To think my DD would be much better off without me?

[ToAshamedToUseMyName]

I know this is probably not the right place to post in but bh I don't know where else to turn.

I have a DD, a DS & been with DH 7ish years.

I am so over the place right now & don't know what to do for the best.

I feel like the only person I'm of any use to is DS.

DD is my eldest but I feel no connection to her.

There I said it, let the stoning commence - let's face it what kind of mother says she feels nothing for her own child?

A monster, that's who. Me, I'm a monster. I shouldn't be saying that about my DD, I should be saying I love & adore her.

I had PND after DD was born & tbh I don't think I've ever bonded with her. I feel very detached from her & feel she hates me.

Don't get me wrong I don't ignore my DD or treat her differently. I do everything I should as a mum, I make the right noises when she comes home from nursery with a new painting, I feed her, clothe her, play games with her, read to her at bedtime etc etc but I do it all on autopilot because I feel I should.

DD & DH are very close, they have a lovely bond & when DH is home DD is literally glued to him & I find it a relief that she's looking to DH for things rather then me.

She's going through your typical toddler stage at the moment, tantrums, saying no to everything, throwing things at me, laughing at me when I tell her off, slapping me when she doesn't get her own way etc & tbh it's pushing me away further.

I just feel so distant from her, she's going to grow up hating me I just know it.

I have a very different relationship with DS, I felt bonded to him the second I laid eyes on him. I love to be with him, spend time with him, I do things for/with him because I want to - it couldn't be more different.

DH isn't as close to DS as he DD just yet but he generally finds older babies/children easier then smaller babies.

I just feel so lost right now, I feel like I'm a useless mum & even more useless wife.

I keep thinking that DH & DD would be far better of without me, but I'd want DS with me. I know I can't do that as it's wrong so I'm plodding along feeling more down everyday.

I love DH, but constantly worry he'll just one day up & leave - who'd want to be stuck with me especially feeling the way I feel.

Surely DD would be better off without me as a mum?

Hi TA, of course that's ok - I wouldn't have offered otherwise

Look forward to hearing from you x

Also, well done with DH.

I wish I'd have thought of that with mine!

Hello - you are really not a monster at all. I had the same kind of experience - horrible first pregnancy, emergency section, DD in SCBU for a few days. I just went throught the motions and never felt really connected to her even though she's pert, blonde and cute. 21 months after DD came DS who I adored from second 1 and I remain completely besotted - he's nearly two. However, I have been able to voice my feelings to DH and we are working through it. I make an effort to do fun things with DD, just her and me and things are so much better - she now runs to the door to greet me from work which is so lovely, I just can't help wanting to hug her tight. BUT, I still can't help wondering if it's just something about mothers and their boys....

Ooh, dunno about that FTWM, I had the problem with DS, and am now longing for DD to really bond with

hi fulltime and toashamed. I just wanted to add that I don't think it is a girl/mother thing as I took months to bond with DS2.

I had PND.

Talking about it made it stop being such a big thing. As did skin to skin...when he was quite old. I just saw on another thread someone mention having showers with their 5 year old helped them bond. So it may be worth trying baths together and cuddling afterwards. Also time on your own that child and kind of acting as if you were meeting them for the first time and looking at all the good things you see ...sounds a bit kooky but it worked for me because I used to get all tangled up in the guilt and negativity I felt about him.

COunselling helped me lots(Cognative Behavioural Therapy)

good luck and well done for doing this thread

It might just be a give it time thing, I never really bonded with any of mine until they were at school, sort of the absence makes the heart grow fonder theory.
It's very intensive being at their beck and call 12/14 hours a day.
Take care of yourself x

Hands up, I've been there too, although not quite the same circumstances. I had no problems bonding with ds who had a horrendous neonatal period and I had the most awful PTSD for some years. Fast forward to dd, everything went well, I was very well afterwards but - something was missing. I've worked on this for years.
Having a bath together was one of the strategies we employed too. We had the loveliest little chats in the bath and would give each other foot massages with loads of shower gel.
I am still working on this but I do know now that I have the same 'I will kill for you' love for her as I have for ds even though there are times I find it difficult to be with her.
I'm sure I read an article recently where a mum felt she hadn't bonded with her dd until the dd was eleven. You're on the right track beginning to deal with it now.

I was totally in heaven when I found out that my first baby would be a girl. It just didn't quite work out the way I planned. I had 6 months Mat leave with her and was ripping out my hair by the end of it. I returned to work when DS was 7 weeks old and we adore each other. I guess everyone is so different we can only draw advice and comfort from the experiences written here. I never had any PND at all - I just never felt truly bonded to DD as a tiny baby and now feel I've deprived her

So glad you have got your DH on board. Thats great . And to do some stuff with her alone, and out of the house (so no distractions from mess, dishes, laundry etc) is a fab! Just spoil her a bit, as if she wasn't your child, chocolate cake and no nagging about manners and see if she's different. You can revert to rules at home.

Keep us posted.

fulltime, you haven't deprived your DD. Not a bit. She runs to you, she loves you, no deprivation! I have girls and a boy and I would say I love them each very, very differently. I have the added benefit of having twins in my mix of children and that shows me and reassures me that even though I bring up two different sex children, the same way, at the same time, in the same circumstances, I can have two very different results. None of it is you.......same recipe, different cake.

And snuggling with your children, at any age is a massive bonder IMHO. Its never too late to snuggle and the closeness, even just watching a film, is therapeutic for all.

I felt like this when DS was born. I loved him but I wasn't in love with him if that makes sense. I didnt want to really play with him or be with him - I wanted him to sleep and leave me alone. I even looked at adoption on the internet as I believed he would be better off without me. That snapped me out of it though when I realised what I was doing and I accepted the treatment my HV was desperately trying to get me to take. I had bad pnd but had some counselling and things got better and slowly I didnt dread spending time with him.

Then I had DD and it all came back but again in response to him. I loved DD in a way I didnt love him in that I wanted to be with her and enjoyed her. He just got in the way.

Then I REALLY got better from PND and it went away. I admitted they had different personalities - he is very energetic shall we say but I do enjoy being with him now. It took a lot of drugs and counselling but I am ok now.

Please speak to someone about this - they will not think you are a monster. They certainly do need and want you. You obviously care very much about her or you wouldnt be posting this. Being a mum is hard. Some children are easier, some are more demanding. Sometimes other things happen that affect our bond.

Let us know what you do xx

peppa, great post. Your honesty is admirable and testament to why we should never give up. Bet your DS will never know the full extent of your growth but we do and it is fab.

Always sneak a peak at your children when they are sleeping. You can even tell them stuff out loud that you can't say through the day.

Have just read through this post, the support you all offer is amazing and wonderful.

Not to feel a connection with one child yet have a hotwire connection with another is very normal and natural, it doesn't necessarily have to relate to depression, but the guilt of feeling this way may well do.

Just enjoy what you have with your ds and the happiness it brings you.

Get plenty of 'me time' if you can and try to find activities where you can connect with your dd, one where you can relax and have fun together, when you feel ready for it.

How did your own mother relate to you? Females are complex critters!

I'm so glad your DH has stepped up and is getting involved, that is the most wonderful result.

It's interesting, I was thinking about this last night... I'm impressed by the response you've got here. I posted something not dissimilar on the mental health board a few weeks back, and of course there were helpful comments, but it was nothing like this. I wonder whether MNs generally might take amoment sometimes to look at that board - there are often cries for help like this one, and your perspectives would be really helpful..

J

Morning everyone.

Frumpy just re-read my reply to you, it should have read you do not sound like a know-it-all not you do

I can't thank everyone enough for their support & kind messages, to know I'm alone in feeling this way has been such an enourmous relief to me - I honestly believed I was an utter monster.

Kidowner sadly the relationship with my mother is pretty non exsistant & I think a big part of my bonding issue is the poor relationship I've had with my own mother.

I had a fairly difficult childhood & so had visions of being the most amazing mum to my own babies which isn't the case - I feel I'm just crap in general at being mum.

DH said last night that he thinks I'm so scared of becoming my mum that I see one small similarity between us & immediately think that's it I'm my mother.

He read all the replies on here & said it was lovely to see the support, he said that I'm not a monster & wanting to do something about it proves that.

I feel so much guilt all the time, DS only has to grin at me & I melt & want to scoop him up for cuddles. I just don't get that with DD & I feel so guilty for that, I feel like there must be soemthing wrong with me.

DH has a few days off next week so I'm going to do something with DD, even if it's just going for a walk to the park.

I hadn't thought of taking a bath with her really, I used to when she was newborn but haven't in a very long time so maybe that's worth a try too.

Hi,
I don't really have much to add to all the support you are already receiving here. I have had pnd and the feelings you are describing are all too familiar. I used to wall myself off from everybody. I didn't even talk to anybody. I thought I might as well be dead for all the use I was to my dh and dd's. I didn't bond with dd1 when she was born I merely went through the motions. When dd2 was born I fell instantly in love and as dd1 was a terrible two that made me feel even worse.

That was a while ago, dd1 is now six and the two of us still have our moments but I do love her and I know I do. I try to make an effort to have one-to-one time with her and that does help (we play hidden object computer games together!!!!) Dd2 is 3 and a handful but the instant love is still there and the love between the two girls helps me love them both more.

Two years ago I thought I might as well be dead, now I know I am important to my girls and my dh (and not just 'cos I feed them and do their washing). So things can get better, but when you're depressed you just can't/don't see that.

Hope it goes well at the gp's on Monday. I also found talking to my HV first helped.

It is interesting how our own experience of being parented influences how we parent,the way forward is by making a conscious effort to improve where our parents went wrong.

Sometimes I use a tone of voice my mother used and so I have to check myself!

You sound as if you have a darling of a husband. Don't feel guilty about your feelings, getting to understand what underlies them is really positive because by being open and honest you can move forward.

Having a bath with your dd sounds a lovely idea!

Anyway of improving your relationship with your own mother? It might be good to write out all the things that were issues for you with a view to seeing how you as a mother would do things differently.

Good luck

The relationship with my mum is beyond repair tbh. She has done many things that I can't understand.

She still continues to do/say things to me that I just don't understand.

I've tried a few times to talk to her & see if we could repair our relationship but she brings it all back to her, or refuses to talk about it etc.

I often wondered if it was just me but DH has whitnessed her behaviour & says he can't understand it either.

Generally I'm a very insecure person, I don't think I have a single day that goes past where I don't have thoughts of DH finding someone lovely & leaving me for her. I don't understand why he bothers with me & I certainly don't understand why he married me.

I so wanted today to be a fresh start with DD but DH had only been gone 10 minutes & in that time DD had weed on her bedroom carpet, drawn on the table when I asked her twice to stop, threw a book at DS & screamed at me as I said she couldn't have any easter egg.

I just went outside to hang the washing up & sobbed.

Have you managed to send a mail to me? I changed my email address for it to come to work, but I'll change it back again to home when I leave in about an hour.

or else change your settings to accept emails from MNet? I'm out and about this afternoon, but I'll try to make time to get in contact with you x

I tried to then remembered as I've set up a new name my CAT is under my usual posting name

Er! I'll try and send to you - I'm not set up on CAT yet - subscription expired, and haven't got facility to do it here at work x

Or else quickly sign in under your other name, and message me, then sign in as yourself (cor all this espionage stuff!)

Oh yes, didn't think of that!!

Will do that now Xx

x

Have emailed you my address via CAT from my other name so hopefully you'll get it Xx

Ok, if I don't get anything before I leave in 50 mins, I'll set CAT up, and email you when I get home x

I'm off now, as lunch is over. Chin up, and speak later x

TA, funny my counselling threw up a lot about my relationship with my mum. It drew many parallels in the way I mother. I think I said it already...... I had proper psychologist counselling not just a chat to offload. That was what made the big difference IMHO. I was able to grind down into the root of what had been buried deep and bring it to the surface. It wasn't a magic wand but it just helped me view things very differently.

I now stand up and decide things that are right for me and I have confidence in me. I haven't had that in my 36 years of living.

In regard to your day with your DD today........try to tick just one thing that is positive in today. She is in the midst of some crappy behaviour but I think you will react totally different to her behaviour once you feel different IYKWIM. What can you do with her today? Can you ask her if she'd like to see photos of what she looked like when she'd just been born? Then tell her some stories of when she was tiny? My DD1 loves when I tell her about the first time I heard her laugh or what funny words she used to use to describe things when she was learning to speak ('wa wa' for apple, "la la see you in the mo mo" for "love you see you in the morning").

It doesn't have to last long. It doesn't have to work. It just has to show her that you have other sides to you and that you love her. I wonder if she feels she has to be the trouble maker girl when she is around you because that is what she always is. See if you can give her a reason to want to be the loved, smiley girl.

Its not going to change overnight. But you are doing great. You have already made huge changes and its only been two days!

Don't beat yourself up. I had a big argument with my DD1 this morning because she keeps not packing her school stuff the night before. She forgot to pack a swimming bag and her music stuff and forgot to tell me she needed a packed lunch and so we were late. Once we got to school I realised it was no big deal and said I had shouted too loudly and that she is a great kid and that I realise it was no big deal. I pulled some flowers off a bush and stuck them in her blazer badge. Her face was a picture, she beamed! Sometimes, you have to show children that you are not perfect and show them how to say sorry. Then they begin to understand that its a two way street. I'm not lecturing you btw, I'm lecturing me