to think my soon to be ex-nanny is selfish and incompetent and unprofessional

[FeelingLucky]

Never posted on this topic before but feel I need to rant.
Hired a nanny for a 4 month stint. She seemed lovely, from the Ukraine and spoke good English.

She was part-time and is studying to be an accountant the other part of her time. Not terribly experienced, but had a caring attitude, CRB checked and had worked as a nurse before.

All good, until a few weeks ago.
She had asked if it was possible to pick up DD from nursery at 4pm instead of 3.30pm one day as she had an appointment, I checked with nursery and they said it was no problem for them to keep hold of DD for an extra half hour. The day in question came, and I received a text at 3.15pm, asking if it was okay to pick DD up a bit later, maybe 4.30pm? I panicked and phoned nursery who said that would be fine. I tried calling nanny but she didn;'t answer and left a message saying it was fine, but if she couldn't make it, she had to let me know asap so DH could pick up DD.
In the end, nanny picked up DD at 4.50pm from nursery.
DH asked nanny about it that evening and nanny said that she had pre-arranged late pick-up with me. A bit of a lie ... but maybe there was a bit of a misunderstanding due to language, so we thought we'd let it go.
I try explaining to nanny that if she were to do this, perhaps it would be better to telephone me so that there would be no misinterpretation as to whether she was telling and asking me that she was going to be late for pick-up.

Next incident: nanny tries to get in touch with me, but can't and speaks to DH instead to ask him what should she do as DD had been in her cot for an hour and a half and had still not napped. DH and I were horrified that she could leave DD in her cot for so long, albeit DD wasn't crying. We suggested she take her out for a walk in the buggy if she was tired but couldn't sleep.

Next incident: nanny suggests taking DD to a library which involves an hour long bus journey on a nice sunny day. I have to insist that they visit the city farm instead, having established that there is no special event happening at this library and that the nanny has actually never been to this library before.

Today: I pop out to the shops and bump into nanny and DD on the way home. It was a lovely warm day in London but DD had her buggy snuggle around her and her face was red. What worried me more was that DD looked zoned out and listless. I touched her forehead which was very hot. So, I told the nanny that DD was hot. The nanny said no she was fine. I asked why she had buggy snuggle over DD and nanny said it was cold and windy . I then asked nanny if it was cold and windy why she was just wearing a light raincoat and dd was tucked up in buggy snuggle, so nanny told me that DD was ill. (DD had a bit of a runny nose last week). I asked her if she had felt DD;s forehead and nanny told me that it wasn't necessary as DD was fine. I asked whether she thought it was normal for DD to be so listless and she told me that she's sometimes like that in the mornings in the buggy . I insisted that DD was not normally like this, and as DD's mother, I do actually know what she's like. I insisted on taking the top part of the buggy snuggle off and marched back home with them to get a blanket which could be put over DD if she fell asleep.

In the past, nanny has insisted that DD doesn't eat very well, so I checked if her eating had changed with nursery and they said no, she remains a good eater. Nanny has looked after one toddler in teh past who she has spoonfed, and now at the age of 4 won't feed himself. DD has been BLWeaned and has always fed herself but makes a mess. I have tried explaining this approach to nanny but she still doesn't get the idea that I believe DD eats what she needs and should be left to it.

Anyway. upshot of today is that after my insisting that DD was hot, nanny sends me a text to say: "I'm really sorry, but I can't work for you anymore so I'm giving you one week's notice. I hope you understand." AIBU or is this really juvenile? I didn't respond to text as too busy organising alternative childcare. DH saw nanny tonight and she said that she wanted to give a week's notice, he said it was fine and didn't ask her why as she had hoped. Neither did he ask her to stay.

Problem is, nanny is really sensitive to criticism, takes things personally and thinks everything is about her, not the child she is meant to be caring for. At the same time, she has no initiative, to the extent that we have to select recipes for her to cook or cook for her and DD so all she has to do is heat up the food.
We've always been quite relaxed about her time-keeping and always come home well ahead of her clocking off time - sometimes half an hour before, hoping for a catch-up chat. But, when we come home early she just puts her shoes on to go. Also, we've always said thank you as she leaves to go home, etc.

What do other people think? AIBU in thinking I have a crap nanny or did I do something wrong?

Sorry for long post, but it's as much to get things off my chest ...

I can't comment on anything else, but many countries in Eastern Europe / former soviet Union have what we would consider an excessive concern about cold and drafts where children are concerned, resulting in them often keeping them to our mind overheated. That doesn't really help much, but may give a bit of context.

She just doesn't sound that experienced so you are probably better off without her and her extreme sensitivity! I hope you find someone great soon, we are having a nanny for the first time later in the year and I guess the whole thing is trial and error until you find someone you and your family really get on with.

Re the too hot thing, I took my then 10 month old to Colombia and in 40 degree heat strangers were telling me off for the baby wearing a tshirt and shorts and no socks as he would be freezing! Some people are loons!

Sorry but why is it juvenile to hand her notice in You and her obviously don't get along so it's probabky best all round that she leaves n'est pas?

Nanny doesn't sound as if she's particularly experienced? Sounds like you made a bad decision. Move on.

You can't expect 'professional' from someone who isn't a trained nanny and who in fact wants to be something else. You sound a bit pfb on occasion and if you are always 'marching' and 'insisting' you can't expect a good relationship.

I think you get what you pay for basically if you want as near to perfection as possible get on the Norland site and ask them to send you a nanny, you'll have Mary Poppins herself but it'll cost you £10-15 per hour.
For me, I've had crap nannies in the past and the damage done by one of them can never be put right I have a child now who cannot/will not be left in any sort of childcare, previously she'd been in nurseries, holiday clubs etc since the age of 6 weeks.
IMO they need the training that goes with an NVQ or NNEB not just a caring attitude and a CRB check.

She sounds like she has made a couple of mistakes yes.
You sound a bit OTT with the marching and insisting and being horrified at things too though.
I think unless she were pefect, any nanny would find it a bit hard to work for you under these circumstances.
Maybe you could all learn from this and try to chill out a little bit so that things go more smoothly with your next nanny?

I think you are over reacting tbh. Some of your comments are just different ways of doing things. If you have a nanny you have to let go of the childcare to some extent. Either you trust that person to care for your child (in which case let them get on with it) or you don't (in which case don't employ them).

Her text telling you she's resigning wasn't childish. She probably couldn't face a phone call with you and she was telling the truth - she can't work for you anymore.

tbh doesnt sound like a nanny to me but more like a person who needed money while she was training for another occupation so thought she would make a quick easy buck trying to be a nanny

you said she didnt have much exp - was the toddler her only job? She may have been a nurse and thankfully she was crb-ed but that doent make her a nanny iykwim

regards in leaving her for a rest in the cot - mine sleep but as they get older it is good for them to have a lie down/quiet time if they are tired but dont sleep

if your dd wasnt crying then tbh i dont see the problem if it was a one off

the overcovering seems a bit weird and although a trip to a farm is nice, would it have been that bad to go to the libary and look at/get books out? Surely there must be a nearer libary or are you in the middle of nowehere?

I would have wanted to know what appointment she had, esp the pick up time kept changing

and yes it wasnt working out, so she gave you a weeks notice - whats wrong with that UNLESS it stated in contract a month

tbh you have had a lucky escape and next time I would advise employing a nanny that either is qualifed and actually wants to work with children rather than someone who is studying to be something completley different or choose a nanny that has had a lot of experience

Get yourself a properly trained and experienced nanny, someone who knows about childcare/latest thinking. And be prepared to pay a lot for it.

Stop being so controlling. She's in charge when she's looking after your child. It's demoralising if you keep contradicting her choices. Why on earth not go to the library? A bus ride is always exciting for a child!

Make it clear what is and isn't acceptable. Then your future nanny will know when they have transgressed your desires.

I think YABVU to call her selfish and incompetent.

It sounds like she doesn't have much experience or initiative, but on the other hand (as other people have said) you get what you pay for. If you want to prevent this happening with your next nanny, you might want to look carefully at what your finances can stretch to and if you can afford a more experienced, better qualified nanny? Or perhaps a nanny-share with an existing arrangment which is tried and tested?

Regarding the buggy snuggle - we had ours on yesterday (also in the South East!) Perhaps when she started off on the walk it was in the shade and a bit windy? Also, as others have said, there are cultural issues to do with how people think babies should be dressed/covered in different weathers. She may well have genuinely thought your child needed the buggy snuggle on.

So, basically I think you didn't get the right nanny for your needs and you need to think what your needs actually are and whether/how you can afford to pay for someone who will meet those needs. The good thing is you've picked up on this now and it doesn't sound like any lasting damage has been done to your child.

I fail to see the problem with going to the library, or the fact that the baby has been in the cot for an hour, if she's not upset. The buggy snuggle argument only requires a simple explanation.
The nursery pick-up looks like a mistake anyone could have made (I have done things like that with my own children). She was probably hoping that her appointment will finish on time, but it didn't, and she was embarrased of afraid to ask you to make other arrangements.
So, all in all, maybe you are being a bit U - but then again, if you don't get on for whatever reason, you should find somebody else.
She looks more like an au pair to me, rather than a nanny.

Sounds as though she's not right for you, and vice versa, not sure why it's 'juvenile' of her to hand her notice in if she doesn't want to work for you any more?

She is NOT a nanny. A nanny is a childcare professional which this young woman clearly is not. I think you are being thoroughly unrealistic in your expectations of her and overcontrolling to boot.

i think it sounds like its reached a satisfactory conclusion, she has handed in her notice, which is good cos she's not the right nanny for you. doesn't need an explanation or for you to ask her why, you both know why - its not working. The End.

I'm not infering anything in this, but its a very difficlut job to find child care that you are happy with, your nanny doesn't sound experienced enough with los.
I didn't find any child care i was happy with so i sold my house and moved in to rented - a bit drastic i know and maybe you think its alright if you can afford to be a sahm, but actually I am the main breadwinner in my family and my dh earns very little so it was a tough decision, but you have to decide whats important for you. Maybe a more expensive qualified nanny, maybe work less

Only read the OP but it doesn't sound like either of you were really at fault but perhaps a bit of a bad match.

But to be honest you do sound a bit over the top and you hired a young inexperienced girl and expected her to behave like a professional nanny.

I'd agree with other posters that what you describe is more like an au pair and you are possibly expecting a bit much. We have a similar setup and you do need to get the balance right between setting out detailed instructions when they don't the initiative (e.g. I provide recipes and ingredients for her to cook) and not interfering too much in what they do when you're not there (e.g. if she takes the initiative to go to the library don't instantly squash it). Sounds like this arrangement is probably best over but it might help if you have a similar set up next time. It works very well for us now (we also call her a nanny as she is 30 and just doesn't want to be called an au pair) and allows my ds to be looked after in his own home at a price that we can afford.

I think you have both done things wrong to some extent.

I personally wouldn't leave my young child with a student from another country but that's just my personal view.

Maybe you should have employed a qualified or at least, experienced nanny.

Your nanny wanted to go to the library but you decided she must go to the farm and then you complain because she asks you what she should cook etc - you can't tell her what to do when it suits you but expect her to use her initiative at others.

I also don't think she was juvenile to hand her notice in. Maybe she picked up a vibe that you didn't particularly like her

I have been a nanny and it is so important imo to get on with the parents as much as the child/children.

Apart from the buggy overheating incident, (which you could have easily explained to her)n I think your complaints are unfounded and you have been a bit unreasonable.
I really wouldn't have thought there was much pointing CRBing someone who has just comeinto the country.

Sorry, no real sympathy from me either.

You hired an AP to do a Nanny's job and were surprised that she didn't live up to your expectations? No great surprise I'd say.

She's not a Nanny though is she ? She's someone looking for extra cash to subsidise her studies. You get what you pay for.

I am accountant and I wouldn't have let myself within 5 miles of anyone elses child in my 20's!

As someone has already said most Eastern Euopeans are obsessed by keeping babies warm and I doubt they've hear of BLW in the Ukraine so she would have thought you were bonkers.

Such are the joys of a multicultural household, if you're not prepared for that you need to stick with UK au pairs.

i don;t think she is juvenile

i thikn you have probably undermined and criticised rather than setting out exactly what you wanted her to do, and have micro managed and then got pissed off she has not done what you expected , even though you have not really told her

she sounds more like an au pair definitely

and she does not sound selfish or incompetent. she sounds a bit inexperienced, but i can't blame her for handing in her notice

it sounds like you were totally wrong for each other, and you sound hard to work for.

YABU

Can I ask how much you paid her? I'm trying to determine if she was someone faking it as a nanny (ie> 'biging' ] up her experience etc)- or if you thought she would be a cheaper alternative to a real nanny; in which case you pay peanuts you get monkeys!

Eitherway she doesn't sound like a nanny, it sounds like she saw this job as a nice little earner not as a profession which is how I see my nanny position.

Sounds like 6 of one 1/2 dozen of the other to me; sorry!