to think that wanting to carry on doing SOME of the things I enjoy doesn't make me a bad mother?

[halia]

Why oh why do some mums (sorry but it is only mums who have ever said things like this) give up their entire lives when they have kids and an even bigger why is why on earth do they expect me to do the same.

before DS (4) was born I liked doing a whole load of things, a large part of why I married DH was because we enjoyed the same activities and our relationship was based around shared activities and snogging (well slightly more cert18 than snogging but you get the picture )

I like; art galleries, gardens, stately homes, hikng, city breaks, coffee, real ale festivals, surfing, film, folkrock, to name but a few.

Now of course having a kid means I have less time and money to do those things. But why is it bad to WANT to do them? or to make sure I beg/borrow/pay for babysitters occasionally so that me and DH CAN do those things?

What's with the "you can take them with you" idea as well? have they lost their marbles? why on earth would I want to take my 4yr old to watch a cert 15 or 18 film? or drag the poor lad out 3 hrs past his bedtime to a private artshow full of wine, adults and sculpture pieces he can't touch?

The saddest (and I mean sad as in distressing) thing I heard on this topic was someone who said "No we havn't been out together for 10 years. Well me and my husband don't really have anything in common now except the children so we've no need for anything like a babysitter, afterall there'll be time to do that when the children have left home." erm yeah, do what exactly given that you have nothing in common anymore?

I simply can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and not wanting to spend some time one-one ALONE with them. Snuggles on the sofa are great but so is a beer or three whilst watching a local band followed by a giggly walk home.

I think OP realises that something has to give-there is just no reason why there can't be some sort of compromise.

Hmmmm you are definitely not being unreasonable. I think it is lack of money for babysitters, no family close by, children who don't sleep well, guilt if you work during the week and frankly sheer exhaustion that stop a lot of mums from doing their own stuff. I do agree that those who really don't want to ever do things with their other half/on their own/ with mates (after the first few slightly insane months) are completely mystifying to me as well.

just a quick response
yep, I want to be Halia first and foremost not X's mum
yep I love DS
no that doesn't mean I want to spend every minute with him
yep, if I am honest I do think that spending every moment with your kids can be a bit smotheringyep, of course I expected life to be different after having a kid - but I intended it to be a compromise not about losing everything i enjoyed doing!
yep, it is the people who say things like "you are lucky" when I say we were out for a pint last week who drive me up the wall. NO i am not lucky - i make specific choices about getting a babysitter rather than us having a holiday this year. (OK I'm lukcy to have the money for either of those things but the comment didn't come from someone who lacked cash)
I guess the reason its been getting to me recently is because due to a housemove and other life events I am currently not working, so generally the mums i mix with are ones who come up with gems like "but the time goes so fast, you want to spend it all with them when they are small" maybe time does go fast for the person saying this - but it doens't for me, and I dont' want to spend all my time with DS when he is small.

Anyway I didn't want a mums bashing mums thread, i needed to let of steam and reassure myself that there were people who felt it was OK to still want to be me!

Hi Halia,
I've had exactly the same comments made to me (long time ago now) and it is tough when you really want to say "no the time goes so slowly it feels like torture!"! but actually all you feel you can do is nod feebly.

I think you just have to tell yourself this is only temporary, and I will be Halia (professional whatever and interesting in her own right person) again. I'm not saying that parents who chose to stay at home are not interesting, fulfilled or having the time of their lives, just that for some of us babies (at least 24/7) are really not fun!

I agree nooka - I found the baby stage mostly hard slog - only started to enjoy it really when dcs could talk to me. If I had not found a way to get some time away from them i would have gone nuts.

And i think a lot of mums feel the same if they would only admit it.

That said, now they are older and we can do a lot more together i am really enjoying it - but we ALL benefit from time away from each other.

oh yes, the baby stage - I found it incredibly boring and hard work. Its more bearable now he can join in a bit more but I still need plenty of time to do adult stuff as well!

I still do all the things I love to do. I had a year or so off from the intense physical stuff to give my body time to recover from pregnancy/birth but other than that haven't stopped, changed slightly but not stopped.

HOWEVER I am aware that I live quite a privileged life. We have money and a good strong partnership and these things make continuing with your "own" life a lot easier even with a child in the mix. Now that DS is no longer a baby, he loves coming diving (well snorkelling for him), skiing, climbing and stuff.

Some of this is down to choice, but a lot of it is down to luck in that I was born into a supportive family, got lucky with a great DH etc. I have freedom which I have learned is not always the case for mums.

If people choose not to pursure their own interests once they have children, it is up to them...what I don't like is being judged for doing anything perceived as "for myself" And I'm not just being paranoid - the number of comments I have had about leaving DS to go to Glastonbury (while pregnant - horror!) are testament to that.

Not being able to do things because of lack of support is really a very different thing to choosing not to do it.

I think maybe it has also to do with the age.Nowdays more and more women have children later in life -myself included- and sometimes they have the attidute 'been there done that'. Having said that i wouldnt now die to go to festivals or clubbing but not because i am a mother, more because im old but still like to do something on my own (meal out, cinema, theatre)