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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to freeze dh out for the rest of the evening?

56 replies

Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 21:23

while I'm in the business of asking to be minced on MN for being an unreasonable git, I might as well get it all out of my system...

I have had a really long day at work (looking after babies all morning and then 1-2-1 with SN preschool child) so came home quite tired. I am not sleeping well at the moment and have been struggling for a couple of weeks, as dh well knows.

I had a friend round for dinner with her dd this evening, because I'm having her dd overnight while she goes out and she suggested we "do tea" as we haven't done for a while. DH and I both find this particular friend bloody hard work, she's very mercurial and needs a lot of support which I don't mind giving but when I'm tired it's not ideal, etc etc.

DH asked me last night whether it would be OK to go out for a drink with some workmates and be late this evening, to which I replied "of course, roughly how late will you be". We agreed that he woiuld stay till 7ish and drink, but then come home rather than go out for a meal with them. This evening he said "I will be home by 8" so I decided i would get the three kids ready for bed and let them stay up to say goodnight to him.

So I came home, cooked dinner, entertained friend/kids, got them ready for bed - they behaved atrociously and by 8 both of mine were sitting on the stairs in disgrace.

At ten past 8 dh rang me, I said "hello?" and he said "I know, I'm late" and I said "How late are you going to be?" and he said huffily "well if that's how you feel I'll be home in 20 minutes" to which I was obviously supposed to say "Oh no dear, you stay out" but in fact I said "Good, see you in 20 minutes then".

He is now sulking, and frankly so am I

OP posts:

Original poster

Greensleeves · 28/04/2009 22:19

pmsl, now he's getting all our camping equipment out all over the hall and "checking" it

jen, I think I will just write tonight off. Git.

OP posts:

PortoPandemico · 29/04/2009 07:29

Is he talking to you this morning?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 29/04/2009 07:45

I recognise this!

He didn't want to come home, he wanted to stay out with his mates. He was ringing for you to say "stay out as long as you like darling, enjoy yourself" which is why he was cross when you said see you in 20 minutes, because in his mind, you forced him to come home, iyswim.

Mine does this. He also phones me after he's late and picks a fight with me, just so he can get cross with me and have my attitude the reason he stays out longer. He takes my perfectly normal tone of voice and claims I am cross over and over and over until I get snappy and then he says "see, you are cross" then accuses me of trying to control him.

I have found there's no reasoning with them when they're in that mood because they are hunting for something to get cross about to justify themselves, iyswim.

How are things this am?

2rebecca · 29/04/2009 08:44

I think you weren't unreasonable, he was in not sticking to agreed time to be home. Having said that if my husband goes out I don't usually give him a time to be in by and accept he is out for the evening. It's not your husband's fault you chose to entertain a difficult friend. It sounds as though you should either have agreed he stays with you and entertains difficult friend (although to be honest if my husband had a difficult friend I would resent having to support him in this rather than see my own easy going friends) or goes out and comes in whenever.
Time limits on evenings out rarely work if the person going out doesn't really want a time limit.
Different if he's always the 1 going out and you're always the one looking after the kids. Maybe you going out with friend and him looking after all the kids would have been a better option as you got your social event in first.

HolidaysQueen · 29/04/2009 08:49

how are you and DH this morning, greensleeves?

BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 08:51

I think that you probably shouldn't have had such a busy day! It's not your DH's fault that you overstretched yourself...

PortoPandemico · 29/04/2009 09:25

Um, but is DH's fault that he didn't come home when he agreed to surely? Mine does this all the time, works late or sneaks off to the pub occasionally. He knows full well that he is supposed to let me know, but he strangely seems to forget. I, of course, have no such liberty to come home whenever I like.

YanknCock · 29/04/2009 10:37

I don't think YABU. But 4.5 years of that exact same kind of shit from XH has made me pretty intolerant!

First he changed the time on you. Then he was late anyway. Then he expected you to just roll over and say it was okay. THEN he expected you to tell him to stay out, and sulked like a spoiled brat when you wouldn't be manipulated!

Fine, he called, that's better than some. But it doesn't make it right or fair.

BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 11:30

If I had been the DH I wouldn't have wanted to go home to an overwrought DW with a demanding friend and a miscellaneous child for the night! I'd have stayed out drinking with my friends...

PortoPandemico · 29/04/2009 11:59

reach4sky · 29/04/2009 12:49

Well yes Anna, I would have rather stayed out drinking with my friends too but it's hardly the point is it?

IheartNY · 29/04/2009 13:10

Anyone would rather go out with their friends than be home supporting a worn out and stressed out partner, but thats not what a partnership is all about is it?

Greensleeves - YANBU, he was being a bit selfish. Not excessively though, so try and call a truce soon!

BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 13:18

If I brought home demanding friends for a meal and had their children to stay midweek after I and my DP had been out at work all day, it would be all my own fault if my DP didn't want to support me. I think it is selfish and unreasonable to impose that upon one's DP at the end of a working day.

reach4sky · 29/04/2009 13:28

Well we both work and I have people to dinner/ stay all the time midweek. DH of course makes an effort to be home on time on those evenings as he understands I could do with a hand given I will be cooking etc. The OP also said that her DH was aware of her recent problems sleeping and in view of that, he might have been a bit more considerate.

2rebecca · 29/04/2009 14:31

I think it also depends on how much say the husband has into whether the wife entertains/ has kids staying etc. If the woman makes the decisions and fills her life up with stuff and then expects husband to stay in and do what she wants rather than do what he wants then that is unreasonable. Sometimes women can be a bit martyry about this sort of stuff, filling the evenings with activities then moaning about how tired and stressed they are. Men know having kids stay over/ folk for dinner can be stressful so are more inclined to go to the pub and meet up.
I don't think husbands should just play a supporting role to their wives.
I wouldn't be happy if my husband often had people round after work and I was expected to help with the cooking and entertaining.
I'd be inclined to go to the pub/stay late at work to get some peace.

BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 14:52

"If the woman makes the decisions and fills her life up with stuff and then expects husband to stay in and do what she wants rather than do what he wants then that is unreasonable."

Very well said

Original poster

Greensleeves · 29/04/2009 16:09

We kissed and made up last night, we were both so relieved and ended up snuggling all night

thanks for the sensible advice and support, I needed it!

Anna - two points:

you are assuming that the demanding friend is MY friend and that I alone decided whether/when to invite her and whether or not to have her dd. This is an odd assumption and also happens to be wrong.

2)"If I had been the DH I wouldn't have wanted to go home to an overwrought DW with a demanding friend and a miscellaneous child for the night! I'd have stayed out drinking with my friends..." Really? Then you're a selfish bitch who probably wasn't quite ready to have children of your own.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 16:14

Your post said "I had a friend round for dinner with her DD this evening, because I'm having her DD overnight...". If it had been your DH's decision too, surely you would have said We etc?

Original poster

Greensleeves · 29/04/2009 16:16

I tend to say that on MN because I (rather than we) am on MN

it makes little difference - I still think your attitude stinks and you have no manners

but thanks for your contributions

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 16:18

Well it certainly made your post very unclear indeed - it sounded as if you had made a unilateral decision for your evening and were then complaining that your DH didn't want to join in!

2rebecca · 29/04/2009 16:36

I agree with Anna. If my husband and I both invited a mutual friend round then neither of us would then decide to go out for the evening. You did make it sound as though the friend and daughter were all your idea and your husband was choosing to go out with his friends rather than stay with yours.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 29/04/2009 16:39

imo YANBU he was being a bit thoughtless but i'm glad you made up last night.

LMAO over "self centred cuntbubble". will have to save that one for next time hubby complains about me going out - in 2014 that will be probably.

Fennel · 29/04/2009 17:11

You do realise that the correct response is to go out drinking the next night with your friends? Making sure you leave catatonically tired hungery children and a messy house for him to deal with? And, if you're feeling really evil, offer to babysit some menace of a child and then leave him with the extra child too.

That way noone builds up too much resentment. It works for us.

reach4sky · 29/04/2009 17:14

Well I find this idea of "his and her friends" rather odd. When we have friends to supper I certainly don't think of them as either my friends or DH's friends unless its a work colleague whom I've never met, they're just our friends. FWIW, I assuemd it was a family friend coming over.

Also find it rather strange that people use words like "expecting husband to stay in". Isn't it just common courtesy that if your other half is in a situation where she could use some help (eg having friends to stay midweek when she's been at work and suffering from insomnia) that you do what you can to help? It's a marriage, not a competition.

2rebecca · 29/04/2009 17:21

I definitely have my friends and husband has his, we have some common friends but most are friends of just one of us. We also have separate hobbies but some joint ones.
If it's my friend coming my husband usually does his own thing. He may be there for dinner, but then he may have a meeting, cricket practice, be helping kids with homework etc.
We don't entertain much during the week though as too busy with jobs and kids and everyone's hobbies.

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