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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP that the maintanance is for MY kids?

68 replies

MyImmortal · 18/04/2009 16:33

I have two children to previous relationship, DP has one to previous relationship.

ALl 3 children live with us.

I receive maintanance from my children's father.

DP refuses to claim maintanance from his ex wife. He says he can't be bothered and doesn't want anything to do with her. I think it's because he thinks if she paid, it would put her on higher ground if they ever went to court.

Thing is, whenever my ex brngs the maintanance, DP has started budgeting for his DD out of it. For instance he will say stuff like "oh, well all the kids need new coats, we'll get them from the mainatance on Friday ... "

But the maintanance is supposed to be for my 2 kids. It's not their fault he refuses to claim for his DD.

I don't begrudge her anything and if she needs something, I will gladly buy it out of my wages or the joint account but I'm sick of him dividing the maintanance into 3.

Am I being petty?

OP posts:
nooka · 18/04/2009 19:18

I think it depends on how you choose to demarcate your sources of money, and I suppose how much you have. If in general money is put in one pot and then used on whatever is required for everyone then it seems unfair that this little bit extra is only for your children, although I suppose in truth all that matters is that they are treated equally, and in practice if your children get things funded out of maintenance and your DSD gets the same thing (ie a coat), then that will come out of a general pot, and so there will be less of that for your children. In which case it is slightly irrelevant - more a point of principle.

As to whether it is wrong for your DP to chase the mother of his child, well that is his decision, and down to the relationship he has with her, and how vulnerable he feels. So long as you are not all on the breadline where that extra bit of cash would make a big difference I don't really see that it matters that much.

The slagging off thing is not good though - I think that is much more worth the battle.

Jaquelinehyde · 18/04/2009 19:20

So if the new DP was a multi millionaire and decided to treat his child to everything she could ever want, but tell the OP that she must wait for maintenance day to buy her children anything extra that would be fine the?

If you are a family then you are a family. If you're not you're not. Make your mind up.

PinkTulips · 18/04/2009 19:25

FAQ... that money is money from her xp to his children, if he were to find out it's being spent on another child as well and his kids lose out because of it he could cause trouble about it.

i've heard of cases where the mother wasn't spending the money on the kids but on herself and it was brought to court.... what's happening here is a variation of that.

this money is for her xdp's children's upkeep, yes that can extend to food or electricity but i don't think it's appropriate or right to spend it on clothing for another child.

herbietea · 18/04/2009 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnnieLobeseder · 18/04/2009 19:41

Jaquelinehyde - yes, thanks, I know what maintenance is for; my parents are divorced.

I would agree that if the money goes on utility bills or rent, then fair enough to put it in the pot. But the new DP is budgeting a new coat for his DD out of it, and according to the OP, "dividing the maintanance into 3". Which suggests it is directly spent on the children rather than on general household expenses. And if this is the case, his DD should not be benefiting from it. What if the XP is completely broke and scrimping and saving to pay this money for his children, only for it to be spent directly on someone else's child. Completely unfair.

AnnieLobeseder · 18/04/2009 19:42

I would suggest that you start putting the maintenance towards general household expenses like bills, to stop this kind of trouble.

mumof2andabit · 18/04/2009 19:46

It is possible to put the maintenence into a savings account for your dc?

I agree that all money should go in one pot but that is money from their father for things for them, not money for the op and her new family iyswim.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 18/04/2009 19:47

Maintenance can't really be ring fenced. A bit like child benefit, where it isn't supposed to be the only income in the family -- just a recognition that a contribution is helpful.

Perhaps that's how your DP looks at it - additional income into the family pot?

rookiemater · 18/04/2009 19:48

YANBU. Your ExP should not be subsidising other peoples children. That money is provided for your own DCs, agree totally with AnnieLobeseder.

jabberwocky · 18/04/2009 19:51

I agree with Annie. I'm in the US so it may be different in the UK but I believe the ex can ask for accountability in how the money is spent. Of course money that goes to rent, heating etc. is no problem but buying a coat for someone else's child could be.

noonki · 18/04/2009 19:53

YABU to be annoyed that the money is shared as I personally view all household income to be shared equally as need dictates between the DCs (including DSS).

It is creating a divide in the family that is not fair.

Jaquelinehyde · 18/04/2009 19:55

Not only do I have my own step family now but I too grew up in a step family. It was wonderful actually.

Anyway my Dad paid £40 a week for his children faithfully until we left education.

My Mum and (Step) Dad went on to have 3 other children, totaling 7 of us.

Mum never seperated the finances, if she had it would have caused seperations in the family especially when children where older and could see what was happening.

Dad never questioned where the money went, why should he. His children always looked well fed, clothed and provided for.

I will say it again you are either a family, or you're not.

Jaquelinehyde · 18/04/2009 19:57

Will anyone who agrees the money should be seperate care to comment on my post of 19:20.56.

FAQinglovely · 18/04/2009 19:58

god I'm glad I don't live in the US then - the thought of trying to work out which bits of money go on what each month would be a nightmare, weekly/4 weekly money, and set payments dates for certain stuff means the "actual" source of the money that is used varies from month to month.

For the time that DH did pay me a little maintenance I used to buy pizza for myself with it ]blush]- he'd give it to me when he picked the kids up for a weekend at his, and he knew full well I was buying pizza with it (it wasn't regular when he was paying so I never put it into my monthly budgetting).

He always used to ask me when he brought them back how my pizza had been - it worked out as my treat money (the DS's already having been provided for)

ElenorRigby · 18/04/2009 20:29

TheProfiteroleThief wrote "Logically I see your point, but it is still pretty unusual ime for the father to have custody, so I can see why he would not want to rock the boat."

I second this. Believe you me it would not be worth rocking the boat, leave well alone.

AnnieLobeseder · 18/04/2009 20:33

Just a point to those of you who are saying that maintenance being spent on the new DP's DD is no different to new DP spending money on the OPs children... well, actually, there's a world of difference. The children live with the new DP; they are a big part of his life, and in effect, his step-children. So of course his wages should be spent on them, in the same way that the OPs wages should be spent on his DD. They are a family and should share. The XP, however, is not part of this family, and yet us being asked to spend his hard-earned cash on a child he has nothing to do with and has possibly never even met!

Sorrento · 18/04/2009 20:39

I disagree, the maintenance is paid to the ex wife or husband not the child.
My ex pays me a reasonable amount of money for his daughter, however my husband puts the roof over her head, food in her tummy and clothes on her back, so the maintenance is family income and gets spent on all our children.
If you want a family not people just living in the same house everything needs to be pooled for richer for poorer.

chipmonkey · 18/04/2009 20:44

But surely maintenance and custody are two separate things? Would it really rock the boat in a custody/ access hearing if the ex was made to pay towards the upkeep of her dd. I do thin everything should go into one opt in a family but also that all parents involved should contribute to that pot.

FAQinglovely · 18/04/2009 20:50
nooka · 18/04/2009 21:24

Maintenance and custody should indeed be separate issues, but they are often linked, and it is not at all unusual to hear people complain that money is the reason why one parent wants the children to live with them. If the DP in this case has an informal arrangement with his ex, that the child lives with him and the mother is not involved (I assume there is little contact from the OP), then he could well be worried that if he started to demand money from her, she might change her mind about the child living with him and go to court for a different arrangement, which might well be granted. On the other hand he could just feel that he doesn't want to change the status quo, which would be quite reasonably annoying to the OP.

leonifay · 18/04/2009 21:30

hi i've only skimmed this and not read every post, so i'm sorry if i'm repeting.
my dh (who trained in this kind of legal matters) has just said that if the corts were to find out that maintenance for 2 dc were to be being split 3 ways they would reduce maintenance by 1/3. your exh is paying for his children not for someone elses so yanbu.

nooka · 18/04/2009 21:49

Surely that would only be an issue if the only money being spent on the children comes from the maintenance, which clearly it isn't in this case (my wages/joint account in the OP suggests two incomes coming in, presumably paying for rent/mortgage, bills, food, etc).

Sorrento · 18/04/2009 22:38

The CSA or a judge would not give a toss if she set fire to the money every month to light her fags with, her ex has o pay for his 2 children full stop.

leonifay · 18/04/2009 22:40

aparantly not. dh says that the money is given to ex wife/husband as a 'trust' for the child. he says that the money can be spent on rent/gas/elec etc but not on non child related things or on things for other children.

Jaquelinehyde · 18/04/2009 22:53

leonifay - spent many years working for the CSA [BLUSH] and it can be spent on whatever the PWC wants.

We had many, many, many men and women ringing us up shouting that she/he just buys fucking fags and booze with it. Goes on day trips with new partner etc.

Trust me, this would get nowhere in court.