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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need some perspective please...

23 replies

MistyGee · 20/04/2009 20:15

Prob being petty...but...
Basically DP hasn't seen his mates from Uni days for a while, and i didn't have a problem when he said that they'd organised to meet up and go on one of those 'activity days'.
It looked like really good fun and i asked if i could come as i get on well with his friends and since i had ds i don't ever get to do those kind of fun things as i am always looking after him (which i love) while DP does get to do pretty much whatever he wants.
Anyway he said no it was just him and male friends A and B, whom i know and think are great. Fair enough, no probs with that, male bonding and all that.
Just been on Facebook and saw that friend A that i am friends with (but DP doesn't know that i'm friends with on FB) has uploaded pics and there are 2 women with them. I don't know them and have never heard of them, but they are friends with friend A on FB so aren't just people that got put in a group with them.
Now i don't think anything was going on, i'm just hurt that he banned me from this as it was 'boys only' but there are these 2 women i am assuming he doesn't even know. And they look like they're having so much fun. I would have loved to be there.
Thing is i asked him (before i'd seen the pics)when he got back: oh so it was just you and friends A and B then, and he said yep.
AIBU to get upset about being banned from this only for 2 random women to tag along when i really wanted to go, and for being upset that he lied about it. (he has never lied before even when he knows its not what i want to hear.)
I'm confused and need to clarify this in my head, please help!

OP posts:

stainesmassif · 20/04/2009 20:22

YANBU. Lying sucks, whatever the reason. I would always rather have the truth even when I don't like it, so I would be incandescent on many counts.

monkeypinkmonkey · 20/04/2009 20:24

I was going to say maybe he didn't know they were turning up. I have a friend who always brings her DH to girls night outs. But then I saw he said it was only him and his 2 other mates when you asked. Was he trying to not upset you by not teling you?

gigglinggoblin · 20/04/2009 20:24

you need to ask him about it and if he denies him tell him what you know. otherwise you will just stew on it. but you know that.

Tinkerbel6 · 20/04/2009 20:26

No you are not being unreasonable, he has lied to you, and even if the girls had gate crashed the lads day out he could have told you the truth that they were there, mention to him how you are upset by this.

Kiansmummy · 20/04/2009 20:29

YANBU, I would feel most put-out and fairly angry too, perhaps he genuinely believed that it was going to be a lads only event and didnt want you to feel betrayed or annoyed when he realised that there would be woman there. It sounds like it was completely innocent but it doesn't excuse him lying to you. I would tell him what you know, watch him squirm and ensure that he makes it up to you.

Gentle · 20/04/2009 20:44

YANBU, I would be hurt & confused too.

However I agree that he might not have known that Friend A was bringing 2 girls along. Also, he might not have told you because he felt awkward about telling you that it turned out to be the opposite of the boys-only-shindig he was expecting.

Perhaps he's actually fuming that Friend A overruled the "no women" idea and can't be arsed to even bring it up?

And finally, perhaps it just hasn't occurred to him that, to you, this would all seem quite excluding and hurtful?

I also agree with gigglinggoblin that you should tell him what you know to avoid stewing.

Servalan · 20/04/2009 20:49

YANBU. He shouldn't have lied and I would be most unimpressed in your position.

However, I agree that it's likely that he didn't know these two women were coming and that maybe he didn't want to annoy you after the fact when they turned up. I would ask him about it and see what he says.

A shame that you don't ever get to go out on days like this anymore. Any way of arranging for you and DP to do something like that together one day? - (or arranging to go with some of your mates for a "women only" day )

clam · 20/04/2009 20:50

YANBU. I'd be seriously hacked off and upset. And I would only have believed DH and forgiven him if he'd have come home hacked off too that he'd told me not to come but then discovered others there. Not collude with it by lying about it. That just compounds it all.
You Need To Talk!

clam · 20/04/2009 20:50

oops! Sorry. Told me it had failed to post!

BiscuitStuffer · 20/04/2009 21:02

Can you send him a copy of the photo somehow?
I'm sure that if anything dodgy was going on, friend A wouldn't have put the photo up on FB as he would know that you would see it and he would want to protect his mate?

junglist1 · 20/04/2009 21:02

This is a tricky one, he could have been lying, or could have been suprised when the women showed up, and then couldn't tell you? Go with your gut instincts, you know your partner. Or otherwise just ask him outright. You do have a right to be clear on what happened.

Poppity · 20/04/2009 21:15

YANBU.
It might be that they were random women though, and friend A has found them on FB since?
Is he in the pics? Tag him!

babymama31 · 20/04/2009 21:15

Its really selfish that he wouldn't take you along anyway, and then for 2 females to be there, I'd be bloody furious! Don't waste too much of your energy worrying about it, print the picture out and leave it on the dining table then see what his expression says, he then has to explain himself without you even asking

Rachel2796 · 20/04/2009 21:26

Maybe the girls were randoms but friend A added them on FB after the event? Just a thought....

I'd be pretty pissed off though if I were you. Lying is not on...

Original poster

MistyGee · 21/04/2009 10:30

Well, i brought it up in conversation last night when he got in from work. I said so what did you get up to on saturday then and worked in the question 'so it was just you, friends A and B then?'
He said oh, no friend A's flatmates were there too. I said you didn't mention that before, i thought it was just you guys. He said oh i thought i said.
I said 'well if they came and you didn't even know them surely it would have been ok if i came too'..... 'You didn't even ask if i could go did you?'
THEN he said 'well its nice to just hang out with the boys sometimes'. I then stupidly raised an eyebrow and said 'Boys??'
He said 'oh, i suppose you've seen the pics on FB then'.
To cut a long story short he just doesn't think there is a problem and actually said that he can't see why i'm upset.
He then turned it around to make me look like i'm the one being totally unreasonable and mental.
I just think he's really selfish.

OP posts:

Poppity · 21/04/2009 10:41

I would be really upset with that too- why can't he just say sorry for upsetting you if he really wasn't being sneaky? Sounds like he's trying to worm out of any blame to me.
Perhaps you need to have a chat about having designated times to go out? As in once a month together, and once a month each separately? Perhaps if he knows he can do that he will be a bit more open and condsiderate, and you'll feel happier too?

TrillianAstra · 21/04/2009 10:50

I think you might be overreacting a bit.

He probably assumed that it was obviously a boys-only outing so didn't bother asking if you could come because that would upset the dynamic.

His friend assumed that it was an anyone-can-come outing, so brought along female friends without bothering to ask if he was allowed.

This happens.

He was more likely busy being annoyed at friend for bringing girls because he didn't want girls, rather than thinking 'I could have brought DP'. But he should at least express regret that he didn't bring you along, since it did turn out to have girls.

troutpout · 21/04/2009 11:04

I agree with poppity...and don't think yabu at all to be upset by this.

Original poster

MistyGee · 21/04/2009 11:06

Thanks Trillian, i think maybe i am being a bit overly-sensitive, and Poppity i agree, just saying sorry would really help.
An apology goes a hugely long way with me, but he's so stubborn! I don't think he sees that he gets to do whatever he wants, when he wants. I don't want him to feel he can't. Drinks after work with workmates etc.
Thats fine.
But i can't help feeling that its a bit one sided....i had ONE night out with girls since DS was born nearly 8 months ago and he keeps bringing it up whenever i say anything about me having time-out.
I do everything around the house - cleaning, cooking, washing, sorting DS, bills, shopping, all the little things.
When i try and point this out i'm 'always having a go at him'.
I don't want to be that person, a nagging partner....thats not me!

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 21/04/2009 11:18

You definitely need to schedule time to yourself, as Poppity suggests. The one incident on its own isn't a very big deal, but he needs to understand that it's not just about the one outing.

compo · 21/04/2009 11:22

I agree with TrillianAstra
you need to roganise things with your own friends imo
he probably just wanted a laugh with his mates and even though there were 2 girsl there it's not the same as having you there, sounds like he just wanted a day off from being a husband and a father, nothing wrong with that, aslong as you get the same

kitbit · 21/04/2009 11:25

It sounds as though he was backed into a corner (of his own making!) and is reacting by crossing his arms and sticking his bottom lip out because he can't really do anything else between that, and apologise. He doesn't want to apologise because he feels attacked an is probably feeling a bit self righteous and defensive (especially as he knows he lied and was caught out), so he's not backing down and is being a bit hurtful in the process.

I think you need to break the cycle otherwise he'll dig his heels in further and feel even more justified in being an arse. Tell him you'd have still said it was OK to go if he'd been totally straight with you and it isn't about who is having fun time and when, it's about being a team, and being straight with each other. Because he has, up to now, always been straight with you, can he see why you were upset when he wasn't?

(Think I overused the word straight there...!)

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