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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this Librarian could've been a little more sensitive?

77 replies

chegirl · 24/04/2009 21:58

My friend has spent a very long time arranging for a permanent memorial for children who have died. There is to be an opening ceremony soon. The work she has put in is absolutly amazing. Can you imagine the red tape? Added to this of course is her own grief at losing her child.

Anyway - I offered to help publicise the event as I live locally (the event is open to everyone, everywhere regardless of where their child died.) I have been giving out flyers and posters and people have been very nice.

I thought the local main library would be a good place to put a poster. I asked a librarian who then directed me vaguely upstairs. I eventually found the right person and asked her if she would put the poster up. She took it from me and actually sniffed as she read it. She took ages to read it - far longer than neccessary and I am assuming as a librarian she has no literacy problems.

She then looked at me and said 'well I dont think we can put this up in the library. We dont have much room. We have to be very careful and we can only publicise local events'
I said 'it is local'

She put on one of those half smirks that make me want to smack people and said '[postcode]?' in a questioning voice. As if I was an idiot and didnt realise where I was or what day it was.

I explained that although the cemetary was not in the same post code if anyone local had lost a child the service and burial would be held there. Therefore it was the local cemetary. (its not like there is one in every london postcode!)

She looked at me over her glasses and said in a really patronising voice 'well I am sorry dear but I really cannot put this up, I can only publicise local events. I am sure you understand dear. I would like to but I simply cant'.

Would it have been too much to publicise it? What about all the local bereaved parents? Is she really trying to tell me that she cannot put anything on her board that does not happen directly in the postcode? So no stuff about events in London, festivals, health notices etc?

I know this may sound trivial but a little bit of sensitivity wouldnt of hurt would it?

OP posts:

suwoo · 24/04/2009 21:59

She is a bitch. I hope it goes well for everyone concerned.

RumourOfAHurricane · 24/04/2009 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chequersmate · 24/04/2009 22:01

YANBU.

Making me mad to think about it.

I can't comprehend losing a child (please, please don't ever want to have to).

The idea of standing in the way of helping anyone who's been through this is just.

Grrrrrrr.

nancy75 · 24/04/2009 22:03

she sounds like a jobsworth.
i think your friend is doing a lovely thing, its a shame there arent more people like you & your friens and less like the librarian. hope it goes well.

BitOfFun · 24/04/2009 22:05

Twat of the week award for sure

If you can be arsed, do take a leaflet on how to complain to the council, she sounds like one of those awful "I run the show around here" types...

TotalChaos · 24/04/2009 22:06

yanbu. jobsworth cow.

StayFrosty · 24/04/2009 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EightiesChick · 24/04/2009 22:10

Miserable cow!

If you don't want to let it go (probably better to but I can see why not) next time you are passing, go back to her and ask for a written copy of the library's policy on publicising events, as you want to complain to the council about it. You can then sweetly tell her, when she can't produce such a written policy, that you will have to include this omission in your complaint letter, and can you have her name please?

Good on you and your friend for your kind work on this - I hope it turns out really well.

Ivykaty44 · 24/04/2009 22:12

Get on to the council and complain

explain it is for local parents in that postcode not the event but for the beareaved parents in that postcode.

If you dont complain it will happen again.

Wouldn't have happened in my local library as the librarian lost a child

junglist1 · 24/04/2009 22:13

Chegirl, it doesn't sound trivial at all. Some people are clueless, but she is also heartless. How anyone can sniff at such a thing is really beyond me. Surely what grieving parents need is some compassion,and support. Sorry this happened. Maybe complain?

Lilymaid · 24/04/2009 22:14

I doubt whether she was a librarian, probably just an assistant with attitude (I say that as a real librarian who has had frequent run ins with jobsworth assistants in public libraries). I'd suggest you make a complaint to the County Librarian (or Area Librarian) and your local councillor - it is after all a local service!

unfitmother · 24/04/2009 22:16

Evil bitch - complain!

BigBellasBeerBelly · 24/04/2009 22:18

Bitch bitch bitchbitchbitch

What a fucking bitch.

If I were you I would cry and feel that the world was a horrible place.

But you are better than me.

March in and ask for the policy. Complain to the council. That is so awful and insensitive it's just unbelievable. Do something...

Songbird · 24/04/2009 22:19

Unbelievable! Thank God it wasn't your friend who went in and asked

Original poster

chegirl · 24/04/2009 22:21

Blimey I only popped off to brush my teeth and look at the replies!

Thank you, lots.

Its hard to tell sometimes. Of course losing my DD is the most important thing in the whole world to me and I know so many bereaved parents who feel the same. Its not that we dont live in the real world or dont care about anything else but losing a child sort of defines you for ever. I can cope with people not knowing but not caring is very hard to take.

I know that its impossible to imagine what its like and I dont expect people to (I wouldnt want anyone to have to know what it feels like). But most people try and empathise. Even those who say silly things are at least trying to be kind. This old witch didnt seem to care at all. Like I had asked her to publicise a jumble sale in Borneo.

She even looked like a cartoon librarian. She had her hair in a shampoo and set and pointy glasses and pink frosted lipstick.

I will write a letter but it will have to wait. Its my daughter's third anniversary on Monday and I cant be dealing with feckwit public servants for a little while yet.

I love the profanities, they made me laugh.

OP posts:

Bleatblurt · 24/04/2009 22:22

Oh she sounds like one of life's charmers.

Can you go back and speak to someone else?

unfitmother · 24/04/2009 22:25

We're always so much more sensitive at the time of our dc's aniversarys, you could have done without that.

poppy34 · 24/04/2009 22:25

stupid munt -I'm with ivykaty to get onto council -and also mention it to local paper.. would be even better publicity for your friends cause.

and as you say no one can understand your pain but you'd have to be some kind of sociopath not to empathise.

poppy34 · 24/04/2009 22:26

and unfit is right - its a bit of a red tape area when you get on/around anniversaries.

poppy34 · 24/04/2009 22:27

yes you could also ask the libary people if she needs help getting her money back from charm school

BouncingTurtle · 24/04/2009 22:29

What a heartless bitch

Good luck with your letter, Chegirl, and what a lovely thing your friend has done!

Original poster

chegirl · 24/04/2009 22:30

Lily no offence to you as a librarian but she was the head librarian. I dont think all librarians are horrible but she was .

TBH its not the first run in I have had in the borough.

I had to take some books back, the day before they were due my DD was admitted to hosptial due to a severe reaction to chemotherapy.
She was in for 6 weeks. She was close to death for most of that time and I didnt leave her at all. It was a terrible time.
When we got home I rung the library and explained why the books were late.
I was told 'your fine is £10.00, when will you come in to pay it. It will keep increasing until you bring them back'

I repeated the reason for the books being late because I thought they could not of understood.
'(long pause) so do you want be to put a stop on the fine? I suppose I can suspend it if you bring them back today'
I said that I would expect them to cancel the fine because of the circumstances.
'well you couldve rung us when you DD got ill'
I told them I had not really considered the books whilst my daughter was so ill.

It took me about 3 months to get it sorted out. Each person I spoke to at the library sort of ignored what I said to them. It was if I was telling them that I didnt bring the books back because I couldnt find the right outfit to wear. It was bizarre!

What did the really expect me to do? DD had luekemia, the chemo was killing her and they expected me to leave her to bring the sodding books back.

I am getting ranty now! arrrgggh.

OP posts:

theDreadPirateRoberts · 24/04/2009 22:30

YANBU. She is a bitch and a fuckwit. If profanities make you laugh I can find many more

junglist1 · 24/04/2009 22:31

It's hard to know what to say about Monday, I just hope you get through as best you can. I'm familiar with your story through another mum site, and the way you write about your daughter, it comes across how hard it is for you. Lots of love to you and your fam.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 24/04/2009 22:32

Ooh, just read your last post. You so have to make a complaint when you're feeling up to it. FGS, these people are supposed to be child-friendly - where do they think readers come from?

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