To think this Librarian could've been a little more sensitive?

[chegirl]

My friend has spent a very long time arranging for a permanent memorial for children who have died. There is to be an opening ceremony soon. The work she has put in is absolutly amazing. Can you imagine the red tape? Added to this of course is her own grief at losing her child.

Anyway - I offered to help publicise the event as I live locally (the event is open to everyone, everywhere regardless of where their child died.) I have been giving out flyers and posters and people have been very nice.

I thought the local main library would be a good place to put a poster. I asked a librarian who then directed me vaguely upstairs. I eventually found the right person and asked her if she would put the poster up. She took it from me and actually sniffed as she read it. She took ages to read it - far longer than neccessary and I am assuming as a librarian she has no literacy problems.

She then looked at me and said 'well I dont think we can put this up in the library. We dont have much room. We have to be very careful and we can only publicise local events'
I said 'it is local'

She put on one of those half smirks that make me want to smack people and said '[postcode]?' in a questioning voice. As if I was an idiot and didnt realise where I was or what day it was.

I explained that although the cemetary was not in the same post code if anyone local had lost a child the service and burial would be held there. Therefore it was the local cemetary. (its not like there is one in every london postcode!)

She looked at me over her glasses and said in a really patronising voice 'well I am sorry dear but I really cannot put this up, I can only publicise local events. I am sure you understand dear. I would like to but I simply cant'.

Would it have been too much to publicise it? What about all the local bereaved parents? Is she really trying to tell me that she cannot put anything on her board that does not happen directly in the postcode? So no stuff about events in London, festivals, health notices etc?

I know this may sound trivial but a little bit of sensitivity wouldnt of hurt would it?

OMG - i cant believe people can be so nasty.

What a wonderful thing you are doing - good luck

Print this out and either go back and ask her to display it or just stick it up on the noticeboard yourself.

flight I do agree with you that she has obviously got some deeper issues that are making her behave like a plonk but also I do think that sometimes a plonk is just a plonk is just a plonk .

Thanks TW I guess it makes me sad seeing people write her off as though she's not human

I know her behaviour was awful, but being nasty back doesn't help iygwim.

I find it a bit disturbing when people start screeching 'bitch' at her.

But isn't that part of the point of this place ? We can come on here and have a good old moan but we all know that confronted with this woman , who I do think was wrong and rude and completely unempathetic we would probably react by leaving and moaning to someone else and maybe writing a well worded letter to her or her superiors complainging about the treatment .

I however would have probably cried as it would have taken every ounce of strength I had to even ask someone for permission for something so personal and to then have it refused would have felt like a very personal insult . Both to me and my dead child .

complaining obviously

I can't stand those miserable people who seize every petty pathetic little bit of power their job affords them and milk it for all it's worth. I don't really care what their issues are.

That librarian just sounds mean spirited and totally ill suited to a public facing role.

It has made me so reading some of these posts about these horrible,insensitive people. How dare they act in that way when you've lost the most precious gift in your life, your child. I'm sending big (((hugs)))) to you both and remember...what goes round {smile]

Sori I forgot to say I think a memorial is a lovely, selfless idea and would bring much comfort to other parents.

Hi,
Thanks for all your messages. I have been out today buying pots and plants for my front garden. Last year on Billie girl's anniversary we made it into a memory garden. Its only a tiny london front garden but we made it look so lovely. Its our new tradition now. I have collected pebbles and I paint the names of other children to be remembered on them. Nothing flash, just a name in bright paint. We will weed and repot and plant all day on Monday. It gives me something beautiful to do for my beautiful girl.

Flight I do understand what you are saying. I tend to try and think 'around' people's rudeness and odd reactions usually. But I have to be honest here - I didnt get that from this woman at all.

The ceremony is tommorow so no time to do anything just now. Also its not my event and the couple who have organised it are a quiet, dignified pair and I dont want to upset them. BUT I will pursue it. I think it needs to be done even if nothing comes of it.

I am sorry to hear the stories of insensitivity from other parents. I dont think we expect to be treated like VIPs but some compassion would be nice. Its not hard to read notes, look someone in the eye and ask pertinant questions is it?

When our DS2's therapist did his first visit he did the family tree thing. He included Billie all he did was use a dotted line instead of a complete one. He said 'because she is such and important person in DS2's life'. He was making a conscious effort to let us know he knew.

Shabs darling - the bank? I attempted to close Billie's account about 18 mths after she died. It took me that long to get up the nerve.
The boy at the desk was awful. I told him I wanted to close my daughter's account. he said 'why?' I said because she died. He sighed and said 'Well have you got the death certificate?' I said 'no I dont need it , she was only 14 the account was in my name' He sighed and 'Well I will have to go and check that'. He went off and came back and said 'well this time I will let you do it but I cant do it again'.

The computors were down so I couldnt do it that day. I happend to have my car towed away that day too. The man at the pound would not give me Billie's disability badge back (I didnt use it, I kept it in the care with me) He was going to cut it in half, through her picture. I was heavily pregnant at the time and I lost it so much I almost passed out with the hysteria. Awful.

Anyway I went back to the bank the following week and the same boy was there. I explained what I wanted to do and he said
'Oh yeah I remember you now. I told you you needed the death certificate and you stormed out in a huff!'

Excuse me but

Fucking twat!

Anyway

Thanks all again for your help and support and your understanding. IT means a lot.

Oh god chegirl people are horrible aren't they. I just despair of the human race

che - your billie and my matt and gareth will get all those fuckers who have opposed us and belittled us. Im sorry to anyone reading this who cant believe how bereaved people are treated.

Within a month of my second son dying the mortgage people re-possessed our home. It was a poxy ex council house....they came to my home and turfed out myself and my 20 year old dog. That day the compensation came through for my beloved DS3 - £7,500 I paid back the amount of mortgage owed and a few bills and suddenly it was gone.....all the money!!!I paid phone bills, electric bills etc etc etc. How I wish I had wasted that money on a fantastic holiday.

Life is so very short.....too short. xx

the entire Primary school sang this at my DS3's funeral They sang it so loud that even now when I hear it it makes me grin....

Che - MASSIVE FUCKING TWAT - AND I DONT CARE EVEN IF MY 75 YEAR OLD MAM IS READING THIS!!! One day KARMA will happen - and what goes around comes around xxxxx

chegirl wish i was there to help you out... dealing with asswipes like her is my forte. my mantra is, 'i'm an artist. i can this places'. definitely complain. i can only imagine the heartache of losing a child and that brings tears to my eyes. grabs DD and thanks the universe for her

flight "I would bet you anything she has had something happen that makes her act this way." ya, its called a stick in the ass thats needs to be removed. she was blatantly rude to chegirl. if she did loose a child and was unable to grieve and has decided to piss on anyone who has, double boo on her for behaving like a twat.

Go back and stick it to the outside of the window. Good luck to you and your friend.

I've realised how naive I am, I honestly thought anyone would do anything for a grieving parent. And the thing is, when parents who have lost a child are faced with evil power tripping twats, their emotional resources might not be able to stretch to complaining, especially in the very raw stages.

Awwwww Im so sorry for my drunken outburst - I never say the T word xx

What Bella said

Just find hard to comprehend that people can be so lacking in compassionate to those who have suffered a loss

I work as a call centre agent and a couple of times I have had callers on the phone in tears because of letters they have received about arrears. I just want to hug them, and I cannot understand why anyone else would not react in the same way and just want to comfort a person in distress - I'm not special or anything to want to do this!

To all my lovely, ranty (or otherwise) Mumsnet friends.

I am just off with my family to honour my darling girl and ALL of the children that have been lost.

I will be thinking of all of our children. This thing that my friend has done is so much more important that I think even she realises. Coming at this time of year it is particularly special for me.

Thank you for making me laugh with your rude words and support.

Love to you all and all of your children whether they are in your arms or in your hearts.

Sob.

from che and Billie girl x

I hope today goes as well as it can for you chegirl . Love to you and your gorgeous Billie x

beautiful words Che....take care xxx

hope your day was peaceful and lovely

I hope your day went well - i actually realised i met your friend in rl on Friday night - she was also on the radio this morning.