To think my DD would be much better off without me?

[ToAshamedToUseMyName]

I know this is probably not the right place to post in but bh I don't know where else to turn.

I have a DD, a DS & been with DH 7ish years.

I am so over the place right now & don't know what to do for the best.

I feel like the only person I'm of any use to is DS.

DD is my eldest but I feel no connection to her.

There I said it, let the stoning commence - let's face it what kind of mother says she feels nothing for her own child?

A monster, that's who. Me, I'm a monster. I shouldn't be saying that about my DD, I should be saying I love & adore her.

I had PND after DD was born & tbh I don't think I've ever bonded with her. I feel very detached from her & feel she hates me.

Don't get me wrong I don't ignore my DD or treat her differently. I do everything I should as a mum, I make the right noises when she comes home from nursery with a new painting, I feed her, clothe her, play games with her, read to her at bedtime etc etc but I do it all on autopilot because I feel I should.

DD & DH are very close, they have a lovely bond & when DH is home DD is literally glued to him & I find it a relief that she's looking to DH for things rather then me.

She's going through your typical toddler stage at the moment, tantrums, saying no to everything, throwing things at me, laughing at me when I tell her off, slapping me when she doesn't get her own way etc & tbh it's pushing me away further.

I just feel so distant from her, she's going to grow up hating me I just know it.

I have a very different relationship with DS, I felt bonded to him the second I laid eyes on him. I love to be with him, spend time with him, I do things for/with him because I want to - it couldn't be more different.

DH isn't as close to DS as he DD just yet but he generally finds older babies/children easier then smaller babies.

I just feel so lost right now, I feel like I'm a useless mum & even more useless wife.

I keep thinking that DH & DD would be far better of without me, but I'd want DS with me. I know I can't do that as it's wrong so I'm plodding along feeling more down everyday.

I love DH, but constantly worry he'll just one day up & leave - who'd want to be stuck with me especially feeling the way I feel.

Surely DD would be better off without me as a mum?

Darling xxxxxx.

What age is she?

I think a lot of women feel like this at certain times, it won't be forever.

Does your DH know how you feel?

OH your post is so sad.

I really really think you need to go and see your GP, because I truly believe that you're depressed.

You're not a monster.

I'm sorry you feel so low . Are you still suffering with depression? Did you have any PND counselling after having DD? It sounds like you have a lot of issues to come to terms with. I'm sorry I don't really have anymore advice, hopefully someone will be along with something useful.

My DD is not quite 3.

I've tried to talk to DH but to afraid he'll think me a monster.

Have you been to the GP?
You are not a Monster, please don't think like that. You've had a tough time and it sounds like you need some help.

She has a very different personality to your son and that is why you feel you haven't bonded with her. But it doesn't mean you will always feel like this.

Crawling through the toddler stage with any child is hard and with the relationship you have with her at the moment, even harder. But NO, she is definitely not better off without you.

You might just get to a certain time in her life when you click. You might not. Either way she would most likely always choose to have a mother and a father who love her and who want the best for her, rather than a lop sided family life where she felt guilty and responsible for driving her away.

Don't feel bad, I think ALL mothers have hated their children at some point. I have. And I have worried that I am never getting it right. On an hour by hour basis.

My advice would be to either try to fine one thing that you both like and just accept that one thing as something you can do with as little conflict as possible. Say, you could take her swimming on her own or to a cafe for a girls only lunch where she ate whatever she fancied and you read to her whilst waiting (I don't know what she likes and what would suit you guys best). From that one thing, maybe other things will grow.

If you feel calm and in control you will handle her differently so try to find time in your day when you feel like that and see how she responds. Its really hard to love a child when they are at their most demanding but if you can do what I call "nursery teachers voice" (you know, where you talk like Mary Poppins with a smile to everything) it can make an amazing difference.

My health visitor once said to me (about my twins)......."same recipe, different cake" That is all it is. Its not that you don't love her or that she doesn't love you. Its that you haven't found a common ground.

You are not bad.

And the very fact you are posting, proves your love for her x.

Thank you - I can barely think straight at the moment, just feel like worlds worst mum/wife/human being for even admitting how I feel.

Oh bless you, , no YANBU, and you're not a monster.

I felt exactly the same with DS, for the first 3-4 years. (DS is now nearly 6).

I put it down to the birthing experience, as I had spinal anaesthetic, with forceps. I felt that as I hadn't experienced 'painful' childbirth (15 1/2 hour labour, hello?!?), I didn't have the natural bond that all mums are supposed to have when their baby is placed in their arms for the first time. Well, they are, aren't they? I mean, you read about it all the time how mums get the bond, and that they instantly forget the pain of childbirth once they hold baby for the first time? Why didn't it happen to me?

I was actually exhausted and nearly asleep when DS was given to me. I lasted the grand total of 2 mins, before I pretty much blacked out. (I was anaemic too, which didn't help)

I felt nothing over the next 3 years, pretty much. I verged on hating him. Not fair to DS. I just wanted to walk out on both him and DH - was jealous of the love DH showed him, and hated that DS still wanted me, when I so very didn't want him.

But the (kind-of) best thing I ever did was to walk out on something.

My job. I went back to full time work when DS was 18 months, and I put up with it for a further 2 1/2 years

Although I didn't leave my position, I got so worked up over something(situation that happened at work), I could think of nothing but running away from it, and literally ran out of the office, and drove home, crying all the way.

Then I nearly did it again 2 weeks later, and I then realised, hey, this isn't me. I don't do things like this. I went to GP who diagnosed depression, and advised me to change jobs (which I have now done), and gave me tablets.

Speak to your GP, but honestly. Don't try to hide anything - it just makes it worse, until the seams pop elsewhere in your life.

I hid my depression from the midwife, and health visitor. And even from my DH - I fell pg not long after meeting him, and he never really got to know me. He only ever knew the hormonal depressed me. And he still married me!

I was lucky it was my work I walked out on, and not my family.

The change in my attitude towards DS was amazing. DH and I used to fight all the time, we nearly split up twice, cos I felt I needed to be alone. Now it's like we're closer than ever. Not just DH and I, but DS and I.

Well done for taking the first, and most hardest step, though. Realising that something isn't right is always hard to admit - I just thought, for years, that this was how it's supposed to be. But then, thanks to my GP, and a lot of support from my DH, DS and parents, we've gotten through it.

Please. Don't hide it or deny it any longer.
You'll feel so much better for talking it through with your GP, honestly.

Somebody else posted about this recently - when you have a baby everyone expects you to be ecstatically happy and full of unconditional love for your child. So when you don't feel like that it can lead to you feeling ashamed and guilty. Failing to bond with your child is a bit of a taboo subject but is more common than you might think.

You are not a bad mum and you must not feel ashamed.

There was a link to an article that explained it all much better here it is

You?ll be able to fix it ? go to your GP, take the article, explain how you feel and you should be able to get some proper advice or contact the Association for Postnatal Depression : 020 7386 0868. They have heard of this before and should be able to advise better.

Good luck.

Thank you all.

Park - I am so relieved to hear I am not alone in feeling this way, I can only hope my DD & I finally bond as you & your DS have.

Frumpy - thank you for taking the time to reply in such length.

I have a GP appt on Monday for my asthma so will talk to him then....if I can bring myself too.

I don't know where abouts you're based, but I'd love to meet up with you, just to give you a hug

It does help when you know you're not alone, but def def def try to talk to GP. What time's your visit? I'll think of you

Let us all know how you get on x

Many posters here have given very helpful, practical suggestions and I can't add much else there. However, I just wanted to say that I think you're really brave to post this and face up to how you are feeling.

You are clearly not a monster but perhaps could benefit from some help. To carry this around with you for so long is a terrible burden and its time you set yourself free.

This seems to be a more common problem than people like to admit - I seem to have read several posts and articles elsewhere about this lately. As with some other aspects of child rearing, there's a universal expectation that you fall in love with your baby immediately but sometimes for whatever reason it just doesn't happen.

I wish you all the best x

I think I know exactly how you feel, as far as another person can.

It can change, it does change, but sometimes you have to "do" something.

If you're going to the GP anyway, please please talk to them. If you think you won't, right it on a silly piece of paper, and hand it over. Seriously. If you write it down you don't have to think of the words there and then. Once you start talking I think you'll find a way out.

Oh, and let us know.

My app is Monday afternoon, DH has an appt immediately after so we're all trooping to the GPs together.

I've tried so many times to tell DH how I feel but he just shrugs what I'm saying off.

Don't get me wrong, DH is a good man, a good father & provider & he works hard, long & horrid shifts - but as a listener he's not so great.

I can feel myself pulling away from him as a way of trying to protect myself if you know what I mean.

I'm a SAHM which I find harder then I ever dreamed it would be, I don't drive so don't get out a huge amount.

DD started nursery in Jan for a few mornings a week & I feel so different when it's just DS & me at home for those few hours, I feel a little like me again.

I'm hiding in my room typing this & I can't stop crying, DH is in a mood with me as I've barely spoken to him today. I just feel so down today that I keep thinking of just walking out the front door & not coming back.

I know I am so lucky to have 2 healthy & happy DC & a lovely DH so why can I not feel as happy as I should?

Oh dear, you poor thing.

I've said it before, and I dare say I'll say it again; I've been exactly where you are.

Even down to the whole not being able to drive thing, and stuff. As well as DH shrugging it off.

DH decided that he was the world's greatest expert on depression, as he'd lived with a manic depressive (not me!), and therefore, as he'd lived with someone, and my symptoms weren't the same, I wasn't depressed.

I sat on my depression for years.

But you have got the opportunity on Monday to get back on the road to being you.

If you're concerned, then as Jackaroo suggests, pop it on a piece of paper, and hand it to your GP.

Will your DH be with you during the consultation? Maybe ask him to stay outside whilst you talk to the doctor, and get it all off your chest, and then ask DH to join you. With the doctor on your side, he should hopefully take it better, and be more supportive.

Please don't cry any more. I know it's hard (I dare way I'll type that lots too! ), and I'm on the verge of tears, sat at work, typing this to you.

I so badly want to be there for you, even just to give you a break, and take you out for a coffee on your own, no kids to worry about.

Anyway, that's what I craved when I was SAHM. Now I wish I could SAH, but needs must!

I learnt to drive, but although it helped, I abused the skill to run away on more than one occasion. Walking out most definitely isn't the solution. Time to yourself will help though.

Is there anyone who could watch the kids for you one evening, just so you can spend some quality time with DH? You'll need it, and deserve it, I think, once you're back on the road - I have full confidence in you that you'll do the right thing.

I've got the whole "contact me" thing set up, so if you want to talk more, or swap phone numbers, please do email me, and I'm happy to phone you. We might not even live that far apart.

TA, I had counselling for the best part of a year for a few different reasons. Proper hardcore psychologist counselling not just talking-it-out counselling.

One of the things that came out of it was that I knew I wasn't the mum I wanted to be. I kept being the screaming banshee of a mum I didn't want to be and knew I wasn't at heart. She explained to me that when we are not being cared for on a level that makes a difference, we leave the adult sensible part of our brain and go into the child part (not rocket science I guess but it helped me to understand my feelings). She explained that I was likely shouting and bawling because no-one was taking any care of me.

My DP is a good father and partner. But he is busy and filled with his own non-care as well I guess. He wasn't always able to listen to me and so I had to learn (the hard way) that I needed to practice self-care.

My counsellor kind of gave me permission to do this. We talked it through and she showed me that I was capable of having a little time off but that I didn't give myself permission to do it. I had to allow myself. I'm still not very good at it but I am a lot better and consequently I am becoming the mum I know I can be. Its not changing overnight but it is changing.

Some counselling might help. Just to talk for a bit and have your own feelings verified and put out there. Or MN is also very good for that.

I still think it would be a good idea to get some solo time with your DD that is just fun, just for you two, probably dictated by her so that she begins to see you as someone she can have a good time with and not the person she riles. She has possibly learned that she can pull your strings and has learned that that is what your relationship is about. She needs to relearn that you can be different things at different times.

I think you need to give yourself permission to take a bit more care of you. Its hard. And possible.

Can your DH take DS and let you girls do something together this weekend? Something she chooses? One chink of light is all it takes. Then you will both see that you are not the enemy.

I hope I don't sound like a know-all, its not meant that way at all. I really feel for you and I really want to help you turn this around.

Bless your heart TA, I could have been typing exactly what you did. You are not horrible, you are a normal Mum with a heck of a lot on your plate!!!

If you can't bring yourself to chat to the GP, PLEASE just write it down, it is so bloody, bloody , bloody hard to actually tell the GP what is wrong, there are so many emotional barriers to overcome to say the words "I feel like a bad Mum" = then please GIVE the paper to the GP when it's just you and them, then give it to your DH.

Might sound simple but it's what I had to do

Sending you HUGE hugs, I've been there, but there is light at the end of the tunnel honey! xx

Thank you all for you lovely, kind words.

I can't tell you what it means to have been able to "talk to someone about it.

I'm going to email the link to this thread to DH as I just can't bring myself to tell him how I'm feeling for fear of how he'll feel towards me afterwards.

Park I'll contact you through CAT as would love to email you if that's ok?

Oh, TA - so sorry to hear your story. I don't know if it will be of any help, but there was a documentary on C4 in 2007 called Help me love my baby which told a very similar story to yours, except that she luckily got help when her wee one was younger.

There were a couple of threads on it, and Zoe herself posted - here is one - I have no idea if her story would relate to you, but thought it might be of some help.

TA, you are a strong woman. Its hard to face something that scares you straight in the face and here you are....you have faced it, and put it into words and now you are doing something about it. You are fab! Please let us know how it goes.

I agree with everyone else, do get some help and write it down if necessary. I can tell you that your DD loves you-DCs are incredibly loyal to their parents.

Thank you everyone, Frumpy you have been so kind, you sound like a know-it-all at all, I'm grateful to you for your reply.

I think part of it is as you say, I'm not the mum I thought I'd be - I'm very far from it.

DH is working this weekend but he is has some leave booked for next week so I'm going to do what you suggested. We have a little garden centre not to far from us with a big outdoor fish pond & tea rooms - I will take DD there just us. I hope it will be a step in the right direction.

I emailed the thread to DH & he read it, he was very supportive & reacted very differently to how I thought he might, I don't feel quite so alone now.

Thank you everyone, I feel so touched that you've taken the time to reply to me - I was so scared I get jumped on for feeling how I do.

don't be hard on yourself PND can play havoc with attachments and bonding, try to spend time on your own with dd don't be scared or let anything else get in the way you need to build vridges towards her and it will be a long process try being physically comforting with her stroking her hair etc or rubbing her arm as it all helps to build a bond. IMHO if you did not care you would not have posted so you are more than half way there

I am glad you are getting some support, I have been where you are now and tbh there are times when I still feel the same and dd is 7.

I had awful PND and have other mental health problems and dont think I have ever bonded with dd as I should. My dp is so much better with her than me despite the fact that he is not her biological father. When I told him that I did not feel as if I loved dd he just did not get it it is hard for lots of people to understand from the outside.

The fact that you are going through the motions means that you do care and you are a good mum.

Before going to the doctor I always write down what I want to say.