Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my useless arse of a husband to do something without being told?

61 replies

nametaken · 19/04/2009 21:28

Every single thing my dh has done this week-end he has only done because he was told by me to do it.

FFS we have 3 kids, he knows what has to be done every single day of their lives, day in day out, the oldest is 11 I'm really fucking fed up of him.

He has to be told everything, micro-managed, like he's another one of my fucking kids.

I asked him to put a fiver in a birthday card in an envelope and write on it and he wrote on the card, put it in the envelope, sealed it AND DIDN'T PUT THE FUCKING MONEY IN IT - because I wasn't supervising him, because oh my God I had to leave supervising him to go for a wee.

What the fuck am I gonna do. His dad is just the same. My MIL has to tell my FIL to have a shower.

What am I gonna do. I can't spend the rest of my life like this.

He's sitting opposite me now and I feel like knifing him.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 19/04/2009 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BananaFruitBat · 19/04/2009 21:29

Go and clean the taps in the bathroom with his toothbrush.

You will feel MUCH better.

spottypushedherbabyout · 19/04/2009 21:32

If yours is like mine - yes, you are being VERY unreasonable

Actually I tell a lie - he is quite capable of getting himself a beer and sitting infront of the PS3 without being told

ingles2 · 19/04/2009 21:33

I'm laughing at the thought of you knifing him but I know how maddening this is, so sincerely sympathize.
As shineon says, let him deal with things and don't pick up the pieces.
Delegate so you do the important stuff that can't go wrong, then leave the rest to him.
If he cocks up then so be it, do not sort out the problem for him.
Have to ask... are you a control freak at all?

SlartyBartFast · 19/04/2009 21:37

i was carving the chicken earlier and told my dh Not to Upset me when i had a knife in my hand!!

Original poster
nametaken · 19/04/2009 21:38

If he cocks it up - he doesn't have to deal with it I have to deal with it. For example, he filled in a school trip form and gave it to ds in an envelope WITHOUT THE CHEQUE - when the school realise there is no cheque there, I am the one who will have to deal with it. Or would have, if I hadn't spotted it.

I know what you mean about mothering him and bring a control freak. But I swear I wasn't like this until he made me. I HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL becuase he won't. I can't leave it. He wasn't even capable of picking a kid up from school once - it's awful, really awful, I feel like his mother, it's so unsexy and such a turn off.

OP posts:
merryandmad · 19/04/2009 21:40

I asked my dp to be on night duty last night for dd2. (age 2 but has been waking needing a wee for the last couple of nights and taking 1-2 hours to settle back of to sleep, generally wanting to chat and play etc.)

She came into our room and I had to wake him up. He then preceeded to step over her and rush to the toilet before her. Then put her back in her bed- no wee and went downstairs to get her some milk - he basically did not listen to her at all. Left her crying in a hump on the floor and woke her big sis up.

In then end I did the settling again. 3rd night in a row.I even told him before hand, what she would need. Some men don't listen

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/04/2009 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 19/04/2009 21:41

Contempt is very poisonous in relationships. Do you see yourselves staying together?

BeehiveBaby · 19/04/2009 21:42

I feel your pain and it does absolutely kill any attraction to him. Only myself to blame though. He has a DD from a previous relationship and I had seen him on the phone to his ex with DD standing next to him, asking his ex if DSDs hair needed washing .

Simplysally · 19/04/2009 21:45

Either write precise work instructions for every task or delegate stuff with the priviso he sorts it out if it goes wrong ie pass the school note re the cheque for him to rectify.

Sounds hellish sort of do to me.

Original poster
nametaken · 19/04/2009 21:48

Yes, I have nothing but contempt for him he is not even capable of locking up the house before he comes to bed.

Of course, I do lock up the house before I go to bed, but he often goes to get something out of the garage or out of the car afterwards and doesn't lock up.

He was crossing a busy road with dd once when she was about 4 and a car came round the corner really fast. He left DD there in the middle of the road, and ran accross

OP posts:
ingles2 · 19/04/2009 21:50

I know what you're saying and you do get to the point where you feel you are the only responsible adult in the house, but leaving the cheque out isn't that big a deal really. When the school rings to say, give it to dh to sort out.
you have a couple of choices
you either accept you do it all and be resentful.
or
you accept dh is not going to do things your way and not worry about it.
I bet he would do much better if he knew you weren't going to pick up the pieces for him.

ingles2 · 19/04/2009 21:51

x post
It sounds like your relationship is over in that last post nametaken?

Flibbertyjibbet · 19/04/2009 21:52

Ok he sounds pretty normal to me!

I just 'do' all the school application forms, bank stuff, cards that need cheques in, birthday party organisation, etc etc. I do our xmas cards and cards for special things like christenings where you HAVE to send one.

DPs family don't get birthday/mothers day/fathers day cards because he just doesn't do them himself and I draw the line at organising cards for his mother/brother/sister that he forgets to do for me.

I came home from car booting at 3pm this lovely sunny windy afternoon and said 'why didn't you hang out the washing' (that I had put on wash when I got up at 5.45!!!)

"Because you didn't tell me to"

grrrr however I HAVE just asked him to clear up the kitchen and can hear him sweeping, mopping and filling the dishwasher so I can't pick tooooo much fault with him.

Gentle · 19/04/2009 21:54

nametaken I agree that this behaviour from a partner is libido-shrinking. Have you tried telling him that it's unsexy & a turn-off? If you're always off sex, try telling him next time he asks why you're not up for it that it's because you're totally knackered from dealing with everything all day long.

I saw a "revive your sex life" programme once (just happened to be on after a human rights documentary, yes) and the "sexpert" presented the husband with a big box, saying, "Inside this box is something guaranteed to improve your sex life and your partner's perception of you."

Of course you've guessed - it contained washing powder, surafce cleaner, marigolds etc. Man, did he look CRUSHED.

Original poster
nametaken · 19/04/2009 21:54

I cant leave him to pick up the pieces because he works away from Monday to Friday and there is only me here TO pick up the pieces.

That's another thing that annoys me, that I do it all week single handed and yet I have to do it at the week-end too.

OP posts:
bargainhuntingbetty · 19/04/2009 21:55

Start writing him little lists of things to do. Men don't tend to see what needs done. Put the list beside the kettle or stuck to the fridge. Spell it out for him but then leave him to it. Dont stand over him while he is doing it just leave him to get on with it.

Dont know if this helps at all but hope it gets better for you. at him leaving dd in middle of the road.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 19/04/2009 21:58

I was going to offer some advice / support as my DH can be a bit of a useless arse too but that thing about him leaving DD in the road while he ran to safety just left me cold.

That is beyond arseishness that is something else.

tattifer · 19/04/2009 21:58

If he was like this when you first met him (?) why did you think he would change? If he wasn't perhaps Relate might help? Perhaps Relate might help anyway - although it seems unrealistic expecting someone to change after years of essentially being accepted for being this way!

ingles2 · 19/04/2009 21:59

Ok, so you are in exactly the same situation we were in.
I used to get soo pissed off and resentful when dh swanned in on a fri night. I didn't really want him in my space, messing with things I'd already organised, making a mess, making more work for me...
on the other hand I now know he found it really hard to come back and try and slot in. everything was running smoothly (ish) without him and he got out of the habit of what needed doing day to day.
It only stopped when he didn't have to be away so regularly and I started travelling more, so had more understanding of his point of view.

Dior · 19/04/2009 22:00

Nametaken - I do think you are being a little unreasinable. Has he suddenly become this way, or is it something you have always known?

It sounds to me as if he accepts that you have 'roles' in the relationship and that he likes to leave the organising of things to you. It only becomes a problem when you decide that is not acceptable any more. E.g., my h never remembers birthdays, even of his own family - I accept that and organise it all. It annoys me a little but I don't feel like stabbing him for it!

It sounds as if you could do with someone professional to talk with. Or, a solicitor!

Original poster
nametaken · 19/04/2009 22:03

Hmmm, I know what you mean Tattifer. I guess he has always been like this but that before we had kids, it didn't matter what he did. He took care of himself and I took care of myself.

Now there are 3 more to take care of and I didn't sign up to doing it all myself.

I mean for christs sake, even single mothers get a break every other week-end. Is that why women split from their partners. To get them to do their share? I bet that's got a lot to do with it and I can see their point now from where I'm standing. Jeez, I'd love every other week-end off.

OP posts:
Gentle · 19/04/2009 22:03

This is what finally worked for me and DH - I picked a good moment and said, "DH, I need your advice. I'm totally fed up because I feel like all the jobs around the house are up to me. What can we do about it?" He then put a lot of effort into trying to solve "my" problem for me, came up with the idea that he could do more than he does, and then - ping! I just happened to have a housework rota at the ready...

ABetaDad · 19/04/2009 22:24

nametaken - without in any way excusing your DH perhaps he feels that you are running everything and he is never actually party to the plan of action (held in your head) of what needs to be done next so he just sits and waits to be asked.

The problem may be that because you are running the house 24/7 you know what needs to be done and so DH is left guessing all the time and waiting for his orders?

Gentle is right. Sit him down and divide up the work. He should do his share. Mention the way you feel about him being unsexy too that should help motivate him.

Agree with too with Gentle on the 'box' anecdote. I think I saw the same programme. It was very striking the look on the man's face. Teenage boys should be told the secret of getting and keeping a woman is to learn to cook, clean, and bathe without being asked.