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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my sister not to smoke around her children before I babysit them?

97 replies

Geepers · 29/04/2009 11:40

I am thinking that IABU as I am not usually backwards in coming forwards when telling my sister what I think, but thought I'd put it to the MN jury just to double check.

My sister has asked me to look after her two children on Saturday while she moves house, and again in five weeks when she goes into hospital to have her baby by c-section.

I'm happy to have them at any time, but they always arrive stinking of cigarettes, which is very noticeable when there are two of them in my home where no-one smokes and we like to smell clean.

I think they smell especially bad because my sister and her partner will smoke in the car on the way here, so would I BU to ask her not to do that? I fully admit to being disgusted by smoking in general, and feeling physically ill when I see her smoking at 34+ weeks pregnant but not sure whether I can ask her to stop smoking around her own children before they get here so I don't have to smell it all day.

OP posts:

hatesponge · 29/04/2009 20:00

I truly cant believe anyone's house would stink of smoke unless someone actually smoked in it, not just brought the smell in with them. This seems a completely exaggerated over-reaction - and I speak as someone who has NEVER smoked!

Before the smoking ban if I spent the whole night in a smoky pub, with friends who spent the entire evening puffing away, I would come home and notice my clothes smelt slightly of smoke. Slightly. Not strongly enough to make me sick, and only noticeable if I put my nose right up to it.

You must all have incredibly sensitive noses.

OP, I think YABU - ask her not to smoke around your children of course, but what she does with her children is her business.....

Noonki · 29/04/2009 20:01

Stretford - that is gross
I much prefer the smell of fags to febreeze!

You're right it's not a s bad when you smoke outside than in the house, but my dad never smokes indoors and yet always stinks of cigs.

i smoked for 20 years and look back in shame at how I smelt.

hf128219- can stink for ages afterwards. My DSS's mum and partner used to smoke around him and his room would stink of fags for ages. we quite regularly would wash all of his 'clean' clothes for him when he arrived as they would smell too.

Konstanza · 29/04/2009 20:02

YANBU.
Why is it that people find it acceptable to force children to become passive smokers yet declare it an absolute no-no to ask someone to refrain from smoking in certain situations (in the OP?s case in the car before dropping off the dc)?

The risks of passive smoking are well publicised and absolutely avoidable.

sleeplessinstretford · 29/04/2009 20:03

if the smoking is in the house-i fail to see how 2 non smoking children smell that bad her house will be stunk out-i think it's projection of her (correct) dislike of sisters smoking around the kids so she's making out it's about her upholstery...

piscesmoon · 29/04/2009 21:40

I have a very keen sense of smell-if I talk to a smoker they reek of it-they probably don't know what it smells like to a non smoker.

kitkatqueen · 29/04/2009 21:50

I hate it too, Why don't u take the kids swimming as soon as they arrive, might take the edge off it a bit and u will be a v poular auntie!! ( or kite flying at local park??)

sorry I haven't read any more than op...

piscesmoon · 29/04/2009 21:56

That is a really good suggestion kkq-it would solve the problem and have fun at the same time!

Vaguely · 29/04/2009 22:19

hatesponge - you have a freakishly dull sense of smell. you should use it to your advantage, that. get some highly paid job that no-one else will do coz of the stink, you'll be oblivious - genius!

LackaDAISYcal · 29/04/2009 23:06

the smell of cigarettes can linger for ages......if someone has actually been smoking in your house. We're talking about the smell on visitor's clothing; it is NOT going to transfer to your curtains, carpets and upholstery and is not going to leave your house stinking....get a bloody grip.

I've had wine since I last posted, so forgive me if I am a bit too forthright rude, but it comes over to me that the OP is just pissed off that her sister won't listen to her over lots of issues, not just this one, and at no point has she actually shown any real concern over the health of her nieces/nephews and sees them as nothing but an unwanted stink. And kids aren't daft; they will sense this.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 29/04/2009 23:17

God my DS has a friend who when he comes over for a playdate, hangs his coat up in the hallway and the whole house stinks of smoke, because he's a passive smoker.

Smell is a very interesting sense, isn't it, everyone has a different sensitivity. That's why some people are successful tea/ chocolate etc. tasters and some people would be rubbish at it. I suspect the ones who can't believe a passive smoker's jacket can't stink a house out, would never be employed as tasters.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 29/04/2009 23:21

can stink a house out I mean, obv

blossomsmine · 29/04/2009 23:25

YABU, do you not think the children will feel that they themselves are 'dirty' or that there is something wrong with them if the minute they get to your house you make them bath and then take them out of their clothes and put them in something else they probably don't want to wear

I think you should stop thinking about yourself for a moment and consider the poor children. They have to put up with sitting in a smoky car and house....its not their fault how can you even think about making them feel even more uncomfortable

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 29/04/2009 23:35

I think how you present it would determine how they felt about it.

LackaDAISYcal · 29/04/2009 23:54

LackaDAISYcal · 29/04/2009 23:55

how can you possibly present it in a positive light? unless you got them to change into dressing up clothes?

Original poster

Geepers · 30/04/2009 07:00

you are right LackaDAISYcal, you are forthright rude. How on earth you can deduce that there are lots of 'issues' between my sister and I when all you know is that she smokes and her kids stink is beyond me.

OP posts:

LackaDAISYcal · 30/04/2009 07:46

oops I had had a few glasses of wine last night and got a bit too gobby...but you have mentioned it more than once in the thread.....

"I am not usually backwards in coming forwards when telling my sister what I think"

"Twill not be easy for me, trust me, I am not used to using such tact with her"

I can only go on what I read.

mamamea · 30/04/2009 08:29

not unreasonable. If she wants you to look after your kids she can have a bit of fucking self control and stop trying to give them lung cancer for a few hours before she drops them off.

fandango75 · 30/04/2009 09:12

kidcreole...

parents in the 70s and 80s DID actually know the dangers it was just ignored and was socially accpetable.

Nowadays the dangers are just as well known but it is not socially acceptable. We are all too worried about what other people think (hardly suprising when you note the tone of some posts).

My point is that our parents generation did not have an excuse at all.... (including your own parents)

I am not a smoker either before you all start getting high and mighty

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 30/04/2009 13:24

Well you can't present it in a positive light, but you cna present it as being very clear that it is not their fault they smell, it's that of their parents, and it's just a practical measure like taking off your shoes and putting on slippers. This is what we do when we get to aunt geeper's house, because she doesn't like the smell of smoke. You can be very matter of fact and practical about it.

AnnasBananas · 30/04/2009 13:47

I don't think you can say anything, unfortunately.

I abhor smoking around children especially when they are in the car and can't get away from it. She's literally poisoning them.

My mum is a retired kindergarten teacher and used to hate the children coming to kindy smelling or cigarette smoke. She's tell them 'Joy says that mummy shouldn't be smoking in the car with you it's very bad for your health' knowing full well at age 3.5 - 4 it was going to be repeated back to the mother.

I sympathise, it is so disgusting.

ladylush · 01/05/2009 15:53

Is febreeze flammable? Just wondered - y'know if you are thinking of taking the advice to spray them. Wouldn't want them going up in flames when they get home.

Imo you not being unreasonable to be bothered by your sis smoking around the kids but in your shoes I would not request that she doesn't smoke before you look after them. I probably would ask her to consider giving up or at least not smoking near the kids - for their benefit and hers but I wouldn't ask her to do it at a particular time iyswim

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