

I'm surprised so many people think that it's that easy for people to take time off work - in some jobs with the best will in the world, they just can't.

OP posts:
LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 08/05/2009 15:25

There are very few jobs in the world where, if the situation is important enough, people can't take time off work, they just like to think they are that important (farmers maybe an exception to this!) Tbh I would have thought it can't be that important if the DH isn't taking time off work.
However your friend was very rude not enquiring after your DC this morning.

lilolilmanchester · 08/05/2009 15:30

what does your DH do Daisy, out of interest? I know it's not that easy to take time out of some jobs - but not many that would take priority over your own child being hositalised and vomiting up blood. I have a friend who used to ask me have her children on my precious days off work so that she didn't have to take time off if they were sick/school INSET days. I was happy to help out, even tho it inconvenienced me, til I realisd she has no problem taking time off to go abroad without the children/ her DH can take time off for golf matches. I don't say yes so easily now. Maybe your friend felt the same.

Sassybeast · 08/05/2009 15:54

I think YABU sorry. Your husband should have taken the time off.

sleepyeyes · 08/05/2009 16:03

Daisy YANBU this is about your so called friend using you for childcare but not returning the favor.
I was quite ill last week DH couldn't take anytime off, and he works for himself, to take care of me thats life sometimes it just isn't possible. After all you were with your son.
I wouldn't care for her child again, it doubt she would return the favor ever if she can't do it in an emergency.

sayithowitis · 08/05/2009 16:34

I'm with Morris. If the child's father could not manage to get time off work, it is totally unreasonable to moan about the friend being unable to have the child. On this occasion it was inconvenient for her. It doesn't matter what the Op 'would have done' for her. Fact is, the friend felt she could not do it. It is not for you to judge whether her reason was justifiable or not.

sophieandbelly · 08/05/2009 16:52

i totally agree, so the child had an eye test so what! if needs be to help a friend in that situation, u would either take them along or cancel the app. i think u should keep it to urself as it might just cause upset but as tracybath says keep it casual frm now on, and if its not 'a good time' next time she wants the fav returned just say no dont bend over backwards for her seems as tho she wouldnt for u!