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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to freeze dh out for the rest of the evening?

56 replies

Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:23

while I'm in the business of asking to be minced on MN for being an unreasonable git, I might as well get it all out of my system...

I have had a really long day at work (looking after babies all morning and then 1-2-1 with SN preschool child) so came home quite tired. I am not sleeping well at the moment and have been struggling for a couple of weeks, as dh well knows.

I had a friend round for dinner with her dd this evening, because I'm having her dd overnight while she goes out and she suggested we "do tea" as we haven't done for a while. DH and I both find this particular friend bloody hard work, she's very mercurial and needs a lot of support which I don't mind giving but when I'm tired it's not ideal, etc etc.

DH asked me last night whether it would be OK to go out for a drink with some workmates and be late this evening, to which I replied "of course, roughly how late will you be". We agreed that he woiuld stay till 7ish and drink, but then come home rather than go out for a meal with them. This evening he said "I will be home by 8" so I decided i would get the three kids ready for bed and let them stay up to say goodnight to him.

So I came home, cooked dinner, entertained friend/kids, got them ready for bed - they behaved atrociously and by 8 both of mine were sitting on the stairs in disgrace.

At ten past 8 dh rang me, I said "hello?" and he said "I know, I'm late" and I said "How late are you going to be?" and he said huffily "well if that's how you feel I'll be home in 20 minutes" to which I was obviously supposed to say "Oh no dear, you stay out" but in fact I said "Good, see you in 20 minutes then".

He is now sulking, and frankly so am I

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:28

.

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 28/04/2009 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

echt · 28/04/2009 21:31

YANBU. If H had a reasonable reason for being late, he would have said so straight away.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:31

oh god thank you Marla, I was sure the first response would be "YABU, you harridan"

wine might be a bad idea, I will end up in a soggy alcoholic heap of snot

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:37

aaaargh, he's gone out again, to fetch the veg box (which he has been putting off since Thursday) and to fetch some toothpaste from the shop (which I would have done tomorrow)

I HATE it when he finds stupid reasons to get away from me when I am upset, it's so childishly insulting

god life sucks

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 28/04/2009 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarlaSinger · 28/04/2009 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolidaysQueen · 28/04/2009 21:40

YANBU given the day you have had, but DH probably doesn't know quite how horrible it was (e.g. couldn't predict how tired you would be or how badly behaved kids would be) and he was only about 30 mins late so I don't think he has behaved really terribly. Sometimes DHs can be a bit thoughtless, and at least he phoned at roughly the time he was due in - a lot of men would phone about 3 hours later, or just roll in drunk in the middle of the night;) He was probably having a nice time and thought there might be a bit of flex in the time you'd agreed and had just forgotten that you might have had a crap day. It's what blokes do

Suggest you go to him and say "i'm really annoyed that you stayed out later than we had agreed given i had a really shit day, but if you give me a hug and have a chat with me then i might forgive you..." i can guarantee you'll both feel better if you do that than if you both sulk all evening

But to reiterate, no YANBU!

MarlaSinger · 28/04/2009 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolidaysQueen · 28/04/2009 21:42

oh, just noticed he has gone out again. at least it is to do chores, not get pissed! he is probably feeling really guilty now. do try and make up - you already have the moral high ground and you will feel so much more morally right if you are the first to try and make up (but you can still make it clear that you are annoyed!)

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:42

[opens wine]

HQ, I know you are right but I just can't bring myself to extend the olive branch, I haven't the generosity of spirit. It would start well and then he would say something shit-eating or make an excuse, and I would end up saying "I hope you get swine flu and grow a little curly tail, you self-centred cuntbubble"

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MrsMerryHenry · 28/04/2009 21:45

I think YABU. Why?

(1) He called to say he'd be late - very thoughtful of him. Some DPs wouldn't do that.
(2) You were a bit arsey on the phone - clearly this is because you'd had a rough day, but effectively you were inadvertently taking it out on him.

Now of course he should have been more understanding and asked you what was wrong when he detected your tense tone of voice, especially given that he knew your evening was going to be a bit of a trial (did he have any way of knowing what your day would be like as well?). However, perhaps he'd had a few drinks and had genuinely forgotten.

So I say, if you want to make things worse, then go ahead and freeze him out.

HolidaysQueen · 28/04/2009 21:46

rofl at cuntbubble
have a drink, and offer the olive branch by pouring him one too but then let him start any conversation.
i sit here with wine alone being jealous of my DH who is out tonight at some birthday party in a posh new restaurant (but i haven't had such a bad day and he did at least warn me it could be a late one, so i really can't complain even if i can be a bit jealous!)

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:46

MrsMH

a) he was already late when he called, which didn't help

b)I wasn't remotely arsey on the phone, I said "hello" and "how late will you be" - my tone of voice was completely neutral because all three children were listening

but thanks for posting

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MrsMerryHenry · 28/04/2009 21:47

Just realised that I was guessing that you were arsey on the phone - maybe you weren't. So if you spoke to him sweetly and he responded huffily, then I would say YANBU. If not, then you are.

MrsMerryHenry · 28/04/2009 21:48

x-posts!

In that case, no YANBU. But by freezing him out you're perpetuating the tense atmosphere. And also if you try to talk to him he'll just run back into his cave and hide.

Basically you can't win.

MrsMerryHenry · 28/04/2009 21:49

Oh - but calling when only 10 mins late? Perhaps he was having a good time and forgot the time. That's not his fault, and you shouldn't hold it against him. I don't think it's reasonable to make a meal out of that bit.

HolidaysQueen · 28/04/2009 21:51

i hate the phoning when already late to say they'll be late - i always want to say "duh! do you think i can't tell the time?" - but still, i would always appreciate a slightly late call at least apologising for being late, rather than no phone call at all! and at least he has gone out to do chores which is a good thing. he sounds fairly reasonable to me really - one of those heart-in-right-place but a bit thoughtless and sometimes gets it wrong type of husbands. enjoy the wine, and maybe make him squirm a little, but do try and make it up before bed.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:51

you're right, I am perpetuating it. I know I am. But I am in this little hole of stubbornness and resentment and I don't want it ALWAYS to be me who climbs down.

Even if he apologises it will be more of a "must placate the dangerous wild animal" thing than a real apology.

I am probably my own worst enemy, posting in AIBU when I am feeling down - but I am ANGRY as well as sad, so maybe it was the right place to post after all!

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HolidaysQueen · 28/04/2009 21:55

you can be the big one who tries to make peace without actually climbing down though. i often find that if i make it clear to DH why i am pissed off but at least have had the good grace to make the first move when i shouldn't have had to, then i tend to get a much better response from him and more genuine apology rather than him getting his back up and apologising just because he thinks he has to for some peace.

tbh, it sounds like you really need a hug, not more conflict, after your shitty day!

PortoPandemico · 28/04/2009 21:55

I hate it when it gets like that and always end up backing down, as i can't stand long term sulking. I'd go with the Olive branch but I just like an easy life....

I remember years ago, DH and I had a huge argument over something really vital, like the washing up and we weren't talking to each other the next morning. The door bell rang and a huge Amazon parcel was delivered into DH's hands.

He handed it to me with a comment like, God more fecking books, or something, but actually it was the Xbox and games I had ordered as a NICE SURPRISE for him. His face was such a picture. He honestly did not know what to do.

He was DESPERATE not to have to back down and apologise, but on the other hand, he was SO excited and happy to get the Xbox.....I think there might have been shagging after that....

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:56

I do need a hug, I just don't want one from that shit-eating bastard

OP posts:
MrsMerryHenry · 28/04/2009 22:00

You don't have to make it a huge apology, just tell him (gently, not in your angry voice!) that you had a shitty day and were looking forward to spending an evening with him. You found it hurtful that he didn't come home when he promised because you were so looking forward to spending time together. (Make sure you don't say 'you did this...you did that...' - unless you want to alienate him further).

Then leave the ball in his court. Chances are he won't apologise, but you might get a sympathetic hug.

But bear in mind that when we women have 1000 thoughts going through our heads about such situations, men usually have one: 'I don't get women'. In other words we understand things on more levels (aka we complicate things ).

MrsMerryHenry · 28/04/2009 22:01

x-posts again!

Perhaps a hug from this gorgeous hunk of a man might do as an alternative?

jenwyn · 28/04/2009 22:07

Cant decide if Yabu or not but think you should be kind to yourself after such a hard day.
Do whatever makes you comfortable/happy.bath/shower/chocs/bed n book....

Decide now that this will have an end time-perhaps tomorrow morning? and just let tonight be for you. Let Dh do whatever he likes.

Tomorrow (or whenever) be the gracious one and let it go. Youve had a good nights sleep hopefully - hes had the silent treatment from you(but really enjoyed the silence actually) so you should be ready to move on.

I know you hate always being the one who gives in but men don't always see things the way we do.He wont see it as giving in -just making an end to it. Let it go