to think my soon to be ex-nanny is selfish and incompetent and unprofessional

[FeelingLucky]

Never posted on this topic before but feel I need to rant.
Hired a nanny for a 4 month stint. She seemed lovely, from the Ukraine and spoke good English.

She was part-time and is studying to be an accountant the other part of her time. Not terribly experienced, but had a caring attitude, CRB checked and had worked as a nurse before.

All good, until a few weeks ago.
She had asked if it was possible to pick up DD from nursery at 4pm instead of 3.30pm one day as she had an appointment, I checked with nursery and they said it was no problem for them to keep hold of DD for an extra half hour. The day in question came, and I received a text at 3.15pm, asking if it was okay to pick DD up a bit later, maybe 4.30pm? I panicked and phoned nursery who said that would be fine. I tried calling nanny but she didn;'t answer and left a message saying it was fine, but if she couldn't make it, she had to let me know asap so DH could pick up DD.
In the end, nanny picked up DD at 4.50pm from nursery.
DH asked nanny about it that evening and nanny said that she had pre-arranged late pick-up with me. A bit of a lie ... but maybe there was a bit of a misunderstanding due to language, so we thought we'd let it go.
I try explaining to nanny that if she were to do this, perhaps it would be better to telephone me so that there would be no misinterpretation as to whether she was telling and asking me that she was going to be late for pick-up.

Next incident: nanny tries to get in touch with me, but can't and speaks to DH instead to ask him what should she do as DD had been in her cot for an hour and a half and had still not napped. DH and I were horrified that she could leave DD in her cot for so long, albeit DD wasn't crying. We suggested she take her out for a walk in the buggy if she was tired but couldn't sleep.

Next incident: nanny suggests taking DD to a library which involves an hour long bus journey on a nice sunny day. I have to insist that they visit the city farm instead, having established that there is no special event happening at this library and that the nanny has actually never been to this library before.

Today: I pop out to the shops and bump into nanny and DD on the way home. It was a lovely warm day in London but DD had her buggy snuggle around her and her face was red. What worried me more was that DD looked zoned out and listless. I touched her forehead which was very hot. So, I told the nanny that DD was hot. The nanny said no she was fine. I asked why she had buggy snuggle over DD and nanny said it was cold and windy . I then asked nanny if it was cold and windy why she was just wearing a light raincoat and dd was tucked up in buggy snuggle, so nanny told me that DD was ill. (DD had a bit of a runny nose last week). I asked her if she had felt DD;s forehead and nanny told me that it wasn't necessary as DD was fine. I asked whether she thought it was normal for DD to be so listless and she told me that she's sometimes like that in the mornings in the buggy . I insisted that DD was not normally like this, and as DD's mother, I do actually know what she's like. I insisted on taking the top part of the buggy snuggle off and marched back home with them to get a blanket which could be put over DD if she fell asleep.

In the past, nanny has insisted that DD doesn't eat very well, so I checked if her eating had changed with nursery and they said no, she remains a good eater. Nanny has looked after one toddler in teh past who she has spoonfed, and now at the age of 4 won't feed himself. DD has been BLWeaned and has always fed herself but makes a mess. I have tried explaining this approach to nanny but she still doesn't get the idea that I believe DD eats what she needs and should be left to it.

Anyway. upshot of today is that after my insisting that DD was hot, nanny sends me a text to say: "I'm really sorry, but I can't work for you anymore so I'm giving you one week's notice. I hope you understand." AIBU or is this really juvenile? I didn't respond to text as too busy organising alternative childcare. DH saw nanny tonight and she said that she wanted to give a week's notice, he said it was fine and didn't ask her why as she had hoped. Neither did he ask her to stay.

Problem is, nanny is really sensitive to criticism, takes things personally and thinks everything is about her, not the child she is meant to be caring for. At the same time, she has no initiative, to the extent that we have to select recipes for her to cook or cook for her and DD so all she has to do is heat up the food.
We've always been quite relaxed about her time-keeping and always come home well ahead of her clocking off time - sometimes half an hour before, hoping for a catch-up chat. But, when we come home early she just puts her shoes on to go. Also, we've always said thank you as she leaves to go home, etc.

What do other people think? AIBU in thinking I have a crap nanny or did I do something wrong?

Sorry for long post, but it's as much to get things off my chest ...

sorry but roffle @ insisting on going to the farm instead of the library. What a bizarre criticism

To be fair to OP the DC might be 14 months old for all we know so a 2 hours bus journey (return trip) in hot weather isn't ideal.

How come in this country, you would not hire someone who is not trained to fix your washer, cooker, etc. Yet we leave our most precious gifts to untrained people to look after.

navy has it right. Hire a professional trained nanny to look after your dc.

good point cheshirekitty

this really bugs me - and thats why i think all nannies should be qualifed

i wouldnt let an unqualified doctor/mechanic look at me/my car so why do some parents leave their most precious and tbh ireplaceable children with someone who isnt?

i know you get the old arguement of good exp nannies and crap qualified ones but to me a proper professinal nanny is a qualifed one who expects and gets top dollar!!

anyone can call theirself a nanny and work looking after children - yet when things go wrong the parents complain

as someone put quite rightly so - if you pay peanuts you get monkeys

I'm going to be the black sheep here. I think the nanny failed to act like a professional employee of any description -- nanny and accountant both included. To resign via text? On what planet is that acceptable professional behaviour. OP got one week notice. Is that what was in her contract? A nanny (or any employee) needs to find the balance between being proactive in her job and know when to let the boss lead. This nanny appers not to have understood that it was not her place to disagree and argue with her boss when opinions differed. Unprofessional any way you slice it.

Also, I am not a great believer in traditional nanny qualifications. I have had several nannies and one of my favourites came with physio degree and barely any childcare experience. She was foreign (so a few language issues), but she understood who worked for whom. She was fab and I miss her dearly. She only stayed for about 6 months (which I knew would be the case before I hired her) but in that time I never ever had to ask her to do something twice.

Sounds like you went for inexperienced childcare, and she made a couple of mistakes. I once picked up my charge late from nursery too - I was working abroad and there was a misunderstanding. The nap thing, the child wasn't distressed, the nanny didn't know what to do so called to ask . Library or city farm is down to individual preferences, surely, and isn't a sign of incompetence, and many other nationalities feel the Brits under-dress their children.

I think you expected too much from her, and you weren't a good fit for each other.

Okay, maybe I am a cynic, but was she going to the library to do her own studying and dragging DD along? Or was there going to be something for the toddler to do?

I can't imagine it's even possible to study with a toddler in tow

That's what I mean, Willow. I thought the nanny was dragging the toddler to a totally inappropriate activity and that was why OP redirected them to the farm. But, perhaps I am wrong.

BTW, how is the job hunt?

I'm no longer job hunting! My current employer has found a new job (and offered me increased hours), so it looks like I'll be staying where I am until the littlest starts school next September.

Speaking as a proffesional Nanny and Mummy, with over 20 years experience...

I would like to stress that, that does not qualify me to make any judgements on either party but please may I may a make a few general observations.

I imagine you are are a reasonable employer and devoted mummy.

I am guessing, the young lady concerned, decided that registering with a Child Care Agency was not only a legitimate but fairly easy route to access the UK, travel and improve her English.

I am sorry it did not work for you. It CAN work but we have to remind ourselves that although most girls and guys who travel to the UK under this umbrella ARE intelligent individuals with, generally, a fantastic command of the English language. They are not your Vocational Nanny/Mary Poppins (like myself, smile!) Many are tapping into The UK child care market for a brief period in their lives. They are our tomorrows Accountants, Lawyers and Linguists. AND thats OK.

I would like to think the lady you employed from the Ukraine did care but I imagine, from her perspective, she was not only having to adapt to our culture and communicate soley in English but she probably discovered, quite early on, that being soley responsible for a little person for such a long day and every day is a mammoth task, even for a newly qualified Nursery Nurse who has the most beautiful nurturing heart!

We all know that being a parent can be enormously challenging but so incredibly rewarding!

This lady, maybe, would be more suited to an Au Pair position. As a Nanny I have worked alongside the most fabulous au pairs and I have also, sadly, met some High Society Nannies who I would not consider employing in a million years!

You may benefit from discussing and clarifying with your husband whether this is the most favourable child care route or whether you would be more comfortable extending your little ones day at Nursery.
Maybe you might like to consider interviewing a broad spectrum of Nannies, qualified, experienced with or without their own child, live in and out. This will give you an excellent guage of what the market has to offer. I hope you are pleasantly surprised!The girl/guy for you may appear in any of these guises!

There is no right or wrong. You just need to feel comfortable with your decision.

I DO hope this helps!

PS I have oodles of experience and I am passionate about what I do but because I have always struggled with dyslexia I have had great difficulty gaining paper qualifications. I am presently wading through a Pre School Diploma as I find it very tedious transferring the knowledge and experience I do have, to paper. You may find that telephone references and a sample day where you are working alongside a potential candidate give you a truer picture of what that person is all about, rather than making your decision on qualifications alone.

Wishing you the every best in your search!

.

is there a happy ending?

I don't really see what's wrong with 'leaving' DD in her cot (it wasn't really though, was it... it was putting her down and her not falling asleep for an hour and a half. She was getting rest and was relaxed if she wasn't crying) or wanting to take her to the library without there being a special event. That doesn't suggest selfishness and incompetence to me, it just sounds like a conflict of ideas and values.

I don't really see where the selfishness comes into it... but the OP hired a nice accountancy student when she wanted a professional, competent nanny. That's where the problem is. If you want a professional, competent nanny you need to at least find someone with some training or experience in childcare.

I am inclined to agree with you willowthewispa.

hello everyone - thanks for all your replies which are really very useful in helping me gain some perspective on the situation.

Although I do feel I hired the wrong person, and that we were the wrong 'fit' as she is more of an au pair than a nanny, I'm just wondering if a nanny is not the ideal for our family. Money isn't a factor for us when choosing a nanny, and we'd be more than happy to pay a lot for the right person. I'm just wondering that if we had a properly qualified nanny, would we feel the same way??

I'm not troubled by the fact that nanny handed in her notice - what I find juvenile is handing in her notice by TEXT. I was actually going to terminate her contract early - in a way hand notice to her - but I was going to sit her down and talk to her about why I was terminating her contract early, adn would have given her notice in writing (as required by a contract). FWIW, if I were to hand in my notice at work, I wouldn't do it by texting my boss as this would be deemed unacceptable. Perhaps handing in your notice via text message is acceptable if you're a nanny?? I'd be grateful if someone could enlighten me on this as I would expect this if I were to hire a nanny in the future.

I've thought a lot about the being too warm in the buggy incident. Perhaps I am being precious, but I just couldn;t walk away from my DD knowing that she was too warm and listless. The nanny was adamant that she was right and didn't want to take the buggy snuggle off, and I didn't want an argument in the middle of the street, so I just took DD home. Is this so wrong?

Finally, we went for the nanny option because we felt that 1:1 care was best for DD. Unlike being in a nursery setting, DD could set her own routine and nap when she needed to nap. That's why I thought it was odd that nanny left DD in cot when she was clearly not going to sleep. And yes, nanny did phone us to ask what to do when DD wasn't sleeping, but why did it taker her an hour and a half to do this? I'm really baffled, so would be grateful if anyone had any thoughts on this.

I've learned a huge lesson in all this - mainly not to hire anyone not completely dedicated to their job. Plus, perhaps the nanny route is not the best one for us if we, as employers, cannot tell the nanny what to do and have her respect our wishes with regard to eating, routines, etc.

One final thing - I really don;t have a problem with the nanny leaving early, but I don't expect her to leave when I'm trying to have a convo with her about DD's day.

In any case, from our perspective, it's worked out for the best as DD's nursery can take her on full-time for now which will ensure continuity of car for DD - DD loves nursery. In the meantime, the nanny has some regrets about handing in her notice, but I really don;t want to take her back, and neither does DH.

Once again, thanks all for all your thoughts - has been really useful and will make me think twice about the suitability of hiring a nanny for our family

I think she probably is an au pair so she probably is inexperienced and not looked after kids before. I would ask the agency when next applying fo nannys for references in previous worked jobs

BTW - to address all those who asked why it was so bad for nanny wanting to take DD on an hour long bus ride to library: we have plenty of libraries within walking distance around us, and DD hates being on the bus (nanny knew this as she had taken DD on bus before and told me it was a nightmare). So, any further thoughts as to why nanny would want to take DD to a library by way of a one hour bus ride? Maybe she wanted to meet someone there?

wishfulthinking3 - I actually recruited her from gumtree, not an agency. So, another lesson I've learned - if I ever recruit a nanny again, not to go via gumtree, but to go via an agency instead. I also wished I'd paid more attention to what her single referee told me - that she wasn't very good on initiative and needs to be told exactly what to do, if not, it all falls apart

I agree, you sound like you have been a bit precious and controlling (I'm sure I would be too!) and micromanaged and basically gone ballistic about a relatively small delay (the nursery pick up)

Surely she is an au pair and not a nanny, and you have nanny expectations on an au pair pay, perhaps?

I think the wrapping up thing is Eastern European. I used to live in Russia and the everyone is obsessed with the cold and drafts. Surely it wasn't completely killing her? I don't know, I wasn't there, but your overreaction to other things mentioned suggest

I do understand it can be difficult -- even with the highest qualified nannies. My friend has been through several Norland nannies and the last one went because she was a GF dark room obsessive and kept putting duvets over the cot and pram (in saudi!!)

ATEOTD it's a relationship and she's decided for you (not unreasonably) that it's not working.

Lucky I'm surprised that you took on a nanny who was a student from another country wanting to pursue a different career and with only 1 referee - who didn't give her a great reference. [hmmm]

Surely you had better qualified applicants than this? The credit crunch has made the nanny market very much employer-orientated, you can pretty much pick and choose whoever you like.

For what it's worth, if you still need a nanny we have one that we could recommend - and would give a much better reference than what you got off the other one...she's a native English-speaker, young and lovely, and nannying is her career. I'm surprised you didn't have lots of these types clamouring for your post!

I have a feeling that a professional nanny would definitely have left a baby in her cot if it was her nap time, and she was not crying - establishing a routine and all that!

"the OP hired a nice accountancy student when she wanted a professional, competent nanny. That's where the problem is. If you want a professional, competent nanny you need to at least find someone with some training or experience in childcare"

willo - couldnt agree more - excalty what i said on tue at 9.31 am

vess - again i agree - mine do sleep but if they didnt for a one off then yes i would leave them up there AS LONG as they are not crying and therefore miserable