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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite DP's mother to DS2's Christening

52 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 08:19

he thinks we should but ds2 is 18m now and she has never set eyes on him other than photos i have sent her. She has never even called to see how he is getting on etc.

She fell out with dp because he and his ex of 22yrs split up and has seen him since he and I have been together just once when he was in hospital.

The other day his sister messaged me on msn and said Mum and I were wondering what time the christening was and am i still god mother...

she had stopped talking to us a year ago...i did not reply i signed off. But dp thinks we should invite them and have her as god mother. I on the other hand say we shouldn't they have not been interested in us or the dc up until now.

I must explain that dps sister was away for many years after she fell out with the mother who couldn't accept the fact she was a lesbian.

I found her through friends reunited as DP really missed her but even though we all met up when i was pg with ds2 and continued to until ds2 was about 8m old then dp got made redundant and she stopped coming round. We put it down to the fact we could no longer afford to be the bank of london for her.

Anyway would you invite these people to the christening? Personally i don't want to...

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/04/2009 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 09:39

Stewie, DP sat down with dss and asked him what he wanted. DSS told DP he had not wanted to see him for a while but had not known how to tell him. anyway he asked him what made him feel like that and he said "Mum and Nanny have explained it all to me how now you have a new baby and partner that you don't want me anymoreand thats why you don't take me to funfairs or buy me games now" DP tried to explain this was not the case, unfortunatly he has been brainwashed. We just can't afford to do these things now.

You are right I don't want someone as toxic as her at ds2s christening. And if this was when he was a tiny baby and she had not had 18m to make contact of a positive kind then maybe I would feel different.

DP wants to invite them as he thinks it will be the turning point for ds2 to have a relationship with them...personally i don't really want them there nor will I be happy if he does invite them...the sister is definatly not going to be a godparent. I have them already, they are decent people who care about ds2.

OP posts:

AuntieMaggie · 19/04/2009 09:49

I wouldn't want them there either. But I would get DP to talk to them and say they can come but only if they are going to deal with him.

I don't understand why he'd want people there, mother and sister or not, that don't want anything to do with him but sometimes it's hard to realise you're better off without them bringing you down.

If they do come and it doesn't go as DP might be hoping, it may be a turning point or him to realise that he is better off without them.

I would talk to him as others have said and make your points clear but don't argue about it - they aren't worth it. At the end of the day they're his family and HE has to deal with them not you.

FrannyandZooey · 19/04/2009 09:55

yanbu

Sassybeast · 19/04/2009 10:03

I wouldn't have them at the Christening for the simple reason that things may get heated and it could ruin the day. Perhaps think about inviting them over sometime in the future ?

donttrythisathome · 19/04/2009 10:10

My mother fell out with my SIL and her family, and relations between them are non-existent. Very bitter situation.

When DN was getting christened, my mother was invited to the christening, but SIL/her family and my mother just avoided each other. My brother wanted my mother there, and while things were awkward, terrible, at the end of the day it was right for her to attend/be invited.

I can completely understand where you're coming from, but they are DP's family and I really think it is his decision to make about whether they come or not.

However, it is for both of you to decide who the godparents are, and also you should not be expected to talk to them or have anything to do with them at the christening.

2rebecca · 19/04/2009 11:02

Do they live near enough that you could invite them (I'd do it 1 at a time rather than both together) to see you both and the kids before the christening? To me that would be a better way of reestablishing a relationship than them both coming to an important social do, especially if 1 is an alcoholic.
If they want to reestablish a relationship and your husband is in agreement then I really think you should stand back.
Imagine if this thread was by a woman saying "My mum and sister want to reestablish a relationship with us and I'd like to give them the chance but my husband is vetoing things" everyone would say how unreasonable and controlling he was being.

Dalrymps · 19/04/2009 12:15

Personally I wouldn't, sounds like it would be a much nicer day without them. Sounds like you have lots of nice people who care about you and the dc who will be there to share the occasion. Of course you might have to discuss it further with dp to come to a decision you are both comfortable with.

IME people like this don't change (as you know all about!). There is a small possibility it might be a 'turning point' but I think more likely they will at best make the day uncomfortable and at worst ruin the occasion.

Maybe better to 'build bridges' away from such an emotionally charged event?

BunnyLebowski · 19/04/2009 12:34

I wouldn't if I were you TLE.

I have a similar kind of situation. DP's dad (who brought him up alone) hasn't even met our dd of 6 months. We've sent photo's and christmas cards etc but they've had had no acknowledgement.

He's a bitter, misogynistic, nasty piece of work who has reduced my DP to tears manys a time with emotional blackmail and hurtful phone calls followed by months of refusing to speak to him.

And the reason?

Because he can't stand the fact that his son has a life of his own and a functional loving relationship. Oh and he hates that we are closer to my family who are a wonderful supportive close family who make my DP feel like one of their own.

As atheists we haven't had dd christened but if we had I would not have wanted FIL and his toxic presence there.

Life since he stopped speaking to DP has been drama-free and peaceful.

I think it's terrible that dd will grow up without knowing him but would rather have that then expose her to his fuckery.

Just because someone is family does not mean we have to put up with any abuse they dish out. Ultimately you have to do what is right for YOUR family especially your dc's.

nappyaddict · 19/04/2009 12:48

I don't think I would invite them and I certainly wouldn't have the sister as a godmother.

MollieO · 19/04/2009 13:04

I invited my brother to ds's christening in the hope of healing a family rift. He didn't bother to come but at least I know I made the effort. We have spoken once since then (4.5 yrs ago). If I had another dc I wouldn't bother with the invite.

FloriaTosca · 19/04/2009 13:06

My mother was estranged from her parents when I was born...they weren't invited to my christening, though both mums sister and grans sister were my godmothers....a few months later my gran resumed contact and had to work very hard to gain my love and trust (I was very sensitive to mood even at that age).. basically my gran was a rubbish mother but she was a lovely gran and for all her faults I loved her and I am grateful that my parents allowed her contact with me. I totally understand you not wanting your sil as godparent, you dont need the title to have a good relationship with a child if you want one.. but those photographs will always look empty if things change in the future and it is easy enough to let them come and avoid them for the day.I hope the day is fabulous whatever you decide

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 19/04/2009 15:56

I have asked dp why he wants his dragon mother there considering she has only spoken to /seen him once in the last 6 years now (he and ex split in 2003) and he said he misses her (understandable) and hopes she will want to know ds1 and ds2. I explained how i feel and he has said he doesn't want to upset the day and will leave the decision to me..

OH GOLLY THANKS

OP posts:

HecatesTwopenceworth · 19/04/2009 18:19

I wouldn't have anyone I didn't like and didn't trust as godparent out of some sort of weird feeling of duty, no matter who they were.

I also wouldn't invite someone to any event - wedding, christening, birthday bloody party! If I didn't like them and I didn't want them there.

Life's too short to waste it faking friendship and love to people you dislike - and tbh, such feelings are generally mutual, so it's fakery all round. Bollocks to that.

donttrythisathome · 19/04/2009 20:24

I think your DP is being very loving and understanding.

You don't have to fake anything towards his family. Ask them to sit at the back of the church (that's where my mother hung out at DN's christening) and to leave after the photos if this would feel better.

But if I were you (and I know I don't know the situation) I would return some of that understanding to DP and let him have whoever he wants there.

Good luck with the difficult choice.

Hulababy · 19/04/2009 20:26

I think I would invite them to the Christening.

However I wouldn't ask sister to be a godparent. I would just say that I had selected close friends as godparents in order to extend the child's family and as an auntie she already has a role to play.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2009 21:22

Well DP phoned his dragon mother today. and invited her. Her reply was she would come on the condition that ds1 did not think he could call her nan or expect her to treat him the same as ds2 and that dp made sure I was the one to talk to her etc.

He explained to her that ds1 and ds2 are always treated equally as they are both our children and not just one of them. And that if she felt unable to carry that on then she was not welcome.

She asked well how am i meant to see my dd become godmother,

DP said there is no hope of that mum, she is not stable enough to look after herself let alone anyone else.

So i guess he got the answer he needed...I do feel bad for him though

OP posts:

2rebecca · 20/04/2009 21:54

ds1 and 2 are both your children but I presume they are not both her grandchildren. Is ds2 just your son and not your current partners? If so then he will have 2 sets of grandparents of his own. My dad treats my kids and my husband's kids differently, 2 of them are his grandchildren and 2 aren't. The 2 who aren't don't care because they have their own grandparents who aren't my kids' grandparents. My husband and I treat the 4 children equally but a stepfamily isn't the same as a nuclear family and the relationships are different.
I'm surprised at her mentioning this though because I wouldn't expect your son to call a woman granny who isn't his granny. Her mentioning it sounds petty, and presuming her daughter is godparent if she's never been asked.

2rebecca · 20/04/2009 21:55

sorry I meant is ds1 just your son but your partner's stepson

nappyaddict · 20/04/2009 23:22

IIRC TLES' DH would like to adopt DS1. IMO if that is the case everyone in the family should treat him the same as DS2.

Also if I am reading your comment correctly you and your DH don't have any children together so I think that is a bit different as they don't share any relatives by blood. Sorry if I've misunderstood and you do have a child(ren) together.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2009 23:25

Nappy ds1 is not his biologically, ds2 is. but yes he wants to adopt him. and yet dragon mother still refuses to accept the situation,

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 20/04/2009 23:35

Sorry for the hijack, just wanted to ask rebecca something...

Going off topic massively here but I remember on a thread a month or so ago you said your ex didn't tell you when he got a new girlfriend. Had he introduced your children to his girlfriend before he told you about her? My friend was wondering what the etiquette is in this situation and I said I remembered reading about a similar situation on here not long ago so said I would ask for him.

2rebecca · 21/04/2009 13:21

I probably found out he was seeing her through the kids, but as I was living with my current husband at the time and both ex and I felt that who we introduced the children to was none of the other parent's business and I knew the girlfriend and liked her it didn't matter.
I think my ex and I feel that despite our marriage not lasting forever we are both basically sensible people who love our kids and don't deliberately try to mess them up. I think if you have that attitude then you are more relaxed about what the other parent does with the kids. Their dad is a good dad to them.
Our only rule is that you have to OK it with the other parent before taking the kids outside Great Britain.

nappyaddict · 21/04/2009 13:36

My friend thinks the way to go is just say it in passing and not make a big deal out of it. His gf has offered to pick his DS up from nursery some mornings for him cos at the moment he has to rush back from work and is sometimes late and then has to pay extra. He wasn't going to tell his ex the arrangement because he thinks if he tells his ex she will kick off and not allow him to have DS anymore. I said he should probably tell her because if she finds out he kept it from her it will be worse.

Sorry for the hijack!!

nappyaddict · 21/04/2009 13:46

Just had a text from my friend. He also wants to know if before you found out about her was she staying overnight whilst your children were there?

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