to think that wanting to carry on doing SOME of the things I enjoy doesn't make me a bad mother?

[halia]

Why oh why do some mums (sorry but it is only mums who have ever said things like this) give up their entire lives when they have kids and an even bigger why is why on earth do they expect me to do the same.

before DS (4) was born I liked doing a whole load of things, a large part of why I married DH was because we enjoyed the same activities and our relationship was based around shared activities and snogging (well slightly more cert18 than snogging but you get the picture )

I like; art galleries, gardens, stately homes, hikng, city breaks, coffee, real ale festivals, surfing, film, folkrock, to name but a few.

Now of course having a kid means I have less time and money to do those things. But why is it bad to WANT to do them? or to make sure I beg/borrow/pay for babysitters occasionally so that me and DH CAN do those things?

What's with the "you can take them with you" idea as well? have they lost their marbles? why on earth would I want to take my 4yr old to watch a cert 15 or 18 film? or drag the poor lad out 3 hrs past his bedtime to a private artshow full of wine, adults and sculpture pieces he can't touch?

The saddest (and I mean sad as in distressing) thing I heard on this topic was someone who said "No we havn't been out together for 10 years. Well me and my husband don't really have anything in common now except the children so we've no need for anything like a babysitter, afterall there'll be time to do that when the children have left home." erm yeah, do what exactly given that you have nothing in common anymore?

I simply can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and not wanting to spend some time one-one ALONE with them. Snuggles on the sofa are great but so is a beer or three whilst watching a local band followed by a giggly walk home.

are you fighting a slightly imaginary battle here? Not sure anyone here would disagree with you.

they get boring after a while

ok, first of all, some mums do because they want to - and that's fine. they see it not as 'giving up their lives' but as their lives changing and them becoming mum-first and believe it or not, some actually enjoy that. I do. I am mum first and I love it. It's an exciting and challenging stage of my life. Just as you don't want to be judged for choosing not to give up your whole life as you put it, you cannot - or you'd be a hypocrite - judge others for making a different choice. Although I wouldn't think of it as "giving up your life" but rather as changing your life and doing different things.

Which brings me to ... No, it is 100% not unreasonable of you to want to carry on doing things you enjoy. Nobody has the right to tell you that you can't.

do what makes you happy, accept that others have the right to do what makes them happy, and that those things won't be the same things.

The relationship thing is a different kettle of fish. It is sad when you grow apart/get stuck in a rut.

oranges - not anyone on here (yet) but I did get sidelines into this conversation after asking a group of mums for babysitter recomendations this week.
Hecate - I don't get it (because I don't like being a mum first and foremost) but just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I think its wrong. Like if someone likes olives i cannot understand why you would willingly eat the slimy things but hey each to their own!

Anyway I can't change who I am so DS will just have to struggle through tommorrow night fast asleep with a friend watching a DVD downstairs while me and DP go out for a pint for a couple of hours.

I think what sometimes happens is not that you don't want to carry on doing these things but as the mother you tend to carry the majority of the load. Especially if you have a partner who just will not share the load, what can you do?

My x didn't want to wait around for me to be able to join him on his days and nights out, he just went off and carried on doing them alone. So we grew apart and even when we were together I resented him so much that I didn't want to do anything with him. I think this happens quite a lot.

I liked doing loads of stuff before I had kids but x was a selfish pig and I had no family close by, how do you continue to pursue your interests when this is your situation?

springfluers:
leave husband
find local babysitter or do swapsies with another single mum
sting ExH for maintanance and once a month save it up for 2 hrs of 'me time' childcare

(sorry I've had a second glass of wine by now so not perhaps the most coherant or sensible of responses)

What Hecate said. I was trying to think how to word it, she did better than I could. If I've learnt anything from parenthood it's that we're all very different people and can see the same situation in different ways. What is frustrating for one person maybe the best thing ever for another, or nothing of interest to someone else. Attitudes to parenthood can be a bit like this too - which bits you enjoy and how much of your 'old' life you still want to do depends very much on who you are.

So I'd say you're lucky to have shared interests and NBU to do what you like doing, but don't dismiss those who choose differently to you.

Ds has autism, so not the easiest of things to leave him with someone he doesn't know very well.
Can't afford London prices for babysitters.
Not many friends in RL . Those I have not mainly abroad or in the Midlands where I am from.

Any more suggestions?

I too love all of the above activities but as a new mum I don't have the time to do them and I love being with dd. As she gets older I am hoping to regain some of my former activities whilst accomodating the new responsibilities. It aint easy.

sTBH, it sounds more about your own issue with how you see yourself and how you have had to come to terms with a new identity of 'Mum' too, rather than how other people perceive you.

I agree with Hecate 'some mums do because they want to - and that's fine. they see it not as 'giving up their lives' but as their lives changing and them becoming mum-first and believe it or not, some actually enjoy that.'

Your post does sound confrontational about those people who choose a different path to you and perhaps that why you are encountering negativity. People become sensitive when they feel their choices are being questioned, maybe without realising it you are doing this to others and that is being reflected back at you.

And in answer to your question, there is nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy some things as adults without children, time, money and babysitters permitting!

what a self congratulatory OP all me-me and art galleries whilst the lumpen proleteriat drag their knuckles and waste time

halia,almost expected to read and i have not changed since becoming a mum

thing is we all just aim to get by- any ole way.even if that differs from you

I don't think that you have to give up things you love-I would go as far as to say it makes you a good role model. If you are really keen on something it can enthuse your DC. It is difficult while they are very little but it gets easier as they get older and you can do a lot of them with DCs (it is still nice to have time to yourself).
I don't think it is good to see the phrase, as seen on here several times, I am devoted to my DCs-I think a bit of healthy neglect is good for them. Any thread asking how to get babysitters always has someone saying 'I haven't been out with my DP alone for 10yrs,' not so bad if they would like to, but recently there was one saying 'why would you want to do anything without DCs?'!
Mine are now teens and it has gone in the speed of light-soon there will only be DH and I so- a, we need to have more in common than the DCs and b, have lots of interests, some shared.
I don't think it makes you a 'better' mother to be with your DCs all the time and it is lovely for them to have grandparents and other people that they spend time with alone.
Go ahead and have your interests and don't feel guilty.

OP, the way DH and I have coped with this issue is have some time alone with family or babysitters liiking after dcs, and taking dcs along to those activities that we can allenjoy together.

That means - see the cert 15/18 films in our adult time, take dcs to see more family suitable films. Have taken dcs to cinema from only a few months old (kids films in daytime) so now they are 7 and 9 they love going to see films and know how to behave.

we have also been taking them to see Shakespeare at the Globe Theatre and open air theatres for 3 years now - they both love it and never cause any disturbance because they are so used to it. DD aged 9 now has several books of the plays which are her favourite reading (Romeo and Juliet is her favourite!).

Ditto with stately homes and art galleries - have taken both dcs to see many all round Europe since babies, now so used to it they know how to behave there and find them fascinating. Both love the Tate Modern.

So I agree - make sure you have that time alone to keep up your interests that really can't be shared with dcs (and it's important to have time to just concentrtae on each other). but don't shut out the dcs from activities they can enjoy with you. You will probably find you can share a lot of your interests with them and this could develop into shared passions with your dcs as they get older. I know this is true of my dd - she is now very into drama and wants to be an actress when she grows up (has already had some professional roles.

But I agree - some holier than thou earth mothers try to make you feel bad about wanting to have some time just you and dh. Tell 'em where to get off!

that looking after dcs!

YANBU.

In fact, it would be very unreasonable and unfair on your kids to give up all your interests just because you're a parent.

YANBU.

I have a couple of friends who have totally subsumed themselves in their children - they never do anything else, see anyone else, go out, talk to adults etc. Their children are glued to them 24/7 and they like it that way.

Which is fine. But then they eye people who go out without their children and come out with things like "well of course I would never want to do anything like that, I could never leave my children even for 10 mins, why would I want to" which does come across as rather holier than thou - the implication is certainly that they are more devoted parents.

the people who just get on with it whatever way they feel best, without feeling the need to tell others that their way is the better way, are fine, of course they are...

bigBellas - I bet the kids of those "devoted earth mothers" wish they would just sod off and leave them alone for just a few hours!

marla it matters if it's your friends and you never see them any more because of it

yorkshire there does seem to a viscious circle - the mothers never leave their children and so the children won't be left and the two things feed each other. The DHs in these relationships are never left with the children, and are surplus to requirements as far as caring for the child, comforting them if they are hurt, getting them to sleep etc are concerned.

Personally I think that is really sad for the dads.

not everyone wants to live like you with your folk rock and giggly walks home love

I have always carried on with the stuff I like doing that isn't suitable for DS.
I think some people have a problem because some men won't change their lives but just expect their female partners to do all the childcare and domestic work - it's the men who wouldn't dream of taking over the childcare so the mother can have a night out who are the biggest problem.

Quite a few of us would CrushwithEyeliner!!
OP isn't alone.

SGB yes we know

I also think some women actively want to have their DC dependent on them, and actively exclude their DHs, selling it to them as "they still have their freedom" while actually what they don't have is a close relationship with their own children. But of course they're in no position to argue as the DC have been trained to only ever go to mummy

not unreasobable if it is what you want to do, i do think though perhaps your view is skewed by the fact you said you dont enjoy being a mum, so maybe thats why you think everyone should go out the same amount of times as you do. TBH you sound like you want someone to pat you on the back and say your right...in a way you are, you are doing whats right for your family, but DP and i ENJOY PURSUING FAMILY INTERESTS aswell as DOING THINGS JUST FOR ADULTS, AND THATS NOT WRONG EITHER!

Where did she say that she didn't want to be a mum? Wanting to do things for yourself doesn't mean that you don't enjoy motherhood! I think it makes you a better mother. I like the idea that it takes a village to raise a DC,things won't drop apart if you have a couple of hours away from your DC! It is lovely for other people and the DCs to have time on their own to develop relationships. On a recent thread there were people who didn't even leave their DP with the DCs-they did everything together! As I DC I think I would find it a bit smothering.