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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Delayed punishment for a nearly 4yo

97 replies

cornflakegirl · 23/04/2009 13:32

When I got home from work yesterday, my nearly 4yo DS told me that he'd wet himself at toddler group. He's normally pretty good about using the toilet, although he does have a tendency to jiggle about, swearing blind he doesn't need a wee, then rush off to the toilet two minutes later because he's desperate. Occasionally he has damp pants, but a full on accident is pretty rare.

Later on, DH (who is a SAHD) told DS that he wasn't allowed to use the CBeebies website. When I asked why, DH said it was his punishment for wetting himself. I had a small debate with DH about it not being a suitable punishment (in front of DS, who fortunately didn't pay any attention), but went along with it.

I discussed it later with DH, saying that I didn't think a delayed punishment was a good idea, as DS is too young. However, DH pointed out that DS clearly remembered what he had done and knew it was wrong (he had said to me that Daddy wasn't cross with him any more).

We don't often use punishment as such with DS - generally counting to three, or letting him know that his behaviour is making us cross is enough, although we do sometimes use timeouts. I still feel that it was a random punishment, and that punishing him for carelessness when it isn't an ongoing problem isn't really appropriate. But I'm thinking that I probably overreacted. What should I have done, and how should we handle it in the future?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 24/04/2009 15:41

79 people have voted in my poll on the other board, so far. This is an American based board, BTW.

1 yes, take away website
1 yes, punish some other way
74 no, do not punish him,
1 other

The other commented that it would depend on why he had wet himself.

So this reaction? Not a Mumsnet reaction. A pretty normal parenting reaction that agrees punishing for wetting is not a good idea for the child.

I'll update if more people vote!

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 24/04/2009 15:55

Cornflakegirl have you survived the onslaught

I've had another read through everything you posted and I can't see anywhere that you say that you normally punish him for wetting himself.

You say he has to change himself (which is perfectly reasonable at that age as he is able to dress himself) and then you both put his clothes in the washing machine. That in itself isn't a punishment, it's just dealing with the consequences (a fine lesson and not a negative one at all as long as all done in an "oh dear, let's go and get changed" kind of a way).

So... from what I can see you don't usually punish him - but correct me if I've missed something

Now I'm confusing myself. So... punishing is wrong, but I'm not convinced that you do.

So, your dh is unreasonable for punishing at all and for punishing so late, but other than that? I'm lost

cornflakegirl · 24/04/2009 16:05

Hi Crunch - I'm still in one piece. Just.

No, we don't normally punish him. But in DH's place I would probably have been quite cross, and would have let DS know that, because in normal circumstances I expect him to be able to get the the toilet before he wees. So I stand judged for that. And will try to be more patient with him.

OP posts:
SamsMama · 24/04/2009 16:08

This is interesting. I agree with whoever said "it depends on why he's wetting". An accident at his age is just that, an accident. However, I had a cousin who used this as a way of controlling her parents. Anytime she felt she wasn't getting enough attention, there she'd be in wet pants. She also, if I recall correctly, once peed in a basket of clean laundry when she was upset with her mother.

And I don't think it's unreasonable for an almost 4 year old to change himself. I actually heard that in a parenting advice column a few years ago. The expert said to give the child no attention, just say, "Go get some clean clothes and put them on." (I think in this case it was a habitual wetter though)

But yeah, delayed punishment doesn't usually work at his age.

cornflakegirl · 24/04/2009 16:13

Tee - I reckon everyone on the other site is too scared to give a dissenting opinion as well

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 24/04/2009 16:14

Fair enough - you have shown dignity and have listened to the constuctive criticism offered (ignoring, the odd not-so-constructive criticism )

All is well with the world once more.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 24/04/2009 16:16

Argh, why did I have to cross post with the ""!

I'll have to take it all back now

cornflakegirl · 24/04/2009 16:18

I'm pretty sure you're not insured to fly in your condition anyway!

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 24/04/2009 16:19

Damnit!

Tee2072 · 24/04/2009 16:26

You don't know this board, cornflakegirl. There is no fear there, trust me!

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 24/04/2009 16:30

It's ok, think she's joking Tee

sheena1 · 24/04/2009 16:44

Omg why punnish a "not quite 4 yr old" for wetting himself . thats not right nor is delayed punishment

a punishment should be issued there n then when the behaviour is bad but comeon wetting him self as bad behaviour dont think so

my dd has accidents yes i tell her its wrong but no way would i issue a punishment

little children forget they have pants on and play and get distracted they have been in nappies for a while takes the brain time to adjust

cornflakegirl · 24/04/2009 16:44

Tee - does that mean they're even scarier than us? Or is there no fear because they're all lovely and have tickers?

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 24/04/2009 16:46

Sheena - DS has been in pants for nearly as long as he was in nappies. I think his brain may have adjusted.

OP posts:
sheena1 · 24/04/2009 16:52

still hes only nearly 4 why punish him for wetting himself and hours after the incident has happend madness or what

SugarBird · 24/04/2009 17:49

I think that delayed punishment is a problem for two reasons. Firstly, when they're little they are creatures of the moment and won't really understand why they're missing out on telly/computer etc several hours later.

Secondly, what happens if they've behaved beautifully ever since the incident that led to the delayed punishment? It seems a shame to punish them when they're being good!

Can't speak for others but my children were still a bit leaky at this age and the only time we got (a little bit) cross was when they were hopping around obviously needing to go but refused - with the inevitable puddle a few minutes later. All part of the learning curve, though (and oh boy were my DSs both slow learners on this one ).

Personally I don't think that punishment is appropriate for toilet 'accidents' but we're all human and sometimes we get cross even when we know we shouldn't (or is that just me ?)

slowreadingprogress · 24/04/2009 18:14

agree with the consensus really. Delayed punishment NEVER good let alone for a 3 year old.

And punishment at all for a THREE year old with wet pants is way, way over the top. Inappropriate.

Tee2072 · 24/04/2009 18:20

cornflakegirl they are way scarier than you people!!

Latest results:

4 for punishing him by removing internet
1 for just punishing
101 no punishment
4 other

So I'd say its not just a mumsnet thing for sure.

KingCanuteIAm · 24/04/2009 21:21

Tee I am really interested to know where it is now - I didn't think anywhere was scarier than here - except, possibly the hairy trucker site the trolls all go to to lick their wounds compare notes when they have been over here causing trouble!

Tee2072 · 24/04/2009 21:33

I have no problem telling you!

Its here

You can read without a log in, but you can't post. I am also tee2072 on there and other Delphi boards.

They do not suffer fools gladly. And if they disagree with you? They'll tell you!

Its not strictly a parenting site, but there are a lot of parents there.

KingCanuteIAm · 24/04/2009 21:42

Ooh, I will have a read - I must admit I am a bit scared about posting though

redsock · 25/04/2009 13:41

I have looked at that forum, and not sure why you are saying they dont suffer fools etc, and making out its scary?

Its not like that at all, its just like any other normal forum!!

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