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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite DP's mother to DS2's Christening

52 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:19

he thinks we should but ds2 is 18m now and she has never set eyes on him other than photos i have sent her. She has never even called to see how he is getting on etc.

She fell out with dp because he and his ex of 22yrs split up and has seen him since he and I have been together just once when he was in hospital.

The other day his sister messaged me on msn and said Mum and I were wondering what time the christening was and am i still god mother...

she had stopped talking to us a year ago...i did not reply i signed off. But dp thinks we should invite them and have her as god mother. I on the other hand say we shouldn't they have not been interested in us or the dc up until now.

I must explain that dps sister was away for many years after she fell out with the mother who couldn't accept the fact she was a lesbian.

I found her through friends reunited as DP really missed her but even though we all met up when i was pg with ds2 and continued to until ds2 was about 8m old then dp got made redundant and she stopped coming round. We put it down to the fact we could no longer afford to be the bank of london for her.

Anyway would you invite these people to the christening? Personally i don't want to...

OP posts:
Littlefish · 19/04/2009 08:25

Actually, I think I would invite them, and I would have DP's sister as an additional godparent.

There may be reasons you don't know about why she broke off contact.

Unless you are prepared at this point to permanently lose contact with both of them, I think you should invite them.

You are bound to cause a massive rift if you don't.

They are DP's family, and therefore, the decision should be his.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:25

ooppss forgot to add dps sister is an alcoholic as well and that was one of things she relied on us for.

Also dps mother is angry at him for leaving ex but not only did she do the same thing she also abandoned her children (dp and his sister)

and when I was pg with ds2 she told dp if he went back to ex then she would have dealings with her grandson - ds2.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 19/04/2009 08:26

i think to be honest if she wants to be childish then let her but at some point some bridges need to be mended

invite her then your being the bigger people it may even allow her to mend things as some mothers dont know how to parent properly cant accept there wrong and sink so far in it dont know how to get out again

i wouldn't offer godparent at all grandmother is enough and she doesn't sound like the sort of person i would want raising my child at all

an invite wont hurt after all it is his mum and he will naturally be missing her if she doesnt come you at least know you have made the effort nothing can ever come back on you acting childish etc

you would allow her the decision if she doesnt want to come fair enough

bubblagirl · 19/04/2009 08:27

oh sorry just noticed it was sister that was godmother that is up to you if your comfortable that you get on well enough

pavlovthepregnantcat · 19/04/2009 08:27

I think I recall you had a thread when your DP was ill and was in hosp and you posted about his mum then? If I recall correctly his mother still has contact with his ex-wife? (not sure if that was a different one?).

Personallty, if this was my mother, I would not bother, it would cause me more heartache to invite her and risk her spurning, or coming and being a pain. BUT, I think, this is DPs mother, and it has to be his choice. If he really wants her there, he should invite her, and you might have to just accept that.

As far as his sister goes, perhaps she has her own issues to deal with? Have you been in touch with her at all since she stopped contact when you LO was little? My family make-up is complicated, I speak to my brothers rarely, but they would definitely be invited to a christening. My sister, on the other hand, would not be invited, as my relationship with her is too toxic for her to be part of my life. If I did want her in my life though, DH would accept that, even though he dislikes her.

I feel for you, and good luck with the christening!

aGalChangedHerName · 19/04/2009 08:28

Erm no i wouldn't either tbh. What would be the point? So you invite them for one day and then what??

They don't see you or the dc again?

I have gotten to the stage in my life with our families where i do what suits me and bugger the rest of em.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:28

Littlefish, there has only been contact once from his mother and that was in 2006 when dp was ill in hospital. Other than that it is DP who has tried to talk to her in emails and on the phone. She has always made excuses.

As for his sister she has had nothing to do with the entire family for 20 years and then came back which is when i found her on friends reunited. and for a while there was contact between dp and his sister until she decided she wanted contact with me and dc but not dp...I said nope we are a family.

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 19/04/2009 08:29

If DP insists then i wouldn't have his sis as godparent.

pavlovthepregnantcat · 19/04/2009 08:31

(I don't mean if it was my mother. Would love my mother at my christening - i mean, if I was your DP, just to clarify!)

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:32

Pavlov, yes same person. I have spoken to her a times since contact stopped and tbh what she said to me did not lay very well with dp or I. Everytime she had a drink she would tell me how if i was not with dp she would love to be with me

Agal, thats my point exactly!

OP posts:
pavlovthepregnantcat · 19/04/2009 08:33

Agalch - yes, I agree completely. Sometimes, it is the best thing to let sleeping dogs lie isn't it?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:34

Agal, I already have 9 a fair few godparents for ds2 lol

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:35

This is what I am saying to DP, his mother has his and my email address and even though she has never met ds2 i have always sent her photos of him...don't ask me why.

If she was interested she could make contact.

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 19/04/2009 08:36

OMG really Evenstar?? Shit i would have nothing to do with her!!

They sound like weirdos and they bring nothing to your lives by the sounds of it so why bother for one day.

Tell DP if he has to have them there then he can deal with them but make sure he knows his sis is not godparent. Just concentrate on you and the dc and enjoy the day x

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:39

aGal, lol they won't talk to him, and he expects me to play host to them...... there is no way i could

OP posts:
mum2jack07 · 19/04/2009 08:41

i wouldnt bother hun,thats my opinion though.if she has never bothered then surely she isnt interested? x

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:41

aGal, dp phoned his mother before ds2 turned 1 and invited her to his party she told us she was going to be in india...when in fact she wasn't not for another 2 weeks..think he would have got it then don't you?

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 19/04/2009 08:42

So if they won't talk to him then why does he think they should come

Stick to your guns and say no. There is no point.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:45

he thinks it could be a turning point for some reason

OP posts:
pavlovthepregnantcat · 19/04/2009 08:47

Agree, if they are not even talking to DP and it is you that will have to do everything for them to be there, I would certainly not do it. Only people who have a positive influence in your life should be at major events such as christening, it is a happy time for those who want to celebrate. It is not a given for all relatives to come crawling out of the woodwork, as much as they think it might be.

2rebecca · 19/04/2009 09:04

I think it's mainly up to your husband to decide whether he wants them there or not. I wouldn't have your SIL as a godparent, to me that's what close friends/ people you'd consider as guardians for your child if anything happened to the 2 of you are for, not relatives you don't like much.
I don't think how much contact they've had with your husband and kids up until now is relevent. If your husband wants them there invite them, if he doesn't don't.

Nekabu · 19/04/2009 09:06

I'd invite them both as christenings are one of those family events (a bit like weddings or funerals) where someone not being invited is an insult you can't correct at a later date. You can't un-uninvite them in years to come, IYSWIM. I wouldn't have his sister as a godmother though. She'll be an aunt anyway and has done nothing to 'earn' being a godparent.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 09:16

I would invite them IF they had a clue about us as a family, dps mother will not talk to ds1 (she stated this on the phone to dp) at all because biologically he is not dps, she won't have anything to do with ds2 because dp won't leave me and go back to his ex...

These are innocent children.

OP posts:
compo · 19/04/2009 09:22

I think if your dp wants to invite his mum and sister to the christening you have to stand back to a certain extent and let him decide
By refusing that puts all the decisoion making and onus on you for future relations btw his family and him, think about it, in 20 years time do you want him saying to you 'it's because of you I don't speak to my mum anymore'

apostrophe · 19/04/2009 09:24

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