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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Delayed punishment for a nearly 4yo

97 replies

cornflakegirl · 23/04/2009 13:32

When I got home from work yesterday, my nearly 4yo DS told me that he'd wet himself at toddler group. He's normally pretty good about using the toilet, although he does have a tendency to jiggle about, swearing blind he doesn't need a wee, then rush off to the toilet two minutes later because he's desperate. Occasionally he has damp pants, but a full on accident is pretty rare.

Later on, DH (who is a SAHD) told DS that he wasn't allowed to use the CBeebies website. When I asked why, DH said it was his punishment for wetting himself. I had a small debate with DH about it not being a suitable punishment (in front of DS, who fortunately didn't pay any attention), but went along with it.

I discussed it later with DH, saying that I didn't think a delayed punishment was a good idea, as DS is too young. However, DH pointed out that DS clearly remembered what he had done and knew it was wrong (he had said to me that Daddy wasn't cross with him any more).

We don't often use punishment as such with DS - generally counting to three, or letting him know that his behaviour is making us cross is enough, although we do sometimes use timeouts. I still feel that it was a random punishment, and that punishing him for carelessness when it isn't an ongoing problem isn't really appropriate. But I'm thinking that I probably overreacted. What should I have done, and how should we handle it in the future?

OP posts:
Gmarksthespot · 23/04/2009 13:39

Am that he is being punished for wetting his pants. He is not quite 4!!!! It is not his fault!!!!

fwiw I also think he is too young to be punished hours after the "crime". They need to be disciplined at the time.

MorocconOil · 23/04/2009 13:40

Inappropriate sanction IMO.

SerendipitousHarlot · 23/04/2009 13:40

I personally don't think it's appropriate to punish children for wetting themselves AT ALL And at 4, he's only little, the odd accident has to be expected. I think your dh was very harsh, regardless of the delayed aspect of the punishment.

stinkymonkey · 23/04/2009 13:43

To be honest it would never have occured to me to punish a child of this age for wetting themself - I would just be very matter of fact and say "Never mind, everyone has accidents, let's get you into something dry" and be very neutral about the whole thing.

Some children do wet themselves to attract attention, and by making a big deal out of punishing them you are playing into this. But ime with boys, it just tends to be the case that they get ingrossed in playing, forget then next thing they're sitting in a puddle.

Delayed punishments might work for some children, but personally I would not have done it in this case.

seeker · 23/04/2009 13:44

Delayed punishment - wrong.

Punishment for wetting himself - very wrong.

Gorionine · 23/04/2009 13:46

I do not think wetting himself needs a punishment. It is quite a punisment in itself surely?

Sassybeast · 23/04/2009 13:46

Wrong wrong wrong. To punish 'at ALL' for wetting is wrong.

HuwEdwards · 23/04/2009 13:53

My older DD wet herself when she was 6 purely because she didn't want to leave a game - and so left it too late. She peed on the bathroom floor. It happens.

She got a 'well next time you won't leave it so late', jumped in the shower, I cleaned up. That was the end.

Punishing a 3 year old isn't right and probably won't achieve the desired outcome anyway.

cornflakegirl · 23/04/2009 13:54

Wow - wasn't expecting the response to be quite that polarised!

What's wrong with there being consequences to wetting himself? He needs to know that it's not acceptable to hang on and hang on and hang on until it's too late. I would normally just make him change himself and put his own clothes in the washing machine - but that's a bit tricky when they were out at an activity.

OP posts:
MorocconOil · 23/04/2009 13:58

Any attention positive or negative for this is likely to reinforce the behaviour. I can't see the big deal about a small child wetting themselves. I'd just ignore it aside from helping him get changed.

oldraver · 23/04/2009 13:59

OMG... You not only punish a 4 yr old for wetting himself but you make him put his own clothe sin the washing machine

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 23/04/2009 14:01

By punishing a small child for wetting themselves you're going to create anxiety around the issue, which is ultimately going to make them more likely to wet themselves.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 23/04/2009 14:08

My DS (4.5) had a very rare accident this week at nursery. It is the first one for over 6 months and circumstances were exactly as OP described.

He was utterly embarassed by it. Before I knew about the accident, I told him I was going to have a chat with his key worker (normally he loves this and is very enthusiastic), and he got all shifty and said he didn't want me to.

The story then came out - au pair told me. So DS and I had a chat and a cuddle. I asked him to telll me what had happened. He didn't want to, but eventually did. I hope that talking it through and discussing why it is not a good idea to hold on until it is too late was the right solution - I believe it was.

As for OP - I do think that it is probably inapropriate to punish a child in those circumstances. You just need to reinforce the message to go to the loo. when DS denies he needs to go, I will say "no telly / no drink / no breakfast / stories....etc until you've done a wee. GO!"

seeker · 23/04/2009 14:08

"What's wrong with there being consequences to wetting himself?"

Put simply - what's wrong with it is that he's 3.

ElinorDashwood · 23/04/2009 14:09

Wrong on two counts.
Punishing a three year old for wetting himself.
Using delayed punishment on a three year old.

ElinorDashwood · 23/04/2009 14:10

I see everyone else on this thread has the same reaction. I suggest you show this thread to your DH.

HSMM · 23/04/2009 14:11

My DD aged 9 still hangs on til the last possible moment and then dashes to the toilet. It happens. When we are out for the day, she still has to be ordered to perform if we pass a public toilet, so she doesn't leave it til the last minute (and then there's no toilets).

ThePellyandMe · 23/04/2009 14:16

I have never punished either of my children for wetting themselves, ever... I agree with everyone else it is very wrong.

I am really shocked TBH. DS1 still used to leave it too late until recently and he's 6. I just remind him to try not to leave it until the last minute and he cleans himself up.

Children still do it when they go to school FGS. It's normal!!!

FatFree · 23/04/2009 14:18

I work in a nursery full of 3 and 4 yr olds and it isnt uncommon for a child to get excited and wet themselves even if they have been dry for ages.

We certainly dont punish the children for this and i would hope the parents dont either!

Kids having fun often forget to go for a wee or are so engrossed that they dont want to leave what they are doing.

sleeplessinstretford · 23/04/2009 14:18

i am with the op slightly here-she knows her child better than any of us,mine at 3 understood cause and effect and could hold a reasoned debate as to why she shouldn't be 'put to bed,in the dark,on her own,when she's only 3' i did the whole 'dusting down and no problem' with the weeing until i realised she was ignoring cues and then wetting herself-not often,but sometimes- the final straw was when she said 'it doesn't matter mummy,it's only a bit of wee' at some point you have to say 'it does matter-you have to use a toilet'...depending on the child-you maybe being unreasonable,only you know. The delayed punishment I might have an issue with as i can't bear dragging things out-would rather deal with issues there and then and not carry them on ad infinitum.

stinkymonkey · 23/04/2009 14:19

The fact that you are punishing him, yet he is still doing it, is proof that your punishments aren't working. If you want him to stop, you need to take a different approach.

BlueEyedMaid · 23/04/2009 14:31

I don't think telly is an appropriate punishment for wetting your pants. It's delayed and also completely unrelated to what happened so won't make much sense to your LO.

When we went through this phase we picked up a strategy from nursery that worked a treat: Getting DS to change himself if he wet himself - notably always after being asked if he needed the toilet. Sometimes kids just forget because they're busy - that skill comes with time.

But DS went through a phase of simply refusing to go, so it was good for him to understand how much it work was to get himself undressed, wash himself (with help obviously but we let him take the lead), find new clothes, put them on himself, and finally put his wet clothes in the washing machine. After going through that rigmarole and lost playing time he didn't refuse to go very often. We stayed with him the whole time of course. While it's easy to get angry with them there really is no point as they'll already know they've one something 'wrong', and shame isn't a good spin to put on toilet training.

bubblagirl · 23/04/2009 14:32

my ds is nearly 4 and i wouldnt dream of punishing him for weeing himself i send him to pre school with spare clothes in case and children often need to be reminded at any age as get engrossed in what there doing and dont always make it on time

imo weeing isnt a punishable offense

i do make my ds put his clothes in washing machine not as punishment but as helping mummy clean up but i dont get cross with him i thank him for helping me and remind him to try and go quicker next time to the toilet

i think a chat would be ok but punishing no

CompareTheMeerkat · 23/04/2009 14:36

DD will be 4 in September and she sometimes has an accident at pre-school.

It is an accident. I would not punish her for it at all.

EasterBump · 23/04/2009 14:44

Ha ha.

Lots of at an OP being told she is
being massively unreasonable, but not for
the original 'crime' she was asking about!

FWIW, I agree.

Any delayed punishment for 3yr old - Not ideal

Punishment for wetting self - very very inappropriate.