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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP that the maintanance is for MY kids?

68 replies

MyImmortal · 18/04/2009 16:33

I have two children to previous relationship, DP has one to previous relationship.

ALl 3 children live with us.

I receive maintanance from my children's father.

DP refuses to claim maintanance from his ex wife. He says he can't be bothered and doesn't want anything to do with her. I think it's because he thinks if she paid, it would put her on higher ground if they ever went to court.

Thing is, whenever my ex brngs the maintanance, DP has started budgeting for his DD out of it. For instance he will say stuff like "oh, well all the kids need new coats, we'll get them from the mainatance on Friday ... "

But the maintanance is supposed to be for my 2 kids. It's not their fault he refuses to claim for his DD.

I don't begrudge her anything and if she needs something, I will gladly buy it out of my wages or the joint account but I'm sick of him dividing the maintanance into 3.

Am I being petty?

OP posts:
MayorNaze · 18/04/2009 16:35

i can see your point, but surely if you all live together as one family then all money should be for everybody?

a tricky one though.

Sassybeast · 18/04/2009 16:35

No YANBU.

MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 16:36

I don't think you are actually. It seems like what does it matter, all the money in one pot and the shopping got for the kids. It is the principle that he is denying his daughter because he wants to punish his ex.

That's how I see it anyway.

Original poster
MyImmortal · 18/04/2009 16:37

Exactly and he slags his ex off all the time in front of DSD too, it drives me nuts.

OP posts:
JeanPoole · 18/04/2009 16:38

after seeing this another thread about step-familes and money.

i don't know how people live like this.

raising a family is hard work but step parenting seens like a whole new league

must be tough.

MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 16:38

He needs to stop that too.

Give him a verbal kicking.

SerendipitousHarlot · 18/04/2009 16:38

This is a difficult one. I can't decide if you're BU or not really.

If you all live together, then the money should be one big pot. But I can also see why it annoys you that he can't be bothered to claim himself, and then expects you to cough up out of your dc's maintenance.

Not much help really, am I?

MayorNaze · 18/04/2009 16:43

what serendipitousharlot said, but she put it much better than i did

MamazonFirstladyofFilth · 18/04/2009 16:47

but when he gets paid does he tell you you can't buy something for your Dc's and to wait for your maintenance?

i dont think your BU but i do think it needs to work both ways.
he also needs to at least claim from his ex wife.

junglist1 · 18/04/2009 18:41

YANBU!How would your ex feel about paying for your new mans child? Maybe gently explain to DP that you don't really think it's right, adding that you are willing to pay for his childs stuff from wages etc.

FAQinglovely · 18/04/2009 18:42

I'm with Serendipt

TheProfiteroleThief · 18/04/2009 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkTulips · 18/04/2009 18:53

YANBU

that money is from your xp to his children.

legally your on dodgy footing using it on dsd and morally too.

if he chooses not to claim for his daughter that's fine, but your xp pays for his childrens upkeep and only his.

i think it's completely wrong of your dp to presume he has any access to that money whatsoever.

SparklingSarah · 18/04/2009 18:57

I think you are being petty actually!

If you were out and decided to get lunch out and he was paying but only for his kid you'd feel outraged no doubt.

Has it occured to you he may not want to claim because it's another battle and he'd probably rather just get on with life, without this woman who has effectively abandoned her child?
maybe he has asked and she's refused and it hurts maybe he is scared it will give her cause to fight for custody.

Do you really begrudge his child?

Our house has a mix of his mine and our kids
to be truthful I never even consider splitting finances in such a way if they need coats they need coats if they need feeding they need feeding.
Same as any other need from a hug to some help with homework - I do what needs to be done.

FAQinglovely · 18/04/2009 19:00

PT why legally on dodgy ground??

I'm sure there are many many families, especially those were money is relatively tight, that ALL money whether it's wages, child benefit, child maintenance, tax credits etc go into one big pot and get used one what the money needs spending on. Whether that's jackets for the children, or the gas bill.

Jaquelinehyde · 18/04/2009 19:04

He should seek to claim some maintenance for his DC.

However, if all your money is generally sorted through a joint account, bills paid from it etc. Then one could argue that he has every right to claim some of it, as his wages are helping support your's and ex DP's children. Housing costs, food, fuel bills.

My DP has two children who live with us, he gets no maintenance. I do get help for my DS from ex DH. All money goes together, we spend it on what we have to spend it on regardless of whose child it is.

That's what living together and being a family is all about surely!

AnnieLobeseder · 18/04/2009 19:07

I think that the ex has a right to expect the money to be spent only on his children. If someone came on here saying that their XP was spending money she had given him specifically for their children on his new DP's children, I think most on MN would be screaming about what a knob he was being. While I'm all for family finances being pooled, I think maintenance money should be kept separate. If I were the ex I'd be fuming if I found out it was being spent on someone else's child. Your DP should understand this. Ask him how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

FAQinglovely · 18/04/2009 19:10

how lovely to be in a position where maintenance money can be kept separate just for things for the children...........mind you where do you draw the line at "for the children" - you don't pay the bills and your children suffer as a result.

Longtalljosie · 18/04/2009 19:10

Mamazon has put her finger on the key point though - is your DP's wage also providing upkeep for your DDs? Because if he is, YABU. If he isn't, YANBU.

Springfleurs · 18/04/2009 19:12

Yes, if all other income into the household is pooled then that should be too. It all evens up in the end doesn't it if that is the case?

OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 19:12

I can see your point in principle but I think in this sort of situation principles are an expensive luxury? Regardless of where the money comes from to pay for X & Y, his child shouldn't lose out.

Portofino · 18/04/2009 19:12

Well if you think of it the other way round - you are handing over your money to support YOUR children. It might be a struggle to do so, but you know that is the right thing to do and they are YOUR children. Wouldn't you be mighty pissed to discover that A THIRD of your hard earned cash is being spent of a child that is NOTHING to do with you, and that YOUR kids have less of your money?

YANBU! How you divide up the rest of the family income and whatever your dp chooses to re. his ex is entirely up to you. But what your ex pays for his children is theirs!

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/04/2009 19:14

YANBU is you have separate finances, YABU if he works and supports the whole family.

Like another poster has said, presumably he helps pay for a roof over your childrens head, food and heating etc and doesnt begrudge you that so why begrudge sharing with his child?

Jaquelinehyde · 18/04/2009 19:16

Annie - Maintenance is paid to help with the financial burden of supporting a child. This includes rent/mortgage, food shopping, gas bills, water bills, electricity bills, council tax etc, etc. Then obvioulsy there are costs directly linked to the child but these are minor in comparrison I'm sure you will agree.

I bloody well hate it when people claim that money paid for children should only ever be spent directly on the child.

Yes lets buy Tarquin another bloody Boden outfit because it's his money. Who cares if we are getting evicted on Monday!

whyme2 · 18/04/2009 19:16

Surely it is very difficult to draw the line in this case. I think the maintencance is to supprt the children but how is this different from paying the gas bill or buying a pair of shoes. It is a tricky situation but I think there should be a household pot and if you wanted you could perhaps put a little in a savings account for your own two. I can't comprehend spending money on one child and not another if you are living as a full time family.

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