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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Delayed punishment for a nearly 4yo

97 replies

cornflakegirl · 23/04/2009 13:32

When I got home from work yesterday, my nearly 4yo DS told me that he'd wet himself at toddler group. He's normally pretty good about using the toilet, although he does have a tendency to jiggle about, swearing blind he doesn't need a wee, then rush off to the toilet two minutes later because he's desperate. Occasionally he has damp pants, but a full on accident is pretty rare.

Later on, DH (who is a SAHD) told DS that he wasn't allowed to use the CBeebies website. When I asked why, DH said it was his punishment for wetting himself. I had a small debate with DH about it not being a suitable punishment (in front of DS, who fortunately didn't pay any attention), but went along with it.

I discussed it later with DH, saying that I didn't think a delayed punishment was a good idea, as DS is too young. However, DH pointed out that DS clearly remembered what he had done and knew it was wrong (he had said to me that Daddy wasn't cross with him any more).

We don't often use punishment as such with DS - generally counting to three, or letting him know that his behaviour is making us cross is enough, although we do sometimes use timeouts. I still feel that it was a random punishment, and that punishing him for carelessness when it isn't an ongoing problem isn't really appropriate. But I'm thinking that I probably overreacted. What should I have done, and how should we handle it in the future?

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 23/04/2009 15:35

I'm so not showing this thread to DH!

I am completely gobsmacked that you all think we're so massively unreasonable - clearly the mumsnet effect, because I know we're a long way from being the harshest parents among our peers.

(And thank you to sleepless and BlueEyedMaid for reassuring me that I'm not a complete freak!)

We probably are guilty of forgetting just how little DS still is though. So I will suggest to DH that we cut DS some slack and save the discipline for stuff like hitting.

Thanks. I think.

OP posts:
MorningTownRide · 23/04/2009 15:48

Dd is 4 and always seems to have damp knickers

We would never punish her for weeing in her pants or bed.

I remember when I was 4 in nursery it was my turn to play the shop keeper. I was gagging for a wee but didn't want to lose my 'go'. Cue me standing in a pool of wee.

Thsi is normal behaviour NOT naughty behaviour.

AND dh is SAHD and we occasionally have delayed punishment issues. I say 'not on'. An definately won't tell them off when I come home (just thought I'd add that not really relevant!)

So there!

saint2shoesgeorge · 23/04/2009 15:54

yabu
I am gobsamacked that you would consider punishing a 3 year old for wetting them selves

wolfnipplechips · 23/04/2009 15:54

Delayed punishment, i think a 4yo can probably comprehend it.
But that you would punish a child of any age for wetting himself. My dd is mortified if she has an accident. Its normal FGS they get excited, they pee.

purpleduck · 23/04/2009 16:09

I agree that its not good to punish for wetting himself.

What if the signals still aren't as they should be, or maybe he recognises them too late, or maybe the bladder control isn't 100% yet...?
There are alot of reasons why he could be wetting himself - he is not necessarily being naughty.

dreamteamgirl · 23/04/2009 16:11

cornflakegirl
I dont think being cross and 'punishing' by making him change himself and putting clothes int he machine is at all wrong. We all know our own children and you know if he has done it through being nearly 4, or just plain carelessness

My DS wets himself through giggling and that is fine, especially as it can happen even if he has only been for a wee 10 mins before (see giggle incontinence and that doesnt bother me, but when he hops around not going cos he doesnt want to leave his toys then wets himself it REALLY irritates me

Agree about delayed punishment being inappropriate tho

Chaotica · 23/04/2009 16:17

What the other posters have said (except the OP and the lone dissenter). Maybe start punishing him if he does it deliberately when he's 10.

(I sympathise OP - I wash a lot of trousers for DD, but she's too busy to think about boring stuff sometimes.)

(FWIW my two like putting their clothes in the washing machine...)

ElinorDashwood · 23/04/2009 16:23

I'm not sure what you mean by the mumsnet effect, Cornflakegirl?

carocaro · 23/04/2009 16:40

It is very frustrating when they pee and poo themselves, all the clothes to wash etc. But he is only 4 and being punished/no website/clothes in the machine, too heavy handed. A firm talking too if what I would have done, and do again and again till it sinks in, they are such busy little people at 4 and they do leave it to the last min and have accidents. I just hope he does not feel too sad about being punished in this way. Too much, he's 4!

redsock · 23/04/2009 16:43

you know what, I would think twice about my dh being a sahd if i found out he'd done something like this...cruel parenting is not on.

cornflakegirl · 23/04/2009 17:10

redsock - that is completely uncalled for!

Elinor - I don't mean anything sinister or unpleasant - just that I don't think that the demographic of mumsnet is representative of the population as a whole.

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 23/04/2009 17:17

dreamteamgirl - yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

Although I do accept that my degree of irritation is not necessarily a good indication of the severity of the offence

OP posts:
chocolateismyonlyweakness · 23/04/2009 17:29

Cornflakegirl, my ds continually had accidents in his pants, poo and wee, he only saw the point in going to the toilet when he told my mum "poos are dirty aren't they?" It sorted itself out.

I would say if it happens again, just pay no attention and casually say don't miss the loo next time because it's uncomfortable for you.

piscesmoon · 23/04/2009 17:32

I also think it was wrong on both counts.

redsock · 23/04/2009 17:40

Why is it uncalled for?
I got rid of my ex for less and I DID say I would, not that you should.

LeonieSoSleepy · 23/04/2009 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

doobry · 23/04/2009 17:48

Actually I'm another who had a DC who just didn't care if they wet themselves and seemed to think it didn't matter. DC kept coming home from preschool in a change of clothes having wet themselves. I told DC that if they had dry pants at the end of the day they could have a bag of crisps in the car on the way home. After three dry days, and three bags of crisps, there was another wet day. I rustled the crisp packet to remind DC it was there then when DC asked for the crisps I said no because of wet pants. That was the last time they had wet pants. Incidentally the reward did get reduced over time, before the MN police get me for feeding my DC too many crisps! It had to be enough of a motivator to make it work.

How you react to wetting should depend entirely on the reason why the child is wetting. In this case it was because it was more interesting to play. They do need to know that it isn't ok to just wee wherever and whenever. They may as well be in nappies then. Obviously if it's an anxiety issue then any hint of punishment is inappropriate. If it's a UTI (which happened with one of mine) then you get that treated etc. You need to know your child, and I assume the OP does!

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2009 18:04

at 4 there is no reason why a child cant have a punishment later on that day, ie saying no tv/playing games online etc IF that is something they enjoy and losing it will make them think about it

cornflake girl and dh knows their own child and although gnerally i wouldnt punish/tell off a child who wets theirselves - there are some circumstances when i agree with her

sometimes there are times when my dc wets hilmself on purpose with mb, and she has taken away either his fav teddy for the night or tv - both which he loves

he is dry and has been for a year and yet some weeks he wets himself 3 times a day with her, yet none with me the next day, so not a wee infection etc - just him trying it on - leaving him in wet pants doesnt bother him and just means he gets a sore willy, which we dont want

he does have prob another 20 cuddlys in his bed - so not completley mean

cornflakegirl · 23/04/2009 18:28

blondes - I'm glad you said he had another 20 cuddlies - I can't imagine the meltdown I'd get if I took DS's bear away!

redsock - it's hardly cruel to say that a 3yo can't use a website for one evening.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2009 18:35

we are not that mean - but tony teddy is his fav

and one night of no teddy then he will be dry and go to the toilet for many days/weeks

and yes one night of no ceebeeies etc wont kill/harm then

i will back up mb just as i expect her to back up me

but i feal cornflake you and i are in the minority

seeker · 23/04/2009 21:41

It may be worth thinking about why you are in a minority. Just because you have found that a particular sanction works doesn't necessarily mean that it's a good thing to do.

ChippingIn · 23/04/2009 21:56

It doesn't mean that it's a bad thing to do either... just depends on who is around here at any given time.

OP - you and your DH know your child. If it was a genuine accident then I wouldn't tell off/punish, but if it's a 'too busy to bother' I would. LO had been out of nappies over a year and wet her knickers a few months ago - her answer was 'It doesn't matter you can just wash them' - not in a cute way, in a so-what-thats-all-you're-there-for-not-MY-problem kind of a way... cue standing in the downstairs loo waiting for quite some time while I 'washed' them... wont be doing it again as 'that was sooooo boring'.

Delayed punishment for an almost 4 year old. No problem, FGS LO (just turned 2) understands it and has for a little while now.

No ceebeebies website for a day - seems like a reasonable punishment to me.

So, sorry OP, even though you sound very nice, you are BU and your DH did what I would have done...

redsock · 23/04/2009 22:58

Cornflake girl, were you being facetious?

I think you know that I meant he has been cruel for punishing a 4 yr old for a wetting accident not the ceebeebies withdrawal!!
could not care less WHAT that punishment is, fact is, it is mean to punish child for toilet accidents at that age

SamJamsmum · 24/04/2009 07:17

It would be inappropriate to use delayed punishment.
It would be infinitely more inappropriate to punish a not-quite-4 yr old for wetting themselves. They are called 'accidents' for a reason. At that age it's easy for a child to become distracted.

SamJamsmum · 24/04/2009 07:17

It would be inappropriate to use delayed punishment.
It would be infinitely more inappropriate to punish a not-quite-4 yr old for wetting themselves. They are called 'accidents' for a reason. At that age it's easy for a child to become distracted.