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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my useless arse of a husband to do something without being told?

61 replies

nametaken · 19/04/2009 21:28

Every single thing my dh has done this week-end he has only done because he was told by me to do it.

FFS we have 3 kids, he knows what has to be done every single day of their lives, day in day out, the oldest is 11 I'm really fucking fed up of him.

He has to be told everything, micro-managed, like he's another one of my fucking kids.

I asked him to put a fiver in a birthday card in an envelope and write on it and he wrote on the card, put it in the envelope, sealed it AND DIDN'T PUT THE FUCKING MONEY IN IT - because I wasn't supervising him, because oh my God I had to leave supervising him to go for a wee.

What the fuck am I gonna do. His dad is just the same. My MIL has to tell my FIL to have a shower.

What am I gonna do. I can't spend the rest of my life like this.

He's sitting opposite me now and I feel like knifing him.

OP posts:

marleysmum87 · 19/04/2009 22:31

"I mean for christs sake, even single mothers get a break every other week-end."

Errr hello?! No we don't!!!!

For the record - YANBU but you shouldn't make such generalising sweeping statements like this

I get four hours break on a saturday morning..................when my mum has DD so I can go out to work.

I would also love to every ther weekend off!

It sounds almost like you already feel like a single parent??

tattifer · 19/04/2009 22:38

To be fair, when I was a single parent I did have every other weekend off. Now I'm married they go to their dads every weekend (cue the canned applause)

Seriously though - try speaking with him about sharing more or even going to relate. It can be quite daunting trying to intervene with someone else's (even your spouse's) well organised routine - particularly if he's away most of the week. If things need to change you'll need to introduce the concept of the need for change before the change takes place. Talk to him -good luck

Poppity · 19/04/2009 23:08

Could you give him regular simple jobs (put bins out, do recycling, change sheets on bed, bath children, hoover the house) which he could programme into his phone so the alarm would go off to remind him?
Then you would know these will be done each weekend and perhaps it will help the resentment you feel?
Just tell him you don't like to nag him, it makes you feel bad about yourself and him, and you thought organising it would be a better way. If he likes gadgets, you could even soften him up with one of those palm organiser thingies to do the reminding?

mumeeee · 19/04/2009 23:39

You don't have to take control. \just step back and let him get on with it. I would be very annoyed if my DH kept telling me what to do and DH would be annoyed with me if I did it to him.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 20/04/2009 09:57

Have a think about why he does this. Is it just general vagueness, or is there a possibility that he is deliberately cocking up the jobs he is given because he thinks you ought to be doing them?
Please don't buy in to the bullshit that 'all men' are like this and it's just something you have to put up with - you don't. He's an adult human being, who should be contributing his share of domestic work. He doesn't get to have it all done for him just bcause he has a penis.

ahfeckit · 20/04/2009 10:14

did you know your DH was like this when you met him??? YABU if you did know he needed mothering when you started dating...

ahfeckit · 20/04/2009 10:16

and I can see why he messes things up, my DH is actually good in general at doing things using his initiative but occasionally he will mess things up (which I presume means he thinks I'm better at it than he is, and he basically can't be bothered to do the job himself).
ask him if he wants you to wipe his ar*e for him too while you're at it...

Eve34 · 20/04/2009 11:04

I have one of these men too, doesn't lock the house up at night, can't put anything away and has piles of stuff where ever he leave it.

In the morning there is always a light left on, tap running or the fridge open.

If I mention it I am nagging so just except him for what he it - a man.

He will do things if I ask him too and does the 'blue' jobs - mends things mows the lawn etc.

I just keep on top of evrything even though it drives me mad. And I have also started piling his stuff up by his side of the bed, you should see it!

Crackopenthebaileys · 20/04/2009 11:12

I sympathise entirely. My dh is the same, I can't trust him to do anything of his own accord. If I ask him to post a letter, he says 'phone me and remind me' what the hell?
I don't have someone phoning me to remind me of my jobs!
I do 90% of the housework, all of the financial management, and most of the childcare. I am a childminder, so am at home working 8am til 6.30 pm. Technically I work more hours than him..... so why am I doing it all?

Who knows?

((runs off to check mirror for the word 'doormat' written on forehead))

kiddiz · 20/04/2009 11:21

My dh does absolutely nothing without being told. And I am guilty of falling into the trap of thinking by the time I've laid out step by step what needs doing I could have done it myself, so do it. It also bothers me if the house is a tip (and I mean a tip ...I'm not wildly houseproud or a clean freak) long before he would even notice.
He also won't do anything unless he perceives that the dcs have done their fair share too. So for example he won't unload the dish washer because he thinks the dcs don't do it so why should he. In fact I'm all for making the children contribute to the housework but he should be leading by example not seeing the whole thing as a competition. In fact the dcs do more than him anyway. When I got in from work yesterday ds2 had made dinner so I wouldn't have to start cooking when I'd been at work all day. Dh would never do that, I'd just get "what's for dinner?" from him. (and he didn't thank ds2 for cooking either)
He hasn't always been this way. He was very ill 3 years ago and I willingly took on everything then through necessity and it's stuck. Even though he's now well he still hasn't taken on any of the things he used to do. His illness has made him very selfish which sounds mean of me to say I know but it just feels that everything has to be about him now and no one else is allowed to be ill. He hides away on the pc for hours on end instead which is a whole other problem.

He has been known to try the whole "but you do it so much better than me" thing which I told him would result in him wearing the hoover if he ever said it again. That's the biggest cop out in the history of cop outs imo.!

SammyK · 20/04/2009 11:33

He forgets to lock the house, and run out ofthe road away from a car but forgot he had DD in the road with him and left her there???

Are you it's just fuckwittery and not early onset dementia or something??

I can understand you feeling how you do I would feel the same. What job does he do? If he is competent at work why not with his home life??

jack99 · 20/04/2009 11:56

My dh is a bit hopeless with housework and practical aspects of childcare, but can always be relied on to play with dcs and keep them safe if they are left with him.

I have noticed that since I spent a week in hospital with appendicitis he has started doing more around the house without being asked. He decided off his own bat that he would cook tea every Friday and has done it two weeks in a row so far - buys ingredients, does all cooking, clears up and loads all dishes into diswasher after.

I would suggest that you try to manouvre him into taking care of dcs while you go away for a few days (maybe a girls holiday, being carted off to hospital is a bit extreme!. The only worry is he seems not to be capable of keeping his own kids safe. You really have my sympathy there as, though there are plenty of blokes around who shirk on housework, most of them can be trusted keep their own kids safe.

Megglevache · 20/04/2009 11:58

What does he do for work? How does he cope with responsibility in his own workplace.

Please don't say he is a merchant banker...

slug · 20/04/2009 12:06

How about "forgetting" to cater for his every need and whim?

Imagine the conversation..."Oh sorry dear, you didn't tell me to wash your socks/do your iorning/cook your dinner/make you a cup of tea/etc" Then whine "Why didn't you remind me??"

jack99 · 20/04/2009 12:11

I agree slug, don't do anything which is directly for him - don't iron his shirts, make him meals etc. Just concentrate your efforts on what you need to do for yourself and dcs.

If he is hungry and has no clothes to wear it does not affect you, but he will be forced to get off his arse and sort himself out.

Stayingsunnygirl · 20/04/2009 12:17

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who's noticed the story about him leaving his 4-year-old dd in the road and running to safety himself!!

And yes, the cheque for the school is only a little thing by itself, but I can totally understand how frustrating it can become when there are lots of little things like that adding up. One pinprick isn't a big deal, but loads of pinpricks really hurts.

Nametaken - I suspect that you are going to have to decide on a division of tasks, and accept the need for micromanaging him in some areas - but perhaps you could spell out to him how unsexy this makes him, and see if that changes anything. Tell him you're happy to treat him like one of the children, but he shouldn't expect you to find that alluring.

messymissy · 20/04/2009 12:19

nametaken - i can sympathise, i think there are loads of men who want by choice do anything unless directly told to.... they can be the most organized and together people at work, but get them home and that all goes to pot! they just don't want to think of things or take any responsibility once at home - and i think they look out for women who are the coping sort!

think some do things badly to prevent being asked again, some wait to be asked / told in the hope that a) you will forget to ask and do it yourself, b) get so fed up asking, you do it yourself.... a win - win situation for the man!

dont go in for tit for tat antics... only leads to rows imho.

MarmadukeScarlet · 20/04/2009 12:26

nametaken My DH is also a useless arse, something I am not at all proud of - most women (including those on here) seem to think it is my own fault for pandering to him.

He is 49 and despite being shown by several people, including my neighbour when I was in hsopital for 10 days with DS, he cannot work the washing machine.

He was eductaed at one of the top public schools/oxbridge and runs his own company with offices on several Continents.

We have a DS with disabilities, he struggles to take him out as he cannot un/fold the wheelchair! Last time he looked after him on his own for a few hours he took him to softplay (easier that caring for him at home) and then to lunch in town (ditto) but didn't support him properly on the escalator and he fell backwards down nearly half the length (luckily some boys stopped him falling further)and sustained a nasty head injury (DH than didn't take him to A&E, despite HI being very dangerous for DS due to conditon he has).

He knows I find mothering him libido sapping, but also I am starting to lose my respect for him.

So no practical advise for you, only empathy.

I am not a control freak and nowadays I am not even a tidy freak, just cannot be bothered to do anything other than bare minimum.

Megglevache · 20/04/2009 12:27

Marmaduke, that's so bloody awful you poor thing

jack99 · 20/04/2009 12:30

Marmaduke - I don't think it is your fault, he is a grown man with free will. If he is determined not to do his share despite what you think of him you can't much about it. All you can do is refuse to do stuff which is just for him and concentrate on looking after your dcs and yourself.

At least that may take the strain off you to some extent.

MarmadukeScarlet · 20/04/2009 12:39

Thank you (and apols to OP for hijack) I only want the odd day off every now and again to spend some, much needed, girl time with our DD - on the escalator occasion a good friend had give DD and I tickets to Stricly Come Dancing Live.

He works away much of the time, so mostly his laundry is done by hotels!

I no longer do his ironing, but as a previous poster pointed out 'tit for tat' just creates bad feeling. I'll cook for him if I'm cooking for me, but if I eat with the DC he has to fend for himself - he can make toast and bowls of cereal now.

ingles2 · 20/04/2009 12:43

Megglevache · 20/04/2009 12:45

marmaduke where are you?

MarmadukeScarlet · 20/04/2009 12:48

ingles2 · 20/04/2009 12:48

Kent, Meggle

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