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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at being banned from mil's work for breastfeeding there?

59 replies

AliceMumma · 20/04/2009 04:33

I have been visiting my Mother in law at her work (real estate agent) for 2 years now and just walk out the back to the office and have a cup of tea or she looks after my dd while i get groceries etc. None of the staff (5 women 1 man) get paid to be there, only if they sell a house they get commision.
I had my ds 11 weeks ago and brought him in to see her. She offered me a cuppa and told me to feed him, (i breastfeed) which i did.

A week or so later she told me the man complained to the boss and she told my MIL that i wasnt to be allowd past the front desk! (They are all really nice to me there and even gave presents when ds was born) I didnt think anyone minded and am kinda miffed that breasfeeding has offended someone! I wasnt leaping around the office with my boobs out, i was just sitting in the corner being discreet....

OP posts:

moondog · 20/04/2009 06:17

Oh dear, that's not on at all. Very difficult for you as you need to assert yourself without making things hard for MIL.
Are you cool enough to confront him pleasantly and ask 'Is there a problem?'

Natt82 · 20/04/2009 06:53

Are you sure its because of the BFing? Maybe the other staff are fed up of having your DD there whilst you shop, when they are trying to work. After all, they only get paid when they sell something - and it must be a real PITA to have a toddler there. Maybe seeing you BFing was the excuse they could use to stop it all?

I'd have to say I'd be rather peev'd if a colleague of mine was babysitting their grandchild whilst at work.

If its solely because of BFing YANBU, but honestly I think YABU overall IMO

Geepers · 20/04/2009 06:58

I doubt it is anything to do with the breastfeeding.

It's unprofessional to have someone wander in with two children and make them selves at home, and worse still to leave them while you go off to get your groceries.

chefswife · 20/04/2009 07:11

it would be a lame shame if they are using BF as an excuse to ban you from the office. i would be inclined to think it was just that though.

ABetaDad · 20/04/2009 07:25

AliceMumma - I am inclined to agree with Natt82/Geepers . If this is a regular occurence I think most firms would object to you using it as an informl drop off baby sitting service and maybe the BF was the last straw.

Original poster

AliceMumma · 20/04/2009 09:39

I didnt go there that much, and it was always when the mil would invite me in or offer to have my dd, and (most) of the women there would be really happy to have her in the office, as all they do all day there is sip tea and eat scones and surf the net while they wait for meetings.. (well thats how it seemed every time i went in)!

I told my mil that i wont come in any more and she keeps urging me to, but im not going to. I live over half an hours drive away so thats why i fet ds there cos i knew he would have screamed all the way home!

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/04/2009 10:05

I think YABU taking a toddler and a baby into a workplace, especially leaving them there whilst you go shopping. If I was your MIL's colleagues i would be mightily pissed off.

You atttitude seems to be that they don't actually do very much work anyway - eating scones etc. The way you phrase it makes it sound like they are just doing a bit of voluntary work at a Sue Ryder shop. The fact is that working for commission only in today's property market must be incredibly stressful, probably exacerbated by someone else's children running about. You seem quite self-absorbed.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 20/04/2009 10:11

It would drive me up the wall if someone brought their children into the office and left them there while they went shopping TBH.

It is a workplace not a creche and it is not appropriate for children to be there.

I think you should be grateful that your MIls colleagues have been so accomodating up until this point.

pointydog · 20/04/2009 10:23

I tend to agree with geepers.

2rebecca · 20/04/2009 10:47

I agree with Geepers. I'd be unimpressed if any of our staff let their relatives and children hang around the office for no reason in particular. It was inappropriate of your MIL to invite you to her place of work and inappropriate of you to go.
It's different if you turn up at lunchtime or end of day to meet someone, but it does sound as though you regarded your MILs work as a coffeee and babysitting house.

becstarlitsea · 20/04/2009 10:58

Staying for more than 2 minutes in a friend/relative's office when you have small children with you is not on. Leaving small children at someone's office while you go shopping is really, really, not on. Your MIL is probably so delighted to see her grandchildren that she was oblivious to how resentful her colleagues were becoming.

You seem to think that because they only work on commission that they don't really have a proper job. But actually that means they're under huge pressure. Perhaps your MIL isn't under the same pressure if she has other money coming into her household. If the phones aren't ringing and they are sitting drinking tea and eating scones that means that times are bad, and they will be doubly stressed, not that they're having an easy time.

If you want to go shopping either take your kids, book a babysitter or ask your MIL to babysit on a day that she doesn't work. Breastfeed in public to your hearts content, discretion optional. But better to go to a cafe than to disrupt other people's working day.

jack99 · 20/04/2009 11:04

What is the general feeling about older children coming into the office for the day?

As I write I am in the office and my 9 yo DD is sitting at a spare desk doing her homework and reading. I got permission from the boss as she is not back at school until tomorrow and there are no holiday schemes running today. It is a small office, only 7 of us here.

Boss just came out of his office and said to her "oh, didn't realise you were here yet, you were so quiet".

Sorry to hijack, but some of the posts got me a bit worried that I might be annoying colleagues by doing this, but i was in a bit of a difficult situation with school holidays.

MuffinBaker · 20/04/2009 11:06

Don't worry. You have permission, jack99.

jack99 · 20/04/2009 11:08

Thanks Muffin!

Luckily boss doesn't know I am secretly MNing! I have put my serious face on so he thinks I'm doing a report!

Lulumama · 20/04/2009 11:09

i imagine most real estate agents are having a bad enough time at the moment without staff being used as impropmptu baby sitters!!

this is not about breastfeeding

this is about you making yourself at home and using your MIl's place of work as a creche

DH runs his own business, i would never, ever drop the children with him so i could shop. if i happened to be passing, i have nipped in to take the children for a wee or if they needed a nappy change or a feed, but would leave immediately afterwards

i know staff would have been immensley ticked off if i had spent 2 years wandering in, distracting DH from his work and then leaving the children!

i imagine the boss has had to put his foot down

what if everyone's relatives came in with their children and took staff away from their work?

maybe MIL has been told this is not acceptable and has made out the boss has said it, not her, so that she is not going to get into trouble ?

compo · 20/04/2009 11:10

I think a 9 year old is very different to a toddler and a newborn
If your boss has okayed it I wouldn't worry as long as your 9 yr old is quiet
My dh worked with a woman who bought her 10 yr old in every Saturday she had to work because she was a single parent and didnt have anyone to look after him
he stayed in the staffroom on his gameboy or whatever, or reading
must have been dull for him as she worked every other Saturday

Lulumama · 20/04/2009 11:10

i think an older, unobtrusive child in an office setting, due to no childcare, on a one off is absolutely fine and totally different.

becstarlitsea · 20/04/2009 11:16

That's different jack99 - when I said 'small children' I meant under-sevens - the sort that have to be talked to, entertained and cleaned up after. I work from home, but when I have my niece staying with me I often have her in my home office for the day doing her homework alongside me while I work. She doesn't disturb me at all, I barely notice she's there apart from occasionally when she puts a cup of tea next to me (blimey but my sis did a good job of parenting that girl!). If a child is able to sit quietly and read or study, take themselves to the toilet and not interrupt the office, then if I were the boss I'd be fine with them being there as a very occasional thing.

jack99 · 20/04/2009 11:16

OP, I think I agree with the general feeling that it is not on to hang around an office for long periods of time with small children. Popping in to say hello, show off baby now and then is OK, but to leave kids there is pushing it.

And I agree, commission only work is more pressured than most jobs. They may look as if they have nothing better to do than admire your kids, but remember they are probably just waiting for the next call which may bring in that much needed sale. How do you think they will feel if they are being distracted by childrens chatter/ crying right at the crucial moment?

Nohing against you or your kids, I am sure you are all lovely, but small kids and high pressure work environments just don't mix.

And to be honest, I think the breastfeeding issue has been used as an excuse to put a stop to the extended coffee stops/ babysitting.

spicemonster · 20/04/2009 11:18

jack99 - there is a lady at work whose DD ofen comes in during the school holidays. I hardly even realise she's there - she just sits quietly and watches DVDs or something. Small children are an entirely different matter though.

jack99 · 20/04/2009 11:29

Thanks Lulumama and Becstar, that makes me feel better.

She is very quiet and gets on with her own stuff. Haven't heard a peep out of her all morning - I think she is working on her novel!

Becstar - what a little darling your niece is, we could do with someone like that in our office!

jack99 · 20/04/2009 11:30

And thanks spicemonster, too

skinnymini · 20/04/2009 11:38

Where's the OP gone?

Just wondered if she'd ever had a job, she seems to have some very strange ideas about what constitutes a workplace

missjackson · 20/04/2009 11:48

I really think the child-unfriendly attitude that underlines most of these posts is such a shame - and a real problem with our society which insists on separating childcare and economic 'work'. It's precisely these kind of attitudes that make it so difficult for women to have babies and continue to feel like valued members of society. Why shouldn't your MIL babysit for an hour or two at work while you go off to get groceries? It makes your life so much easier, I am sure, and it doesn't sound like you do it all the time; so why can't her collegues take it in their stride? Children in the workplace, where practical, safe and within reason, should be welcomed imo.

spicemonster · 20/04/2009 11:52

Missjackson - are you for real?!

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