to think that wanting to carry on doing SOME of the things I enjoy doesn't make me a bad mother?

[halia]

Why oh why do some mums (sorry but it is only mums who have ever said things like this) give up their entire lives when they have kids and an even bigger why is why on earth do they expect me to do the same.

before DS (4) was born I liked doing a whole load of things, a large part of why I married DH was because we enjoyed the same activities and our relationship was based around shared activities and snogging (well slightly more cert18 than snogging but you get the picture )

I like; art galleries, gardens, stately homes, hikng, city breaks, coffee, real ale festivals, surfing, film, folkrock, to name but a few.

Now of course having a kid means I have less time and money to do those things. But why is it bad to WANT to do them? or to make sure I beg/borrow/pay for babysitters occasionally so that me and DH CAN do those things?

What's with the "you can take them with you" idea as well? have they lost their marbles? why on earth would I want to take my 4yr old to watch a cert 15 or 18 film? or drag the poor lad out 3 hrs past his bedtime to a private artshow full of wine, adults and sculpture pieces he can't touch?

The saddest (and I mean sad as in distressing) thing I heard on this topic was someone who said "No we havn't been out together for 10 years. Well me and my husband don't really have anything in common now except the children so we've no need for anything like a babysitter, afterall there'll be time to do that when the children have left home." erm yeah, do what exactly given that you have nothing in common anymore?

I simply can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and not wanting to spend some time one-one ALONE with them. Snuggles on the sofa are great but so is a beer or three whilst watching a local band followed by a giggly walk home.

If you read her second post she says " I don't get it (because I don't like being a mum first and foremost)" so dont have a go!!

i wasnt asking anyone to defend themselves, you or the op so i dont get the defensive attitude Piscesmoon!! i was simply stating the other side of the discussion!!

i also didnt say that i dont do things for myself, so i dont think im smoothering if that was your intended implication, and i aggree that women who refuse to leave thier children at the xpense of their relationship with thier partner are doing so for thier own reasons not a need of their child.

I read that differently BB. i took it as the OP didn't want to be a mum first and foremost ie that she wanted to be herself first and foremost rather than losing her identity and just being "mum".

i didn't take it at all to mean she didn't enjoy motherhood!

oops, well i did, i spose thats the problem with the written word, no intunation (spl) either way i wasnt being offensive to the OP so i dont get the defensive approach from pisces. I was simply trying to put to the OP that its about balance, and no families balance is the same....

They are only being as judgmental about your life as you are about their life.

Ooh, ohh, Sorrento is good on this topic. Where is she?

actually im not judging anyone.... whatever works for your own family is whats best, i just objected to the way the OP suggested (in my opinion) that if you do not go out without your children as often as she does there is something wrong with you. its horses for courses!

Your son must sleep sometime!Grab the fun then and wait.Before you know it your kids are grown and you can do what you please.My ds is 15 and we are having a great time.Once they start school sleepovers and parties give you the odd day/night but until then enjoy what you have and stop moaning

I think I read the whole post differently! I didn't think she was saying that she didn't like motherhood-just that she still wanted her identity and wanted to be halia, rather than x's mummy. I also didn't think she was attacking other people's choices-just that she didn't want to be made to feel a bad mother because she wanted a babysitter and evening out with just DP.
When they get to teens they actually like a mother who has interests of her own-it is a lot easier if you haven't let them go in the first place.

I am in complete agreement with BigBella and SolidGold on this one.

I dont have problem with those who like to keep their hobbies and have some time out without children. I also dont have problem with those who like to spent all their time as 'family time'. But i DO have problem with those who choose the second and then they moan endlessly. They expect a medal from everybody and they keep calling you 'lucky' (i hate this word). I have a friend who does this. If i go for a meal she will say 'oh you are lucky we havnt been out for 10 years-because we love our children' or if i go for a meal with my children she will say 'oh you are lucky your cd are behaving i cannot take mine to restaurant but i dont mind being a martyr blah blah'.

BBisfinallyPG: Ooops, sorry, I was replying to OP not you!

Sadly I greatly enjoyed getting pished, smoking and dancing badly all night before I had children. I feel it would be frowned upon more if I continued those interests than if my previous loves were modern art and lindy hop dancing.
That said, I do some things that my daughter likes (park, horrible toddler groups,sitting upstairs on buses) and she does some things that I like (wandering around junk shops and markets, stealing cuttings from the park,seeing my friends). Luckily we both love cafes and shoe shops. I don't see why I can't include her in my life at her age (2)and resign myself to the fact that adult entertainment will be scarce. Gives me something to look forward too when she's a little older. I shall be the oldest swinger in town then
Agree that moaning about not going out is not on though. Attack of the Mummy Matyrs.

yuck. TO not TOO.

i can see some of what the op has to say. some lovely friends of ours have a v different attitude to being parents from us, and sadly, the wife is a bit judgy of me & my choices.
she has said i'm 'not like a real mum' cos i only have 1 child & went back to work
asked if a worried about dd being damaged by going to nursery ft
said 'oh so sad it couldn't be sooner' when i managed to cut my hours to be with dd
proudly told us that her & dh hadn't had a night out together in 3 years
is proud to buy all organic food as tis better for the children, but doens't always have enuogh money to pay the mortgage.

if that's how she wants to live her life, i have o problem, and i can see how people are happy like that. but it's the criticism of me (and none towards dh) that i resent.
it makes me v sad as pre kids i loved them both so much, but i don't see why i should give up everything in my life just because that's how she chooses to parent.

Doesn't it all come down to the guilt, whether conscious or not, that all parents feel with whatever stance they take and then using it as a stick to beat other mothers with, rather than looking at ourselves.

This thread has become the kind of crap you hear all the time in a group of parents, all trying to make themselves feel better by making someone else feel rubbish because they do it differently.

To be fair MIA, I think it started off that way too...

I would agree with you there Tippy, the tone was set by the Op, was just hoping that the wise people of MN would point that out to her, rather than joining in with her and it becoming the usual mums against mums bashing.

True enough
You wear it well btw

In response to OP - YANBU in wanting to retain your own identity, just as others who 'give up their entire lives when they have kids' ANBU either.

As long as you are happy with your choice and they are happy with theirs the rest is irrelevant.

I think it depends on who you hang out with. When I had ds I knew that I would not be a SAHM, and I looked forward to returning to work. Of course it was also a struggle to find good childcare and to be relaxed leaving him, but I knew that I don't really enjoy babies very much, and that for ds spending his day with someone who thought all the dependancy was fantastic was the right thing to do for us.

Forward a few months later and an anti-natal group reunion, where one of the other mums had had to go back to work because her dh had been unwell, and she said to me something like oh isn't it terrible having to go to work. I was really irritated because whilst I was very sympathetic to her situation, I was very happy to be back at work. So I didn't see her again socially - in fact I had very little in common with that group as a whole. Whereas at work having children at home was completely normal, so no one commented on it.

I think that we all have a slight tendency to assume that our way is the best way and everyone else thinks so too, whereas in fact there are many ways to parent, and many ways to live.

sometimes it nice to give the kids to granny and take dh out for a couple of hours, go to a movie or out for a meal, just to remimd yourself why you are in that relationship and show your partner that you still love and appreciate them. Not to say you dont like having the kids with you.